Underdogs & Misfits

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed! I will be discontinuing this blog on January 1, 2014, so you will have to check out SexualityReclaimed to stay updated. Bookmark, follow, or do whatever else! :)

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I recently finished Malcolm Gladwell’s newest book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants. And, saw “Dallas Buyers Club” (if someone fits the bill as an underdog or misfit, it’s Ron Woodruff, imo). I love, love, loved that movie.

I felt so comforted reading and watching these stories, likely because I have been feeling like an underdog/misfit myself. I have felt like an outsider many times in my life (a huge motivation for going to Berkeley for college), but never so much as right now. I also really appreciated Gladwell’s reframing of what it means to be the little person (in his traditional style). It’s not about being weaker or smaller or having less resources and then miraculously overcoming a situation: there are advantages to things we normally see as disadvantages, disadvantages to things we normally see as advantages, some level of difficulty that actually leaves us stronger in the end, and limits to the big person’s power (power has its limits). There are so many ways in which the underdog actually has the advantages in a tricky situation, and may actually yield more power than the “powerful” person.

One of the parts I liked the most from Gladwell’s book is about the Big Five theory of personality, and how innovators tend to be not only open to new ideas and conscientious and persistent, but also tend to be pretty darn disagreeable. (You can take a free test here; it measures openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. I’m relatively to pretty high on all of them according to this test). Being disagreeable, according to Gladwell, isn’t just about being rude or selfish- it’s about bucking social norms and expectations in favor of pursuing ideas and values outside the box or norm. In this way, I would think of myself as pretty disagreeable. Not that it’s always comfortable for me to be disagreeable in this sense, but I think I have become more that way. (In the way that agreeableness is traditionally discussed-unselfish, helpful, etc-, I am pretty agreeable.)

“The reasonable man [woman! person!] adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Virginity & Hookups

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!

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J had passed along these two articles a couple weeks ago, and because of my deluge of school reading, I just read them this week:

Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?

and

In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns

So many points I want to make. But the main takeaways from both for me were:

-Debra Herbenick rocks. Definitely check out her blog, My Sex Professor. Her point in the second piece about why we are so focused on women’s orgasms, if women aren’t as focused on orgasms themselves, is spot on to me. If orgasm is important to someone, and they aren’t satisfied with their current sexual relationships and encounters because they aren’t having orgasms, then it could be rich to explore that. Otherwise, what’s the fuss?

-This also points to a larger lack of sexual intelligence in our culture. Orgasm does not equal sexual perfection. Yes, orgasms are pleasurable and connecting and relaxing and cathartic. But not having an orgasm does not necessarily mean that the sex was unsatisfying, unwanted, or otherwise negative.

-The first piece left me a bit speechless (a rarity, really). I felt sad and shocked reading it. Not because virginity is sad to me, but because a lack of sexual intelligence is sad to me- it points to a lack of sexual education and self awareness, pieces that everyone deserves to cultivate and benefit from. The author seems clear on defining virginity as no PIV sex, and it seems like she has engaged in other kinds of sexual acts with partners. Why is the penetrative PIV act the epitome of virginity? Who does that serve? In this instance, it seems that the concept has done a pretty big disservice to the author, creating discomfort and insecurity, and perpetuating an idea of “the soul mate” for whom she can finally give up her (PIV) V-card.

-I had a (woman) customer at work this past weekend, who was so fabulous at differentiating at different types of virginity.

“Yeah, this guy I’m dating is a threesome virgin. Crazy, right?!”

“What about a private dance? I’m a lap dance virgin!”

I appreciated my conversation with her so much, and even more so after I read the above articles.

It adds richness to our lives to broaden our definitions of what sex is, of what being sexual means. Have different definitions for “virgin.” Know why you hold onto certain definitions, dig into them. Try being sexual without reaching orgasm to experience a different range of your sexuality. Let me know your thoughts on the above articles; there’s a lot there to chew on.

Competition Among Women

Read this on SexualityReclaimed!

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J passed along this article on NYT a few days ago: A Cold War Fought By Women

It is an interesting article about competition among women, and a great example of self-policing among women to enforce purity and virginity standards.

I think it makes some great points, but when I reached these quotes from Dr. Vaillancourt, one of the study researchers, I felt a little anxious:

“The research also shows that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men…Sex is coveted by men… Accordingly, women limit access as a way of maintaining advantage in the negotiation of this resource. Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are, or seem to be, promiscuous.”

While the researchers and others quoted in the article assert that this self-policing seems to be an evolutionary characteristic and reflects attitudes within society, and not something that has been impacted or influenced by media images of the ideal women, I don’t totally buy it.

