Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!
This post has been all over the place. I am grateful for this response that was published, although it doesn’t capture my feelings and thoughts.
Who is marriage for? Is it for you? For you partner? For your future family? What if you don’t want to raise children?
“Getting married” is, to me, a distinct issue from being in a
long-term, committed relationship. When we talk about the actual act of
“getting married” we are talking about a legal and financial agreement.
However, I am aware that in the popular lexicon, “getting married” means
making the final, absolute decision to remain with one partner f-o-r-e-v-e-r.
No wonder Seth and pcrowling were freaked out before they had their
respective weddings: committing (monogamously) to one person for the
rest of your life is a freaky decision.
Being in a relationship, of any flavor, should be a balance between
your needs and desires and personality and those of your partner. That
being said, people are entitled to make certain sacrifices if that is
how they feel they should ethically operate within a relationship (Seth,
for example, found solace in thinking about getting married for his
wife and future family). My big caveat is: as long as those who are
sacrificing are intentional about their decisions and don’t blame their
partners for the sacrifices they have made. (Don’t be a martyr!)
It just so happens that my latest DatingAdvice post went live today: Can You Have Marriage & Kids in an Open Relationship? Here is a snippet; be sure to go read it!:
“How does marriage fit with an open relationship? What about having kids? Do I want those things?
Legal marriage is, to me, just that: a legal document dictating a financial agreement with a partner.
Therefore, getting legally married is a financial arrangement and
agreement and can overlap with any relationship structure, given it is
between two people (and in many states still, two straight people).
Legal marriage is not allowed between more than two people in any states.
This part is less important in my relationship.
While we both see the practical benefits of getting legally married
(and so we probably will soon), it is less important than being clear on
our other relationship agreements and maintaining transparency, trust, communication and commitment to one another.
We know many people who are married and have open relationships, and
their reasons for getting married ranged from the practical, financial
and legal benefits, to the practicalities of raising children together,
to the symbol of being in a long-term and loving relationship.”
My latest DA post went live: The Cons I've Experienced in My Open Relationship.
This one was tough for me to write at the time, and is still not my favorite to read. It's just kind of downer for me to reflect on some of the major difficulties I have had! Haha :) But I suppose it's also a great thing to see that I/we got through them.
I received an anonymous comment about the lack of hotwifing porn. Specifically, this person expressed a desire for less explicit porn that leaves most of the story up to the imagination, but shows the soft lead-up: sexy outfit, having drinks, flirting, making out, grinding on the dance floor. Another primary component of the porn this person is seeking shows the progression of the woman's attitude, from "No way am I fucking someone else!" to "Okay, just one drink" to flirting and grinding on the dance floor to having sex. The personality of the hotwife matters to this reader: instead of acting like a "porn star," the hotwife in the porn should show more reserve and progression in attitude.
I don't seek out hotwifing porn, so I can't really speak to where to find this kind or if it exists (and this reader was adamant that it doesn't). However, I do have some other thoughts (J helped with some of these).
-Most men who are turned on by hotwifing fantasies are usually only really turned thinking about their significant others/partners/wives as the hotwife. So hotwifing porn, no matter how well it's done, may not be satisfying because it's not your wife in the porn.
-If you want to show your potential hotwife porn from the genre as a means to show her what hotwifing is about, maybe you want to rethink your strategy, given the lack of softer hotwifing porn. What about reading erotica together? Create your own fantasy plot lines. Dirty talk together, with her as the star.
-Maybe you have a blockbuster porn idea! :-) Maybe write to some porn companies??
-I'm out of ideas. I wish I had more! Thanks for comment, friend! I've been trying to get my hotwife readers to write to me for a long time...
How would you usually deal or cope with the idea if J was interested in seeing someone that was single and not familiar with the open concept, but wanting to know more? I'm having a difficult time relaxing about it, so I thought maybe hearing someone else's perspective on it might help a bit.
I think this is a pretty common sentiment. Many people I know in open relationships, myself included, feel threatened thinking about their partner dating someone who may be monogamously oriented and not respect my relationship with J.
