The Family Christmas Card & More

Read this on SexualityReclaimed :)

***


This trip away from Portland to see family for the holidays has been largely fine, and some other periods of time have been “fine” in the AA acronym-sense of the word (fucked up, irrational, neurotic, and emotional).

Regular fine moments (from the quiet okayness of family time to the extremely fun and enjoyable) include:

-Doing puzzles with my sister, mom, and J

-Reading two books, and working on others

-Walking with J and our dog in the sunshine

-J and I going to the clothing-optional hot springs

-Seeing the looks of happiness and appreciation on my family’s faces when they saw the new TV J and I got them for Christmas.

-Going to Bend with J’s brother and sister-in-law, including both a wonderful walk with J and one by myself, and a ton of delicious food. Breakfast out is one of my favorite things of being alive.

-Getting a manicure and pedicure with my mom and sister

-Going for a nice hike with J’s family

-Going over to J’s grandma’s for french toast and bacon

-Playing a dance video game with J’s family

-Watching the sonogram of my sister-in-law’s baby

-Getting to visit with J’s ex-girlfriend/friend of ours for like 2 1/2 hours while in the hot tub

-Walking by myself to the coffee shop where I am now, by myself (much needed), drinking a peppermint hot chocolate. I finally feel like I am able to relax today.

AA-FINE-moments include:

-Seeing my mom’s Christmas card. Even though we took family pictures at Thanksgiving, including my sister’s girlfriend, my mom opted to use different pictures. It was extremely apparent to my sister and I that her girlfriend was absent. J thinks perhaps this wasn’t because my sister’s romantic partner is a woman, but because they haven’t been together “long enough” for my mom to warrant inclusion on the card. I don’t know. Whatever.

-Struggling with chronic body image crap (negative self-talk, obsessiveness over eating and exercise, lack of compassion and loving-kindness for myself).

-Finding out that, somehow, someone told J’s family that I was a stripper. They haven’t asked me directly about it , but somehow, they know. The gossiping drives me nuts.

-Having Christmas dinner with J’s extended family- conservative, Tea Party, highly religious. I kept myself entertained with a puzzle and lots of apple crisp. This worked for the most part.

-J’s sister going off on J about us “not working,” “having zero income,” while “some of us have to work to pay back student loans.” J got pretty frustrated and irritated. We almost left even sooner than we did (which was a day or two ahead of schedule).

-J’s mom flipping the fuck out because we visited with his ex/our current good friend. She spent the whole next day completely stressed out, her puffy eyes indicating to everyone out that she was miserable. But would she offer any information? Absolutely not. (This was the catalyst for us leaving sooner) The communication style within J’s family absolutely drives me insane sometimes. This was one of those times.

-Being with my family, and feeling the intensity of 3 pairs of eyes on my every move (my mom, sister, and dad). I don’t get it. Stop looking at me!! The over-protectiveness and incessant worrying has become easier for me to deal with in recent years, but was a lot harder for me to shake off today. Thus the trip to Starbucks in solitude.

It’s getting close to the end of the year, and the New Year has become increasingly meaningful to me. It’s a time to reflect on the year’s events, to think about growth and change. I tend to make “resolutions” and move toward change throughout the year as I think about it, but I appreciate the formal reminder.

I see in those AA-FINE-moments a lack of transparent and clear communication: a good reminder for me to continually push myself toward asserting my boundaries calmly and compassionately. While it is difficult when the content of the communication is about sensitive/taboo topics, it is more important to me to have honest relationships than to walk gingerly around family for fear of upsetting people.

Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? How do your families encourage you to change and grow?

Narrating Me

Another one! :)

One of my dear friends recently emailed me, commenting that it seemed like I tend to view stripping as a weakness of mine, as a liability, as something to hide and be ashamed of.

Maybe you should view it as a strength of yours, he recommended. See it as something that has empowered you and made you stronger and wiser.

Narrative therapy is my jam, I think. It’s all about identifying local and dominant discourses, identifying the influence of various identities and social locations on one’s life, and identifying sparkling events that don’t support one’s story, to help one create a new story.

So I am going to do my best to change my story around a little bit; I have felt and thought pieces of this here and there, but it has not been my dominant story:


Stripping has been yet one more chapter in my reclaiming sexuality story. Reclaiming female sexuality has been in the pipeline in my family for generations, for a long, long time. Each female figure in my family has reclaimed her sexuality in some way. Mine has included adventuring into conscientious relationship formation, finding my flexible and dynamic sexual orientation, discovering the wide array of my sexual desires, getting naked for money, and seeking educational opportunities that will help me advocate for other in their reclamation processes, not to mention, writing this blog. Stripping has just been one facet of my experience, and just one way I have rediscovered my power and sexuality. It will aid me in my career pursuits, as it gives me added understanding and compassion for stigmatized and marginalized populations, and another layer for understanding sexual experience.

This process of re-writing my stripping story is similar to some LGBTQ identity models (this is one, but older and perhaps a bit outdated, model). I feel like my re-writing is helping me get to some level of identity synthesis, in which I recognize stripping as one facet of my life and experience. It doesn’t define me, and definitely is not a weakness. It has added rich meaning to my life and deserves to be held up and looked at in the same light as other parts of my experience that I have historically been more proud.