The system of patriarchy has been present among so many human cultures for so long, that it seems extraordinarily difficult to know for sure if it is patriarchy or evolution that has helped form this competition among women and preference among women for women who present as non-threatening and non-promiscuous.

Thoughts?

Live on HuffPo!

The article I posted about yesterday (What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?) is now live on Louisa Leontiades’ Huffington Post blog :D

Go check it out!

What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

Please go check this post out on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

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I am so excited to announce that I have made another amazing connection- with Louisa Leontiades, of The Husband Swap. (See my post about her book here.) She also hosts several amazing websites: MultipleMatch, The Vagina Times, Postmodern Women, among others. She also writes a blog for the Huffington Post.

I recently co-authored an article with her about Portland as a poly-mecca, which is now live on MultipleMatch and will be published soon on HuffPo (I’ll be announcing that when it happens- I am so excited!)

Definitely go check her stuff out; I am thrilled to be in connection with her!

Here is the beginning of the article about Portland; please go read the rest!

“What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time

This also allows for an amazing number of strip clubs to exist. In fact Portland stands as the city with the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country – most of which are fully nude clubs. Establishments are allowed to have both nudity and alcohol which attracts visitors from neighboring states to enjoy both booze and bums. This also means that Portland has the legal and social infrastructure to support two swingers’ clubs, both of which offer the ability to imbibe and have sex onsite.”

Who Is Marriage For?

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!


This post has been all over the place. I am grateful for this response that was published, although it doesn’t capture my feelings and thoughts.

Who is marriage for? Is it for you? For you partner? For your future family? What if you don’t want to raise children?

“Getting married” is, to me, a distinct issue from being in a long-term, committed relationship. When we talk about the actual act of “getting married” we are talking about a legal and financial agreement. However, I am aware that in the popular lexicon, “getting married” means making the final, absolute decision to remain with one partner f-o-r-e-v-e-r. No wonder Seth and pcrowling were freaked out before they had their respective weddings: committing (monogamously) to one person for the rest of your life is a freaky decision.

Being in a relationship, of any flavor, should be a balance between your needs and desires and personality and those of your partner. That being said, people are entitled to make certain sacrifices if that is how they feel they should ethically operate within a relationship (Seth, for example, found solace in thinking about getting married for his wife and future family). My big caveat is: as long as those who are sacrificing are intentional about their decisions and don’t blame their partners for the sacrifices they have made. (Don’t be a martyr!)

It just so happens that my latest DatingAdvice post went live today: Can You Have Marriage & Kids in an Open Relationship? Here is a snippet; be sure to go read it!:

“How does marriage fit with an open relationship? What about having kids? Do I want those things?
Legal marriage is, to me, just that: a legal document dictating a financial agreement with a partner.
Therefore, getting legally married is a financial arrangement and agreement and can overlap with any relationship structure, given it is between two people (and in many states still, two straight people).
Legal marriage is not allowed between more than two people in any states.

This part is less important in my relationship.

While we both see the practical benefits of getting legally married (and so we probably will soon), it is less important than being clear on our other relationship agreements and maintaining transparency, trust, communication and commitment to one another.
We know many people who are married and have open relationships, and their reasons for getting married ranged from the practical, financial and legal benefits, to the practicalities of raising children together, to the symbol of being in a long-term and loving relationship.”

New Site! SexualityReclaimed

Okay, folks, I am transitioning to a new website: sexualityreclaimed.com

I have received a lot of encouragement in the past year or so and a lot of support recently to finally have a more autonomous site, and I am taking the plunge.

I have also been wanting to redo my site for a number of reasons:

This blog started out as a means to detail our transition from a monogamous relationship to an open one, and while it has remained a place for that, I also write about many other things: experiences with my family, my journey in stripper-land, book reviews, other media that I think is thought-provoking, and my educational experiences that I am undertaking.

To reflect the broad issues I discuss, I wanted to rename my blog. Sexuality Reclaimed seems like the main undercurrent of my work, and covers relationship diversity, love, sex, politics of the body and work (related to sex work), feminism, and other social justice issues. I also was tired of having a blog that named my project by something it wasn't (that is, J and I have been working on not operating within a paradigm of monogamy, and I want a site that is named by what it actually is and does).

I also want to take some time to think about, if and when I become very publicly out, how much detail I want associated with my professional identity. Right now, my stance is one of high transparency. You will see that on my new site, I have imported all of the posts from this site. I may decide to make some of them private; I haven't decided yet.