I think, too, the idea of J dating single people was initially more threatening for me, because those single people don't have other partners taking up time and commitment, and so may demand more time and commitment from J. There wasn't a sort of predetermined "cap" on where the relationship "could go" because other relationships took up time and energy in that person's life. (I am aware these feelings reflect couple privilege, and a bias toward considering romantic relationships versus familial ones or friendships. These have been feelings of mine, and not my logical conclusions around this issue.)
However, I think it is really important to figure out what exactly you feel threatened by and communicating this to your partner. You can then either ask for something (a behavior change, reassurance, etc.) or simply trust that by expressing your concerns to your partner, they will be sensitive to your feelings.
Also, it is important to try to remember that each person is different. This new person may end up deciding that they don't want to operate in an open relationship. The new person may end up deciding they absolutely love open relationships and want more from your partner, happy with how much they have, or are ready to move on from your partner. The person may be someone you get along with really well or someone that you don't. They may convey a lot of respect toward you and your relationship or disinterest or disdain. So many situations and dynamics are possible, and you simply can't account for all of them. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to prepare for everything, when it simply isn't possible.
I think being open as you can toward the unknown can help. What do you know? You know yourself, and you know as much as you can about your partner. You know your work, where you live, what you stand by. Remain in your core to stay open and compassionate.
Practically, figure out strategies that may help alleviate your anxiety: Ask your partner about basic information about the person. Ask to meet the new dating partner. These things may help you get evidence for yourself that the new partner is someone you can basically trust to respect you and your relationship.
Also: role model what being in an open relationship is all about. This person is new to the world of open relationships? Show them how it's done! With clear, transparent, and compassionate communication, integrity, and an open heart. By showing yourself, your partner, and the new partner who you are and how you operate, how can you not elicit some level or respect? :)
Dan Savage recently responded to a nosy family member about her brother-in-law's asexual orientation.
While his advice to BTFO (butt the fuck out) was right on, there were some lines that did not resonate with me. Namely:
"Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual's needs has no business
dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least,
asexuality must be disclosed."
I would agree with Dan that people with out-of-the-ordinary sexual interests/non-interests should lay those cards out early enough in the relationship that the potential partner can make a more informed relationship decision. This applies to "extreme" kinks (like wanting a 24/7 master-slave relationship or wanting to get pooped on), and I think it can also apply then for someone who has zero interest in sex. Dan's sentiment that asexuals should not date sexuals is getting into dangerous territory. What about other potential relationships where one partner no longer can have sex, or never could, for physical or health reasons? How is this sentiment any different from saying that kinky people have no business dating non-kinky people? I think the world is too big to make such statements, and also assumes that many people don't have the thinking power to come up with creative solutions to relationship compatibility issues. Maybe it would be easier if an asexual dated another asexual, just as it might be easier for both people in a relationship if they were both turned on from pooping on each other. But love seems to be bigger than having the same exact sexual, nonsexual, romantic, intimate, emotional desires, and I am willing to bet that there are satisfied and happy asexual/sexual couples out there.
What do you think?
Here are a couple of resources on asexuality:
The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network
Asexuals: Who are They and Why are They Important?
We'll see.
I was invited (as I think were hundreds of others) to join Wizpert- a site you can access "experts" on a variety of topics and ask questions via an instant messaging app. I engaged in my first chat tonight, and it was an interesting conversation about fantasies, albeit a balance to make sure I wasn't just helping someone get off (not that that's a problem, it just wasn't my goal in joining the site) and yet also responding to their questions and comments. You can see the widget on the left side of my blog, which will take you to my Wizpert profile page, and if I'm online, you can chat me! :)
(You can also, of course, still email me/us.)
I also have made this blog a little less anonymous, as it is now linked to our/my Google+ page. Just so ya know :)
My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.
Here's my intro:
In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That
is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by
commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to
other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your
communication transparent and striving to know and understand your
partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What
are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for
more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The
foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as
sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and
insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things
about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t
give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If
they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it
as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.
I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:
Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched
I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?
