Merry Vulva Christmas!

Check this out and more on SexualityReclaimed

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J gave me the BEST GIFT EVER!!!

He remembered that I have wanted one since I saw one in some kind of sexual education or training.

If you want your own, visit Etsy and search “WondrousVulvaPuppet” 

Competition Among Women

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J passed along this article on NYT a few days ago: A Cold War Fought By Women

It is an interesting article about competition among women, and a great example of self-policing among women to enforce purity and virginity standards.

I think it makes some great points, but when I reached these quotes from Dr. Vaillancourt, one of the study researchers, I felt a little anxious:

“The research also shows that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men…Sex is coveted by men… Accordingly, women limit access as a way of maintaining advantage in the negotiation of this resource. Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are, or seem to be, promiscuous.”

While the researchers and others quoted in the article assert that this self-policing seems to be an evolutionary characteristic and reflects attitudes within society, and not something that has been impacted or influenced by media images of the ideal women, I don’t totally buy it.

The system of patriarchy has been present among so many human cultures for so long, that it seems extraordinarily difficult to know for sure if it is patriarchy or evolution that has helped form this competition among women and preference among women for women who present as non-threatening and non-promiscuous.

Thoughts?

Hickeys

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Last night J gave me the most extraordinary hickey. I mean, it’s huge. And super dark. It’s lovely. I love getting hickeys, I like giving them. The process of receiving one is one of the most sexy, sensual, hot, chill-inducing experiences of my life. (And I’m referring to getting hickeys on my neck. My neck is definitely in my top 5 places of erogenous zones on my body).

Hickeys get a bad rap. The most common opposition I hear is: Well I don’t want people to see it!

And of course my mind goes to: Well… why?

Because we are so averse to showing our sexuality. Subtle forms that display we are sexual, through dress, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, are everywhere. But to show off the fact that we were in fact sexual last night or the day before allows the person looking at us to conjure images of us being sexual. What were you doing when you got that hickey? Who gave it to you? What did you look like, sound like? What else do you enjoy?

I remember encountering this during school a couple of years ago. My professor, an amazing trans lesbian, came to class with some serious bruises up and down her arms. While she did not offer an explicit explanation, the conversation that ensued made it clear that she had engaged in some consensual BDSM or other kink play. She seemed to be quite happy and satisfied with her bruises, and delighted in sort of winking at the class with what it meant.

I was so intrigued, and of course, my imagination went to all of those questions I posed above. I was distracted, but it was a bubbly, effusive distraction, inviting me to think about my professor in new ways, and about my own sexuality and desires. Would I ever want  bruises like that, delight in receiving them or giving them?

Hickeys (depending where they are) are a public display of past sexuality, of romance and desire, of heat and passion. They show others that we, too, enjoy and delight in kisses, sucking, licking, biting. That we moan and ache. I don’t think a low-cut shirt or a sultry eye gaze necessarily says quite the same thing, which I think results in the differing resistance people encounter in showing off a hickey versus cleavage or physique. I think our culture of slut-shaming similarly affects women’s resistance to displaying hickeys (we may be freaks in bed, but heaven forbid other people know about that). [Interesting note: during class tonight, I did not take off my scarf. Was I afraid of people's observations and reactions to my huge hickey? Did I not want to make other people uncomfortable with my display of sexuality? I really don't know.]

Long live the hickey. Long live desire and pleasure.

Checking Out

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When J was seeing his counselor for the first time, her only concern about his open relationship was that the relationship style could be used to “check out” from his relationship with me. She commented that people can check out of their relationships in many ways, and that monogamous people do it, too. People zone out in front of their TVs, computers, phones. People obsessively check Facebook (I’m guilty of this) or the news or put a random TV show on to avoid talking about something difficult. People use work to check out, or exercise. What’s the line between a healthy coping strategy and checking out (negative avoidance)?

My realization this week, facilitated by counseling:

I have used relationships to check out of my relationship with myself.

This goes along with the same story of putting others’ needs and desires before addressing my own, but also is more damaging in that this checking out process has operated at a more sub-conscious/unconscious level.

Focusing on the highs of relationships (sexual intimacy, fantasy, fast heart beat, flush, butterflies in my stomach, frequency of communication, content of communication, etc.) takes me away from the more painful things going on in my head. As my counselor said to me this week: the brain is fabulous at using coping strategies to keep it from feeling pain.

Truth be told, my body image issues have become a total mind suck the past couple of months, and the past few weeks in a terrible way. Focusing on my relationship and fantasies have been a distraction. Something this could be a healthy coping mechanism, but when the relationship with myself with my body and my heart and mind fall to the wayside, I do myself a deep disservice.

Here’s to getting back online with myself and to having the reminder to practice self-love and self-compassion.

Fat Stigma & Acceptance

Another really fascinating part of school last week was a presentation on fat studies, fat stigma, and fat acceptance.

