Recognizing the Third in Monogamous Relationships

My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.

Here's my intro:

In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your communication transparent and striving to know and understand your partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.

I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:

Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched 

I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?

Happy National Masturbation Month!

I am so glad I ran across this news! (I obviously have been living under a rock since I didn't know this before. Whoops.)

From The Examiner: "Is May really National Masturbation Month?"

And, from the Huffington Post: "Masturbate-A-Thon 2013 in Philadelphia Celebrates National Masturbation Month"

From the Examiner piece, a brief explanation of the history:
"In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”
That was the end of Elders' career as America's first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders' ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco's sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders' unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.
Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.
And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one's sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation."

 
And, the entirety of the Huffington Post piece:
"This fundraiser is a stroke of genius.
Philadelphia's first Masturbate-a-Thon began Wednesday -- to mark this beginning of National Masturbation Month -- but won't finish until May 27, Philadelphia Magazine reports. And everyone's excited.
Sponsors can donate money for every hour participators spend... being charitable.
Profits go to local sex education groups, ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush!.
Fundraising efforts can be logged on Crowdrise.com. Through the event, the site hopes to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure.
On May 30, the Thursday after the event ends, folks are invited to attend "Creamium" -- a gameshow and dance party where prizes like "Most Creative Fantasy," "Most Pleasure Connections," and "Most Money Raised" will be handed out.
Enjoy!"

I love it. 

Masturbation, for me, is an expression of self-love, -appreciation, -wonder, -amazement, and -gratitude. It is an important practice of my self care regimen.

My plans for self-pleasure this month include:

Bring myself to orgasm while taking a bath.
Use my suction cup dildo in the shower.
Set up in front of my closet mirror and watch myself come with my Hitachi.
Masturbate right before bed.
Masturbate right when waking up.
Find some porn I like and watch it while masturbating.
Take the time to read some hot erotica to turn myself on.
Masturbate in a semi-public place.

What are your masturbation plans?

Phone Sex

My lovely cousin recently loaned me Miranda Austin's Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills. I finished it in three days!! What a hoot! Her stories are super entertaining, and many of them were arousing for me. (So if you want a combo informative book + erotica, then you may love this book)

It sparked various thoughts for me:

-The author herself is kinky and into different kinds of BDSM play (mainly, D/S and S/M). She also got something from phone sex work; it wasn't super often that she just sat there bored, twiddling her thumbs while she faked arousal. Many of her customers had kinks or fantasies that also turned her on. Sounds like a pretty great job to me!

-I think being a phone sex worker is a much more intimate sex job that stripping is, and I would bet, more than pedestrian prostitution is. Phone sex is all about a mental connection; tapping into someone's fantasies, figuring out what makes their brain tick so that they are physically turned on- that is intimate stuff. The physical realm can be so casual and so removed from emotion and mental connection. Not so with phone sex. (Granted, she had plenty of customers who told her what they wanted, got off in 5-10 minutes, and hung up. But many of the stories she included were about customers where there was much more of a relationship, and a consistency and depth to the relationship. And, I think those same things can definitely happen between strippers or prostitutes and regular customers. From my experience, though, it can be far easier to be present physically and not mentally. With phone sex, you have to be present mentally.) Phone sex seems extremely vulnerable, for both people, to me.

-Interestingly, phone sex is not considered prostitution or sex-for-pay and is thus legal. Also, a rule called the "900 rule" means that any phone lines starting with 900 are regulated by the FCC obscenity regulations. "Obscene speech" is not protected under the First Amendment and so phone sex workers working off of a 900 line cannot talk with you about anything illegal- incest, rape, or sex with minors. Toll-free numbers are not regulated by the FCC, though, and you can talk about anything with phone sex workers there.

-I like the fact that phone sex is a really safe form of sex!! No chance of STIs or pregnancy with phone sex! And as long as you feel mentally/emotionally safe with the person you are engaging with, you should be good there :)

-I also really like phone sex as another tool to keep up on in your sexual toolbox for use with partners. What it's really about is dirty talk: learning what words you think are sexy, learning how to describe things in great detail, figuring out your fantasies and practicing communicating them to your partner(s). I think phone sex is hot!! I love the image of J masturbating, and so I know I would love breathing heavily into the phone, dirty talking him, visualizing him masturbating, and pleasuring myself. HOT!