I just wanted to remind readers that you are welcome to send in questions and experiences around relationships and sexuality, and I will be happy to give you my two cents! I love using your questions and experiences (similar and different) as a springboard for exploring topics around sexuality and relationships, and (hopefully) providing you with support and sense of community. The email address to use is: sellwoodcouple@gmail.com. If you prefer to send in something anonymous, leave an anonymous comment on this post (or any other post); I moderate comments, so comments are not automatically published. :)
I just saw through some stats that this blog made it onto the Top 100 Blogs of 2012 on 100BestDatingSites.org. Under "Advice for Couples," #77. Whoo hoo!
I love the description:
"a couple blogs about their transition from monogamy to an open
relationship and all of the bumps along the way. Warning: contains some
adult topics."
Haha, yeah it does! ;)
Gah, I haven't been here in forever! Haha, not really... but we've had a lot going on! I have a post up and coming about our party and honeymoon (spoiler alert: it was the BEST!), but first:
My DA post on Safer Sex went live on August 11. Read it and make safer sex sexy! :) Here's the end (make sure to read the rest!):
"When adding more sexual partners to the mix, it is important to communicate clearly with everyone about your sexual practices.
In my relationship with my primary partner, we have unprotected sex
(I have an IUD that we rely on for birth control) and use male condoms
for intercourse with all other partners.
We both get tested every three to four months for chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis and HIV.
We make sure to get hard copies of our results in case any of our
future partners want reassurance about our negative test results.
We both talk with any new partner about these practices and ask similar questions of them:
- When were you last tested?
- What were you tested for?
- Who else are you involved with sexually?
- What safer sex practices do you use with them?
From there, we are able to make an informed decision about what kind of sexual relationship we want and are comfortable with.
If I have a few different partners at any given time, I make sure to
keep the lines of communication open, so if anyone has any questions
about my safer sex practices with other people, I can talk about it.
Talking about safer sex practices can feel unsexy, but it gets easier and more natural with practice.
It’s important for your health, can help you relax with a new partner and shows you care about your partner’s health, too.
It’s the responsible and ethical thing to do if you do have a chronic
STI, and it also demonstrates to any new partners that you care about
and respect them enough to provide them with that kind of information.
How do you make safe sex sexy? How do you talk about it with your
partner or partners? What tips can you offer to make the conversation
more comfortable?"
My post on our first experience in our swingers' club went live on DA. Yay! I love this post- it's really fun for me to reflect on the purely fun and positive experiences we have had, especially in the beginning when everything was just super shiny and new.
I would add the following to the post:
If you are visiting a swingers' club for the first time, here are some basic rules of etiquette and things to think about:
-Be friendly, smile, make eye contact
-Don't be pushy
-Always ask before you touch someone
-Practice talking about safer sex before you go, and expect to talk about safer sex when you are there (if you engage in any sex)
-If this is a totally new experience for you, try to keep an open mind and keep an attitude of curiosity
-Have boundaries set up with your partner(s) before you get there
-Check in with your partner(s) throughout your time there. Check in with yourself too! How are you feeling? Many people feel overwhelmed at swingers' clubs, even during their second, third, or more visit. Be gentle with yourself, and with your partner(s), and try to enjoy your moment there without expectations or pressure.
-Talk with other regular patrons of the club to hear about their positive and less-than-ideal situations and experiences. Ask about club parties, good nights to go, other ways of being involved in the community. Making friends can help you relax and enjoy socializing with other sexually positive and adventurous people!
"My 5 Hottest Threesome Experiences" is live on DatingAdvice.com today :) I love this post! So many positive memories, experiences, fantasies, situations to look forward to... And don't forget about my #Threesome #Advanced post I published a couple of weeks ago! (Because that most definitely counts among my hottest threesome experiences)
For lack of a better word. What I really mean is: boring, uncomfortable, or stressful. My most recent DA post is on this.
