Sunday, June 30, 2013

When Group Sex Sucks

For lack of a better word. What I really mean is: boring, uncomfortable, or stressful. My most recent DA post is on this.

These experiences can feel isolating and just plain crappy. Who wants to be the person to put a halt to the fun everyone else seems to be having? But- it's much better to be this person (in a calm, assertive, and communicative way) than to be the person that holds in insecurities, fears, and needs, resulting in a gross group energy. (been there, done that way too many times) It just takes time to figure out what kind of energies, constellations, and contexts work for you, which means sometimes experiencing less-than-ideal situations. Viewing your experiences as vehicles for personal growth will help you retain a sense of fun, adventure, and love, instead of cutting yourself (and potentially your partner) off from new experiences and people.

I failed to mention in my post for DA how crappy group sex can feel when you or your partner breaks a boundary that was agreed to before the encounter. You may find out about the boundary-breaking during or after the encounter, and I think these instances really do just suck. They can wear down the trust between you and your partner, and take a lot of processing and communicating before apologies are made, forgiveness is felt and given, and you can move forward. Again, I think viewing the experience as a vehicle for personal growth can help facilitate feelings of resolution.

Here is the first part of my post on when group sex sucks (make sure to go read the whole thing!):
"Sometimes group sex experiences are amazing and mind-blowing and way more fun than watching 'Batman.'
But sometimes they are boring, uncomfortable or stressful.
I’m going to shed some light on some of my experiences. (Make sure to look at some of my awesome threesome experiences, too!)
Most of my negative experiences with group sex have resulted from feeling uncomfortable with something or being left out or threatened and not speaking up about it.
So even though I didn’t say anything verbally, J. could always tell by my energy, body language and facial expressions, which would make him really uncomfortable.
Without communicating properly, assertively and in the moment, I have had several less-than-ideal group sex experiences.
That being said, each and every one has taught me something about myself and what kind of support I need.
These experiences have also given me a chance to reflect on what I want and how I need to communicate it."

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Self Care Questionnaire

In follow up to my post on self-compassion, I wanted to post this self care questionnaire. Filling it out may help you see in what areas you could take care of yourself better.

My areas of improvement include:
-Getting enough sleep
-Taking mini vacations/day trips
-Taking time away from my phone
-Engaging my intelligence through attending cultural events that are new for me
-Re-read favorite books and re-watch favorite movies
-Express my outrage in social action
-Play with children
-Spending more time meditating, praying, singing, and reading inspirational literature

Getting more sleep has been a goal of mine for a long time. My counselor this past week actually gave me some concrete advice and suggested I try to get an extra 30-60 minutes at least one night this week. It has yet to happen, but I set an intention this morning that I would get more sleep tonight. So, I am off to bed soon!

Yay self care!

Recent Tools for Self-Growth

Here are some tools and toys that have been especially inspiring to me in the past week :)

The Enneagram: I just love this thing. J took the quiz in college and had to write a paper on his personality type and also had the opportunity to discuss my type in relation to his. It was enlightening then, and even more enlightening for me now. For example, my type (Type 2) goes toward Type 4 during integration and growth, becoming more independent and creative. That process typifies my whole past year since being out of school, being back in counseling, stripping, figuring more out about myself, and engaging in things that I want to do. Cool! I have loved having other friends and family take the test so we can talk about our similarities and differences, too, and how our types work with and (sometimes) against one another.

Feel the Fear... and Then Do It Anyway: I recently started this book. I can't remember who recommended it to me, and when, but it has been on my "to read" list for a long time. I absolutely love it so far!! Her basic premise is that all fears, whether they are about finding a job or making new friends or intimacy or death, is about the idea that "I can't (or won't be able) to handle it." So, her suggestions and techniques are about boosting your positive self talk, confidence, self esteem, thoughts, and behaviors so you know you can handle whatever it is. I have found it pretty helpful as a framework for applying to open relationship challenges. What might I be afraid of? That J will leave me? That he will love someone else? That he will enjoy amazing, mind-blowing sex with someone else? Using Jeffers' framework, I would say that my basic fear with all of these things is that I don't think I can handle any of these things if they were to happen. Thinking about fears this way allows me to say to myself- No, I most certainly can handle that! I'm not going to die, I will keep on living, I'll keep on loving. I'm not done with the book yet, but so far, it's been eye-opening and an easy read.

Continued chakra meditation and practice: I allow these meditations to enter my consciousness several times throughout the day. I breathe in calm and universal energy, and allow my out-breaths to take away any gross, murky, yucky energy that has accumulated in my body. I concentrate on embodying the characteristics of each chakra. I always feel at least a little more relaxed and peaceful afterwards.

Ben-wa balls (I have the Lelo Luna beads): I have been wanting some ben-wa balls for a long, long time. Finally spent the money on them! They have been super fun to play with and leave in during exercise and housework. While I mistakenly bought the classic size (Lelo makes the mini size for women under 30 or for those who have never gone through childbirth), but they seem to fit fine and are not noticeable to me at all once they are in. Yay for working out my pelvic floor! :)

Really utilizing the depth and breadth of my social support network: I am so grateful for my amazing partners, my close-knit group of open friends (and especially for my open women friends), the responsive and insightful open community on the interwebs (poly forum, reddit, etc), my super supportive vanilla friends, and my super supportive family members. I have to publicly thank all of these awesome people from time to time for how much love, openness, and support you bring to my life. Thank you :)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

American Savage

I've already mentioned my love and appreciation for Dan Savage's newest book, American Savage, in this post of mine about Pride month and this one about cheating and ethics. I finished it this evening, and really enjoyed it.

From his essays on coming out and monogamy and cheating to those on the Affordable Care Act and gun violence, I think he put many of my own liberal sentiments on paper (which was quite gratifying to read). Although sometimes he is rant-y, he is generally rant-y and I expected to read some rant-iness.

His epilogue describes his experience getting married in Washington after same-sex marriage was approved by the voters this past November. It about made me cry:
"One hundred and forty-four other couples married at Seattle city hall on that rainy Sunday in early December. Five pop-up wedding chapels had been erected in the lobby of the building, and everywhere you looked you saw couples that had been together five, ten, twenty, even forty years exchanging vows in front of family members and friends. It was impossible to be at city hall that day and not be moved.