Anyways, I will be posting all of my posts on both sites for the next couple of months. And then I will be saying goodbye to this site. I hope you follow me to sexualityreclaimed.com!

Helen of Troy Does Countertop Dancing by Margaret Atwood

Wanted to share this amazing poem:

Helen of Troy Does Countertop Dancing
by Margaret Atwood

The world is full of women
who’d tell me I should be ashamed of myself
if they had the chance. Quit dancing.
Get some self-respect
and a day job.
Right. And minimum wage,
and varicose veins, just standing
in one place for eight hours
behind a glass counter
bundled up to the neck, instead of
naked as a meat sandwich.
Selling gloves, or something.
Instead of what I do sell.
You have to have talent
to peddle a thing so nebulous
and without material form.
Exploited, they’d say. Yes, any way
you cut it, but I’ve a choice
of how, and I’ll take the money.
I do give value.
Like preachers, I sell vision,
like perfume ads, desire
or its facsimile. Like jokes
or war, it’s all in the timing.
I sell men back their worse suspicions:
that everything’s for sale,
and piecemeal. They gaze at me and see
a chain-saw murder just before it happens,
when thigh, ass, inkblot, crevice, tit, and nipple
are still connected.
Such hatred leaps in them,
my beery worshippers! That, or a bleary
hopeless love. Seeing the rows of heads
and upturned eyes, imploring
but ready to snap at my ankles,
I understand floods and earthquakes, and the urge
to step on ants. I keep the beat,
and dance for them because
they can’t. The music smells like foxes,
crisp as heated metal
searing the nostrils
or humid as August, hazy and languorous
as a looted city the day after,
when all the rape’s been done
already, and the killing,
and the survivors wander around
looking for garbage
to eat, and there’s only a bleak exhaustion.
Speaking of which, it’s the smiling
tires me out the most.
This, and the pretence
that I can’t hear them.
And I can’t, because I’m after all
a foreigner to them.
The speech here is all warty gutturals,
obvious as a slab of ham,
but I come from the province of the gods
where meanings are lilting and oblique.
I don’t let on to everyone,
but lean close, and I’ll whisper:
My mother was raped by a holy swan.
You believe that? You can take me out to dinner.
That’s what we tell all the husbands.
There sure are a lot of dangerous birds around.
Not that anyone here
but you would understand.
The rest of them would like to watch me
and feel nothing. Reduce me to components
as in a clock factory or abattoir.
Crush out the mystery.
Wall me up alive
in my own body.
They’d like to see through me,
but nothing is more opaque
than absolute transparency.
Look–my feet don’t hit the marble!
Like breath or a balloon, I’m rising,
I hover six inches in the air
in my blazing swan-egg of light.
You think I’m not a goddess?
Try me.
This is a torch song.
Touch me and you’ll burn

Porn & Condoms

Apparently I am a little late to this scene, but Tristan Taormino has added a new twist to her condoms-in-porn stance. You can read her full piece here and the CNN coverage about it here. (yeah, they were published in late September. I don't know how I just found out about this!)

Taormino was deeply against Measure B, proposed in LA county this past year, mandating condom use on porn sets. A big reason she cited was the fact that the use of condoms while shooting porn can create major internal wear and tear for female-bodied people, actually increasing their susceptibility to contracting STIs. Another was that condoms don't protect against all STIs. Some people develop latex allergies. She also thinks that the government involvement in porn is about politics and not about sex worker rights, health, and safety.

However, her commitment to porn actor health and safety, and her own personal story (her father died of AIDS in the mid-90s), has caused her to change her professional standards. While before she allowed actors to freely choose to shoot scenes with condoms or without, now she will be requiring condom use in her porn productions. 

I definitely encourage you to read the piece on her site (the first link) and read on to hear from porn actors about their preferences for shooting with condoms or not and why. It was fascinating and enlightening for me to read about, and there are a variety of views represented. One major theme from many people was that they would prefer condom use be normalized.

I would tend to agree with Taormino- that the fight over condom-use regulation is about politics and not the actual safety of sex workers. I think porn actors should truly have the choice to use condoms or not; they shouldn't have to worry about marketability, profit, or branding in making the choice to have sex with a barrier. Safer sex shouldn't be dependent on a company's profit margins. 

My logical brain wants condom-use in porn to be normalized. Actors deserve to practice safer sex, just like anyone else. My lustful brain fantasizes about condom-free sex and probably would be a bit more turned on watching condom-free sex. But this also relatively moot, since I don't watch porn. I opt for erotica that simply describes condom-free sex :-P

Regardless, I am glad that Taormino is as brave, ethical, and reflective as she is: it takes guts to have complex motivations and reasoning behind professional decisions, to own personal experiences that inform them, and to publicly acknowledge when your professional stance changes.

