Saturday, November 30, 2013

Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time

I am re-posting my blog posts here through the end of December, and then I am saying goodbye to Monogamy Paradigm! Make sure to add SexualityReclaimed to your RSS feeds or "follow" it via email! :)


This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:

-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that experience here)… that just means we will have to do another filming session ;)

-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure :)

-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been much communication between J and his parents about whether we were coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that evening. I finally received a minor bid (albeit full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.

-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love you!


HUMP! 2013 Winners!

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Check out the winners! So exciting!

I love that Ouroburos and Fuck split the Best in Show!

HUMP! 2013 Winners!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!!


My next blog post went live on MultipleMatch: Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme.

I loved writing this one. Check it out!

Here’s an excerpt:

I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me, pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.

Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy, although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be great. David Ley’s Insatiable Wives offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.

A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of another man having sex with her.

I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having condom-free sex with other men.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Virginity & Hookups

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!


J had passed along these two articles a couple weeks ago, and because of my deluge of school reading, I just read them this week:

Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?


In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns

So many points I want to make. But the main takeaways from both for me were:

-Debra Herbenick rocks. Definitely check out her blog, My Sex Professor. Her point in the second piece about why we are so focused on women’s orgasms, if women aren’t as focused on orgasms themselves, is spot on to me. If orgasm is important to someone, and they aren’t satisfied with their current sexual relationships and encounters because they aren’t having orgasms, then it could be rich to explore that. Otherwise, what’s the fuss?

-This also points to a larger lack of sexual intelligence in our culture. Orgasm does not equal sexual perfection. Yes, orgasms are pleasurable and connecting and relaxing and cathartic. But not having an orgasm does not necessarily mean that the sex was unsatisfying, unwanted, or otherwise negative.

-The first piece left me a bit speechless (a rarity, really). I felt sad and shocked reading it. Not because virginity is sad to me, but because a lack of sexual intelligence is sad to me- it points to a lack of sexual education and self awareness, pieces that everyone deserves to cultivate and benefit from. The author seems clear on defining virginity as no PIV sex, and it seems like she has engaged in other kinds of sexual acts with partners. Why is the penetrative PIV act the epitome of virginity? Who does that serve? In this instance, it seems that the concept has done a pretty big disservice to the author, creating discomfort and insecurity, and perpetuating an idea of “the soul mate” for whom she can finally give up her (PIV) V-card.

-I had a (woman) customer at work this past weekend, who was so fabulous at differentiating at different types of virginity.

“Yeah, this guy I’m dating is a threesome virgin. Crazy, right?!”

“What about a private dance? I’m a lap dance virgin!”

I appreciated my conversation with her so much, and even more so after I read the above articles.

It adds richness to our lives to broaden our definitions of what sex is, of what being sexual means. Have different definitions for “virgin.” Know why you hold onto certain definitions, dig into them. Try being sexual without reaching orgasm to experience a different range of your sexuality. Let me know your thoughts on the above articles; there’s a lot there to chew on.

Bringing a Vibrator to Class

Read this and more at SexualityReclaimed!


I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.

“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.

I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.

“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.

I paused and looked at the other two.

“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.

Haha, yep.

J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to our toy box. It needed a good home.

Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.

I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!

How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo, self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.

The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me know how that goes” I responded, laughing.

Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.

My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a lot more excited to be doing all of this.”

Haha, me too. Me too.
slim vibe

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Satisfying Connections & Emotions

Read this on my new blog, SexualityReclaimed :)


I had a really fabulous weekend reconnecting with lovely people!

Not too long ago in counseling, I was telling my therapist that it sort of seemed to be the nature of having an open relationship that I experience loss often: Well we used to date them, and then we didn’t, and then we were friends, and now we haven’t seen them recently, and I miss seeing them. Oh, and I was dating her and it was an amazing experience, and now that relationship is just gone. And they live further away and we just don’t see them very often. Etc. etc. It makes for a dynamic social network, with people changing from new friends to play partners to close friends to romantic partners to close friends to more distant friends and back to close friends. It can be a lot for me to keep up with emotionally.