But for me the most moving moment came after our ceremony. A huge crowd had gathered on the steps outside city hall. All day long a brass band at the bottom of the steps played wedding marches. The names of each newly married couple were announced to the crowd as they exited the building. Each time the crowd burst into applause and cheers, throwing rice and flower petals. People shouted, 'Congratulations!'

And almost all of the well-wishers gathered outside city hall on that glorious gray Sunday were straight people." (p279)
While I haven't read his other books so can't compare his previous writing with this one, I do know that it was worth my time to read, contemplate, and talk about with other people in my life. Thanks for the book, Dan! And thanks for signing it :)

Self Compassion

In the midst of making mistakes and apologizing and forgiving, I thought I would post some resources on learning about and practicing self compassion.

Here is a questionnaire on self compassion. I found it pretty helpful for reflecting on my internal dialogue when I have made a mistake or feel like a "failure." I think my results from both times I have taken the survey show I should try to not isolate myself when I have made a mistake; everyone makes mistakes. It's not an excuse for them, but a simple fact of life. Another area I could make a big improvement on is trying to not over-identify with any pain or suffering I may be experiencing. Trying to simply observe and notice negative feelings and letting them go has always been difficult for me, but I also think it is an area that if I could improve upon, I could make the most difference in feeling more self-compassionate.

This is my favorite exercise (ie, most interesting and engaging) on the same website for practicing self compassion (although perhaps the most difficult, at least for me):


The criticizer, the criticized, and the compassionate observer

This exercise is modeled on the two-chair dialogue studied by Gestalt therapist Leslie Greenberg. In this exercise, clients sit in different chairs to help get in touch with different, often conflicting parts of their selves, experiencing how each aspect feels in the present moment.

To begin, put out three empty chairs, preferably in a triangular arrangement. Next, think about an issue that often troubles you, and that often elicits harsh self-criticism. Designate one chair as the voice of your inner self-critic, one chair as the voice of the part of you that feels judged and criticized, and one chair as the voice of a wise, compassionate observer. You are going to be role-playing all three parts of yourself - you, you, and you. It may feel a bit silly at first, but you may be surprised at what comes out once you really start letting your feelings flow freely.

1) Think about your “issue,” and then sit in the chair of the self-critic. As you take your seat, express out loud what the self-critical part of you is thinking and feeling. For example “I hate that fact that you’re such a whimp and aren’t self-assertive.” Notice the words and tone of voice the self-critical part of you uses, and also how it is feeling. Worried, angry, self-righteous, exasperated? Note what your body posture is like. Strong, rigid, upright? What emotions are coming up for you right now?

2) Take the chair of the criticized aspect of yourself. Try to get in touch with how you feel being criticized in this manner. Then verbalize how you feel, responding directly to your inner critic. For example, “I feel so hurt by you” or “I feel so unsupported.” Just speak whatever comes into your mind. Again, notice the tone of your voice? Is it sad, discouraged, childlike, scared, helpless? What is your body posture like? Are you slumped, downward facing, frowning?

3) Conduct a dialogue between these two parts of yourself for a while, switching back and forth between the chair of the criticizer and the criticized. Really try to experience each aspect of yourself so each knows how the other feels. Allow each to fully express its views and be heard.

4) Now occupy the chair of the compassionate observer. Call upon your deepest wisdom, the wells of your caring concern, and address both the critic and the criticized. What does your compassionate self say to the critic, what insight does it have? For example, “You sound very much like your mother” or, “I see that you’re really scared, and you’re trying to help me so I don’t mess up.” What does your compassionate self say to the criticized part of yourself? For example, “It must be incredibly difficult to hear such harsh judgment day after day. I see that you’re really hurting” or “All you want is to be accepted for who you are.” Try to relax, letting your heart soften and open. What words of compassion naturally spring forth? What is the tone of your voice? Tender, gentle, warm? What is your body posture like - balanced, centered, relaxed?

5) After the dialogue finishes (stop whenever it feels right), reflect upon what just happened. Do you have any new insights into how you treat yourself, where your patterns come from, new ways of thinking about the situation that are more productive and supportive? As you think about what you have learned, set your intention to relate to yourself in a kinder, healthier way in the future. A truce can be called in your inner war. Peace is possible. Your old habits of self-criticism don’t need to rule you forever. What you need to do is listen to the voice that’s already there, even if a bit hidden - your wise, compassionate self. 


One way of intentionally showing myself compassion that has worked for me in the past is engaging in actionable self-care practices. For me, these things include taking epsom salt bubble baths, talking with friends and seeing them regularly, spending quality time with my partners, exercising, meditating, reading a book, blogging, and making and eating good food. 

Another thing that I think is really important (but I think one of the most difficult) is attempting to change the internal dialogue from "You don't deserve compassion. You really messed up and need to feel really guilty and ashamed of yourself forever" to "You made a mistake. You apologized. Move forward." The exercise sheet from the self compassion website describes engaging in this process as:


Changing your critical self-talk

This exercise should be done over several weeks, and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone (like me) who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently.

1) The first step towards changing the way to treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. It may be that – like many of us - your self-critical voice is so common for you that you don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you actually use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of any one in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreo’s, does your inner voice say something like “you’re so disgusting,” “you make me sick,” and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself.

2) Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, and to point out ways that I need to improve, but your harsh criticism and judgment is not helping at all. Please stop being so critical, you are causing me unnecessary pain.”

3) Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy.) For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no one’s looking). Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your bio-chemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.


Following that line of thought, the next exercise also seems equally helpful:


Self-compassion journal

Try keeping a daily self-compassion journal for one week (or longer if you like.) Journaling is an effective way to express emotions, and has been found to enhance both mental and physical well-being. At some point during the evening when you have a few quiet moments, review the day’s events. In your journal, write down anything that you felt bad about, anything you judged yourself for, or any difficult experience that caused you pain. (For instance, perhaps you got angry at a waitress at lunch because she took forever to bring the check. You made a rude comment and stormed off without leaving a tip. Afterwards, you felt ashamed and embarrassed.) For each event, use mindfulness, a sense of common humanity, and kindness to process the event in a self-compassionate way.