Here are my notes from class (a lot of it is verbatim from the presentation slides; contact me if you want the reference):

-Fat studies: interdisciplinary; primary focus on identification/elimination of bias based on body weight, shape and size; deconstructs and critiques research related to weight and obesity; challenges cultural and political meanings ascribed to the fat body; challenges medical models that pathologize fat and prescribe weight-loss as a means of attaining health; weight/size bias combined with oppression based on other areas of difference such as gender, race, social class, and sexual identity
 
-Fat bias in the dominant culture:

• Research related to systemic fat/size discrimination is less common, but no less valid, than findings that continue to report ongoing oppression in race and gender
• Discrimination evident in hiring, wages, promotion, employment termination, delays in obtaining necessary healthcare, ability to obtain health care coverage, acceptance to college, parental financial support for college
• Similar pattern of discrimination (but more research needed) in public accommodations, jury selection, housing, adoption, representation of overweight participants in research
• Stereotypes of people perceived as overweight: lazy, less conscientious, less competent, sloppy, disagreeable, emotionally unstable, slower, poor attendance records, stupid, and worthless 
• These stereotypes are based simply on appearance or perception and are unrelated to actual health

-Dominant culture belief that being fat is a moral choice related to a lack of discipline: if fat people simply ate less and exercised more, they would lose weight and thus not have to experience the stigma and shame of being fat
 
-Losing/regaining weight can be more physically damaging to people than remaining at higher weights
 
-Counselors must challenge their own biases and assumptions about fat clients and presumptions of weight loss to promote genuine emotional and physical health, regardless of size
 
-Health at Every Size: a fast-growing approach that work to separate the issue of size and health
 
-Fatosphere: fat blogosphere

-My main question at the end of the presentation was: how do fat studies address the issues of food desserts, cheap unhealthy food, and the intersection of those with class and SES? What about the politics of safe public spaces, gentrification, etc?

This is a fabulous article I ran across the next day after my class; I love it:

Let's Talk About Thin Privilege

Fatness brings up a lot of emotions for me. My mom gave my sister and I a lot of training around the "right" body shape and size, even while also trying to help us love our bodies "no matter what." From my public health education, I have been acculturated to medicalize bodies: obesity=bad for health. I have my own body image stuff, which has been at times both exacerbated and soothed by comparing myself to movie stars, models in magazines, my friends, stripping, and being in an open relationship (and being more exposed to naked bodies). 

J and I have had a number of conversations, and sometimes with other people, that attempt to delineate the difference between discrimination against certain body types/shapes/sizes and preference/attraction/chemistry. There is clearly a difference to me and it feels quite different. However, I have seen the two conflated very unattractively in open spaces. For instance, I know that our swingers' clubs attract a wide variety of people, and I am glad that the spaces are relatively inclusive. But when I meet people who disparage fat people and their presence at our clubs and then cloak that sentiment in "well I don't want to go somewhere where I'm just not attracted to the people," my social (in)justice radar goes nuts. Just say it: you don't like fat people. Or, when J and I were socializing with a couple at a club, J asked the guy if he and his partner have a "type." He responded simply with "thin people." Why? I'm guessing because, for him, "thin people" connotes other positive qualities: good, healthy, smart, hardworking, etc. 

Want to test your own implicit attitudes toward fat people and thin people? Take the Implicit Association Test! You can take the test on myriad other categories of people, too. My own results: moderate preference for thin people. (I wonder when they'll add a category for alternative relationship structures?)

Peyronie's Disease, Cock Sheaths, Swinging, & Sex IQ

"I ran into your blog online the other day after finding a few postings on DA.com.  My searching for these types of articles will become apparent by the end of the e-mail.  I realize you are not Dan Savage or whatever but thought I'd go ahead and give it a go.  Hell maybe it will give you an idea for a column.  If not all I did was waste some of my time by sending a e-mail into the net ether.
 

After looking at the postings and some of your replies I've got a question about a certain... ahem product that you seem to speak highly of.

I think it is called oxoballs cock extender sheath.  So I took a look at the website these are from, but that didn't really answer my unique circumstance/question and I don't think my doctor is going to be privy to the information I require. Here goes with a bit of story included....

I'm a happily married guy and I do everything to please my wife (toys, rope, clamps, riding crop, etc. etc.).  The amount of towels we need to put down before sex would suggest that she is having a good time, but I would love to see if the oxoballs would give me some of the extra length I'm looking for.  However, I'm hesitant to drop cash on something that might not fit on a curved penis.

Any thoughts on if the oxoballs would bend easily around a curved penis or is it quite rigid?...

Without getting into graphic pictures, etc. wikipedia provides a good overview of the kind of curvature I have (peyronie's disease).  Long story short over time the penis bends, which results in quite crappy side effects and some shortening of the penis.... And also there is no cure currently except some rather drastic and scary surgery (for the love of God! do not google that... you don't want to know).

I have been exploring the long term option of seeing if I might enjoy watching my wife have sex with other men / opening our relationship so she can get what she needs from time to time that I will be unable to physically give her.  Sad thoughts for me, but it could be a reality and it seems rather selfish for her not to pursue things.  We have already talked about this and are very open with our communication.  Right now we are still in the information gathering / talking stage, but we might give it a whirl at some point with the right guy. 