But this weekend we got to spend time with a lot of the people that I hold extremely close to my heart. Out dinner with some amazing friends that we haven’t spent much time with this fall; catching up, laughing, and eating felt so good. Some social and sexy time with our other sweet friends who we see a couple times a month; comfortable, relaxing, and satisfying social time and group sex always feels connecting for me. And our other besties over for dinner another night: real conversation about our real “stuff” made me feel totally in tune with them once again. Having some real social interactions with the people who I/we have gone through so much with in the past couple of years was deeply needed I think. And so I am so grateful that this weekend opened up and gave me all of that.

Now to switch gears for a minute:

J and I were at our swingers club on Friday (when I/we had social and sexy time), and it was the first time that J played with another person without me. And I was totally fine. I kept scanning myself for negative reactions and emotions, and I simply didn’t have them. There were pieces in place that allowed me to feel so comfortable, and hopeful that he had a good time. Our sweet friends were there, and I am so comfortable with them, that I just folded myself into them. If they hadn’t been there, I think I may have experienced some social anxiety. Also, J’s slight ambivalence about the situation helped me feel completely non-threatened by the person and proposed play. So, it would have been a different story I think if I didn’t have friends to be with and if J had fallen in love with this person at first sight. But as it was, it was totally relaxing to experience the compersive and easy nature of the situation.

This weekend was full of things to make my heart full and grateful: amazing friends, real connection, and pleasant, loving emotions. Happiness. Love. Sexy times. Yummy food.

(Not a bad way to kick off a week that will be full of family- I’m sure I’ll be writing on various things sparked by the holiday coming up. It’s really awesome to have so many positive connections and emotions salient before I embark on family time.)

Zero Sum?

Read this on SexualityReclaimed!!
I'll be re-posting my blog posts on Monogamy Paradigm until the end of December. After that, you will have to start reading my stuff exclusively on SexualityReclaimed :) Thanks for reading!


In my previous post about competition among women, I did not talk about the assumption of sexuality as a zero sum game. If I have sex means that you don’t get to, then of course the pursuit of sex and sexual/romantic partners and the policing of sexuality becomes a hyper-vigilant and competitive dance.

Another interesting illustration of this was an email J and I received recently from a couple we had met a week or so ago. We had met them for drinks, and decided that although neither of us were attracted to either of them, we would definitely socialize with them more at our swingers club. They were on a trip to Portland and were only here for another week or so. After a few days and another email to them, they finally got back to us saying that they didn’t want to have an awkward time with us: they were uncomfortable thinking about “just” socializing with us, us introducing them to some of our sexy friends, and then what might happen if they hit it off with our sexy friends… wouldn’t that make us feel bad?

Reading their email made me cringe, laugh, and feel badly for them. To go through life assuming that sex is a zero-sum game is sad to me. I have experienced this in other areas of my life, too: money, good luck, love, happiness. The framework of a zero-sum game doesn’t make me feel good. Ever. It creates anxiety, frantic stress, and sadness.

And the truth is: life is not zero sum. The more we give, the more we get. Sex included.

There are always loving people in the world who will be there for us, but only if we plan on it. Expecting less love and competition in romantic and sexual partners means we will act in accordance with that belief and inevitably have interactions that prove to us that life is a competition. Expecting a flourishing of love and sex, of happiness and real wealth in human interaction and connection, means we will experience all that those connections can offer.


Friday, November 22, 2013

Competition Among Women

Read this on SexualityReclaimed!


J passed along this article on NYT a few days ago: A Cold War Fought By Women

It is an interesting article about competition among women, and a great example of self-policing among women to enforce purity and virginity standards.

I think it makes some great points, but when I reached these quotes from Dr. Vaillancourt, one of the study researchers, I felt a little anxious:

“The research also shows that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men…Sex is coveted by men… Accordingly, women limit access as a way of maintaining advantage in the negotiation of this resource. Women who make sex too readily available compromise the power-holding position of the group, which is why many women are particularly intolerant of women who are, or seem to be, promiscuous.”

While the researchers and others quoted in the article assert that this self-policing seems to be an evolutionary characteristic and reflects attitudes within society, and not something that has been impacted or influenced by media images of the ideal women, I don’t totally buy it.