-I am honestly considering trying to find a phone sex girl who is into girl-girl sex. I think it could be a really hot way for me to experience some girl-girl sex on a semi-regular basis. I'll definitely blog about anything I try out ;)

Erotic Dream

We had decided to just be friends. I have been feeling sad and disappointed. We were hanging out, in a beautiful house. For some reason, we both have our shirts off. Your tits are so firm and round and lovely and fit perfectly into my hands. I turn to leave, somewhat remorseful and feeling pitiful that it wasn't ever going to be more. You catch my arm, turn me back around, and say Wait. You smile and lean in. You kiss me. Long and sweet. I smile, ecstatic. I had been waiting to show you how much I love you. We fall onto a large bed, rolling around, kissing, laughing. We start to tear each other's clothes off. I reach down in between your legs, and feel a cock. I feel absolutely neutral. You could have a pussy or a cock or something in between, and I wouldn't care. Because you are a beautiful, amazing soul and I don't care what bits you have in between your legs. You look at me concerned, but I tell you with my body and eyes that I love you. You relax, releasing yourself into my arms. We continue to play, loving each other's bodies.

I wake up, sad that it was only a dream, but grateful that at least I had one of you.

My Gang Bang / Goddess Worship Fantasy

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

***

Want to know part of my gangbang/goddess worship fantasy? Read on, read on:

J drops me off at the hotel, where he warms me up. He goes down on me, makes me squirt, but keeps me from orgasm. He leaves me to get all dolled up and to play with my vibrators and dildos, but I will not be allowed to orgasm yet. I wear some sexy lingerie and jewelry and heels. J goes out and meets a group of men (5-15) at a bar near the hotel, and makes sure everyone is still comfortable with the rest of the evening. When everyone is ready, he leads everyone back to our room, where he will first come in alone. He blindfolds me and puts my arms and legs in the bed restraints. He calls me a little gangbang slut and tells me know that there are a bunch of guys waiting to have their way with me. Soon after, he lets everyone in.

When everyone comes in, J fingers me and goes down on me so you can see how I squirt and orgasm. Then I want whoever is ready first to penetrate me and fuck me for a few minutes to warm my pussy up. Without cumming, he takes his cock out of my pussy so that J can fuck me until he comes. Then the first guy can resume fucking me and fuck me as hard and long as he wants until he comes. While this is going on, I want someone to put his cock in my mouth, and I want a cock in each of my hands. When my pussy is free, I want someone else to start using it. After a while, I want the restraints off so that I can use my arms and hands more freely. I want some men to hold my arms and legs down while someone fucks me. I want to be put into whatever positions suits my group. I love doggy style. I would love to be flipped from my back to my stomach and back again. I love spit roast- being fucked from behind while I go down on someone else. I want cock in my face the whole night. I want everyone to come as many times as everyone wants, and I want everyone walking away satisfied. I want to be spanked, my hair pulled, and to be called slut and whore. I want to use the restraints and to be held down. I want come on my ass, tits, face, stomach and legs. I crave being a cumslut. If I ever get tired, I want to simply lay on the bed while everyone uses my pussy. Then I want everyone to slowly leave so that J can pound me and use my pussy for a second or third or fourth time.

***

I fantasize about this so much. J and I have become "those people" that use Craigslist as a sex toy. We have posted several ads to create one of these events, and for some reason or another, they don't manifest (STI concerns, surgeries, family obligations, etc.). I really do hope that at some point in my life, I am able to experience my fantasy and live it out. Because I know. I know it will be super, super hot, hot, hot.

The L Word

J and I have been watching "The L Word," the 2004 Showtime series. I honestly don't know who likes it more- me or him. I guess the main thing is: we both love it!


We realized why we both like it so much. The downside to traditional, free porn online is that there is hardly a story or plot. You don't get to know the characters, and if there is any storyline, it is cheesy and embarrassing at best. The downside to written erotica is that you don't get the added pleasure of seeing the action visually (although there is definitely something to be said for having the freedom to visualize characters and scenes however you please). The L Word is the best of both worlds: developed characters and plots, hot actors, and hot sex. It's like erotica come to life!


I just can't believe how turned on we both can get from watching this show. I think it's pretty dramatic, and sometimes cheesy, and I also am a bit annoyed that there isn't much size difference among the actors on the show (most of them are rail-thin!). But, it is entertaining enough, and when sex does happen on the show, it adds to the plot and characters. I also think the show does a decent job of showing different kinds of sex- while the passionate scenes turn me on the most, I like seeing slower and more sensual sex, and sex between long-time partners.


Yay porn, yay erotica, yay The L Word! And yay for the fact that we are still on season 1, and each episode is like 45 minutes long... we have a lot to get through ;-)


Happy Weekend!

Erotica

I just have to ponder... why have I not been reading erotica on a regular basis? A good friend from school (thank you, A!) sent me Fifty Shades of Grey, and so far... I just can't stop reading it!

Reading details of characters, their motivations, desires, the way they talk and breathe... it is all just too much for me! No wonder these books are New York Times bestsellers... there are a lot of happy, happy readers all across America :-)