I am discovering more and more that I like rough sex. For me, this means:
Holding my neck/throat
Slapping my face
Spanking my ass
Pulling my hair
Calling me derogatory names
Telling me what to do
Being pushed, pulled, shoved into different positions
...within a safe environment, with a partner I trust, with a safe word established, with consent.
I had a dream last night, after J and I had a somewhat rough sex session (I finished by laying on my stomach holding my Hitachi to my clit while he held my head under a pillow, after some other D/S, rough things had happened). In my dream, some recurring characters popped up- a few guys from high school that I had crushes on, who never gave me the time of day. I have had a number of erotic dreams with them in it, and my dreams invariably turn into some kind of gang bang. Except this time, I walked into a room where one of these guys stood, and he shut the door forcefully, grabbed my ponytail and was about to shove my head down on the floor, and, I could just feel it, rape me. For some reason, though, I was able to stop it all from happening (I haven't been able to lucid dream much, but this was definitely it!). I spun around and said something nasty before fleeing the scene. I remember telling myself- this was my dream, and even though I enjoyed rough sex, I did not enjoy nonconsensual sex and I did not want to be raped in my dream.
Fantasies of rape and non-consent are so fascinating to me- it's about letting go of my power in a moment, but not about being forced to do something against my will. It's about exchanging my power and control with my partner, about communicating clearly about what I want, and about trusting that my desires are healthy to experience within a safe environment.