The system of patriarchy has been present among so many human cultures for so long, that it seems extraordinarily difficult to know for sure if it is patriarchy or evolution that has helped form this competition among women and preference among women for women who present as non-threatening and non-promiscuous.


Thursday, November 21, 2013

Sexuality Critical Genogram

Read this on SexualityReclaimed!


A major tool used in my counseling program is the genogram, which is basically a family tree. It is typically used during the first few sessions to diagram a client’s family (which could be an individual, couple, or family) back at least three generations. The point is to help clients see intergenerational patterns. They’re pretty cool.

In class this week, we talked about the critical genogram, which is a genogram that also depicts a client’s particular social location (related to gender, sexual orientation, class, race, ability, age, religion, etc.) and how larger systems (like patriarchy, racism, etc.),  have influenced the client’s experience of their social location and presenting problems.

So I decided to draw one depicting my perception of how larger systems of patriarchy, monogamy, and religion have influenced my experience of my relational orientation, gender identity, and sexual orientation. The main messages I have received from those larger systems include “Women are possessions, property, need to be owned, controlled, and contained,” “Sexuality is sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad,” and “Female sexuality is especially sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad.” While I have largely cut myself off from those larger systems, I am still influenced by them because of my relationships with my family, larger community, and the messages I receive from media. I experience relatively integrated relationships with my relational and sexual orientations (I feel really comfortable identifying as queer and having an open/poly relationship), but my relationship with my gender identity (woman) feels more complicated. Because I can’t completely separate stripping from patriarchy, my identity as a woman and my enjoyment and participation in the strip club culture feels complicated and richly complex.

I am excited thinking about constructing genograms with my future clients, especially sexuality genograms, which involves questions about sexual history, familial messages about sex and love, and experiences in current romantic relationships. I’m also really excited thinking about creating a way to construct and use a genogram for poly folks and families.

Here is my sexuality critical genogram :) I’m the pink circle.

Screen shot 2013-11-21 at 9.22.47 PM

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

New Favorite Toys

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J and I recently welcomed two new additions to our sex toy box:

My first nipple clamps (Bound to Please Plier Nipple Clamps from Good Vibes)


My first collar (Clover Rhinestone Black Leather Collar from Good Vibes)

[We enjoy supporting our local sex toy shops, but an amazing friend gave us a gift card to Good Vibes for our wedding, so we had to take advantage of that!!]

Both additions are extraordinarily hot!

My nipples are typically really sensitive, and while I enjoy my tits squeezed super hard, I shy away from any kind of sensation on my nipples. So I surprised myself in suggesting we get some nipple clamps. These clamps are great though, because you can choose a very low amount of pressure. I enjoyed them for just an extra amount of pressure and sensation, and I totally loved how they looked and felt against my stomach.

My collar is amazing. It is *just* what we were looking for: sparkly, sexy, submissive. It totally adds to the D/s component of our sex life when we want to play with that.

On my wish list:

A flogger.

When J and I were at the Velvet Rope’s grand reopening party a while back, I got flogged by a drag queen (that was awesome- I blogged about it here). Ever since, I have been wanting to buy a flogger, but gosh darn, they can be so expensive!! This one at SheBop looks like a possible option :)

Any new favorite sex toys of yours?


Read this on SexualityReclaimed! (My posts on this site will end at the end of the calendar year)


Last night J gave me the most extraordinary hickey. I mean, it’s huge. And super dark. It’s lovely. I love getting hickeys, I like giving them. The process of receiving one is one of the most sexy, sensual, hot, chill-inducing experiences of my life. (And I’m referring to getting hickeys on my neck. My neck is definitely in my top 5 places of erogenous zones on my body).

Hickeys get a bad rap. The most common opposition I hear is: Well I don’t want people to see it!

And of course my mind goes to: Well… why?

Because we are so averse to showing our sexuality. Subtle forms that display we are sexual, through dress, body language, eye contact, tone of voice, are everywhere. But to show off the fact that we were in fact sexual last night or the day before allows the person looking at us to conjure images of us being sexual. What were you doing when you got that hickey? Who gave it to you? What did you look like, sound like? What else do you enjoy?