Mindfulness. This will mainly involve bring awareness to the painful emotions that arose due to your self-judgment or difficult circumstances. Write about how you felt: sad, ashamed, frightened, stressed, and so on. As you write, try to be accepting and non-judgmental of your experience, not belittling it nor making it overly dramatic. (For example, “I was frustrated because she was being so slow. I got angry, over-reacted, and felt foolish afterwards.”)

Common Humanity. Write down the ways in which your experience was connected to the larger human experience. This might include acknowledging that being human means being imperfect, and that all people have these sorts of painful experiences. (“Everyone over-reacts sometimes, it’s only human.”) You might also want to think about the various causes and conditions underlying the painful event. (“My frustration was exacerbated by the fact that I was late for my doctor’s appointment across town and there was a lot of traffic that day. If the circumstances had been different my reaction probably would have been different.”)

Self-Kindness. Write yourself some kind, understanding, words of comfort. Let yourself know that you care about yourself, adopting a gentle, reassuring tone. (It’s okay. You messed up but it wasn’t the end of the world. I understand how frustrated you were and you just lost it. Maybe you can try being extra patient and generous to any wait-staff this week…”)

Practicing the three components of self-compassion with this writing exercise will help organize your thoughts and emotions, while helping to encode them in your memory. If you keep a journal regularly, your self-compassion practice will become even stronger and translate more easily into daily life. 


That's all I've got for now. :) Peace and compassion to everyone!

Sunday, June 23, 2013

#Threesome #Advanced

Just sayin'. We're pros.

[Spoiler Alert!!] Simultaneous orgasms. With three people. Hot!

Also, it was the Summer Solstice- which is why we planned a hot threesome in the first place. What better way to celebrate summer than with a pagan, super witchy sex ritual??

And!!! It was Happy 3 Months to M and I! So that was super special! So much to celebrate.

M and I started the evening with hanging out and some quickies (yes, the blinds in our bedroom were open; my favorite). M and J needed to study (my life supporting two super busy students) and I worked out. We freshened up and hung out a little more (after M and I successfully maneuvered our first real miscommunication, apology, and forgiveness process- yay for healthy relationships!), and then M and I went up to New Seasons to get picnic-y foods for dinner. We enjoyed meat and cheese and veggie chips and wine, and then the three of us went out for delicious dessert. We talked about our families and other relationships and the Enneagram (love that thing). By the time we got back it was after 12am. 

M had requested threesome porn, so we quickly put that on for background. I was (surprisingly) the last one to get naked this time; I liked mixing it up! (Ha). I remember so much skin, so much oral sex, feeling so much love and connection to these two wonderful people. Two of us spoiling the third and then switching around, daisy chain-ing, sometimes a third just watching the other two. 

The end was just glorious. I was laying on my back. M was straddling me. We were making out. J started fucking M, and there isn't much else that comes as close for me as watching J with another women. I kept coming and coming, with my finger, and then nothing, touching my clit. I got to kiss M and rub her breasts, and I got squeeze J's sexy legs. I could feel the energy pulsating, almost in a straight line, connecting all of us together. I could feel it. I was about to come so hard. And then, surprising I think all of us, we all came at the same time. So so so hot. Magical.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to be honest with J, cuddly with both M and J, and emotionally intimate with M. All of that completely wrapped up a beautiful evening. (And then about 30 minutes later, J was ready for round 2, so we took care of that!)

I have a blog post for DA in the pipeline (already written, just hasn't been published yet) about positive threesome experiences. This one takes the cake over all of those I previously wrote about.

Factors that made it sizzle:
Love. Compersion. Honesty. Emotional intimacy. Porn. Realizing Fantasies. A simultaneous orgasm with three people (have I mentioned that already?)

#Threesome #Advanced

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Chakras & Applications

I recently read David Pond's Chakras for Beginners (thanks M!), and loved it. Specifically, I loved the new metaphor (new to me) for thinking about my intentionality, energy, and manifestations of thoughts into behaviors.

I have, since last summer, focused on rebuilding my power- speaking up for what I need, articulating what I believe, and working on putting those thoughts and ideas into action. I often use a visualization exercise where I imagine my center and core turning gold and growing larger and larger. Little did I know (consciously; I am sure chakra-like messages and images have seeped into my sub-conscious throughout my life) that the third chakra is located in your abdomen, associated with the color yellow, and is the one associated with power.

Reading about the ideas behind the other chakras was enlightening. Here is my (super) basic recap:

Root chakra: associated with security, base of tailbone, red
Second chakra: associated with pursuit of pleasure, groin, orange
Third chakra: associated with power, core, yellow
Fourth chakra: associated with love, heart, green and pink
Fifth chakra: associated with creativity and speaking up, throat, sky blue
Sixth chakra: associated with intuition, third eye, indigo
Seventh chakra: associated with spirituality, crown of head, violet and white

My favorite part of this book were the meditations and visualization exercises included at the end. They basically guide you to imagine white, cosmic energy running through your body, activating each chakra. You breathe in the pure, white energy, and let out any toxic, muddy energy from each chakra. You focus on what each chakra means and concentrate on gaining balance in each chakra. All of the meditations have allowed me to feel more centered, grounded, energized, and ready to work on whatever is in front of me in the moment.