Love this Picture

Pretty much sums me up. Ha!

Rough Patches in Our Open Relationship

My latest DA post went live: The Cons I've Experienced in My Open Relationship.

This one was tough for me to write at the time, and is still not my favorite to read. It's just kind of downer for me to reflect on some of the major difficulties I have had! Haha :) But I suppose it's also a great thing to see that I/we got through them.

Recognizing the Third in Monogamous Relationships

My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.

Here's my intro:

In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your communication transparent and striving to know and understand your partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.

I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:

Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched 

I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?

Letter to My Partner's Parents

Dear My Partner's Parents:

I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I am sorry that our coming out to you activated such a deep and intense network of past hurt, pain, betrayal, and deceit. My mom keeps telling me, "Hurt people hurt- they hurt themselves and they hurt others. They are in pain." It's not an excuse for your behavior, but it definitely provides context for what you are saying and how you are acting, and for managing my own negative reactions to your reaction.

This is what happens when people aren't able to reconcile their hurt, whether it's from when they were 1 year old or 2 or 5 or 10 or 17 or 20 or 25 or 32 or last week. And the reasons are numerous- you didn't have time, money, access to mental health services, support from family, messaging you needed to "suck it up," internal belief systems that you deserve hurt or dissatisfaction or that life is supposed to be hard, messaging that you have to stick it out in your marriage because of X, Y, or Z. Regardless, the consequences of a lifetime of hurt spill out and ripple out and touch those around you. Like a bandage being ripped off of a wound that never healed- the skin never healed, and the blood comes rushing. But no one can help you, because you lash out like a defensive creature, hurting everyone else around you, and ultimately, you are left with no one but yourself.

This is amazingly difficult for me. I am giving up my image of being part of your family and what that looks like and feels like. I am giving up the idea that I am a loved and supported member of your family. I am giving up the idea that you are two people in my support network. I am giving up the idea that our party in just a couple of weeks will be filled with people who love and support both of us and our relationship. Instead, I am doing my best to envision other possibilities: that I will now be misunderstood, blamed for all wrongdoing, blamed for not loving your son enough and for not being committed to him and for not seeing him as "enough" for me and for not being "enough" for him, demonized and othered as a freak and idiot. That I will no longer be part of your holiday traditions and other family get-togethers. That a few of our guests at our commitment ceremony and celebration will bring with them a cloud of negative, black energy- a swarm that sees our relationship as doomed to fail in tragic divorce.

Because I am in no place to communicate with you (you don't want to understand me, and I am not going to agree with you that I am wrong and bad), here are some things that I wish I could relay:

We chose the phrase "commitment ceremony" instead of "wedding" to describe our celebration because:

1. It signaled to ourselves and to those who knew about our relationship that we have a nontraditional relationship.

2. As a way to support the LGBTQ community, including my sister and other people in our lives in same-sex relationships. And myself, as I see myself as someone who could easily be in a long term relationship with a woman.

3. To mark another way we were departing from the patriarchal institution of traditional marriage (other ways we are doing that include: both getting engagement rings, proposing to each other, having a mixed gender wedding party, K is keeping her last name, K is not being "given away" by her dad)

However, we view "commitment ceremony" and "wedding" as interchangeable, for us, because:

-We are committed to each other

-We love each other

-We plan on being together indefinitely

-We plan on getting legally married

So, to us, we are having a wedding, a commitment ceremony, a celebration of love, a party. All of those things, to us, describe what we are doing in August.

We have heard from you that you can't understand how our values are "so different" than yours. We challenge that idea. Our values include:

Love is infinite: This is related to the idea of compassionate and universal love, but also gets applied for us in how we express and feel romantic love. We don't believe loving other people takes anything away from the love we feel for anyone else, including each other. All love is different, and can't be measured in quantity or hierarchy. Loving other people simply means to us that there is more love in the world and we both think that is a good thing.

Non-possessiveness and non-attachment: We don't think it is healthy to think that we control one another, or any other person for that matter. Possessiveness, jealousy, and control are all feelings that can arise for us, but we value striving for freedom and non-attachment in our relationship to one another, so that we can choose our individual behaviors and choices. This also gets down to a basic physical level that is ultimately political- we don't control what the other person does with his or her body. To do so comports with the systems of patriarchy and ownership over other people, neither of which we see as healthy. Non-attachment is also more of a Zen or Buddhist philosophy, in which we strive to be able to view situations, feelings, people, and relationships as dynamic and always changing. To be non-attached means to let things change as they will, with the flow of life. To try to control anything means fighting life.

Compassionate and nonviolent communication and negotiation: This is extremely important for us in our relationship, and is a key building block in how we have been able to have a healthy and happy relationship together. This communication style includes using "I" statements (not "you" judgments), speaking from personal experience, validating the other person's feelings, and rephrasing what you hear the other person say so they can be sure they are understood. There is no yelling, name-calling, or hostility. If emotions are running high, we take space in the ways that we need first: K might cry, journal, or talk to other people. J might need to go for a walk by himself. Once we are able to be more calm, we can discuss whatever it is going on.