I remember encountering this during school a couple of years ago. My professor, an amazing trans lesbian, came to class with some serious bruises up and down her arms. While she did not offer an explicit explanation, the conversation that ensued made it clear that she had engaged in some consensual BDSM or other kink play. She seemed to be quite happy and satisfied with her bruises, and delighted in sort of winking at the class with what it meant.

I was so intrigued, and of course, my imagination went to all of those questions I posed above. I was distracted, but it was a bubbly, effusive distraction, inviting me to think about my professor in new ways, and about my own sexuality and desires. Would I ever want  bruises like that, delight in receiving them or giving them?

Hickeys (depending where they are) are a public display of past sexuality, of romance and desire, of heat and passion. They show others that we, too, enjoy and delight in kisses, sucking, licking, biting. That we moan and ache. I don’t think a low-cut shirt or a sultry eye gaze necessarily says quite the same thing, which I think results in the differing resistance people encounter in showing off a hickey versus cleavage or physique. I think our culture of slut-shaming similarly affects women’s resistance to displaying hickeys (we may be freaks in bed, but heaven forbid other people know about that). [Interesting note: during class tonight, I did not take off my scarf. Was I afraid of people's observations and reactions to my huge hickey? Did I not want to make other people uncomfortable with my display of sexuality? I really don't know.]

Long live the hickey. Long live desire and pleasure.

HickieHickie 2

Friday, November 15, 2013

Follow Up: Poly Mecca?

Read on SexualityReclaimed!


I am so stoked that I was able to co-auther that piece on Portland as a poly mecca- it even was mentioned in Poly in the News (woot woot!).

I shamelessly promoted the piece on my FB open group as well, and I was so glad to read a comment someone in the group made, which went along the lines of: Portland is lovely, but do we really have the numbers to constitute a mecca?


No, I don’t think so. I think it’s a strong word choice. I’m sure it’s easier to find partners as someone operating from a poly worldview in SF or NYC or Seattle. But, like I mentioned in my comment back to her, for someone (Louisa) who grew up in the UK and living in Sweden to view Portland as a “poly mecca” says something about the buzz Portland receives.

I do think Portland has a pretty amazing sex positive scene, but after the trip J and I took to Seattle, it’s more and more apparent to me that we have a much smaller community than other metro areas. Perhaps, though, we have more sex positive/open/poly/kinky people per vanilla capita than other metro areas. And maybe that’s what makes it so noticeable.

Any other thoughts? For those of you living in Portland: does it feel like a sex positive mecca to you? For those of you living elsewhere: does your community feel like a safe space to be yourself out in public, or not? Why?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Contagious Love

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!


I was meeting my lawyer today to finalize our prenup… we were sitting in the Starbucks a half mile away from my apartment. Nearby, two twenty-something people sat across  a small table from one another, clasping each other’s hands, beaming at each other. Clearly enjoying one another, in love perhaps.

I smiled to myself as my lawyer explained what legal rights I was waiving by agreeing to this prenuptial agreement. I can’t claim spousal support or all of J’s belongings if he dies without a will naming me as a his heir, yadda yadda. (I know: J and I wrote this together).

Hawaii legalized gay marriage today, I remembered, smiling some more.

I kept glancing at that couple. Their energy was contagious, and it made me feel in love. Even more so than I already felt, receiving legal counsel on a document that will help J and I move forward with our legal arrangement, an offshoot of our committed and loving relationship.

It was a lovely morning.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

Please go check this post out on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!


I am so excited to announce that I have made another amazing connection- with Louisa Leontiades, of The Husband Swap. (See my post about her book here.) She also hosts several amazing websites: MultipleMatch, The Vagina Times, Postmodern Women, among others. She also writes a blog for the Huffington Post.

I recently co-authored an article with her about Portland as a poly-mecca, which is now live on MultipleMatch and will be published soon on HuffPo (I’ll be announcing that when it happens- I am so excited!)

Definitely go check her stuff out; I am thrilled to be in connection with her!

Here is the beginning of the article about Portland; please go read the rest!

