Strip Down, Dance for Me

Stripping update:

I auditioned at one place, and loved it. Yep, loved it. Totally could do it a few times a week I think. Did not like the management at all, so I'm not going to work there. But I am so excited to find another club to experience this at.

J went with me to a store last week where I bought new shoes and a sexy outfit, and I can't wait to buy a few more sexy outfits. And then take them off. For a fee. Ha!

More updates to come!

Ecdysiast

A striptease performer.

An exotic dancer.

A striptease artist.

A performer that provides entertainment through skillful and erotic dance routines.

Soon, I may join the forces of all those who adhere to these definitions.

Why?

Because:

1. I love dancing naked.

2. I love feeling sexualized by others, sexual, and sensual.

3. I love being active.

4. I love putting on makeup and doing my hair and sexy lingerie.

5. I love being watched by others when I am naked. I would get to fully express my exhibitionist side.

6. I would love to put my pole dancing skills to use, practice, and continue to get better.

Also, the following also bolsters my convictions that stripping would be something fun for me to do:

1. Making some serious money.

2. Infusing my relationship with J with high octane sexual energy.

This is something that I almost didn't put on this blog... The slut-shaming that accompanies those in the adult entertainment industry is fascinating to me. (I also know this is one area of my life that I definitely plan on keeping from my parents because of the definite slut-shaming that would come out.) And I didn't want to to invite any concerns from people in our lives that I am making a big mistake. But I felt like this was an important topic for me to write about and post.

I ended up buying a book published this past year from a woman who stripped her way through college. It's not as good as I had hoped, but there are some good tidbits in there so far about tipping procedures, finding a good club, etc. One interesting quote so far: "All the money you make you trade for a little piece of yourself each and every minute you continue dancing." It's obviously a perspective unique to her experience. After reading the quote to J, he said, "Well, yeah! Any job you do you are giving up some of yourself and your life." I agree. If stripping feels like your only choice for making money, and you feel degraded and worn down for doing it, it probably does feel like you are giving up parts of yourself to do it. But I also think many jobs can have that effect if it feels like worthless, soul-sucking work.

I have posted on here before about the intersection between feminism and highly sexualized work, like porn or stripping. I feel like I have my eyes wide open thinking about the possibility of getting naked for strangers and taking home money for doing it. I won't really know until I try it, either. And it's quite possible that I will hate it and never want to do it again. And that would be fine with me; I would not regret gaining life experience and learning something about myself. There is also the distinct possibility that I will genuinely and totally enjoy the work, and love doing it for a while, while I feel a little lost with where I am going with my life. It would feel fantastic to earn and save some money while doing something that engages my body and sense of sexuality, and my people skills. I'll keep y'all updated with where this all goes :-)

BOOKS

I really need to read. I have so much to read. J has read so much this summer, and while I have tried my best to persuade him to post some reviews, he hasn't had much energy to. Sooo... I need to get in gear and catch up on these sexy books so I can post some reviews!


Here are the ones I promise to get to and post some ideas on:

The Monogamy Gap
Polyamory in the 21st Century
Not Under My Roof
Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex
Three in Love
The Prehistory of Sex
Gay, Straight, and the Reason Why 


Whew. I have a lot to do! :)

My Gang Bang / Goddess Worship Fantasy

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

***

Want to know part of my gangbang/goddess worship fantasy? Read on, read on:

J drops me off at the hotel, where he warms me up. He goes down on me, makes me squirt, but keeps me from orgasm. He leaves me to get all dolled up and to play with my vibrators and dildos, but I will not be allowed to orgasm yet. I wear some sexy lingerie and jewelry and heels. J goes out and meets a group of men (5-15) at a bar near the hotel, and makes sure everyone is still comfortable with the rest of the evening. When everyone is ready, he leads everyone back to our room, where he will first come in alone. He blindfolds me and puts my arms and legs in the bed restraints. He calls me a little gangbang slut and tells me know that there are a bunch of guys waiting to have their way with me. Soon after, he lets everyone in.