Recent Reads

Many Teens Admit To Coercing Others Into Sex
Consent people- teach your kids, please.
 
What Humans Can Learn From A Simple Kiss
I thought this was a neat article! I love the Inuit kiss the author mentions near the end. I'm going to start doing it :D
 
All My Exes Live in Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up
Still working on this last one- it's long! But really interesting! And definitely resonates with me.

Read up! :)

Schemas, The New Sex Rules, and Women Liking Sex

Taking notes for my basic psychology class has been a good thing for me, especially when I get to learn about and relearn basic concepts. For example, schemas are cognitive structures for perceiving, processing, and organizing information. Scripts are sequential schemas (for example, going to the movies, or going on a traditional straight date: most people understand these scripts and act in accordance with them without needing explicit instruction).

In his most recent blog post, Marty Klein discusses The New Sex Rules, and how even though we (as a society) have worked past old, harmful rules about sex (you shouldn't tell your partner you masturbate, real women orgasm from intercourse, etc.), we have new ones floating around (everyone should masturbate, you should be able to orgasm from oral sex, etc.). All of these rules introduce scripts for sexual relationships that can provide "easy" ways of going through the motions of having sex, but also mean that sexual relationships may not have explicit communication embedded within them, resulting in sex that is not satisfying or fun for either or both (or more) individuals. 

J also passed along this NPR article about an interview done with Erica Jong, author of Fear of Flying. In the summary about the interview, Jong also introduces her own schematic understandings of sexual relationships, some of which are more progressive than others. Her own ways of structuring sexuality and sexual and romantic relationships, although progressive for when she wrote her book 40 years ago, clearly impact her perception of kinky relationships (ala Fifty Shades of Grey) and "college hook-up culture" (which I place in quotes because I think it is completely overblown).

She says something like "If you look at Fifty Shades of Gray, it's a very, very retrograde book, because if you're tied up and aroused, what are you really doing? You're giving up all responsibility for your sexuality. So, you cannot be a bad girl, because you're tied up. ... You can be a victim." And with regards to college hook-ups: "I think that [young] women today — particularly in universities and so on — are doing hook-ups... But I don't think that they're getting much joy out of it. If you look at Girls, Lena Dunham's program ... in many ways is very dark — these girls are not getting any pleasure. They're watching the men get pleasure. And so if hook-ups are so wonderful, why are these shows so dark and disappointing?" It's pretty clear to me that even if you create and act on a new and revolutionary schema for yourself that women can and do enjoy sex, you may get to 2013 and not have a cognitive structure that allows for kinky sex to be enjoyable or for casual sex to be enjoyable. Maybe I am out of bounds here, but that's what it seems like to me from this interview summary. 

Any other thoughts out there?

Asexuality & Dan Savage

Dan Savage recently responded to a nosy family member about her brother-in-law's asexual orientation.

While his advice to BTFO (butt the fuck out) was right on, there were some lines that did not resonate with me. Namely: 

"Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual's needs has no business dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least, asexuality must be disclosed."

I would agree with Dan that people with out-of-the-ordinary sexual interests/non-interests should lay those cards out early enough in the relationship that the potential partner can make a more informed relationship decision. This applies to "extreme" kinks (like wanting a 24/7 master-slave relationship or wanting to get pooped on), and I think it can also apply then for someone who has zero interest in sex. Dan's sentiment that asexuals should not date sexuals is getting into dangerous territory. What about other potential relationships where one partner no longer can have sex, or never could, for physical or health reasons? How is this sentiment any different from saying that kinky people have no business dating non-kinky people? I think the world is too big to make such statements, and also assumes that many people don't have the thinking power to come up with creative solutions to relationship compatibility issues. Maybe it would be easier if an asexual dated another asexual, just as it might be easier for both people in a relationship if they were both turned on from pooping on each other. But love seems to be bigger than having the same exact sexual, nonsexual, romantic, intimate, emotional desires, and I am willing to bet that there are satisfied and happy asexual/sexual couples out there.

What do you think?

Here are a couple of resources on asexuality:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
Asexuals: Who are They and Why are They Important?

Hands-Free Orgasms

I loved this article J passed along to me this past week: I'll Have What She's Thinking

I love the idea, possibility, and reality of hands-free orgasms. The brain is so cool. I really kind of love how we don't understand everything about the biology and physiology of sex still- I think it speaks to the obvious fact that we can't even possibly understand the complexities of the psychology and social influences surrounding our sexuality and sexual experiences.