Consent: This about having the choice to be in the relationship we are in. Neither of us ever consented to being in a monogamous relationship; it just happened. With our current relationship structure, however, we have both consciously agreed to it and the terms, boundaries, and ground rules.

Fidelity and commitment: Fidelity to us means honoring one's commitments and promises, whatever they may be. Lying and breaking promises or agreements are not okay, just as cheating in monogamous relationships is often not okay. 

Trust, honesty, and respect: It takes a tremendous amount of trust in ourselves and in each other to make a relationship like this work. It means trusting ourselves that we are capable of speaking up about what we need and want, and it means trusting each other to respect each other and each other's feelings. The level of honesty it takes to have a healthy open relationship is huge- we have to be brutally honest with ourselves when something is not working, and then also take a big step in telling each other what isn't working. We have to trust one another that being honest about something won't be the end of our relationship, but that we respect one another and our relationship enough to keep an open mind and heart so we can hear one another's honest feelings and experiences.

Self awareness and self growth: This also extremely important, in that we recognize that people and relationships are not static. We change every day, and should strive to become better communicators, more compassionate, more assertive, more independent, more patient, and whatever else needs working on. To that end, K has gone to counseling for the past year as a means to continue working on becoming more emotionally independent and more assertive. We don't see counseling as a failing of an individual or a relationship, but as a tool for investigating oneself and growing, to the benefit of the individual and the relationship.

We think these values can be incorporated into any kind of relationship, although the outcome can look differently depending on the structure, negotiations, and behaviors. Also, we don't view "monogamy" as a value, but as a structure, system, and norm- perhaps that is why you have been saying we have different values. If you do see monogamy as a value, then it is true we don't hold that value for ourselves.

 

I wish I could help you see that monogamy is a paradigm (define: 1. A typical example or pattern of something; a model.; 2. A worldview underlying the theories and methodology of a particular scientific subject.) and as such, is not The Truth. I wish I could help you understand that not "99% of therapists" would say that open relationship are "doomed to fail." I wish I could offer you books and articles that would describe the positives of open relationships, and that you were in a space to listen and receive. 

 

I wish you could be more self-aware, and see how your own stuff is dramatically coloring your perception of us and of me. I wish you wanted to be more self-aware and to grow as a person, instead of trying to shove your ideological crap down our throats.

I wish you could not only love your son, but love his partner still (like you did before all this, for the past 6 1/2 years), and support him (and us) in his choice of relationship.

I wish you could understand these ideas:

Relationships that are consciously CHOSEN are usually more rewarding than relationships built on default assumptions.

A partner who CHOOSES to be with you is more satisfying than a partner who can't leave.

Life is CHANGE.

Don't look to others to COMPLETE you.

Feelings are not FACT.

Treat those you love with RESPECT.

I wish you could simply see us as different people who have made different choices than you. 

But I need to stop wishing. I need to accept my reality, I need to accept my present moment.

And that includes two parents who I will now frame as disgruntled, closed-minded, conservative relatives. People who I would not have invited to our wedding if I didn't feel like I had to, people who I will create emotional distance with, people who I will feel less and less tied to. Just as we have other conservative relatives coming to our wedding that I have superficial relationships with (no politics, religion, values-based discussions, social justice issues, etc), I will come to peace with my relationship with both of you settling out at this place.

I am now affirming:

The joy and peace that fills my heart.

The compassion I feel for everyone I come into contact with, and those that I don't.

The universal love I feel for everyone that I come into contact with, and those that I don't.

That I am becoming more adaptable and flexible with the flow of life and with constant change, including change in my intimate and familial relationships.

I will always love you both. But I also love myself, and respect myself too much to allow myself to be part of a toxic relationship with you. 

As our good friend put it: The door is always open, and the house isn't changing.

You are welcome in when you can enter lovingly.

Love,

K

With Gratitude and Love

We sent the following message to many of the people in our lives that have supported us unconditionally since we opened up over two years ago. I wanted to be sure to post it here for those of you I didn't get in touch with personally, so that you know, too, that J and I deeply appreciate you.

We want to express the deepest gratitude to everyone in our life who has shown us support and love in the past two years since we opened our relationship.

J ended up telling his mom last week that we have an open relationship. Long story short, we now know what it's like to have a negative coming out experience. The silver lining of the experience is receiving the reminder that we have so many other supportive and loving people in our lives.

We have been blessed with many open-minded and loving people in our life, and we feel lucky to have a community of friends and family that truly support us in our journeys of independence, interdependence, love, happiness, and health. Thank you from the deepest places in our hearts for being part of our intentional family and for giving us the space to be who we are. We love you all so much and appreciate each and every one of you for the value that you add to our lives.

Finally, we want to acknowledge and appreciate all of you for taking time out of your lives to come to X in a few weeks (and of course acknowledge and appreciate those of you who cannot come to X for our party for whatever reason; we love and appreciate you all, too!). We are so excited to celebrate the relationship we have built over the past 7 years and plan on continuing indefinitely with the continued love and support and help all of you have already provided so much of. Thank you to all of you for making us a priority in your lives - we certainly would not have made it to this point without you.