The main thread throughout the book (balancing your energy), was helpful for me in reflecting on where in my life I could put more of my self-growth work. It was also helpful to consider how if any of the lower chakras are unbalanced, all of those above it will be out of whack, too (and the unbalanced lower chakra will manifest in issues in the chakras above it. For example, [according to Pond] if you feel insecure in your root chakra, like you can't secure your physical environment, it is likely you will feel jealous [a manifestation of imbalance] when engaging in your pursuits of pleasure. Interesting for me to consider. I have been trying to really focus the past week on simply feeling secure in myself physically, financially, emotionally. Like an entirely whole person who has her shit together and isn't going anywhere. Like no matter what else is happening around me, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. Like no matter who I am partnered to or where I am living or what I am working on, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. I like the feeling this focus gives me.). And, I really liked the idea that the first three chakras are about the ego, while the top three are about the interdependent and cosmic nature of life. Both of these energies converge in the heart. It has been surprisingly helpful to focus my energy on my heart chakra when I think I might be experiencing jealousy- I recognize the negative emotion, how it is associated with my ego feeling insecure/threatened/etc, and move my attention to a higher point in my body (my heart; when I feel negative emotions I tend to focus all of my energy on how it physically feels, and those emotions tend to manifest in my stomach and abdomen. Moving my attention to my chest and heart is really refreshing) and focus on feeling compassionate and universal love. I have been truly surprised with how much more open-hearted I feel from this exercise. Since finishing the book, I have been using a visualization exercise for areas that need special attention right now- my root chakra and my heart chakra. I think the focus and meditation I gave to each helped me get through a rough few days (maybe why I didn't feel a sense of impending doom when J and I were in conflict?). This week also gave me great opportunity to focus on mobilizing my throat chakra (speaking my mind, coming up with creative solutions to challenges).

Great read, loved it, plan on reading more on chakras! :)

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Importance of Words

The past three days have been super intense. I am so thankful to have a social support system. (Thank you sexy friends, M, and J!)

This was the first time (in a long time; I can't even remember the last time) where J and I had some serious conflict, and I didn't feel like or think that we were breaking up. I don't know if this is from a lot of the intentional meditations and visualizations I have been doing (more on that to come; I have a review of the Chakras book M loaned me in the works), or what exactly. But it was such a lighter load to carry the past couple days, because I didn't also feel a simultaneous sense of pressure or doom associated with our conflict. I knew we were going to work it out and that it didn't mark the beginning of an end. It was just a conflict. So, yay!

I have a few more "light bulb" moments I want to share:

-The word "lovemaking" was/is a serious trigger for J due to some family messaging about what it meant and the values associated with it. For him, "lovemaking" encapsulates all sexual behaviors and activities that one does with a very intimate, long-term partner. Most of those same activities can be done with a less intimate partner, but then it is not "lovemaking." I have tended to think of "lovemaking" as a particular sexual behavior (more akin to tantric sex). Being able to dig down to the words we were using to get at the meaning was amazingly helpful in working through our conflict. I now understand that all of the sex that J and I have is "lovemaking" to him. Which is incredibly helpful for me in reframing my own perception of what lovemaking is and whether we do and how often. I still desire the tantric-one-on-one-sensual sex with him. But I am starting to build a bridge in my brain between our different viewpoints on it.

-What I have traditionally considered as "lovemaking" (tantric, super-present, purely one-on-one sex) is so intimate to me, that I am not comfortable having it with anyone but a pretty intimate partner (from a solid dating partner to a long-term extremely intimate partner). Kinky, rough, D/S kind of sex comes naturally to me within a casual or intimate sexual encounter; it just depends on the partner and context. J, on the other hand, uses more sensual sex as a way to build intimacy; he does not have kinky, rough, D/S kind of sex with anyone that he is not deeply intimate and comfortable with. Understanding this about one another also helped us move through our conflict.

-When I tried describing my desire for tantric-like sex using the phrase "vanilla sex," this also didn't work very well. Why? Because to J, "vanilla sex" sounds boring, missionary, square. I agree with him. Why did I use it then? Because I was trying to relate a concept that has been difficult for a long time to communicate. I was grasping for something that he could understand. I have since settled on "tantric-like sex." Not quite succinct enough for me, but it more accurately conveys what I mean than "vanilla sex" (and I don't want to use the word "lovemaking" since it is a trigger for J and for J, "lovemaking" encompasses everything we do together sexually).

-Biggest connection from counseling this week: my desire for this one-on-one-tantric-like sex is activated by the deep belief system that I cannot be loved unconditionally. When I have wanted tantric-like sex and J doesn't, I feel deeply rejected and pained, which is not the more neutral response I have to other instances when I suggest a sexual activity and J isn't feeling it. This told me it was about something much deeper: I have felt like I was being rejected, and that I couldn't be loved unconditionally without any exciting "add-ons" to our sex. Now that I have connected those dots, communicated them to J, and know he understands all of that, I have already begun taking away the power from that belief system. It's cracking, slowly.

-I don't remember specific times J and I have sex (unless there is something extra-dyadic about it; then I usually remember). This has meant that I don't remember the purely one-on-one, tantric-like sex we do have. I am starting a sex gratitude journal today. That way, I can have evidence of the variety, love, and deep intimacy present in all of the sex J and I have. 

Thanks for reading my vent :)

"No wonder- I hate the word 'lovemaking,' you ask for 'lovemaking,' and it all goes bad!"

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment."
~Eckhart Tolle - A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Recent Recommended Reading

How Important Is It To Date Your Intellectual Equal?
Something that J finds particularly intriguing- why is it that intellectual compatibility is not mentioned in so many of the relationship books that we have read? We talk about sexual compatibility, comfort levels, values, etc but rarely or never about the ability to engage mentally with our partner(s) about the topics that stimulate us. Maybe it goes without saying, maybe some people don't really value an intellectual match, or maybe it's something else.

10 Reasons Sluts Make Better Friends
Loved this article. I think all of the points are true. It's unfortunate that slut-shaming is part of our cultural paradigm and therefore enters research as an assumption.

Is Forced Fatherhood Fair?
Another great one. There should be more reproductive health and family planning options for men; they are half of the baby-making process.

Primary/Secondary Model, Couple Privilege, etc.

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!


I love being part of the newly formed Open group on FB- it's really refreshing to read other people's perspectives and opinions on poly/open related stuff.

One thing in particular that sparked my interest recently is the idea of couple privilege, and also how the primary/secondary model leaves a lot to be desired (for some).

Here are the articles offered by several friends in the group that sparked such great conversation:

Care and Feeding of Polyamorous Secondary Relationships 

Couple privilege: your thoughts?

