Contacting Exes

I loved this article on how exes "live on" in our lives because of social media. We may still be connected via so many different sites, it can be impossible to escape their ongoing lives. Short of unfriending people, blocking them, and using extreme willpower to keep yourself from checking up on people, exes live on in our social spheres.

What's the protocol for contacting an ex? The author of this article seemed to have the attitude that contacting exes is simply a consequence of our social media environment. It may bring about uncomfortable, awkward, or self-pitying moments, but it's not something we can really help at this stage of being so overwhelmingly connected.

Here's my reality check: we can help it. You can unfriend people, block them so they don't show up in your feeds- if you really don't want to be connected to your exes anymore. My personal philosophy about relationship leads me to believe that exes can be friends; relationships have the ability to be dynamic and flexible, given that the individuals are willing to move through that change. 

However, I don't think this means there aren't some basic rules of etiquette around contacting exes. An ex asked you to not contact them anymore? Don't contact them. You and an ex parted amicably but haven't talked in months? Don't text them to tell them about your latest sexcapades. You and an ex parted amidst super drama? Don't message them on Facebook to offer your latest fantasy. All of this, in my opinion, is weird.

Analyze your motivations for contacting exes, and for "checking up on them." What are you hoping to gain? Does the communication you want to engage in make sense given where your romantic relationship ended, and where any friendship after the break-up has gone? Explicit communication is key: if you want to be friends again, tell them that. Then respect the relationship for how it moves and shifts; don't force it.

Recent Reads

Many Teens Admit To Coercing Others Into Sex
Consent people- teach your kids, please.
 
What Humans Can Learn From A Simple Kiss
I thought this was a neat article! I love the Inuit kiss the author mentions near the end. I'm going to start doing it :D
 
All My Exes Live in Texts: Why the Social Media Generation Never Really Breaks Up
Still working on this last one- it's long! But really interesting! And definitely resonates with me.

Read up! :)

The Husband Swap

J recently read The Husband Swap by Louisa Leontiades. Because he isn't as into blogging, I decided to interview him about the book and type up his responses instead :)

The basic premise of the memoir: the author and her husband adventure into the world of open relationships and polyamory.

J says Leontiades' story is the classic "why you don't open up a struggling relationship" example. J sees through the author's description that there was very little wrong with the open relationship itself. Instead, the people within the relationship were not happy with each other and wanted different things leading to dramatic experiences.

Leontiades and her husband decide that they want to meet another couple to explore nonmonogamy with. The other couple they end up exploring with also struggles within their coupled relationship (serious mental health issues plague the other woman). J mentioned that it was really interesting to see the different relationship dynamics the author experiences with each man (her first husband and with the other man)- in the fashion of Arianne Cohen's The Sex Diaries Project, the author has more of a lovers relationship with her first husband and more of an aspirers relationship with the other man.

SPOILER ALERT: The author and her husband are not together at the end of the story. Both couples end up divorcing and actually "swapped partners." The author has been with the other man from the other couple, married for seven years, has children with him, and they have an open relationship. (Her ex husband and the other woman were also together for a little time.) J was quite shocked to read at the end that Leontiades and her new husband still have an open relationship, given all of the drama that the two couples went through together. Pretty interesting, yeah? It definitely speaks to the potential fluidity of relationships.

This story is a pretty dramatic example of open relationships. J doesn't see the story as a very positive representation of open relationships, but the author doesn't blame the relationship structure (she blames "messy" individuals). Leontiades gives a great deal of insight into her emotional world, which is helpful and insightful into the dynamics of her particular story. In fact, the story made J question if poly relationships can ever really work, as the story represented a pattern that he has seen between me and other women we have been in relation to (situations spiraling out of control between the women involved). (However, I have to say J in response: this is blaming the "failure" of poly relationships to the structure and not the individuals in relation to each other. To which I also say: I have been a "messy" individual myself, as you well know. And my internal world has become a lot cleaner in the past couple of years, and in the past year in particular!)

J doesn't know if he would recommend this story to others; it definitely is not for the poly/open faint-hearted, and probably not the best for someone just exploring open relationships (it sounds like it could scare people away! ha!). It also has little to no advice or how-to structure; it really is just a personal story. It is awesome to have another memoir out there about open relationship experiences (we both really love Jenny Block's Open) and we hope to read more and more as people have the courage to share so publicly their experiences.

Breaking Up Stinks

Even when it's between two pretty self-reflective and kind people. Even when it's a calm conversation. Even when it's pretty clear both people just wanted different things. Even when even when even when. It just hurts.

"Relationships END; it doesn't mean they were a failure, or that your ex-parters are bad people."

And:

"You can't expect to HAVE what you want if you don't ASK for what you want."
"Just because you FEEL BAD doesn't necessarily mean someone did something WRONG."
"If you're AFRAID to say it, that means you NEED to say it."
"EXPECTATION on your part does not incur OBLIGATION on someone else's."
"Love is ABUNDANT."
"Relationships are often different in THEORY than in PRACTICE."
"Be FLEXIBLE."
"Life is CHANGE."
"All of us are terrible at predicting how we will feel in new circumstances."
"When you hurt someone-and you will- suck it up, take responsibility, and do what you can to make it RIGHT."
"Feelings are not FACT."