We Love You! And can't wait to party in August!!
K&J

Soothing Words for Today

If you're AFRAID to say it, that means you NEED to say it.
Love is ABUNDANT.
Relationships that are consciously CHOSEN are usually more rewarding than relationships built on default assumptions.
Real security comes from WITHIN.
When you hurt someone - and you will - suck it up, take responsibility, and do what you can to make it RIGHT.
Treat those you love with RESPECT.
You can't be GENEROUS or COMPASSIONATE when you fear loss.
Compassion is most NECESSARY when it's most DIFFICULT.
Don't vilify those who hurt you; they are people, too.
The world is as it IS, not as we want it to be.
Life rewards people who move in the direction of GREATEST COURAGE.

~All from Franlin Veaux's awesome Principles for Good Relationships poster

Today included one of the most difficult interpersonal situations I have ever been in. Ever.

J and I had a video chat with his parents today. It was not a conversation, but them expressing how angry and hurt and upset and sad and disappointed they are that 1) we didn't tell them about our relationship two years ago, and 2) we will "never know the true intimacy" of being with just one person. They think because we are open, we can't be truly committed to one another, and thus our commitment ceremony is a lie to everyone we invited. They compared us to pedophiles and zoophiles. They told me the email I sent was heartless, sterile, and unfeeling. They implied that I was coerced into being in an open relationship, told me that I am unhappy, and also accused me of not being loving or committed to J.

The place where I finally was struck deepest was when I realized that this was the heart of the issue I have been working on in counseling: to be seen and heard, to be independent, to articulate my needs and desires and to command attention and listening. I voiced my opinions, my apologies, my love, my desires and needs, and received almost zero respect or love in return. It felt really awful. I feel extremely closed off from his parents at this point, and really unsure of any kind of positive relationship with them returning.

I don't know where this will all go from here. Our ceremony is three weeks away, and I do know that I want a happy, positive, loving, and supportive group of people around me when J and I have our public pronouncement of our love and commitment to one another. I don't want people there who don't support our relationship or see it as "doomed to fail" as his parents do.

Keeping my lavender candle lit for aromatherapy, and my focus on my heart and center.

#Threesome #Advanced

Just sayin'. We're pros.

[Spoiler Alert!!] Simultaneous orgasms. With three people. Hot!

Also, it was the Summer Solstice- which is why we planned a hot threesome in the first place. What better way to celebrate summer than with a pagan, super witchy sex ritual??

And!!! It was Happy 3 Months to M and I! So that was super special! So much to celebrate.

M and I started the evening with hanging out and some quickies (yes, the blinds in our bedroom were open; my favorite). M and J needed to study (my life supporting two super busy students) and I worked out. We freshened up and hung out a little more (after M and I successfully maneuvered our first real miscommunication, apology, and forgiveness process- yay for healthy relationships!), and then M and I went up to New Seasons to get picnic-y foods for dinner. We enjoyed meat and cheese and veggie chips and wine, and then the three of us went out for delicious dessert. We talked about our families and other relationships and the Enneagram (love that thing). By the time we got back it was after 12am. 

M had requested threesome porn, so we quickly put that on for background. I was (surprisingly) the last one to get naked this time; I liked mixing it up! (Ha). I remember so much skin, so much oral sex, feeling so much love and connection to these two wonderful people. Two of us spoiling the third and then switching around, daisy chain-ing, sometimes a third just watching the other two. 

The end was just glorious. I was laying on my back. M was straddling me. We were making out. J started fucking M, and there isn't much else that comes as close for me as watching J with another women. I kept coming and coming, with my finger, and then nothing, touching my clit. I got to kiss M and rub her breasts, and I got squeeze J's sexy legs. I could feel the energy pulsating, almost in a straight line, connecting all of us together. I could feel it. I was about to come so hard. And then, surprising I think all of us, we all came at the same time. So so so hot. Magical.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to be honest with J, cuddly with both M and J, and emotionally intimate with M. All of that completely wrapped up a beautiful evening. (And then about 30 minutes later, J was ready for round 2, so we took care of that!)

I have a blog post for DA in the pipeline (already written, just hasn't been published yet) about positive threesome experiences. This one takes the cake over all of those I previously wrote about.

Factors that made it sizzle:
Love. Compersion. Honesty. Emotional intimacy. Porn. Realizing Fantasies. A simultaneous orgasm with three people (have I mentioned that already?)

#Threesome #Advanced

Chakras & Applications

I recently read David Pond's Chakras for Beginners (thanks M!), and loved it. Specifically, I loved the new metaphor (new to me) for thinking about my intentionality, energy, and manifestations of thoughts into behaviors.

I have, since last summer, focused on rebuilding my power- speaking up for what I need, articulating what I believe, and working on putting those thoughts and ideas into action. I often use a visualization exercise where I imagine my center and core turning gold and growing larger and larger. Little did I know (consciously; I am sure chakra-like messages and images have seeped into my sub-conscious throughout my life) that the third chakra is located in your abdomen, associated with the color yellow, and is the one associated with power.