Five Things Your Secondary Wants You To Know

I think I could probably think for days and days about all of this, and I think my ideas around it all will be constantly evolving. But some of my ideas today/right now include:


For me, the primary/secondary model that J and I ascribe to is out of a recognition that relationships take a lot of time, energy, nurturing, investment, etc. Neither of us knows if we have enough of all of that to build and maintain more than one primary relationship. A primary relationship for us, too, is about long-term planning: financial entanglements, buying property, tax benefits, taking out loans, whether we wants children together, etc. It's also about the values that we share that allow us to enter long-term planning (what do we want to spend our money on, how do we want to live day-to-day, what will we prioritize with our time and energy, etc). It is difficult, but not impossible at all, for me to imagine adding a third person into that complex mix. Really, the primary/secondary model seems to be a way of describing our relationship right now; we are both open to the possibility of having another primary if that is what happens.


And yet, it has at times dictated coursed of action with other people (so it has entered the prescriptive mode as well), during which times for me, it did act as a buffer for insecurities that I was having. However, I don't think this is necessarily a "bad" thing, because I don't think other partners of ours have been treated as expendable. I think for the most part, other partners of ours have also operated from a perspective that they are, too, maintaining a primary relationship and understand the complexities of maintaining a healthy and happy primary relationship while building a new secondary relationship. So when insecurities flare up, there has been understanding and compassion all around.


I don't think there is anything wrong with being clear with one's capacity for building and maintaining relationships. I know a few monogamous people who sincerely don't want to have an open relationship because they just don't have the drive, time, energy, etc to build and maintain more than one intimate, romantic relationship. Why is it so different when a poly person is honest about their capacity to build and maintain multiple intimate relationships? Right now, I am with a primary partner and a secondary partner. I do not feel like I have the energy to devote to another partner- I would be lying if I said I did. And if I met someone that I really liked, I would have to be honest with myself and them about my limited ability to nurture an intimate relationship with them. If I wasn't honest, I would do disservice to both of us, as well as to my other partners.


I loved the "five things" blog post, because it allowed me to reflect on how I feel as a secondary partner to other people and to enter into my feelings of compassion for those in my life who have been a secondary partner to either me or J. I think it can be a tricky, but still wholly satisfying and loving, relationship to build.


Couple privilege is both fascinating and boring to me at the same time. Fascinating in that privilege is a hard thing to confront when you are the one experiencing privilege. Boring in that it's so obvious. When I read the blog post on couple privilege I noticed a visceral reaction in my body; my stomach tightened up and I felt attacked. So is the reaction to hearing for the first time about a privilege you have. I don't want to be in an oblivious dominant position. So it can be hard to swallow the first time. My personal solution to this, for now: recognize the privilege I have in being in a long-term coupled relationship, advocate for relationship diversity, educate those who I can about relationship diversity, and maintain equal decision-making within my primary partnership and allow room for our relationship boundaries to change depending on changing needs/desires/wants.


Thanks sexy friends for a stimulating discussion!

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Sexual Fluidity

My next DA post went live!! Love this one- it's about my adventures from straighty-straight land to the land of the queers :D Haha.

"My First Time with a Woman"

Here's the first part:
"My personal journey around my sexual orientation has been kind of breathtaking, especially as I look back on it.
When J. and I opened up our relationship more than two years ago, I identified as straight.

I had grown up in an LGBTQ affirming religious community and was part of my Gay-Straight Alliance in high school.

I definitely identified as an ally to the LGBTQ community, but I never saw myself exploring sex with anyone other than a cisgender man."
Another thing I would add to my post is something that I finally realized and was talking to M about the other night- that I was continually fascinated by the idea of tits growing up. I wanted to see and touch friends' breasts. I wanted to really, really bad. I can't believe my desires didn't enter my consciousness until J and I opened up.

How fitting this post went live on the day of our Pride Parade!! :D Which was also so lovely. Brunch and parade-watching with some of my favorite people in the world=one happy, happy girl.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Pitfall? Again

It's not very often when J reads my posts, and says to me: "I didn't get it. What were you trying to say?"

So... I am going to try to re-write my main point from my last post. 

I was trying to say this:

That the endless possibilities for open relationship structures may allow two or more people to continue trying to mesh ultimately incompatible needs/desires/wants, and allow unnecessary pain to continue. These same people, within a monogamous relationship, may see their differences sooner and move on after chalking up the end to their relationship to simply that- differences in needs/desires/wants.

That was the "pitfall" I was trying to discuss.

Does that make more sense? Ha, maybe not.

I am, again, reminded of this quote off of my amazing poster from Franklin Veaux:

"It is possible for two people to deeply, profoundly love each other but not be good life partners."

And this one:

"Relationships END; it doesn't mean they were a failure, or that your ex-partners are bad people."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Pitfall of Open Relationships?

Talking with my GF, M, I think I have, with her help, begun to articulate a common, or easy enough, pitfall within the open relationship paradigm. (I am super rambly right now; sorry!)

How do you know when you should keep working with your partner on challenging things? When do you simply say: we are just two very different people, and our differences are not compatible?

It seems like open relationships could allow two (or more) people, who might find themselves incompatible within the confines of a monogamous relationship pretty quickly, to spend an agonizing amount of time trying to mesh their ever-widening differences.

I know J and I have gone through conversations (and by conversations, I mean super-high-charged-crying-despondent-argument-like conversations) when we have been in a super low time (mostly last summer; thank goodness we moved through that) that center around this idea. Do we want the same things? Do we have enough in common that we can compromise around the differences?

I think it can become even more confusing when one or more people have an "ideal" relationship structure in mind, but aren't emotionally there yet. Working through personal stuff can take such a long time, and is probably never done (although hopefully gets easier). So then you are continuously living in a "less-than-ideal" relationship which feels stressful and yucky.