We also thought about swinging with another couple, but I have doubts about how other wives would react to a curved penis.  It works fine, feels good to her, and she comes like crazy.  However, visually it seems like it might be a shock and / or draw comments (sort of my nightmare scenario).  Also... would one bring up this issue before play starts?" 

From J:

The Oxballs brand cock sheaths are quite flexible.  To give you some indication of how flexible they are, it is quite easy to bend them completely back on themselves with just the force of one hand. I am quite confident that they will easily fit comfortably on even a VERY curvy penis. We have both the "Dude" and the "Gym Boy" models and they are both made of TPR Silicone blend which is basically just flexible silicone. The "Gym Boy" is fun because it is longer but the "Dude" is slightly thicker. If you are quite curvy, I would probably recommend starting with the "Dude" as it will be less likely to exacerbate your curvature since it is a bit shorter. 

Also, I just wanted to add in some information about swinging and swinging couples. Since we started playing with other couples over two years ago we have seen tremendous variety in sexual organs. Everyone has pretty uniquely shaped, colored, sized, et cetera parts. If you engage in more of the "progressive swinging", which is to go on a few dates with couples and get to know them first before playing, you may feel comfortable enough to hop into bed with those people knowing that they are not the kind of people who are going to make disparaging remarks about your unique cock. OR, you may feel comfortable simply telling them that you are a bit self-conscious about your curvy cock; my guess is that they will respond by providing some reassurance. I will tell you that I have personally struggled a lot with performance anxiety when swinging with other couples and I have found it really helpful to just put it out there before anything happens. I know this isn't really what you asked about but...I just wanted to give you my two cents.

From K:

I thought it made most sense to have J respond to your questions about cock sheaths, since he's the one who has actually used them :) As the recipient, I can tell you that being able to play with size is fun! However, if your wife is already pretty sensitive to size, make sure to warm up her pussy really well before trying to ram your cock + sheath inside. Both sheaths that J recommended definitely add girth, as well as length. The first number of times we played with them, we had to warm up really well, take things slow, and use a whole lot of lube. A big barrier for me, though, was mental- I looked at how big the sheath was and thought "No way that is going in me!" I was wrong, haha. Now that we have played with those toys many, many times, the mental barrier is no longer there and it takes less warm-up to get J's cock+sheath all the way in.

I really wanted to commend you for how unselfish you seem in considering your wife and her sexual needs. I think it is really amazing to hear that you would be willing to open up your relationship so that she is able to continue having intercourse with other people. 

You mentioned the possibility of you watching her with other men- does this turn you on? What are the goals of watching? Do you want to feel included or do you want to participate somehow? I only ask these questions because it seems important for you to know, as best you can, how you will feel watching your wife with someone else. (Of course, experiencing it can be something totally different. Proactive thinking and talking is the best you can do, and it sounds like you are engaging in that!) 

I also wanted to reiterate what J mentioned about bringing up your cock shape and sensitivities about it before playing with other people, especially in the context of swinging. My hope for you is that talking about it beforehand will alleviate your anxiety, because you will know before playing with someone whether or not they will be respectful, kind, and whether or not they are sexually/erotically intelligent. (Also, if you are able to have intercourse, enjoy other kinds of sex, and your wife has a good time, I am sure other women would be receptive to having sex with you.) In a traditional swinger space, I would bring it up once you have plans to play with another couple (I would say something like: "Yeah, this sounds really fun and hot! Let's do it! I do want to let you know that my cock curves quite a bit. I can totally have intercourse and my wife always has a good time, but I just wanted to let you know." This gives the other people a chance to respond before everyone is naked, and you a chance to relax. Getting turned on while anxious is almost impossible.) In a progressive swinger space, I think you would have ample opportunity and a lot of room to bring it up, whether it is during an email conversation or over your first date or two before things get hot. And, if anyone is rude or mean, you probably don't want to play with them anyway.

Lastly, it seems important to mention sexual/erotic intelligence. It sounds like you are quite able to have intercourse still, but are considering the possibility in the future that you may not be able to anymore. I know that depression and withdrawal from one's partner are common effects from Peyronie's disease; I'm sure it can feel very depressing to not be able to engage in a part of sex that feels central to many people. However, penile-vaginal sex doesn't have to be (and isn't in my book) the be-all-end-all of sexual experience. Oral sex, anal play, playing with hands, playing with toys, incorporating dirty talk and porn and any other kinks all count as "sex" in my book. (And it sounds like you two incorporate many accoutrements in your sex, so, yay!) Think about how you define "intimacy," too, and how you define physical intimacy. It doesn't need to only include penile-vaginal sex. Broadening your definition may help you fear the loss of penile-vaginal sex less, or at least help you remember that there is still a lot that you can engage in that is intimate and meaningful and fun. I don't want to discount your experience or minimize what you have gone through at all; but because sexual intelligence has been a really important part of what J and I have incorporated into our sex life, I wanted to be sure to talk about it here.

Good luck!!