What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time ;-)

This also allows for an amazing number of strip clubs to exist. In fact Portland stands as the city with the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country – most of which are fully nude clubs. Establishments are allowed to have both nudity and alcohol which attracts visitors from neighboring states to enjoy both booze and bums. This also means that Portland has the legal and social infrastructure to support two swingers’ clubs, both of which offer the ability to imbibe and have sex onsite.”

Sunday, November 10, 2013

HUMP! 2013

Read all about it here!

My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! 

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):

hump lineup 2013

My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren't aware (from Wikipedia):
"The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished."
Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that ;)

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Jacuzzi Tub: Where It's At

Please go read this post on my new site, SexualityReclaimed! :)

I don’t know if I have used a jacuzzi tub before, and if I have, I certainly had never used one like I used one tonight.

J and I had showered together, and it was pretty routine: share the water, shampoo, soap, scrub, wash face, rinse, smack each other’s asses, kiss a little. And then the chemistry that I feel with him came rushing over me, the burning want-you sensation in my abdomen and pussy. We started making out more and more. I knelt down, started sucking his cock, taking him in deeper and deeper into my mouth. We switched positions, and my pussy has never felt so good. I half-pulled him back up and turned around, guiding his cock into my aching pussy. He pounded me, coming closer and closer to coming. Every so often he would pull out and rub my clit so I come come, melting with the hot water.


He left for a moment to grab a cock sheath, and we started filling up the tub. My heart was pounding, my pussy aching for more. Sometimes it takes a lot of warm-up in order for me to take a cock sheath, but not so much tonight. I wanted it. After J slid his sheath on, we resumed our standing doggy style position, and he pounded me harder, faster, harder.

I had J sit on the edge of the tub so I could slide down onto his cock riding him hard, up and down, back and forth. We made out, he slapped my ass, pulled my hair.

Then, the part that made me hottest: J sat in the tub, and I got on top of him. The buoyancy of the water, the jets and bubbles: they were all too much for me to handle. J’s cock and the sheath were making my pussy wetter and wetter, pulsating more and more with every motion I exerted. Before long I was rubbing my clit furiously, coming harder and harder, shuddering with the desire for this man I love and want.

I wanted J’s come inside me, to fill me up. I whispered dirty things to him, fantasies of ours we share, and I told him what I wanted him to do to me. We even role played a little, the first time ever.

Thank you Seattle, for a fabulous vacation. Thank you jacuzzi tub, for making my hot sex even hotter.

New Horizons Adult Social Club

Read this on my new site!

J and I are in Seattle this weekend for many reasons (one big one is to meet our close sexy friends’ lovers!!!), but we just had to check out the main swingers’ club up here while we were here.

While Sesso in Portland has the traditional night club feel and the Velvet Rope is like your neighborhood bar, New Horizons acts like something in between. A massive house situated on massive grounds means there is a huge amount of space to socialize. The play areas are a relatively small portion of the house, but are reminiscent of the “cool” forts I tried to build when I was little. There are many levels and bunk beds and beds you have to bend down and crawl onto, beds sunken down into the floor. There is a room with fun house mirrors on all sides and the ceiling. A room with a black light and glory holes.

Pluses for this place:

-You are not allowed to wear street clothes in the play areas. We thought this probably makes the transition from socializing to playing more smooth. J also commented that sometimes it is weird to be playing at Sesso with people wearing nice/club-y clothes watching.
-You can be barefoot anywhere. No more sore feet!! So nice.
-You are able to spend the night and stay til the morning, when they serve another hot breakfast (the first is at midnight). This is included in your door fee.
-The dinner party atmosphere sounds neat, as opposed to a raucous night club or dive-y bar.
-The long orientation really helped to build potential new members’ sense of community, self-monitoring, and accountability to rules.


-You must rent towels to use on top of play surfaces (beds, couches, etc.). Staff does not change the sheets or spray down surfaces for members.
-It’s a smaller group of people that utilize the space (on average Saturdays attendance is between 125-150 people. On big parties it can get up to 500).
-The staff here, like at the Velvet Rope, did not specify what the exact rules were for using the hot tubs (and we forgot to ask).

My favorite aspect of this club? Its history.