So, I think a potentially good solution to this is to begin re-framing your relationship. Given your present factors, does your relationship feel comfortable and happy and satisfying? How does your partner feel? Are any differences or challenges within your relationship worth a short-term struggle? (It is my personal belief that chronic challenges often create chronic stress, which will take its toll on everyone involved, and is not sustainable.) Relationships will always change; they are dynamic creatures, given the dynamic individuals involved. So even if you once held an "ideal" in your mind, stay present within your relationship and work with what you have. Your factors will change effortlessly, and you will be given the opportunities to work through things as you are ready for them. And as long as you are moving operating with happiness and love in mind, even when needing to work through icky stuff (because you will sometimes), your relationship will serve you and your partner(s). And if there comes a time when you simply can't bridge differences, I think it can be helpful (although probably easier said than done) to allow your relationship to simply transition into a form that allows everyone to live in peace and happiness, even if it causes short-term sadness. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Rough Sex & Non-Consent

I am discovering more and more that I like rough sex. For me, this means:

Holding my neck/throat
Slapping my face
Spanking my ass
Pulling my hair
Calling me derogatory names
Telling me what to do
Being pushed, pulled, shoved into different positions
Being restrained
Being blindfolded

...within a safe environment, with a partner I trust, with a safe word established, with consent.

I had a dream last night, after J and I had a somewhat rough sex session (I finished by laying on my stomach holding my Hitachi to my clit while he held my head under a pillow, after some other D/S, rough things had happened). In my dream, some recurring characters popped up- a few guys from high school that I had crushes on, who never gave me the time of day. I have had a number of erotic dreams with them in it, and my dreams invariably turn into some kind of gang bang. Except this time, I walked into a room where one of these guys stood, and he shut the door forcefully, grabbed my ponytail and was about to shove my head down on the floor, and, I could just feel it, rape me. For some reason, though, I was able to stop it all from happening (I haven't been able to lucid dream much, but this was definitely it!). I spun around and said something nasty before fleeing the scene. I remember telling myself- this was my dream, and even though I enjoyed rough sex, I did not enjoy nonconsensual sex and I did not want to be raped in my dream.

Fantasies of rape and non-consent are so fascinating to me- it's about letting go of my power in a moment, but not about being forced to do something against my will. It's about exchanging my power and control with my partner, about communicating clearly about what I want, and about trusting that my desires are healthy to experience within a safe environment.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Confession: I'm Not Smooth

I have a confession to make:

I. Am. Not. Smooth.

At dating. Or asking people out. Or picking up on vanilla dating social cues.

Exhibit A:

I asked a girl out, who works at our gym, (this was like a year and a half ago) by writing her a note about how I thought she was cute and included my phone number

Self-compassion: it was my very first time asking a girl out. Very first time. It makes sense that my dating sense would revert to how my brain worked at 13: passing love notes. Cute, right? But also embarrassing at age 23.

Exhibit B:

Guy at gym keeps hitting on me. I talk to him, end up telling him about our open relationship. He takes it as an invitation. It wasn't.

Self-compassion: He was a poor receiver of communication, even though I could have done a better job of telling him that I wasn't interested in dating him.

Exhibit C:

Nice guy at grocery store says he'd love to hang out. I don't pick up on any hint of being hit on. I give him my number because I can't think of how to say no nicely. He wanted to "hang out" hang out. I feel dumb.

Self-compassion: I was just trying to be nice. Good karma, right?

Exhibits D-? :

How many first dates have I been on where I don't even know what the fuck to say? All I feel like doing is hiding under a rock. My face flushes, my mouth dries out, my hands get clammy, my thoughts race. What to say, what to say, what to say? Bonus points: I've even been told that I am awkward on a first date! (Teasing you M!! ... although you did tell me that. Evidence for my case.)

Self-compassion: Does anyone like first dates? (Actually, I am pretty sure I know some people who do... fuck)

I wanted to share this video, but I guess the embed code wasn't working, so here's the link:

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Cheating, Dan Savage, & My Evolving Ethics

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!


Still reading Dan Savage's newest book, and his second essay "It's Never Okay to Cheat (Except When It Is)" continues my conversation with myself about breaking boundaries and cheating.

Basically, Savage thinks that if, within a long term relationship, one or both partners only cheat once or twice or three times, those individuals are good at monogamy, not bad at it. He sees cheating as not a bug, but as a feature- humans can be socially monogamous, but not sexually monogamous. He supports cheating in certain instances (usually for individuals in truly satisfying and healthy and happy long-term relationships who are lacking something in the sexual department- a kink, activity, variety, etc.).

My favorite passage from this chapter:

"So what's the solution for sexless marriages that are worth saving? Or for good, solid marriages that have lasted decades and only suffered one or two dalliances? Not wide-open relatonships, not polyamory for the monogamously inclined, or even for the monogamishly inclined. Not swingers' conventions, not fucking in the streets. Perhaps a little license, a little latitude. An understanding that two people can't be all things to each other sexually for all of their adult lives. An understanding that life is long and circumstances change and some things- love, devotion, loyalty- are more important than sex, and that lifelong, perfectly executed sexual exclusivity is not the only measure of love, devotion, and loyalty. And an understanding that making a small accommodation within marriage- or a series of small accommodations- is easier than living in a marriage that has been poisoned by resentment. An understanding that real, imperfect relationships are more important than romantic, idealized, and ultimately impractical notions about lifelong fidelity" (p38).

I think the issue, though, is that most people don't think about their monogamous relationships and do have an idealized notion about lifelong fidelity, and definitely do not want to give latitude to a couple of dalliances. If it was common knowledge, or was socially accepted, that humans are sexually nonmonogamous, and people expected dalliances to occur over a life-long relationship, then cheating wouldn't be the trauma that it often is for people. It wouldn't carry the weight that cheating has. Actually, I think maybe before marriage became an institution of romantic love, when it was still an institution of family and finances, maybe it didn't have the weight it does now; women expected their husbands to be promiscuous, and didn't let it interfere with the marriage because that's not what the marriage was about (even if it hurt still). Now that marriage is about romantic love, and romantic love is equated with sexual exclusivity, cheating can be a massive, deep trauma. 

I think cheating (boundary breaking) in open relationships can be quite traumatic, too, for the very reason that open relationships are supposed to be honest and open. For someone in a relationship built on transparent communication and clear boundaries to then experience cheating I think may be more traumatic than to have cheating occur in a relationship where boundaries and communication are more opaque and built on assumptions.

In any case, I still don't know what to think about cheating. I do know this: I don't ever want to cheat, and I don't ever want to be cheated on. I don't want to be in a position where I have cut off communication with my partner so that cheating behavior is facilitated (I've seen a lot of people in relationships where they stop talking and then cheating happens because people start acting like free agents when they are still supposed to be accountable to a partner). And because I have been in positions before where I have helped someone break their own boundaries, I have felt how crappy it is to be the third person in a cheating triangle. I don't want to be in that position again.