Lookism: Update

I am not especially happy with that first post I wrote a couple days ago on lookism. It was disjointed and I don't think my ideas came across very clearly. I realized I was thinking and writing about some very different things:

1. Lookism is analogous to racism or sexism. It is discrimination against those who do not fit the social and cultural definition of attractive. It feels crappy for me to own that I have benefited from a system of physical objectification and hierarchy.

2. Working in the strip industry is a study on lookism. While I benefit to an extent within dance culture because of my looks, I am also highly aware of when I don't (my small tits definitely work against me overall, although I have met a handful of customers who prefer small to big tits).

3. Dating, for me, makes me feel anxious when I start questioning why I don't feel chemistry. I can't help who I am attracted to, but I feel badly that I might not be attracted to someone purely because of looks, no matter how awesome I find our mental connection. Can I help it? Should I try? Am I bringing a larger social issue down to too small of a level, and into a realm that is so personal and based on indescribable feelings? I realize that discriminating against someone because they are "unattractive" is way different than simply not feeling chemistry with someone or wanting to date them.

Well, maybe I just said the same exact things I already did, but this at least feels a little more organized and coherent.

Lookism

(Alert: this post is pretty ramble-y. I apologize.)

The first time I remember hearing the word "lookism," I was in my advocacy training for the crisis line back in October. During our systems of oppression training, we brainstormed different systems (that's what the suffix "ism" can mean- system): racism, feminism, classism, ableism, ageism, sexism, lookism (I would also throw in monogamism), etc. It's taken me this long to talk about lookism, because I know I have benefited from it. (When talking to J about writing this post, I told him that I have taken so long to blog about it because admitting that you benefit from a system of oppression is gross. He said that he would have a hard time because it seems like backdoor bragging. So I just want to make it clear: I don't think I am amazingly good-looking. But I do think that I am attractive enough to have benefited from lookism.)

I have reflected on lookism quite a bit with how it relates to my dating experiences, and how it relates to my experiences stripping. These reflections aren't very coherent, but oh well.

I can't help who I am attracted to, right? There are things outside of my control- cultural messages about attractiveness that have shaped my views since childbirth, pheromones, and perhaps even some universal ideas about skin, symmetry, youth, and fitness. I can help who I am respectful to. But doesn't attraction on some level impact how I interact with someone? I think this is a hard one to wrestle with. When I go on a date with someone who is pretty attractive, versus when I meet someone who I find really attractive, what are those relationship trajectories like? Which relationship do I put more energy into? Do I pay equal attention to common interests?

And, while it is quite true that there are 70+ strip clubs here, and that many girls can experience stripping because of the number of clubs, there is still a hierarchy. I work with short women, tall women, really fit and muscular women, women with tummies and flabby butts, women with and without tattoos and piercings, women with large and medium and small tits with various firmness, women with pretty faces and women with average faces, women with full bushes and women with silky smooth pussies. But if you walk into one of the better-known clubs (read: clubs with "more attractive" girls) on a Friday night (because there is definitely an attractiveness hierarchy among clubs), I can almost guarantee you that you will not see the same diversity. Yes, there will still be a basic diversity in body shape and size, but the most (currently) prominent mainstream attractiveness standard will prevail: thin.

Fat stigma is a thing. Fatness is largely associated in our culture with ugliness and unattractiveness, not to mention with other characteristics like laziness.

But I think what I have been thinking about more so than basic thinness or fatness (or attractiveness of certain body parts like tits or legs or asses or backs) is the attractiveness of a face. How some of that is related to genetics- symmetry, bone structure, eye shape, mouth shape, etc. But some of it is also related to socioeconomic status- did you have braces if you needed them? Are you privileged enough to have regular dental care? Are you able to get haircuts that flatter your face shape? Did someone teach you how to use makeup, and can you afford it if you want it? Do you have vision care, and are you able to get the glasses or contacts that make you feel confident?

The thing I am most complimented on at work is my smile. And every time I think to myself: "Yep, braces for five years plus wearing a retainer consistently since I was 13. My parents were able to afford my orthodontia care and supported me in taking care of my teeth." Not to mention the fact that I smile a lot, because people have been giving me positive feedback about my smile since I was 13. This is an interesting overlap between mental health and physical attractiveness (don't people who look happy generally look more attractive? For me, people were telling me I had a nice smile, which made me feel good and positive, and I smiled more because I felt happy, and the cycle continued.)

I think there are a lot of (physically) attractive people, but I also think that to a large extent, socioeconomic status can determine whether not people are able to embody an attractiveness that awards them societal benefits. (Access to Rgular check-ups, healthy and nutritious food, adequate space and time for physical activity, dental care, vision care, mental health care, etc. are all impacted by SES.)

Should society award people benefits based purely on whether or not they are attractive? No; I think there are plenty of other reasons that people should deserve attention, jobs, friends, promotions, etc (like, I don't know, good ideas and hard work and compassion and innovation). But will people be able to separate out attractiveness and attraction when interacting with others, to the extent that they can be more objective in their relationships? I honestly don't know.