Reading about the ideas behind the other chakras was enlightening. Here is my (super) basic recap:

Root chakra: associated with security, base of tailbone, red
Second chakra: associated with pursuit of pleasure, groin, orange
Third chakra: associated with power, core, yellow
Fourth chakra: associated with love, heart, green and pink
Fifth chakra: associated with creativity and speaking up, throat, sky blue
Sixth chakra: associated with intuition, third eye, indigo
Seventh chakra: associated with spirituality, crown of head, violet and white

My favorite part of this book were the meditations and visualization exercises included at the end. They basically guide you to imagine white, cosmic energy running through your body, activating each chakra. You breathe in the pure, white energy, and let out any toxic, muddy energy from each chakra. You focus on what each chakra means and concentrate on gaining balance in each chakra. All of the meditations have allowed me to feel more centered, grounded, energized, and ready to work on whatever is in front of me in the moment.

The main thread throughout the book (balancing your energy), was helpful for me in reflecting on where in my life I could put more of my self-growth work. It was also helpful to consider how if any of the lower chakras are unbalanced, all of those above it will be out of whack, too (and the unbalanced lower chakra will manifest in issues in the chakras above it. For example, [according to Pond] if you feel insecure in your root chakra, like you can't secure your physical environment, it is likely you will feel jealous [a manifestation of imbalance] when engaging in your pursuits of pleasure. Interesting for me to consider. I have been trying to really focus the past week on simply feeling secure in myself physically, financially, emotionally. Like an entirely whole person who has her shit together and isn't going anywhere. Like no matter what else is happening around me, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. Like no matter who I am partnered to or where I am living or what I am working on, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. I like the feeling this focus gives me.). And, I really liked the idea that the first three chakras are about the ego, while the top three are about the interdependent and cosmic nature of life. Both of these energies converge in the heart. It has been surprisingly helpful to focus my energy on my heart chakra when I think I might be experiencing jealousy- I recognize the negative emotion, how it is associated with my ego feeling insecure/threatened/etc, and move my attention to a higher point in my body (my heart; when I feel negative emotions I tend to focus all of my energy on how it physically feels, and those emotions tend to manifest in my stomach and abdomen. Moving my attention to my chest and heart is really refreshing) and focus on feeling compassionate and universal love. I have been truly surprised with how much more open-hearted I feel from this exercise. Since finishing the book, I have been using a visualization exercise for areas that need special attention right now- my root chakra and my heart chakra. I think the focus and meditation I gave to each helped me get through a rough few days (maybe why I didn't feel a sense of impending doom when J and I were in conflict?). This week also gave me great opportunity to focus on mobilizing my throat chakra (speaking my mind, coming up with creative solutions to challenges).

Great read, loved it, plan on reading more on chakras! :)

Confession: I'm Not Smooth

I have a confession to make:

I. Am. Not. Smooth.

At dating. Or asking people out. Or picking up on vanilla dating social cues.

Exhibit A:

I asked a girl out, who works at our gym, (this was like a year and a half ago) by writing her a note about how I thought she was cute and included my phone number. 

Self-compassion: it was my very first time asking a girl out. Very first time. It makes sense that my dating sense would revert to how my brain worked at 13: passing love notes. Cute, right? But also embarrassing at age 23.

Exhibit B:

Guy at gym keeps hitting on me. I talk to him, end up telling him about our open relationship. He takes it as an invitation. It wasn't.

Self-compassion: He was a poor receiver of communication, even though I could have done a better job of telling him that I wasn't interested in dating him.

Exhibit C:

Nice guy at grocery store says he'd love to hang out. I don't pick up on any hint of being hit on. I give him my number because I can't think of how to say no nicely. He wanted to "hang out" hang out. I feel dumb.

Self-compassion: I was just trying to be nice. Good karma, right?

Exhibits D-? :

How many first dates have I been on where I don't even know what the fuck to say? All I feel like doing is hiding under a rock. My face flushes, my mouth dries out, my hands get clammy, my thoughts race. What to say, what to say, what to say? Bonus points: I've even been told that I am awkward on a first date! (Teasing you M!! ... although you did tell me that. Evidence for my case.)

Self-compassion: Does anyone like first dates? (Actually, I am pretty sure I know some people who do... fuck)

I wanted to share this video, but I guess the embed code wasn't working, so here's the link:



http://youtu.be/__e03Z6366k

Surveying My Open Community

I decided to take advantage of a recently formed Facebook group for our open community that I am a part of to finally do something that I have long wanted to: survey my community about their experiences, joys, and struggles within their own relationships and post their answers here. I see it as another way of building our community, shedding light on open relationships, empowering people to speak up about both the positive and negative parts of transitioning your love and relationship paradigm from monogamy to something else/different/more, finding similarities with one another, sharing strategies for working through the yucky stuff, and building our conceptions of open relationship models and frameworks. This survey only hits on some aspects of open relationships; I didn't ask about coming out to friends or family, or about how other identities intersect with the experience of being in an open relationship (such as sexual orientation, gender expression, kinks, fetishes, age, class, religion, etc.). Ideally, I would have asked somewhere closer to 50 questions, but I knew no one would want to do that, and I also was interested in some broader concepts (thus the questions on biggest ah-ha moments, struggles, and joys).