Then again, I do see what Savage means about otherwise happy, healthy and satisfying long-term relationships in which one partner simply needs more or different sexually (more sex or a different kind of sex), and has tried other things first (couples counseling, communicating with the partner, etc.) before getting their needs met elsewhere. Maybe it is the best thing for that relationship if the one sexually unsatisfied partner satisfies those needs with dalliances. I also think mistakes happen and people are not perfect.

Then again, what is honesty if not people being honest with one another? I would detest being in a relationship where honesty wasn't authentic and real, but a veiled form of honesty, where there are "just some things" we don't talk about.

Also- doesn't the cheating partner take away agency from their partner by not being honest with them about their real desires and needs? Shouldn't the other partner get a chance to advocate for what they want- which may be a preference for serial monogamy, or a kind of open relationship with different kinds of boundaries?

I do agree with Savage that long-term relationships are about more than just sex- they are about love and devotion, and often they are about kids and jobs and insurance and finances and families. If relationships fail over sex, despite all of the other positive aspects of them and ways in which people are interdependent- I think that's pretty crappy. The dissonance that I experience when I read Savage's chapter on cheating I think comes from the fact that I agree- sex shouldn't hold this much weight. Sexual dalliances shouldn't be the source of so much trauma in our society. But I don't think our cultural view of cheating as trauma will change if people aren't first honest about their sexual needs, desires, and preferences. If people take it upon themselves to simply cheat without being honest with themselves and their partners, nothing will change.

What do you think??

Naked Bike Ride

J and I finally popped our naked bike ride cherries last night. YAY! I had been dying to do it since we found out about it two years ago. 

It was truly exhilarating for me. We were about to cross a bridge into downtown and I said, "I'm doing it. I'm getting naked right now." I stripped off everything like I was at Little Beach (in about 5 seconds), and immediately just started beaming to everyone. I don't know what it is; I love being naked. It feels so freeing. I feel totally alive. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush from breaking norms, from being naked when I'm not supposed to be. But I loved it.

My funniest experience was when J and I were standing around with our sexy friends, in this massive crowd of thousands of naked people with bikes, was to look around and say to J, "I don't even see the naked anymore." 

That's my ideal world: where you don't even have to point out body-positivity and sex-positivity because it is the norm. Being in a crowd of ten thousand naked people made me feel nakedness is normal and natural; I stopped seeing naked, and just noticed bodies and happy faces. I want that feeling for sexuality in general: I want to feel my body is beautiful always, that I can talk about sex if I want to, that it's okay to talk about my sexual orientation and my relationship structure, about stripping and sex, about my sex preferences and desires and fantasies- I want to have that all be so normal that it's not weird to talk about, and that sometimes it's even so boring I don't care about talking about it. I want it to be an experience like food: it's a part of my daily existence that is important and necessary and assumed, but also in that I can talk about a delicious meal I made or about when I accidentally cooked something too long. 

Yay naked people. Yay naked bike ride. Yay sexy friends who made it so much fun and comfortable and satisfying. Yay!

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Surveying My Open Community

I decided to take advantage of a recently formed Facebook group for our open community that I am a part of to finally do something that I have long wanted to: survey my community about their experiences, joys, and struggles within their own relationships and post their answers here. I see it as another way of building our community, shedding light on open relationships, empowering people to speak up about both the positive and negative parts of transitioning your love and relationship paradigm from monogamy to something else/different/more, finding similarities with one another, sharing strategies for working through the yucky stuff, and building our conceptions of open relationship models and frameworks. This survey only hits on some aspects of open relationships; I didn't ask about coming out to friends or family, or about how other identities intersect with the experience of being in an open relationship (such as sexual orientation, gender expression, kinks, fetishes, age, class, religion, etc.). Ideally, I would have asked somewhere closer to 50 questions, but I knew no one would want to do that, and I also was interested in some broader concepts (thus the questions on biggest ah-ha moments, struggles, and joys).

I am also keeping everyone's responses anonymous. This is a (relatively) anonymous blog, and I wanted people to feel safe in expressing their experiences, lessons, and feelings. Thank you to everyone who was willing to share with me and my readers! I will post one survey per blog post :) Here is the first one. Enjoy!

Where did you start in your open journey and where are you now? (Interpret and answer however you like!) 
For me, this question is a little difficult to answer. I was introduced to the idea of [an] "open relationship" in March of 2012 but knowing nothing of it, held deep and, regrettably, harsh feeling towards the idea and to my partner. The idea was then dropped, or so I thought. I was thrashed violently into it again in July when I found out my partner was emotionally involved with his ex who was "poly". They wanted me to be understanding of their feelings and made decisions for me which made me feel like a child. It was done behind my back and in a way that made me resent not only the parties involved, but also the idea of openness. After the initial shock wore off and I ran out of chocolate and ice cream to ease my suffering, I finally thought to myself, "how hard could it be? How hard is it to let my partner be honest and forthcoming to me about being attracted to others but at the same time still want to be with me?" I decided then and there that this was something I could work through and get to understand better. Since then my partner and I have been open and loving where it's taking us. We both have changed our ideas about it drastically since March and are still learning and finding out new things about ourselves we didn't even know exists. Though it is unknown terrain, we like it that way. 

What are your motivations and reasons for having an open/poly/ethically nonmonogamous relationship? 
Since my father's infidelity, I knew that monogamy didn't exist in my life. I knew that it wasn't for me, but because of how I was raised and what I thought I had to abide to, I just gave in and tried finding "the one." I just didn't have the information or the knowledge to know there was something else out there. I've always dated multiple people at the same time with them knowing I was, but didn't find out until recent[ly] that I was already practicing a form of openness. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I actually started using terms and meeting people of this community. My motivation is simple; I want to meet like-minded individuals who share the same ideals that my partner and I do and have fun while loving, living, and exploring life. Love is all you need! 