It is the longest running swingers club. We got to meet one of the founding members, Norbert (his wife, Lorna, passed away not too long ago). The wife directed the club’s founding principle: that it was to be a safe space for women, especially single and solo women. Apparently she was disillusioned with the swinger movement during the 60s and 70s and the traditional key parties in which women were not given much agency in saying “no” to a prospective partner. So she was adamant that this new club be founded on the ability to say “no.” Pretty awesome. Norbert was pretty rad (and he’s almost 83!).

Among the small crowd that was there last night, we were definitely the youngest there (not a new experience). It was also like Sesso, in that the vibe was very straight-couple oriented (during the Speed Dating activity we participated in, men met with women. Men did not meet men and women did not meet women), and there was a lot of couple and marriage privilege: the primary dyad is sacred. In fact, while J and I were sitting in the hot tub, a woman asked if she could put her feet in, and we both said that it was fine. When she realized he and I were together, she was aghast that she “split us up”- by mere inches, mind you. And was adamant that she switch me spots: “We share, we don’t split up couples!” she said. The entire 90 minute orientation and the brief meeting with the founder and his second wife was centered around the importance of communication between the dyad. True, communication between couples is essential to having happy and fun swinging experiences. But I get kind of irked when all we hear about are couples (again though, swinging is very couples-oriented).

And while it is cool that the foundation of this club was built on women’s safety and right to say no, the fact that men are given less ownership over their sexuality and assumed to be treacherous bugs the shit out of me. Women can be just as lecherous. And, while we were at the club last night, I listened to explicit conversation among members that the “double standard” for men and women’s behavior was a-okay. Women can touch men without asking, but vice versa will get the dude kicked out.

I’m glad we checked it out, and I think we’ll probably build the club into our next visit, especially since we can stay the night there. Score! :)

Checking Out

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When J was seeing his counselor for the first time, her only concern about his open relationship was that the relationship style could be used to “check out” from his relationship with me. She commented that people can check out of their relationships in many ways, and that monogamous people do it, too. People zone out in front of their TVs, computers, phones. People obsessively check Facebook (I’m guilty of this) or the news or put a random TV show on to avoid talking about something difficult. People use work to check out, or exercise. What’s the line between a healthy coping strategy and checking out (negative avoidance)?

My realization this week, facilitated by counseling:

I have used relationships to check out of my relationship with myself.

This goes along with the same story of putting others’ needs and desires before addressing my own, but also is more damaging in that this checking out process has operated at a more sub-conscious/unconscious level.

Focusing on the highs of relationships (sexual intimacy, fantasy, fast heart beat, flush, butterflies in my stomach, frequency of communication, content of communication, etc.) takes me away from the more painful things going on in my head. As my counselor said to me this week: the brain is fabulous at using coping strategies to keep it from feeling pain.

Truth be told, my body image issues have become a total mind suck the past couple of months, and the past few weeks in a terrible way. Focusing on my relationship and fantasies have been a distraction. Something this could be a healthy coping mechanism, but when the relationship with myself with my body and my heart and mind fall to the wayside, I do myself a deep disservice.

Here’s to getting back online with myself and to having the reminder to practice self-love and self-compassion.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Who Is Marriage For?

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

This post has been all over the place. I am grateful for this response that was published, although it doesn’t capture my feelings and thoughts.

Who is marriage for? Is it for you? For you partner? For your future family? What if you don’t want to raise children?

“Getting married” is, to me, a distinct issue from being in a long-term, committed relationship. When we talk about the actual act of “getting married” we are talking about a legal and financial agreement. However, I am aware that in the popular lexicon, “getting married” means making the final, absolute decision to remain with one partner f-o-r-e-v-e-r. No wonder Seth and pcrowling were freaked out before they had their respective weddings: committing (monogamously) to one person for the rest of your life is a freaky decision.

Being in a relationship, of any flavor, should be a balance between your needs and desires and personality and those of your partner. That being said, people are entitled to make certain sacrifices if that is how they feel they should ethically operate within a relationship (Seth, for example, found solace in thinking about getting married for his wife and future family). My big caveat is: as long as those who are sacrificing are intentional about their decisions and don’t blame their partners for the sacrifices they have made. (Don’t be a martyr!)