I am also keeping everyone's responses anonymous. This is a (relatively) anonymous blog, and I wanted people to feel safe in expressing their experiences, lessons, and feelings. Thank you to everyone who was willing to share with me and my readers! I will post one survey per blog post :) Here is the first one. Enjoy!

Where did you start in your open journey and where are you now? (Interpret and answer however you like!) 

For me, this question is a little difficult to answer. I was introduced to the idea of [an] "open relationship" in March of 2012 but knowing nothing of it, held deep and, regrettably, harsh feeling towards the idea and to my partner. The idea was then dropped, or so I thought. I was thrashed violently into it again in July when I found out my partner was emotionally involved with his ex who was "poly". They wanted me to be understanding of their feelings and made decisions for me which made me feel like a child. It was done behind my back and in a way that made me resent not only the parties involved, but also the idea of openness. After the initial shock wore off and I ran out of chocolate and ice cream to ease my suffering, I finally thought to myself, "how hard could it be? How hard is it to let my partner be honest and forthcoming to me about being attracted to others but at the same time still want to be with me?" I decided then and there that this was something I could work through and get to understand better. Since then my partner and I have been open and loving where it's taking us. We both have changed our ideas about it drastically since March and are still learning and finding out new things about ourselves we didn't even know exists. Though it is unknown terrain, we like it that way. 

What are your motivations and reasons for having an open/poly/ethically nonmonogamous relationship? 

Since my father's infidelity, I knew that monogamy didn't exist in my life. I knew that it wasn't for me, but because of how I was raised and what I thought I had to abide to, I just gave in and tried finding "the one." I just didn't have the information or the knowledge to know there was something else out there. I've always dated multiple people at the same time with them knowing I was, but didn't find out until recent[ly] that I was already practicing a form of openness. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I actually started using terms and meeting people of this community. My motivation is simple; I want to meet like-minded individuals who share the same ideals that my partner and I do and have fun while loving, living, and exploring life. Love is all you need! 

If you had to label your relationship (swinger, poly, ethically nonmonogamous, open, etc), what would you choose and why? 

I'm still trying to figure out all the lingo used in this community! My partner and I have changed our ideas and thoughts about our relationship dramatically since we started. We initially started seeing individuals, then tried meeting couples online, then back to individuals, then just us, then couples. It's never ending, but I wouldn't change anything. Sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to see how your mind, body, and soul might react. I wouldn't [have] found out how much I liked actually viewing my partner with another woman if I didn't put myself in the situation. So long story short, if I had to pick a title to fit us, I would say ethical swingers; we love seeing and being with other loving couples, but want more from the relationship than just pure sex. 

Do you currently have a partner or partners? What do the boundaries in your relationships look like? 

I have a boyfriend and as of right now we are just focusing on building our relationship but do have a couple that we enjoy seeing and playing with from time to time. When we are with them we are always checking in with each other to make sure the comfort level is still at level with the fun. 

How do you practice safer sex? 

I am on the pill and when we're with others we use a condom. 

How do you define love? 

I have to quote Shakespeare because it is by far the best definition of love that I have heard and connected with. "Love- it will not betray, dismay, or enslave you. It will set you free." 

How you define jealousy? What do you do when you feel jealous? What are some ways you manage jealousy? 

Jealousy is a nagging itch that I can't reach at times. Especially when I'm being extra hard on myself. No matter how hard I twist and turn, how far back I reach my hands, or even try to ignore it, it wouldn't disappear. It wasn't until I realized there are tools I can put into effect to rid myself of this itch. I consulted with open friends, I talked through my struggle with my partner, I bought books to enlighten myself that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. You sometimes just need someone to itch that stratch for you. Surrounding myself with loving friends and tools to aid me in my compersion journey has been the best medicine. 

What has been one of your biggest "ah-ha" moments since being open?

The biggest moment for me was when I actually opened up and met people of the open community. The only experience I had with an open relationship was the one I experienced that unfortunately happened behind my back with two people making all the decisions for me. I had negative thoughts on it for a long time until I finally reached out to a young women I only knew from her blog. I was miserable and lost, not knowing if this was something I could do, or if I could, where to turn to for advice or even vent to. I reached out with hesitation and emailed her, not knowing what kind of response I'd get. I'm so happy that I did, because ever since that first email I have finally begun to see the positives of being open. Because of her, I learned that there are in fact very loving, warm, enriching, and very good looking open people in this city that not only want to make my partner feel loved, but to make sure I feel comfortable and loved, as well. She made me have my first "ah-ha" moment by letting me know that I never have to feel alone in this community and I love her for that. Thank you. 

What has been one of your biggest struggles since being open? 