These experiences can feel isolating and just plain crappy. Who wants to be the person to put a halt to the fun everyone else seems to be having? But- it's much better to be this person (in a calm, assertive, and communicative way) than to be the person that holds in insecurities, fears, and needs, resulting in a gross group energy. (been there, done that way too many times) It just takes time to figure out what kind of energies, constellations, and contexts work for you, which means sometimes experiencing less-than-ideal situations. Viewing your experiences as vehicles for personal growth will help you retain a sense of fun, adventure, and love, instead of cutting yourself (and potentially your partner) off from new experiences and people.
I failed to mention in my post for DA how crappy group sex can feel when you or your partner breaks a boundary that was agreed to before the encounter. You may find out about the boundary-breaking during or after the encounter, and I think these instances really do just suck. They can wear down the trust between you and your partner, and take a lot of processing and communicating before apologies are made, forgiveness is felt and given, and you can move forward. Again, I think viewing the experience as a vehicle for personal growth can help facilitate feelings of resolution.
Here is the first part of my post on when group sex sucks (make sure to go read the whole thing!):
"Sometimes group sex experiences are amazing and mind-blowing and way more fun than watching 'Batman.'
But sometimes they are boring, uncomfortable or stressful.
I’m going to shed some light on some of my experiences. (Make sure to look at some of my awesome threesome experiences, too!)
Most of my negative experiences with group sex have resulted from
feeling uncomfortable with something or being left out or threatened and
not speaking up about it.
So even though I didn’t say anything verbally, J. could always tell
by my energy, body language and facial expressions, which would make him
really uncomfortable.
Without communicating properly, assertively and in the moment, I have had several less-than-ideal group sex experiences.
That being said, each and every one has taught me something about myself and what kind of support I need.
These experiences have also given me a chance to reflect on what I want and how I need to communicate it."
My next DA post went live!! Love this one- it's about my adventures from straighty-straight land to the land of the queers :D Haha.
"My First Time with a Woman"
Here's the first part:
"My personal journey around my sexual orientation has been kind of breathtaking, especially as I look back on it.
When J. and I opened up our relationship more than two years ago, I identified as straight.
I had grown up in an LGBTQ affirming religious community and was part of my Gay-Straight Alliance in high school.
I definitely identified as an ally to the LGBTQ community, but I
never saw myself exploring sex with anyone other than a cisgender man."
Another thing I would add to my post is something that I finally realized and was talking to M about the other night- that I was continually fascinated by the idea of tits growing up. I wanted to see and touch friends' breasts. I wanted to really, really bad. I can't believe my desires didn't enter my consciousness until J and I opened up.
How fitting this post went live on the day of our Pride Parade!! :D Which was also so lovely. Brunch and parade-watching with some of my favorite people in the world=one happy, happy girl.
My next post went live on DA: "How to Talk Dirty in Bed" I like this one a lot :D
It's not a how-to article at all; it's about my own exposure to dirty talk and the evolution of dirty talk within my primary relationship.
Here's a snippet:
"We fantasize together a lot.
We engage in a lot of fantasy dirty talk about past
experiences, experiences planned for the future or true fantasies (they
most likely will never happen).
I guess it is helpful that we have similar fantasies and can share them in this way.
Often our fantasies are about me with other men. It turns us both on
to insane levels to whisper about me getting men off in various ways and
places.
We also fantasize about threesomes with other women and about foursomes with other couples.
We incorporate things that really turn me on, like being tied up, being submissive to men, being dominant to women, being an exhibitionist or having sex in a public place.
It’s true our brain is our biggest sex organ.
Given enough mental stimulation, we both can almost reach orgasm without much physical stimulation.
What I have discovered is: mental stimulation + relaxation + body
awareness and being present = a surefire way to have explosively
delicious sex.
...
Do you talk dirty during sex, or do you let your partner do all the
talking? What are you comfortable verbalizing and what do you keep quiet
about? I’d love to hear any experiences you’ve had when talking dirty."
Yay, dirty talk!! And a big, big shout out to our sexy friends, K & J, for being the source of inspiration for this post. I love you both :D And K's filthy, filthy mouth.
How do you know if your long-term relationship is really what you want? How do you know if you and your partner are as compatible as you can get? How do you know when to stop looking?