It just so happens that my latest DatingAdvice post went live today: Can You Have Marriage & Kids in an Open Relationship? Here is a snippet; be sure to go read it!:

“How does marriage fit with an open relationship? What about having kids? Do I want those things?
Legal marriage is, to me, just that: a legal document dictating a financial agreement with a partner.
Therefore, getting legally married is a financial arrangement and agreement and can overlap with any relationship structure, given it is between two people (and in many states still, two straight people).
Legal marriage is not allowed between more than two people in any states.

This part is less important in my relationship.

While we both see the practical benefits of getting legally married (and so we probably will soon), it is less important than being clear on our other relationship agreements and maintaining transparency, trust, communication and commitment to one another.
We know many people who are married and have open relationships, and their reasons for getting married ranged from the practical, financial and legal benefits, to the practicalities of raising children together, to the symbol of being in a long-term and loving relationship.”

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Narrating Me

Another one! :)

One of my dear friends recently emailed me, commenting that it seemed like I tend to view stripping as a weakness of mine, as a liability, as something to hide and be ashamed of.


Maybe you should view it as a strength of yours, he recommended. See it as something that has empowered you and made you stronger and wiser.

Narrative therapy is my jam, I think. It’s all about identifying local and dominant discourses, identifying the influence of various identities and social locations on one’s life, and identifying sparkling events that don’t support one’s story, to help one create a new story.

So I am going to do my best to change my story around a little bit; I have felt and thought pieces of this here and there, but it has not been my dominant story:

diamondStripping has been yet one more chapter in my reclaiming sexuality story. Reclaiming female sexuality has been in the pipeline in my family for generations, for a long, long time. Each female figure in my family has reclaimed her sexuality in some way. Mine has included adventuring into conscientious relationship formation, finding my flexible and dynamic sexual orientation, discovering the wide array of my sexual desires, getting naked for money, and seeking educational opportunities that will help me advocate for other in their reclamation processes, not to mention, writing this blog. Stripping has just been one facet of my experience, and just one way I have rediscovered my power and sexuality. It will aid me in my career pursuits, as it gives me added understanding and compassion for stigmatized and marginalized populations, and another layer for understanding sexual experience.

This process of re-writing my stripping story is similar to some LGBTQ identity models (this is one, but older and perhaps a bit outdated, model). I feel like my re-writing is helping me get to some level of identity synthesis, in which I recognize stripping as one facet of my life and experience. It doesn’t define me, and definitely is not a weakness. It has added rich meaning to my life and deserves to be held up and looked at in the same light as other parts of my experience that I have historically been more proud.

Lessons from My Equity Reading

Read this post on my new site!! :)

I LOVE that one of my books for school actually correctly differentiates between sex and gender. I get so frustrated when even professors and other academics conflate the two. So, for everyone’s benefit ( I don’t want to assume that those who find/read my blog know this), here are the definitions I ascribe to (pulled from the UC Berkeley’s Gender Equity Resource Center website):

“A person’s sex refers to one’s biology – specifically, one’s chromosomes, external genitalia, secondary sexual characteristics (development of breasts, pubic hair, etc.), and internal reproductive system. Sex is a term used historically and within the medical field to identify genetic/hormonal and physical characteristics that are used to classify an individual as female, male, or intersex… Sex is a legal assignment at birth. How sex is determined is socially constructed and historically and culturally variable.”

“Gender is a set of socially constructed, assigned behaviors and identity patterns which are often perceived to be intertwined with and/or equivalent to one’s sexual biology. In fact, gender is constructed and fluid, having multiple meanings across cultures, geographies, communities, and individuals. Although society promotes the dualistic concept that people are either a woman or a man, there are more than two genders… Gender can be understood as having several components, including “Assigned Gender,” “Gender Expression,” “Gender Identity,” and “Gender Role.” “

A lovely sentiment from my book about the interplay between sex and gender: “Shortly upon receiving that information [of sex], the culture surrounding each human begins to construct the roles of gender on the scaffolding of biological sex” (Brown, 2008, p131).