If you had to label your relationship (swinger, poly, ethically nonmonogamous, open, etc), what would you choose and why? 
I'm still trying to figure out all the lingo used in this community! My partner and I have changed our ideas and thoughts about our relationship dramatically since we started. We initially started seeing individuals, then tried meeting couples online, then back to individuals, then just us, then couples. It's never ending, but I wouldn't change anything. Sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to see how your mind, body, and soul might react. I wouldn't [have] found out how much I liked actually viewing my partner with another woman if I didn't put myself in the situation. So long story short, if I had to pick a title to fit us, I would say ethical swingers; we love seeing and being with other loving couples, but want more from the relationship than just pure sex. 

Do you currently have a partner or partners? What do the boundaries in your relationships look like? 
I have a boyfriend and as of right now we are just focusing on building our relationship but do have a couple that we enjoy seeing and playing with from time to time. When we are with them we are always checking in with each other to make sure the comfort level is still at level with the fun. 

How do you practice safer sex? 
I am on the pill and when we're with others we use a condom. 

How do you define love? 
I have to quote Shakespeare because it is by far the best definition of love that I have heard and connected with. "Love- it will not betray, dismay, or enslave you. It will set you free." 

How you define jealousy? What do you do when you feel jealous? What are some ways you manage jealousy? 
Jealousy is a nagging itch that I can't reach at times. Especially when I'm being extra hard on myself. No matter how hard I twist and turn, how far back I reach my hands, or even try to ignore it, it wouldn't disappear. It wasn't until I realized there are tools I can put into effect to rid myself of this itch. I consulted with open friends, I talked through my struggle with my partner, I bought books to enlighten myself that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. You sometimes just need someone to itch that stratch for you. Surrounding myself with loving friends and tools to aid me in my compersion journey has been the best medicine. 

What has been one of your biggest "ah-ha" moments since being open?
The biggest moment for me was when I actually opened up and met people of the open community. The only experience I had with an open relationship was the one I experienced that unfortunately happened behind my back with two people making all the decisions for me. I had negative thoughts on it for a long time until I finally reached out to a young women I only knew from her blog. I was miserable and lost, not knowing if this was something I could do, or if I could, where to turn to for advice or even vent to. I reached out with hesitation and emailed her, not knowing what kind of response I'd get. I'm so happy that I did, because ever since that first email I have finally begun to see the positives of being open. Because of her, I learned that there are in fact very loving, warm, enriching, and very good looking open people in this city that not only want to make my partner feel loved, but to make sure I feel comfortable and loved, as well. She made me have my first "ah-ha" moment by letting me know that I never have to feel alone in this community and I love her for that. Thank you. 

What has been one of your biggest struggles since being open? 
My biggest struggle is getting over the initial shock of hearing and sometimes viewing [my] partner's attraction to another woman. It has gotten better since the beginning, but sometimes it stings for a bit. I am better at communicating my feelings to my partner and have worked on compersion methods to further help rid myself of jealousy. 

What has been one of your biggest joys since being open?
My biggest joy thus far is meeting all the wonderful people of the community. I also would have to say that since being open, my partner and I have experienced how much being open has brought us closer together. Seeing my partner happy and loving others has given me a better understanding of him and his needs. It's a joy that I don't think I could [have] seen if we weren't open. It's as if a whole new door has opened in our world that we are able to go through and discover together. That's the best part- exploring love together as an open couple.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

In Honor of Pride Month

I have been loving Dan Savage's new book, American Savage. Not done with it just yet, but I will be soon!

In honor of Pride Month, and in honor of supportive and loving family, friends, and allies everywhere, one of many favorite passages from Dan Savage's new book:

"Thanks to Father Tom and my mother's own moral sense, the same moral sense that prompted her to trust her own judgment about contraception, my mother came around on the my-son-is-gay issue pretty fast. And she came out swinging. A rainbow bumper sticker on her car, a PFLAG membership card in her purse, and an ultimatum delivered to the entire extended family: I was still her son; and anyone who had a problem with me had a much bigger problem with her" (p11).

I have loved a lot of this book so far- there are essays on coming out as gay, monogamy and cheating (I have a post on that coming up), the straight pride parade (Halloween), sex education, on choosing to be gay, how his GGG mantra keeps marriages and families together, and more. But for some reason that quote from the very beginning has stuck with me the most. I think it is because I have been aggravated deeply about my mom's conflicted support of my sister's relationship with her first girlfriend. My mom is concerned about her extended family's comfort level in seeing my sister and her girlfriend at my wedding. WTF.

Why is my mom's concern not about my sister's comfort level in being around a bunch of bigots??

This may not be resolved for me until I talk to my mom about it. Because my sister, who I love deeply and unconditionally, is bringing her girlfriend to our party this summer, and I want them to dance together and kiss each other just as she might with a boyfriend. I want them to feel comfortable and happy and loved. Just like I plan to.  

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Dirty Talk

My next post went live on DA: "How to Talk Dirty in Bed" I like this one a lot :D

It's not a how-to article at all; it's about my own exposure to dirty talk and the evolution of dirty talk within my primary relationship.

Here's a snippet:

"We fantasize together a lot.

We engage in a lot of fantasy dirty talk about past experiences, experiences planned for the future or true fantasies (they most likely will never happen).
I guess it is helpful that we have similar fantasies and can share them in this way.
Often our fantasies are about me with other men. It turns us both on to insane levels to whisper about me getting men off in various ways and places.
We also fantasize about threesomes with other women and about foursomes with other couples.
We incorporate things that really turn me on, like being tied up, being submissive to men, being dominant to women, being an exhibitionist or having sex in a public place.

It’s true our brain is our biggest sex organ.

Given enough mental stimulation, we both can almost reach orgasm without much physical stimulation.
What I have discovered is: mental stimulation + relaxation + body awareness and being present = a surefire way to have explosively delicious sex.


Do you talk dirty during sex, or do you let your partner do all the talking? What are you comfortable verbalizing and what do you keep quiet about? I’d love to hear any experiences you’ve had when talking dirty."

Yay, dirty talk!! And a big, big shout out to our sexy friends, K & J, for being the source of inspiration for this post. I love you both :D And K's filthy, filthy mouth.