[We have a friend who talked to us once about her hands-free orgasm experiences at the gym while she uses the leg-lift equipment. Hot, hot, hot.]

Remember my post about self-hypnosis and masturbation? This applies here, too.

Have you ever had a hands-free orgasm? How do you do it? Wanna teach me your method? I am a willing student!

Recent Articles From J

Here are some articles and blog posts J sent me recently... 

This is a fabulous article on foundations for relationships, and how regardless of structure, people would benefit from working on recognizing these foundations... and then leaving the structure to do its thing without judgment:
Why you shouldn't (and should) be monogamous

This one is fabulous!! It's great to see the different types of monogamy delineated so clearly. Also, I hadn't come across the phrase "activity monogamy" before although J and I have certainly experienced the effects of (me) identifying with it before:
The Four Monogamies

Researchers investigated the possible link between attachment styles and fantasy frequency and content. I'm a little skeptical about the generalizability (is that a word? ha) of the study, but it's interesting for sure:
An Inside Look at Fantasies

This last one is especially interesting as it was written on a Christian blog, discussing the fear that gay marriages will redefine straight marriage as nonmonogamous. J said the comments that people left fascinating.
What You Should Know About "Monogamish" Relationships

Recent Articles & Resources

Some recently seen articles I wanted to pass on:

J found these great (/annoyingly funny) pieces on The Onion:
On a family watching sexually explicit movies
Abstinent only sex education
Marriage counseling is a scam
Hatred of marriage counselor

For those of you as fed up as me with all of the hype about "hook up culture," here is a study that discusses how it's a bit (and by "a bit" I mean very) overblown: Study dispels notions of 'no-holds barred' sex on campus

Anyone want more of Marty Klein's great wisdom? Sign up for his teleseminar series!! (Probably most interesting to those working in the mental health/psychology/counseling field)

And, lastly, today Dawn Davidson and Kathy Labriola are offering a free teleseminar on managing jealousy! It's going to be awesome! RSVP even if you can't listen live so you can listen to the recording later!

Psychology Today: Happily Never After

I received my latest "Psychology Today" last week, and was happily stunned to see the following piece in the beginning (click for a bigger, higher resolution picture):

Thanks to Poly in the News for sharing the image!!

Recent Recommended Reading

How Important Is It To Date Your Intellectual Equal?
Something that J finds particularly intriguing- why is it that intellectual compatibility is not mentioned in so many of the relationship books that we have read? We talk about sexual compatibility, comfort levels, values, etc but rarely or never about the ability to engage mentally with our partner(s) about the topics that stimulate us. Maybe it goes without saying, maybe some people don't really value an intellectual match, or maybe it's something else.

10 Reasons Sluts Make Better Friends
Loved this article. I think all of the points are true. It's unfortunate that slut-shaming is part of our cultural paradigm and therefore enters research as an assumption.

Is Forced Fatherhood Fair?
Another great one. There should be more reproductive health and family planning options for men; they are half of the baby-making process.

I'm Still Here!

I don't know if it was our trip to Maui, the summer weather back in the PNW, boredom with blogging, boredom with myself, or a combination of all of the above, but I just lost my drive to blog. I think it's coming back. (*fingers crossed* I really like blogging, so I want to want to do it!)

Some highlights:

-We are about 98% sure we are staying in the PNW. The school I want to go to up here has a sex therapy clinic. Amazing!

-We had an awesome party last night with all of our sexy and wonderful friends, and it was really satisfying to have so many beautiful and open people in one spot!

-Still dating the lovely M :D and it's going really well!! (I think so anyway!)

-J graduated and it was really, really amazing to watch him walk across the stage, get his diploma, and wear his gown and cute hat :D I am so proud of him!! 

Some favorite articles from the past couple of weeks:
"Unexcited? There May Be a Pill for That" on New York Times
"The War Against Monogamy is Bullshit" on Jezebel
"What's in your Vulva?" on Nursing Clio

Some things coming up I am stoked about:

-Dan Savage is here! Today! On book tour! Let's see if I can kick these awful allergies for a couple hours so I can go

-World Naked Bike Ride! Enough said.

-PRIDE PARADE. Also, enough said.

-Some upcoming time to be spent at our swingers' club. So excited!!!

Happy June!

Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex

I am finally trying to get through a bunch of sexy books I bought over a year ago- I just finished one. And loved it (for the most part).