Here are some other points from my reading I thought were worth sharing:

“Exclusion is not necessary when inclusion is not protected” (Brown, 2008, p176)- in reference to sexual orientation trauma

“Even nondisclosure can have negative outcomes arising from the strategies of distancing and disengagement from families used by many LGB people in attempts to conceal their sexual orientation from family, something Pharr (1988) referred to as ‘internal exile’” (Brown, 2008, p171)

[I know about that for sure. I am glad, on the one hand, I came out to my parents because I had certainly grown distant from my keeping our relationship and my sexual orientation a secret. The same had happened with J's parents. But now we have the ambiguous/sort-of-weird situation that arises when my parents know, but don't really want to know about my life. Such as when I informed them I am going to HUMP this weekend. Their shock and embarrassment tells me they don't really want to know about the sex positive community I associate with.]

“…considerable scholarship would suggest that even good parents who are themselves traumatized may have difficulties in parenting their children in such a manner as to offer sufficient support in the development of self-capacities. Parenting is an excellent example of a normative developmental milestone that can be compromised by earlier trauma exposures. Clinically, as adults these children may present with very different sets of concerns. When the traumatized parent has conveyed to the child her or his lovability and can assist the child to cognitively appraise that what is happening with the caregiver is not the child’s fault, outcomes are best, and it may require careful history taking by a psychotherapist who is aware of age-related trauma dynamics to uncover the possible contribution of parental trauma to a now adult’s difficulties with normative developmental strivings. This appears to be a more common result of situations in which a functional caregiver-child relationship is disrupted midway by a trauma such as a natural disaster or social upheaval that temporarily impairs the adult’s caregiving capacities but does not affect her or his basic love for the child or awareness of the child’s developmental needs…Somewhat more problematic appears to be parenting in which the caregiver is affected by trauma in her or his own history that has not been adequately dealt with by the caregiver” (Brown, 2008, p122-3).

[Long quote, I know, but related to my own musings about the intergenerational transfer of trauma that, in my opinion, inevitably happens, even when the previously traumatized parent has healed from the trauma. I think it can be immensely comforting to recognize that we are not born and evolve in a vacuum, but that we develop in the midst of complex family stories and narratives and we don't have to take on the family's burdens all by ourselves. For me, this is related to the sexual trauma my mom and her siblings endured, how that has been transferred to my sister and I, and how I have mediated that trauma in my own empowerment framework of sexuality to reclaim my sexuality.]

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Repost: Marty Klein and "Sex Addiction"

I have a big academic crush on Marty Klein. I think his writing is clear and informative, although at times inflammatory (which I like).
I also appreciate his stance on “sex addiction” See his two most recent blog posts on it:

Are These Symptoms of Sex Addiction? No.
If It Isn’t Sex Addiction, How Do You Treat It?

Definitely go take the Sexuality Addiction Screening Test: it’s a hoot if you use pornography or erotica, go to sex clubs, engage in casual sex, have BDSM as part of your erotic life, or engage in exhibitionism or voyeurism. It’s also funny because it assumes that the people around you hold the same beliefs and values that you do around sexuality; thus, other people’s value systems are the basis for how you score.

Although I haven’t read a bunch about “sex addiction,” from what I know about addiction in general and from the information I have read from Marty Klein, I would tend to agree with him. It is interesting to me, though, that even sex positive organizations that serve the LGBTQ community in Portland offer space for sex addiction support groups  to meet. Clearly, there are folks who believe sex addiction is a real thing. In fact, I then came across the website for Portland’s Sex Addicts Anonymous group; according to their criteria for what may be part of sex addiction, feeling asexual could be a component of sex addiction. What?!

Klein offers many other ways for folks to be treated for their compulsive or obsessive sexual behaviors, and his list makes sense to me. I especially love the last paragraph of his second post:

“Finally, let’s not forget that some “symptoms” of sex addiction don’t need treatment at all. They need a better understanding of the broad range of human sexuality, a bit of tolerance, and a culture that’s far less suspicious of eroticism. And a willingness for couples to confront their actual relationship (and for people to confront their actual desires), rather than taking the easy way out and demonizing sex.”

What are your thoughts on sex addiction? Have you ever felt addicted to sex? Do you know someone who feels they are addicted to sex?

*Remember I am publishing on my new site!! Remember to save the new blog address! :)