I am tacking this "ism" onto my list of privileged groups: white, upper middle class, graduate degree, attractive. That's really a tough thing for me to write.

Recommend: "Busting Out"

J came across this documentary on Netflix a couple days ago. I have seen about half of it now, and I am impressed! I think it is really great to open the discourse to talk about all of these different aspects that impact breasts: body image and media representation of the ideal breast; how cultures differ with respect to attaching sensuality and sexiness to the breast (the US is one of only 13 countries that see the breast as a sexual body part); the role of the breast in breastfeeding and caring for children; and disease and health of the breast, including cancer. I recommend it!

Here's the trailer:

Lubrication & Breast Size

I have noticed that I am not as wet as I used to be. J heard on one of his podcasts that this can happen as a result of taking oral birth control; supposedly, it can throw your natural testosterone levels out of whack. I took oral BC for two years before getting my IUD, and I wouldn't be surprised if the systemic hormones, and even if the local ones in my IUD, have affected my natural lubrication.

It was surprising for me to feel somewhat inadequate once I consciously realized that I wasn't very wet during sex. I have noticed more dryness with new partners, due to be less comfortable, but when I realized that I almost always use lube with J, I felt self-conscious. I am extremely turned on when I have sex with J, and so I don't want him to perceive it to be an indication that I'm not into our sex. I also feel like there is a lot of cultural messaging that wetness is extremely sexy. And from personal experience, it seems like many people consider wetness to be sexy and a clear indication that the person is turned on, and being turned on is sexy. And I think all of that is fine, if the person is truly turned on, and if we remember that our bodies change. I think it is part of sexual intelligence: wetness/dryness does not automatically equal being aroused or not; lube is a perfectly amazing tool for going about the sex that you want; and our bodies change (especially as we age) and so our cues of what being aroused meant as teenagers does not translate into our cues as we age.

On another note of (sexual) body image, I have blogged before about breast size and size envy... I think I have finally am able to admit that my tits are a full A cup (maybe a small B). I am pretty sure I have been wearing the wrong size bra most of my life (or Victoria's Secret bras have recently become bigger. Which may be possible, because I swear a B bra from there fit me really nicely in high school. Now I swim in them. Or now I just notice the extra room). Tit size is hard for me (much, much harder for me than natural lubrication), but I am committed to living a life journey where I honor my natural shape and size. It is who I am. And also- who doesn't love tits? Sure, people can have preferences. But really, all tits are pretty amazing. And that includes mine.

Women's Self Pleasure Circle

Last night I participated in a women's pleasure circle (maybe a different name for a circle jerk? haha). It was inspired in part by Betty Dodson's pleasure workshops and the BodySex film. But instead of a workshop with a "genital show-and-tell" and other workshop-y type things, last night involved movement and warming up mentally and physically, and a pleasure circle. The lovely Barbara Wynn facilitated and hosted five of us.

We started of by introducing ourselves, including how we were feeling and what we were hoping to get out of our experience. Yesterday I was feeling especially stressed out, from trying to decide what to do with moving and school, and also feeling disconnected from J. I have also been dealing with some, at times paralyzing, negative body image self-talk, and have been feeling pretty disconnected from myself in a positive way. I was hoping to use the experience to reconnect with myself and forget about those stressors for a bit. I was definitely pushing my comfort zone; even though I have been in plenty of exhibitionist and group sex spaces, I really wasn't sure that I would be able to relax into a self-pleasure space in the presence of other people. I was reminded of one of the discussion questions from the BodySex screening- have you ever found yourself "performing" during sex? I really wanted to use my experience in the pleasure circle to have an authentic solo sex session, and I was nervous that my anticipated discomfort would mean I would be "performing" and not having genuine fun with myself.

We started off with a movement exercise, in which we simply moved around the space however it felt comfortable to us. I walked and stretched out my body (it was really tight and tense from working yesterday). We also paired up three different times and answered questions with our partner: what is something you love about your sexual being, describe a self love experience that was transformative in some way, and what do you do to get turned on? As we moved around, we were encouraged to peel off layers of clothes, and practiced soft looks instead of hard looks (basically, noticing and looking with curiosity and awe instead of judgement or criticism). 

After getting warmed up, we regrouped. Many of us were down to bras and pants or bras and underwear. Barbara talked to us about her experience with communal masturbation and gave us an overview for how the pleasure circle would be facilitated after we took a break. She discussed the idea of the pleasure circle space as containing three concentric circles. If you decided to sit as far back as possible, you were in the outer ring and in the role of the witness. You could watch and observe what was going on. In the second ring, you were in an active, turning-yourself-on and acting-on-it space. In the third, middle ring, you would be in a "look at me!" space, celebrating yourself and wanting to be looked at and appreciated. She told us we could be in any of those places at any point throughout the time of the pleasure circle. It was nice to take a break after all of that to sort of mentally process everything and take time to pay attention to my hunger and thirst, and not worry about anything else going on.