Sallie Tisdsale's Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex is engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It was published in the early 90s, and some of what is in there is a bit dated, but a lot of her philosophizing on gender, sexuality, orgasm, sex, and love still applies. I bookmarked so many pages because her poetic words captured feelings of my own. (The parts I didn't love as much were sentences here and there that I found surprisingly gendered- sort of a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus sentiments. Otherwise, it was a solid read!) I also really enjoyed the parts about the intersection between law and politics and sexuality (porn, prostitution, medical laws surrounding transgender surgery, religious influences, etc.).

The book is separated into four chunks, each with a few different essays on different topics: Desire (discussions of sex, the myth of Adam and Eve, sexual orientation), Arousal (discussions of porn, prostitution), Climax (discussions of erotica, orgasm), and Resolution (discussion of breaking taboos, BDSM, transsexuals and transgenders).

I bolded my favorite parts of quotes (sorry for how many there are!! can't help myself). Some I added explanation to, while many I let stand on their own.

Favorites from Desire

One of her opening quotes that I loved:
"Sex is, truly, not important- that is, something we can cease worrying about- only to the extent that we look at sex and see it for what it really is, and nothing more" (p6).

"Now I can see I'd lost my virginity- and lost is not the right word at all, because I never went looking for it again- years before that, when someone or other had touched me in a way so pleasurable, I couldn't wait to be touched that way again. Sex begins, for each of us, when we feel as though we'd gone through a door and won't be going back. Don't want to go back" (p 34).
I love that line: "because I never went looking for it again." I've thought before about defining virginity as somehow "lost" or "gone" once one goes through puberty. Her description ("when we feel as though we'd gone through a door and won't be going back") feels accurate for me.

I think I have, too, been seduced by the idea of same-sex sex, under the idea that this other woman will be just like me and know exactly what I want. What a silly idea.
"I have at various times in my life been seduced by homosexuality, by the very idea of it, to the same degree and with a similar sexual charge. I want its possibilities, its infinite variations on a theme. Women I recognize; they are the familiar, the known, different patterns cut from one fabric. One and one combined into more than two, additive rather than diminutive. The fantasy of homosexuality isn't about being completed; it's about being increased. And this is as much fiction as reality, too" (p 66).

"All relations spark with conflict from the movement toward anyone outside ourselves, since all others are inevitably apart from us, separate, ultimately unknowable. For all the ease in female friendships, my romantic and sexual attractions, my romantic and sexual attractions toward women have never felt safe or bland or controlled. They are just as risky and terrifying and pregnant with possibility as any involvement with men" (p 67-8).

"We are all in search of balance, and evening out of things, and whether we seek in our lover the 'other' that is missing or the 'self' that we recognize, it is our selves with which we are stuck" (p70).

"I believe most people are bisexual to varying extents. This seems so obvious as to sound mundane...I believe we are all penetrable, we can all penetrate, we can all be top, bottom, masculine, feminine, up and down...When we describe what attracts us, we are usually thinking too narrowly, and forgetting where our loyalties in fact lie, who our lovers really are and what they look like and how little that matters.
The range should not be zero through six [referring to the Kinsey scale], but zero through six hundred, or six thousand...Perhaps there is one sexuality for each of us..." (p 76).
I think perhaps so!! One sexuality for each person. :)

"The more I watched pornography, the more layers peeled off my experience of lust, one layer after the other, because I didn't always like my response. When something dark and forbidden emerges, I resist still. My body is sometimes provoked by what my mind reproves" (p 97).

Favorites from Arousal

"Even when I'm not bashful in the act of purchase [of porn], I'm bashful watching. I can feel that way with friends, with my lover of many years, and I can feel that way alone. Suddenly I need to shift position, avert my eyes. Sex awakens my unconscious; pornography gives it a face. Bashful is not a bad thing, either; I'm repeatedly reminded this way that sex holds, perpetually, a special place" (p 133).

I think her views on porn and anti-porn feminists are fascinating (she is very pro-porn):
"There is so much wrong with traditional pornography. It just plain disgusts me sometimes, with its juvenile assumptions, boring repetition, lack of depth. But as much as what is wrong with porn, I see what is right: In porn, sex is separated magically from reproduction, marriage, and the heterosexual couple, all of which most feminists would argue have been oppressive to women....
Women like Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworking have allied themselves with a political camp that is also against reproductive choice, gay rights, and gender equality. Dworkin's lurid antisex prose reads like arty dime-store pulp to me. She looks down on me and shakes her finger: Bad girl. Mustn't touch. I've heard those words too many times before" (p 157-8).

