Thursday, May 9, 2013

Hypocritical or Just Different Comfort Levels?

What happens when you and your partner have different comfort levels around activities? Right now, I am struggling a little with knowing that J is totally fine with me exploring another relationship, including spending nights and going away for a weekend. However, because I have a pretty good feeling that I would struggle with something in the reverse, I feel guilty enjoying the freedom that I have.

J asked me how I would feel if he wanted a relationship with a man, and wanted to spend nights or a weekend with this person. I said, “Great!” And I totally, sincerely, genuinely mean that. Everything that he has been so comfortable around (hanging out at home with me and my sweetie, letting me spend lots of time with her, staying in frequent contact with her, etc.), I would be as comfortable if J was dating a guy. It sounds fun, hot, and exciting, even if I wasn’t involved at all, except superficially. Thinking about J with another woman brings up very different emotions for me.

The reason why I don’t feel hypocritical is that I know how committed I am to self-growth, to providing space and flexibility to J, and to our relationship. Even though I have a good feeling I would struggle if J wanted to go away for a night or weekend with another romantic partner, I also know that I would ask for what I need so that I felt supported and as safe as possible. I also know that something like that wouldn’t happen spontaneously in a void: hopefully I would know J’s other partner to some degree, like them, trust them, and feel respected by them, and most likely, a weekend away would happen after some time (not after a week).

And J also said that if he didn’t like my sweetie, he probably wouldn’t be as supportive. I said, too, that if he felt threatened by the relationship he probably would have a hard time, and he agreed. So I think we are similar in those respects as well.

Right now, I am trying to process my feelings of guilt out of my system so that I can just enjoy a new relationship and person and experience. I should funnel those feelings into feelings of gratefulness toward J, and feelings of excitement into my new relationship.

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