Then, the pleasure circle got started. Barbara led us though some guided movement, asking us to experiment with different kinds of self-touch: light fingertips and caresses, scratches, grabbing, squeezing and pinching, pulling, slapping. She asked us to really notice what we liked and what turned us on. She asked us to feel our vulvas, to breathe deeply, and to pay attention. And then, she released us into the play session.

I had brought my glass dildo and my Hitachi and a bottle of lube, a blanket and pillow, and a towel. I noticed that it took a little longer than normal for me to get turned on and warmed up because I was a little uncomfortable at first in the space, and I think also because it was 83 degrees (which was amazing for my naked body), but I am also used to different temperature sensations on my skin (our apartment is usually between 60 and 65 degrees and I have grown to like the cold air on my skin). But, I eventually got into it. I was so surprised with how many orgasms I had. I lost count, because I decided to turn on off my cognitive processing for a bit, but I think it was around 10 or 12. It was amazing to me the high I could reach from allowing myself the time and space to get turned on, reach orgasm, rest for a minute, and do it over and over and over. I loved it. Being in a space with other turned-on, moaning, groaning, laughing women for an hour was a pretty awesome experience. It felt really freeing to just be responsible for myself, and to witness other women simply being responsible for themselves. We weren't doing anything "for" each other, we weren't having partnered sex. We were just in the presence of one another in self-pleasure. For the last five minutes or so, I simply laid on my back, closed me eyes, and drifted.

After we played for about an hour, we ended with a savasana and debriefed. I loved how meditative and peaceful, and happy, I felt.

Another participant said that the experience felt like it was something so old that her cells remembered it, but older than her brain could remember. I liked that sentiment a lot; it resonated with me. Also, I really loved what the space did for my body image. Seeing older women's bodies, bigger women's bodies, and smaller women's bodies made me less fearful about my body changing and made me feel stronger in myself. And, I found myself so comfortable in that space by the end of it. It really is quite amazing to me what getting naked with people and being sexual in the same space will do for comfort. It makes a lot of sense to me that some of my closest friends are those that I have been sexual with, in some way. There just doesn't seem to be anything quite as primal and authentic as sexual pleasuring.

If I Could Go to Catalyst Con...

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Exciting Developments

This past week has been pretty exciting for me. :D

I found out I got into one of the MFT programs I applied to, and I had a really fantastic interview with another one. The interviewers were super engaged, and got excited with me about why I was excited to go through the program. It was a really great experience. I have another interview this week, and then I should find out where I get in by mid to late March. And then J and I will start weighing all of our different variables as to what the hell we are doing come May. 

And, the editor-in-chief of DatingAdvice.com reached out to me, asking if I would guest blog on their site. After some back-and-forth to make sure that she understood my content was completely different than what they currently have on there (right now, they are kind of Ask Men + Cosmo... blah), I decided to go for it! I am super excited about reaching a wider, more mainstream audience and to get into writing more advice-oriented posts. My first post should be published by the end of the week under the For Women section. I would love it if they added an Open Dating section (as one of our friends said- Yeah, maybe they'll get relevant) because I felt more constrained in writing my post "for women." That being said, the editor-in-chief seems really sincere and genuine in wanting to add diversity to their dating advice, and really wanted some open relationship-oriented posts. So, I think they are trying to be more relevant to more people, but like anything more mainstream, it happens slowly.

These developments have been really awesome for a few reasons. It has been really validating to feel like what I want to do (sex positive sex educator, relationship coach/counselor) is something I am capable of. Knowing that there are programs that are supportive and welcoming of my experiences and goals is awesome. And being reached out to provide some perspective on these issues for a more mainstream audience is also really awesome. These things came at a particularly good time for me, because of the relentless negative body image issues I have been going through; it has been insanely positive to have some positive, affirming, empowering messages sent back to me about my mind and heart, that have zero to do with my body. They have been a welcome distraction from the body image/negative self talk I have been tackling the past couple of weeks. Yay! :)

Self Care Time

Inspired by Barbara Wynne's blog dedicated to documenting her 60 days of self pleasure, and inspired by my own knowledge that I have to be able to provide to myself things that I need, I decided to actually schedule time in my calendar for self care.

I bought some yummy bubble bath at the store (two different kinds- why not?), and when I got home I ran a steaming hot bath and lit a candle. I did some chores while the tub filled (because a picked up living environment is part of how I feel sane and calm), and then put on a face mask. When the tub was filled, I closed the door and turned off the bathroom light. It was super lovely to just have the candle light. I dipped in and let my whole body sink into the hot water. The smell was heavenly, and I remembered how much I love bubbles in my bath. Since dancing, the hot water I have enjoyed has either been an epsom salt bath (which is amazing for sore muscles) or the hot tub at our gym (which I love because of the jets, but the chlorine kills me). This was perfect, though, because what I was really going for was aromatherapy and silky water. I got it.