I loved her essay on prostitution and sex work. She interviewed Samantha Miller, one of the co-directors of COYOTE (Call Off Your Tired Old Ethics, the oldest organization in the US for prostitutes and sex workers), and I love this passage:
" " 'Doing sex work is damaging,' people say. 'Giving all those blowjobs is damaging, it's degrading.' I think society's attitude toward blowjobs it what's degrading. Not the actual act," says Samantha Miller. "My belief, and this is really a hard one for people to take, is that given economic equality for women-all things equal- there would still be women who would choose to do sex work, to call themselves prostitutes, to sell sex for money, however you want to say it." " (p 173)

She also interviews a young woman, Alex, who paid her way through college by being a prostitute. Alex's points are right on:
" "To me, feminism is about choices for women, period...
I went to school with upper-middle-class self-identified feminist women who would argue with me in class about how prostitution contributed to the oppression of all women and how by participating in sex work I was furthering the oppression of women. Here I was, the only working-class kid in this whole classroom of upper-middle-class kids, and they were all going to tell me how horrible sex work was and how it was against feminism, and blah-blah. And it was, like, 'Fuck you! Mommy and Daddy are paying for everything. I have nothing. Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do.' " " (p183).

"Say 'sex work' to almost anyone outside the industry, and that person will hear the word 'sex'; 'work' is a distant and seemingly unimportant echo. To look at sex work as work first can turn every assumption on its head." (p 195)
I love this point; rarely do people consider sex work as work because of the simple fact that sexual energy is involved. But the same issues involved in any other kind of work are involved in sex work- customers, colleagues, reputation, safety, skill, etc.

"The urge to romanticize the prostitute and her life is just like the urge to imagine her as infinitely sordid or as an inevitable victim- more about us than the whore. The whore scares us, the happy whore most of all, because she doesn't need conventional rules to survive and thrive. She makes up her own" (p 204).

I love her description of her fantasies (too long to type and include here)- but it is so similar to my own. Just snapshots of different images, without any real storyline or plot:
"Some images, which have gotten so fragmentary they hardly qualify as fantasy, are twisted and nasty, and some are postcard-romantic" (p 221).

"...dominance is really about cowardice and courage, our unwillingness and inability to let go completely for even a second, and our wish to be dominated by our wish. To have sexuality itself say to us: I know what you want, baby, and I'm going to give it to you" (p 222).
Mmm I just love this one. 

Favorites from Climax

"Penis envy is about something bigger, darker, more amorphous, more instructive than the body alone. We dress up in various symbolic ways to confuse and confound others into thinking we do have one after all, a real phallus- that is, power over others, potent and permanently erect... It's [a penis] not as dangerous looking as a vagina, the most, dark cave out of which new people come, into which goes appetite, appetite almost ceaseless" (p 238-9).

"Adam fell when Eve fed him. Sex is food, and food is sex. Hunger leads to sin, and one solution is to eat again..." (p 252).
I like this one because of my own behavior and emotional patterns around touch, sex, and food. I notice that when I am craving touch, and find it hard to get, I overeat. I look for food to satisfy the desire for touch. Sex and touch and food are, somehow, intimately intertwined in my brain.

"Young [Wayland Young, author of Eros Denied] dislikes saying one 'has sex' because of the obscure and evasive meaning of 'have.' To have something is to possess it, and a sexual relationship is a kind of possession. It means possessing moments in time that are unique, irreducible, unrepeatable. It means having had a share of another's surrender...To 'have' something is a passive state, static, and experience of being rather than doing. To fuck is to do..." (p 256).
I love the word "fuck." So good.

"I catch myself talking about safe sex now and then, glibly, as though it had no psychic meaning. But for all the simplicity of latex, for all that protecting ourselves from sexually transmitted diseases is largely a matter of a few moments of forethought, there is a great price required. In the depth of sexual passion the skin of the other has the quality of treasure; the mundane secretions our bodies make are honey, manna, light. To be cut off from each other's fluids is a terrible thing; our fluids are meant to mingle, we long for this mingling that is both so outrageous and so pure" (p 279-80).
When I first read this, I recoiled a little- a mixture of both my public health background and my own personal insecurities around giving up fluid-bonding as a measure of primacy in my own relationship (at some point, I am sure either J or I or both will have sex without condoms with another person, and I have come to recognize this as pretty inevitable. At one point in our open relationship, I used this fluid-bonding as a marker of our primary relationship, but it shouldn't be. Our primary relationship is about life decisions and compatibility. And while safer sex is a big concern for both of us, when one of is seeing someone else long-term, I am sure it will come up as a desire for the people involved. And I am good with that.) And I think what Tisdale says is really accurate- there is a large part of my body and brain (and I'm sure for others as well) that craves the skin-on-skin, fluid-sharing part of sex. Also- the whole idea of "fluid-bonding" (at least in how I have approached it thus far in my open relationship) needs some improving. I have swallowed other men's come, I have scissored with women, I have unprotected oral sex with men and women. There is fluid sharing there.