My dear, long-time friend called me this past weekend, very upset, because she and her long-term boyfriend had had a fight. They have two recurring fights, and they are also going through major life transitions (ending grad school, moving together, trying to find jobs, etc.). All of that alone is enough to make two people go a little bananas (I can attest to that, too). Add in some recurring fights, that never seem to resolve satisfactorily, and you're bound to feel at least a little upset, depressed, frustrated, and unsure about yourself and your relationship.
My friend told me: Sometimes I just don't know if this is the right choice for me. I've only ever been with him. I don't have anything to compare my relationship with him to. I don't know if we're just trying to force two puzzle pieces together when we shouldn't be. How do you know if you are as happy as you can be? What if there is a better fit for me somewhere else? How do you know? What if I just wonder my whole life if I settled for this?
When J and I started dating, he and I had a handful of pretty heated conversations in which he asked me those same questions: How do you know when to stop looking for a better fit, a better partner, someone with whom you are even more happy?
My response then, and my response now, was: if you are happy now, you should keep doing what you're doing. If you're not happy, then change something.
(Looking back on these conversations, J and I see what was going on: I was threatened hearing him question his happiness with me, and he was freaking out about a potential lifelong monogamous relationship starting, for him, at age 17.)
I listened to my dear friend and offered emotional support. The things I didn't tell her on the phone, but wanted to (she wasn't really calling for advice):
You and your boyfriend have been together since high school; you are both each other's only romantic partner ever. You both deserve the chance to meet, get to know, and discover other people to have the knowledge about what kinds of people you are compatible with. I don't know if this means that you two would have to break up in order to go through this discovery process; ideally, you could do it together. But wondering your whole life if you just "settled" sounds crappy. You need to make a choice: choose to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and go with it, or negotiate a change with your partner. In my experience, relationship satisfaction goes way, way up once you have a more solid idea that the partner you are with is someone you are highly compatible with (and if you discover you aren't as compatible as you thought you were, then you can make a choice about who you want to be with a in long-term relationship). If you are happy, genuinely happy, for the most part in your relationship, and if the crummy times are worth all of the happy times, then stick with it. Count yourself lucky that you created such an awesome relationship so early in your life. Be open to change and to the ever-changing dynamics of your partner and your relationship. Welcome change and be open to negotiation so that your relationship and love can be open your changing needs and desires as you grow together.
My next article on DA went live: "Looking for Group Sex?" It's not my favorite post I have written for DA, but it'll do. Specifically, I approached it more from a partnered perspective- a couple seeking a third and fourth. But I think there are probably of single people looking to have group sex as well. It made better sense and flow to use one perspective to write it, but I don't want to ignore that population. I also didn't want the post to be heteronormative, and I did my best to identify orientations (gender and sexual)- although there is room for improvement.
I am more excited about all of my upcoming posts for them: safer sex in open relationships, dirty talk, positive threesome experiences, when group sex isn't fun, a description of our swingers' club, and more. I will be blending more of my personal experiences in (or my personal experiences will be the primary focus of the post), and I feel really comfortable sharing things from my personal experience. I can easily speak from my point of view and share things that have been awesome and less awesome in my love and sexual life. I am excited!
I've been distracted from blogging by the Maui weather, but I have some posts coming up soon :)
My managing jealousy post went live today on DA, and to make it tantalizing, the title they gave it is: "Can You Watch Your Partner Have Sex with Another Person and Not Get Jealous?" Haha! It's kind of long. And not very accurate as to what my post is about. But I have also realized that DA's article titles are usually more "mainstream" obnoxious, while a lot of the content is more complex and intelligent (in my opinion).
My main points were:
Accept jealousy as a common emotion, and manage it like any other.
Understand where it comes from (envy, competition, insecurities, etc.).
What the barrier method is.
What the phobia model is.
How you can support your partner if they are experiencing jealousy.
There is one mistake in my post, which I am emailing my editor about. The third sentence of point number two, reads "For example, in a lot of open relationships, you could be feeling in competition with someone or feeling fearful you will be left." I did not write "in a lot of open relationships" into that sentence. I think you can feel in competition with someone else or feel fearful in a monogamous relationship. I certainly did, many times.