And almost immediately after getting settled in, I felt turned on. I wanted to really be with myself. I have been feeling pretty down about myself lately, body image wise. I focused on simply meditating: appreciating each part of my body, and trying to send loving energy to each part of my body. I caressed my whole body slowly and gently, thinking nice thoughts to myself. Eventually, I began to play with my pussy and ass and tits and had an enveloping orgasm. I squeezed my tits hard, fingered my ass, vigorously rubbed my clit, and even murmured dirty things to myself. I felt deeply relaxed and at peace afterward and felt my afterglow until I had drained the tub and rinsed off in the shower with cool water.

Remember to care for yourself and to truly appreciate yourself. Take time to remember why you love you. Honor yourself.

Wonderful Women

I had the great fortune of participating in a film discussion and screening of Bodysex. It was a really empowering to see women in the film engaging in a body positive and sex positive space, and supporting each other in loving their bodies. The clips we watched of the women admiring one another's vulvas took my by surprise: women oohed and awed over each other's, complimenting the different shapes and sizes. I loved it. And, the masturbation/self pleasure circle was pretty hot, and awesome. It was quite something to watch seven women pleasure themselves. Also, I found it wonderful and beautiful to see such different body shapes and sizes (naked). Old, young, small, large, and in between. It was a really empowering film for me to see parts of, especially in how it relates to my own body image and sexuality. I am excited about the potential of participating in a similar women's self-pleasure group (see Barbara Wynne's website to get in touch with her if you are similarly interested).

Then, a couple days later, I was so grateful to be part of the first session of an open women's group. These women are all so special and important to me, and each relationship is unique. I wouldn't give up any of these friendships for anything. Again, I found myself in such an empowering space, listening to these wonderful women talk about their experiences, their challenges and triumphs. We talked about our various relationships structures, our sexual orientations and identities, how we prefer to communicate with our partners, what some of our boundaries are, whether we have come out to our families, and what it's like to be open and to also be raising kids. We talked about jealousy (obviously) and cheating/boundary violations. One of the most lovely things to me about the space was not the similarities among us (although there were some that took me by surprise- who knew how many of us lived with family?), but the diversity of opinion and experience. From how we define "open relationship," "nonmonogamy," "polyamory" to how we conceive of sex (is it "play," about physical connection, about emotional connection?) to what we want out of our open relationships, we all had different ideas and attitudes. Again, I was amazed at the intricacies inherent in this community and felt at home feeling safe and supported despite feeling different. We supported each other, gave each other hugs, let each other cry, and made each other laugh. I feel so blessed to have so many lovely friends, and to have been part of space where we could all come together.

Size Envy

Most of the time I don't even think about this, and it's not something that triggers me every time we meet new people or go to our club... but sometimes it does come up for me.

I remember at 13, thinking This is it? This is all I get up here?

I like my tits a lot, but sometimes I wish they were bigger. So much is made of boob size in our media, and while I believe the vast majority of people probably just like tits, because, well, they're tits, I get hung up on the fact that someone might not like mine because they're small. (I used to have more of a body image issue with my tits, but Rational Emotive Therapy, which I wrote a post on a while back, really did help me rework some of my internal messages about my body and tits. It was extremely helpful.)

This is not just a female-bodied issues either. Messages about cock size are another force to be reckoned with. The research about partner and self preference about cock size is fascinating to me. Because the majority of nerve endings are in the lower third of the vagina, studies have shown that most female partners report pleasure with most cocks. "Most" people, not "average." Almost all. They come in all shapes and sizes, and yet they pretty much all feel good. I recognize this is easier for me to say since I don't have a cock, and I don't have to deal with all of the external messages and internalized tapes telling me that my cock looks wrong for whatever reason.

Instead I have to deal with those messages about tits. Can I apply my same logic? All tits are fun to play with and are sexy. I have never had a partner tell me mine aren't because of their size. And yet I see movies and TV shows and advertisements where characters are liked based on their boob size or are valued for boob size or express that having bigger boobs equals a more satisfied partner, a better sex life, or being liked more by others. "Bigger is better" is still the prevalent message, even if the people in my life contradict these messages.

Another thing that gets me in a weird way is that I get turned on playing with someone who has tits larger than mine, and I get turned on when I see J having sex with someone with larger tits. But I simultaneously get super frustrated because I want to feel what it feels like to have larger tits. It's this weird frustrated turn-on. *sigh* Just another way for me to grow and accept myself, my turn-ons, and embrace the ways in which we are all different.

Shame(less)

I went in for another audition today... and then heard back from a club I previously auditioned at that I can work there! I am so thrilled!! I can't wait to really try this and see if I like it.

Even more thrilling was my realization that I am literally not. ashamed. of. my. body.

Which, after my five month counseling interlude last year for body image crap, is a huge sigh of relief. I love my body, and I really don't care who sees it, clothed or naked. In fact, I love sharing my body with other people. I love being in touch with my body. And I think that shows.

Even more surprisingly to me... I did my audition today with my cousin and her BF in tow. I totally did it. With family there. And you know what? It didn't matter! I just felt like, this is my body, and this is me dancing. It was great! I don't think I would ever dance like that in front of my parents, but my best cousin who I share so much with... that was way different.

Thank you A & J for your support and love!! And for the delicious lunch and talk. Love!