My biggest struggle is getting over the initial shock of hearing and sometimes viewing [my] partner's attraction to another woman. It has gotten better since the beginning, but sometimes it stings for a bit. I am better at communicating my feelings to my partner and have worked on compersion methods to further help rid myself of jealousy. 

What has been one of your biggest joys since being open?

My biggest joy thus far is meeting all the wonderful people of the community. I also would have to say that since being open, my partner and I have experienced how much being open has brought us closer together. Seeing my partner happy and loving others has given me a better understanding of him and his needs. It's a joy that I don't think I could [have] seen if we weren't open. It's as if a whole new door has opened in our world that we are able to go through and discover together. That's the best part- exploring love together as an open couple.

Working through Challenges v. Incompatibility

I was talking with a customer at work the other day, and surprise surprise, it comes up that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex and he have tried working with open/poly relationship structures and principles before.

After talking a little about their history (extreme jealousy on her end, preoccupation with school on his, possible cheating and boundary breaking on her end, unwillingness to have rules work both way on her end, etc.; and granted, I heard more about her indiscretions than his), his question for me essentially came down to this:

How do you know whether you and your partner can work through sticking points, or whether perhaps you are simply incompatible and should find a partner with whom you agree more on relationship issues?

When sitting with him, I was just as stumped as him. I really didn't know what to say.

After talking with J and sitting with it a bit more, I think I have some coherent feedback.

How compatible do you feel with your partner in other ways? How worth it does it feel to work through challenges? For instance, J and I are compatible 95% of the time, so working through our sticking points is worth it to both of us. And, we consider each other to be life partners (another indication that we both feel a high compatibility with one another). 

How important is your relationship structure to you? Is it extremely important that you have the option of sleeping with other people or dating other people? Or, are extra-dyadic sex and romantic relationships just the icing on your cake- can you take it or leave it? Knowing this may help you figure out where you can easily compromise and where you can't. If a specific relationship structure is highly important to you, and your partner has a very different idea and different needs, then you may simply be incompatible.

He also mentioned that his somewhat-of-an-ex was more focused on extra-dyadic sex, while he was desirous of other romantic and emotional relationships via the dating experience (sex was not the focus for him, or as important). He wondered aloud to me, are these differences indicative that he and his partner are incompatible or could their desires coexist? I told him then, and I still think, that I certainly know people in long-term relationships in this very situation and I think it is quite possible to have them coexist. The important thing, I think, is for each partner to recognize that they simply have different desires and needs and to respect one another. I also told him that I think unique challenges arise from this situation if both people have a difficult time relating to one another because they don't understand each other's needs. I think it also presents a situation where insecurities and instances of feeling threatened are more likely to come up.

More than anything, it was very clear that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex don't talk. For one, he didn't even know if they were broken up or not, because they have broken up so many times he can never tell when they are together or not. He didn't know when she started sleeping with a past partner, because she wouldn't be clear about it, so he didn't even really know if she had explicitly broken a boundary of their previously monogamous relationship. They had different ideas of disclosure, but they hadn't figured that out together through talking (he wanted her to offer information about encounters and relationships and she thought that he should ask about anything he wanted to know; the result was that he felt like he was prying and she felt like he was suspicious of her). Talking is a positive thing; not talking creates problems and makes them fester. (Obvious, I know.)

Does anyone else have advice for my friend?

Repost: Rules & Expectations

I saw this post recently published on Journals of a Polyamorous Triad: "Poly 101: Rules and Expectations." I found his exercise and discussion pretty interesting and useful, so I wanted to re-post his questionnaire here:

"10 or 9 Absolutely Agree
8 or 7 Strongly Agree
6 or 5 Agree
4 or 3 Strongly Disagree
2 or 1 Absolutely Disagree 

Ready? Okay, answer honestly:

1. My partners should know where I am at all times, and, when to expect me home.

2. I am accountable to all of my partners for all of my sexual and romantic activities. They have a right and vested interest to know who, what, where, when, and why.

3. It is reasonable that all of my partners know my sexual risk factors. I encourage them to inquire about and suggest limits on my sexual activities.

4. Should I ask, it is unacceptable any of my partners to lie - or otherwise conceal any facts or details - about a date or romantic encounter. The same goes for me.

5. My partners can - at any time - request that I do not engage in specific sexual activities, and I will do my best to honor it.

6. My partners can - at any time - request that I do not date specific people or others, and I will do my best to honor it.

7. My partners can - at any time - request that more energy be paid to their dynamic with me, and I will do my best to honor it.

8. I am an adult. I am accountable for every decision I make. I will not allow any excuse (example: being drunk, horny, in a scene, got carried away, in NRE, in romantic love, etc.) to detract from taking responsibility for my actions at all times.

9. To the greatest extent possible, all of my partners deserve a say in my calendaring and scheduling.

10. I have obligations (family, financial, parental, spousal) that may at times take precedence over my romantic entanglements, and I will act upon them accordingly."