"Libido, to Freud, meant more than sexual energy, it mean energy, a life force, full of emotion. Reich took Freud's theory of libido and expanded it: If individual sexual repression led to individual neurosis, then socialized sexual repression led to socialized neurosis. Sexually repressed cultures were violent cultures, despairing, tyrannical. Sexual freedom would lead naturally to socialism" (p 287). 

Favorites from Resolution

"When people complain about how 'exploitive' or 'degrading' something like a sex club is (having never been to one), they fail to acknowledge how terrible and exploitive marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family can be for millions of people; how painful and harmful are traditional gender roles for many people; how downright dangerous heterosexual, patriarchal culture is for all women. If radical sexuality works, if sex clubs, underground magazines, anarchic sex shows, and safe-sex education do what they aim to do, then a falling away will happen. Yes, as is feared, a crumbling of boundaries: between male and female, feminine and masculine, top and bottom, gay and straight. The center will not hold" (p 325)
I love the shivery, revolutionary feeling of this. I believe in this. 

"An erotic reality would be one in which everyone is connected to us, where there is no moral distinction between friend, lover, and stranger. Erotic reality doesn't mean promiscuity, though promiscuity might occur; nor does it mean celibacy, though certainly celibacy would exist. Both, and everything in between, would be equivalent acts. An erotic vision is one of engagement in the lives and experiences of other people, embracing them as they are, and living fearlessly" (p 333).
I think, too, inherent in this statement is the idea that romantic love is not put on a pedestal, and seen in relation to and balanced by the the love we feel for other people in our lives. Romantic love wouldn't be for just one person, necessarily, and it wouldn't be seen as "better" than any other, but just a different kind of love.

"There is peace in the chaos of sex, because it is one place we can find each other in ourselves and our selves in each other" (p 337).
Presence.

And from her closing paragraph; this also makes me feel strong and confident and revolutionary to read it:
"My personal sexual revolution will come when I do what I really want to do sexually, don't do what I don't want to do, let others do what they want to do, with a whole heart. It's not how mundane or exotic our behavior is, but how wholehearted we are that counts. I want to be the agent of sex. I want to own sex, as though I had a right it, as though sex belonged to me, to us all. Sexual freedom in my life means forgetting about sex because sex is so much a part of me as a healthy human animal that I can hardly see it at all anymore..." (p 338).

Happy National Masturbation Month!

I am so glad I ran across this news! (I obviously have been living under a rock since I didn't know this before. Whoops.)

From The Examiner: "Is May really National Masturbation Month?"

And, from the Huffington Post: "Masturbate-A-Thon 2013 in Philadelphia Celebrates National Masturbation Month"

From the Examiner piece, a brief explanation of the history:
"In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”
That was the end of Elders' career as America's first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders' ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco's sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders' unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.
Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.
And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one's sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation."

 
And, the entirety of the Huffington Post piece:
"This fundraiser is a stroke of genius.
Philadelphia's first Masturbate-a-Thon began Wednesday -- to mark this beginning of National Masturbation Month -- but won't finish until May 27, Philadelphia Magazine reports. And everyone's excited.
Sponsors can donate money for every hour participators spend... being charitable.
Profits go to local sex education groups, ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush!.
Fundraising efforts can be logged on Crowdrise.com. Through the event, the site hopes to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure.
On May 30, the Thursday after the event ends, folks are invited to attend "Creamium" -- a gameshow and dance party where prizes like "Most Creative Fantasy," "Most Pleasure Connections," and "Most Money Raised" will be handed out.
Enjoy!"

I love it. 

Masturbation, for me, is an expression of self-love, -appreciation, -wonder, -amazement, and -gratitude. It is an important practice of my self care regimen.

My plans for self-pleasure this month include:

Bring myself to orgasm while taking a bath.
Use my suction cup dildo in the shower.
Set up in front of my closet mirror and watch myself come with my Hitachi.
Masturbate right before bed.
Masturbate right when waking up.
Find some porn I like and watch it while masturbating.
Take the time to read some hot erotica to turn myself on.
Masturbate in a semi-public place.

What are your masturbation plans?