For anyone who goes to DA to read it, I'd love to hear there or here if I missed any big points with managing jealousy. I think it's a large topic, and it was pretty tough to be as concise as possible when talking about it.
I was talking with a customer at work the other day, and surprise surprise, it comes up that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex and he have tried working with open/poly relationship structures and principles before.
After talking a little about their history (extreme jealousy on her end, preoccupation with school on his, possible cheating and boundary breaking on her end, unwillingness to have rules work both way on her end, etc.; and granted, I heard more about her indiscretions than his), his question for me essentially came down to this:
How do you know whether you and your partner can work through sticking points, or whether perhaps you are simply incompatible and should find a partner with whom you agree more on relationship issues?
When sitting with him, I was just as stumped as him. I really didn't know what to say.
After talking with J and sitting with it a bit more, I think I have some coherent feedback.
How compatible do you feel with your partner in other ways? How worth it does it feel to work through challenges? For instance, J and I are compatible 95% of the time, so working through our sticking points is worth it to both of us. And, we consider each other to be life partners (another indication that we both feel a high compatibility with one another).
How important is your relationship structure to you? Is it extremely important that you have the option of sleeping with other people or dating other people? Or, are extra-dyadic sex and romantic relationships just the icing on your cake- can you take it or leave it? Knowing this may help you figure out where you can easily compromise and where you can't. If a specific relationship structure is highly important to you, and your partner has a very different idea and different needs, then you may simply be incompatible.
He also mentioned that his somewhat-of-an-ex was more focused on extra-dyadic sex, while he was desirous of other romantic and emotional relationships via the dating experience (sex was not the focus for him, or as important). He wondered aloud to me, are these differences indicative that he and his partner are incompatible or could their desires coexist? I told him then, and I still think, that I certainly know people in long-term relationships in this very situation and I think it is quite possible to have them coexist. The important thing, I think, is for each partner to recognize that they simply have different desires and needs and to respect one another. I also told him that I think unique challenges arise from this situation if both people have a difficult time relating to one another because they don't understand each other's needs. I think it also presents a situation where insecurities and instances of feeling threatened are more likely to come up.
More than anything, it was very clear that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex don't talk. For one, he didn't even know if they were broken up or not, because they have broken up so many times he can never tell when they are together or not. He didn't know when she started sleeping with a past partner, because she wouldn't be clear about it, so he didn't even really know if she had explicitly broken a boundary of their previously monogamous relationship. They had different ideas of disclosure, but they hadn't figured that out together through talking (he wanted her to offer information about encounters and relationships and she thought that he should ask about anything he wanted to know; the result was that he felt like he was prying and she felt like he was suspicious of her). Talking is a positive thing; not talking creates problems and makes them fester. (Obvious, I know.)
Does anyone else have advice for my friend?
I ran across both of these blog posts/articles recently, and I wanted to share them! They are both brief, which I think makes them even more effective and helpful.
On Journals of a Polyamorous Triad, Simon posted this article: "Feelings Matter."
Favorite line (make sure to read it for context!):
"In effect, the practice of ethical communication becomes a license to do
as they please without fear of accountability or being told no."
And, on DatingAdvice, I was pleasantly surprised to find this very straightforward article: "Why 'You Complete Me' is BS."
Favorite lines:
"So instead of looking for someone to complete, and for someone to complete you, be complete in and of yourself first.
When you bring your complete self to the relationship, instead of
having the relationship or your partner define who you are, then you’re
able to really recognize if you’re compatible with the person you’re
with."
And another one: on Psychology Today, "Don't Wait for Desire: Reverse the Equation."
Favorite lines:
"If you wait until you feel horny to have sex, you may never
have sex again! So, don’t wait to feel horny to engage in a sexual
encounter. Instead, put it on your schedule and allow the sexual
encounter itself to get you horny...
Just as it isn’t comfortable to put on the wrong size shoes, it isn’t
going to work to rely on a model of desire that no longer fits your
current life stage."