Sexual Intelligence

I loved, loved, loved Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein. His paradigm of sex is one that J and I had reached on our own, and he articulated the concept so clearly and applicably: sex is so much more than "penis in vagina" or an orgasm, sex requires flexibility and adaptability and an open attitude, and sex is a new experience every time, regardless if it is with a new or familiar partner.

His main points are: don't start sex before you feel close or ready, understand the process of initiating sex, take and make time for sex, focus on the process of sex and not just on the "end result" or orgasm, and talk about sex (what you want, what your partner wants, fantasies, techniques, etc.)- before, during, and after sex. He essentially argues for communication about sex, because many people simply "expect" sex to be good, all the time, without much forethought, planning, or communication. In addition, our conception of what sex is may have to drastically change over the course of our life; sex at 60 will probably not be what sex was like at 20.

He discusses how body image and self confidence issues can detract from one's own pursuit of sexual pleasure, and also can detract from your partner's enjoyment of oneself. One thing that he mentions that stuck with me is the idea that deflections from compliments that my partner gives me actually increases the distance between my partner and I. If the point of sex is to increase closeness and a sense of enjoyment, fulfillment, or intimacy, than deflections from my partner's praises has the opposite effect. 

Another part that I loved about his book (and which I have already mentioned) is his focus on sex as a process and not as a means to reaching orgasm. This concept is especially useful for older adults, who may have a more difficult time getting hard, getting wet, or experiencing orgasm. However, it also resonated with me because J and I have met a small number of people who take a very narrow view of what a sexual experience should be like in order to be satisfying: if someone doesn't have an orgasm, the experience was a failure. This in turn can put a lot of pressure on the partners for the next sexual encounter, and may even make it more difficult next time to achieve orgasm. If we focus instead on enjoying our partner's body, pleasing our partner, and communicating about what we want and how, the whole process is enjoyable, regardless if whether orgasm occurs. He mentions how orgasm is generally about 2% of the entire time spent on sex- why would we place so much emphasis on such a tiny portion of sex and disrupt the other 98% of the process with anxiety and fears about not "performing" adequately in the other 2%?

This book is a quick and enjoyable read- I recommend it to anyone looking to expand their views on sex and increase their own sexual intelligence!

Rational Emotive Therapy

I have been seeing a counselor for about six months, and started seeing her for body image issues. I have a tendency to ruminate, and thoughts become easily ingrained in my head. Thoughts will go round and round, in an automatic and cyclical fashion, and I often have a hard time breaking the pattern.

My work on body image thoughts has come a long way since then, and I credit rational emotive therapy. RET is the process of analyzing thought patterns to identify irrational thoughts, and to consciously and actively address the root irrational thoughts to create healthier and more rational thought patterns.

Unsurprisingly, I have found that this same RET process is helpful for me when I have jealousy issues come up. Often for me, jealousy and insecurity issues are related to irrational beliefs like "I'm not good enough," or "I'm just ugly" or "he likes her more than me." Even when I know a belief is not irrational, per say, it can help to address them in a more rational manner. Beliefs like "He will leave me for her" are not irrational: many people in both monogamous and open relationships leave their partner for someone they like more. J and I believe, though, that we are taking a lesser risk with our open relationship, because we are both more satisfied with our relationship than before, making it less likely that either of us will leave. Even though a belief like "He will leave me for her" is not irrational, because it could happen, RET helps me to address is calmly and reflectively, and to look at how feeling that way affects how I think and act and also how it then affects my relationship with J. I can then choose a different feeling, and a different way of thinking and acting.

In any case, the following series of questions have been extremely helpful for me in getting past certain situations that trigger jealous and insecure thought patterns. They are helpful in many other contexts, and I suggest the exercise to anyone who gets stuck in a rut with unhelpful thoughts!

Write down the following:
A. Triggering Event
B. -Rational Thought
-Irrational Thought(s)
C. Consequences of the irrational thought(s) (how does it make me feel, think, act, etc.)
D.-Choose the irrational thought
-Is there any truth to this idea? (my answer is pretty much always "no" to this question; otherwise I am not confronting the root irrational thought)
-What evidence exists for the falseness of this idea? (what rational thoughts and other things do I know to be true that contradict this irrational thought)
-What evidence exists for the truth of this idea? (the evidence for truth often lies in what I have convinced myself of, or from what I have chosen to believe taught to me by society, media, etc.)
-What is the worst thing that could happen? (i.e., if I continue to believe this irrational thought)
-What are some good things that might happen? (i.e., if I choose to not believe this irrational thought)
E. -Alternative thoughts
-Alternative emotions


I keep a journal of these exercises, and it is so interesting to me how my thought patterns are stubborn and static; they hold on fast and change very little from time to time that I write. However, it was amazing to me how quickly, relatively speaking, my negative body image self-talk reduced after doing these exercises every day. It makes me hopeful for reducing any jealous or insecure self-talk that I run into. I am able to rationalize my feelings, and consciously weigh the costs and benefits of feeding or cutting off those feelings.