I really liked what he had to say later on about your score:

"The lower the score the more you likely value autonomy and freedom; the more likely you view rules as instruments of control and not as reasonable mutual expectation; the more likely you'll refuse outside accountability for your actions (expecting your partners to deal with their own emotional responses rather than considering how you contribute to those responses); the more likely you're to view broad descriptions "Ethical" in the same context as "Acceptable" or "Right", which isn't accurate but helps to justify your actions; the more likely you're to shift blame for relationship problems away from you and onto the back of somebody else; the more likely you're to make unilateral decisions as not to be confronted or told no.
The higher the score the more you likely value setting reasonable expectations; the more likely you view rules as tools for negotiating what you want; the more likely you accept outside accountability for your actions and promises; the more likely you're to consider the feelings of your partners when making independent decisions; the more likely you're to view contextual nuances of broad descriptions like "Ethical" (ie: it may have been ethical to provide advance notice on your intention to engage in a threesome, but, advance notice alone doesn't make it "right" if a partner asked you politely not to participate and you refused citing your "ethical and transparent" conduct as a license to do whatever you please); the more likely you're to make more consensus-based decisions with your partners, understanding and accepting that you may be confronted or told no."

J and I discussed the questionnaire, and J pointed out that the concept is very similar to Kathy Labriola's intimacy-autonomy scale that she discusses in her book Love in Abundance. I think he is right; I doubt someone would score high on one scale and low on another. I do think they are distinct, though, in that Kathy's scale is about intimacy within a relationship, whereas this questionnaire is getting at your willingness to accept external control on your behavior. Both definitely get touch on aspects of intimacy, disclosure, communication, autonomy, freedom, and control, but I think they do so in subtly different ways.

Unsurprisingly, my score on this questionnaire is between 70 and 80, and I put myself between a 7 and a 8 on Kathy's scale. J thinks he is similar, scoring somewhere between a 60 and 70 on this questionnaire and puts himself between a 6 and a 7 on Kathy's scale. Yet another helpful tool for talking about your relationship and figuring out how to negotiate boundaries that feel satisfying and good for you :)

Unrequited Love

These are two very different experiences for me:

Hey, I think you are really awesome and I'm attracted to you. Maybe we could pursue x, y, or z? Oh, you're not interested because of x, y, or z? That bums me out. It might hurt my feelings. I'll probably feel a little sad.

compared to

Wow, that is some insane attraction and desire and chemistry I feel with you. I look at you and I burn everywhere. I'd really love to spend time with you, date you, love on you emotionally and physically. Oh, you're not interested? I kind of feel, oh I don't know... devastated. 

So, yeah, I know that second experience is a little dramatic. But that's what unrequited love feels like, right?

I've had plenty of the first experiences in the past couple of years since J and I opened up. But that second experience? It's happened twice in the past year, both times with women that I absolutely fell for. What the hell? The last time I remember those feelings was from my insane high school crush. I crushed on this guy all four years practically, through my other relationships and my single times. He hardly ever noticed me. 

I think part of those feelings of devastation (for lack of a better word) come from a sense of the crush never being resolved. I never got a chance (or had the courage!) in high school to tell that guy "Hey, Wow, that is some insane attraction and desire and chemistry I feel with you. I look at you and I burn everywhere. I'd really love to spend time with you, date you, love on you emotionally and physically." Which means I never got the opportunity to hear from him "Oh, I'm not interested" (or maybe he actually would have been! Damn! And that's the whole point: it felt unresolved, and still does looking back on it.)

These two most recent heartbreaks of mine are also similar. The first time, I decided to tell the girl that I was totally crushing on her. Well, I was too late; she had recently started dating someone, with whom she felt long-term compatibility. And that was her excuse; she was never honest with me about whether or not she felt chemistry with me and whether or not she would have been interested in dating me had she been available. So that felt unresolved.

And the most recent: I was honest with my feelings. She told me she wasn't up for dating any one but that she felt good energy between us. We were friends. And then she starts dating someone. What? So confusing. (But leads me to draw my own conclusion: you weren't up for dating me; why couldn't you just tell me that?) THIS LEAVES ME FEELING COMPLETELY UNRESOLVED IN MY OWN FEELINGS.

And a bit love sick.

I haven't cried like that over someone I was into in that way in a long, long time.

Sure, I have cried about situation one experiences; when different people's expectations or desires for how a relationship functions don't match up, it can be quite frustrating and maddening and confusing and challenging.

But to have so much heart-tingly emotions bruised is different. And it hurts. So this is my mini pity party. 

I gorged tonight on peanut butter and dark chocolate chips (pity party tip #1: take a spoon. Dip in PB. Dip in chocolate chips. Eat, savor, relish. Repeat many times.) I am definitely feeling my sore and bruised feelings, and I am going to let myself just rock in it until it passes. I am hopeful that I will wake up tomorrow feeling better, and ready to keep my heart open to new people and relationships.

Tip to others:

Even though it can be excruciatingly difficult to be honest with others about your feelings, do your best anyway. If you don't feel chemistry, do your best to just say so. If you're not physically attracted, if you don't think you have a whole lot in common, if you are sexually incompatible, etc, etc. This has been a learning experience of my own, too, and I think it is difficult!! I think the best I can do is to be as honest as I know, and expect honesty in return.