When everyone comes in, J fingers me and goes down on me so you can see how I squirt and orgasm. Then I want whoever is ready first to penetrate me and fuck me for a few minutes to warm my pussy up. Without cumming, he takes his cock out of my pussy so that J can fuck me until he comes. Then the first guy can resume fucking me and fuck me as hard and long as he wants until he comes. While this is going on, I want someone to put his cock in my mouth, and I want a cock in each of my hands. When my pussy is free, I want someone else to start using it. After a while, I want the restraints off so that I can use my arms and hands more freely. I want some men to hold my arms and legs down while someone fucks me. I want to be put into whatever positions suits my group. I love doggy style. I would love to be flipped from my back to my stomach and back again. I love spit roast- being fucked from behind while I go down on someone else. I want cock in my face the whole night. I want everyone to come as many times as everyone wants, and I want everyone walking away satisfied. I want to be spanked, my hair pulled, and to be called slut and whore. I want to use the restraints and to be held down. I want come on my ass, tits, face, stomach and legs. I crave being a cumslut. If I ever get tired, I want to simply lay on the bed while everyone uses my pussy. Then I want everyone to slowly leave so that J can pound me and use my pussy for a second or third or fourth time.

***

I fantasize about this so much. J and I have become "those people" that use Craigslist as a sex toy. We have posted several ads to create one of these events, and for some reason or another, they don't manifest (STI concerns, surgeries, family obligations, etc.). I really do hope that at some point in my life, I am able to experience my fantasy and live it out. Because I know. I know it will be super, super hot, hot, hot.

Jenny Block is Inspirational

"I WAS 17 WHEN my sexual education began.

'You are responsible for your own orgasm,' my boyfriend told me. He was the guy I lost my virginity to, the guy I had my first orgasm with, and the guy whose words would one day become my mantra: I am responsible for my own orgasm. I believe that literally and figuratively. In bed, I play an active role in getting what I want. But I also take charge of getting what I want throughout my sexual life. That's why, along with a husband I adore, I have lovers. My husband and I have an open marriage. I know it may sound decadent, or like a throwback to the 'free love' of the '60s. But really, for all the hype, 'open marriage' is just one of many ways to negotiate love and sex and marriage. We haven't been doing it that long, but it now seems so obvious. Like, 'Why on earth didn't we think of this before?'"

From Jenny Block, author of Open: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-block/portrait-of-an-open-marri_b_35026.html

Why do I love this quote? Because she so succinctly and clearly articulates a message of sexual and romantic liberation and empowerment. I think if everyone took to heart this message, we would all have more satisfying romantic, emotional, and sexual relationships. It is so, so important: you are responsible for your own "orgasm" (your own literal orgasms, and for your own sexual and romantic and emotional satisfaction in general). You also choose to be responsible or not. Do it.

Blowback

Coming out to my parents has not been wholly positive (which is something I expected, but dealing with the reality is still difficult).

Something I didn't expect is the fact that J feels unsupported by my parents, especially during the rough patch we have been navigating. Before they knew about our relationship, they would have been unconditionally supportive. Now, he feels like if they know that something is challenging or difficult for us, they will simply point their finger to our open relationship as the problem. I know what he means, and these feelings simply reinforce my continuing recognition and understanding that my parents aren't the people I should talk about my relationship troubles with. 

Also, comments like "you're just so young" have been patronizing and un-supportive things to hear (my mom never once told me I'm just "so young" when I told her J and I were engaged). My mom has also made comments intuiting that something may be physiologically wrong with our brains. What the hell?!

I know my mom loves us both, and I know she wants to be supportive. The lack of critical thinking on her part has left me a little dumbfounded, but I also am taking Dan Savage's approach: coddle her for a while, answer and respond to any questions/comments, and then after a while, leave it all behind. And if she isn't willing to accept us for who we are, that's her problem. I haven't mentioned my dad, because he has not made any comments, or asked me any questions. When we talk to each other, I feel like he is looking right at me and already accepts me for who I am and J for who he is. He may not understand it, but he isn't questioning it (at least to my face).

I came out to my parents because I had been feeling so utterly disconnected from them, and I wanted to reestablish a relationship with them. I definitely feel like we have been communicating more lately, and I also want to keep our relationship positive and emotionally satisfying for all of us. I hope that my mom can move past this idea that our brains have become messed up so that we can continue rebuilding our relationship.

Semantics?

Something I have been mulling over are the differences between the following words to describe alternative relationship styles and orientations:

Open.
Nonmonogamy.
Polyamory.

I have written before on this blog that I myself identify more with the phrase "open relationship" to describe the relationship that J and I have. For some reason, other terms never spoke to me.

After doing more thinking about it, I think I have reached some new insights and conclusions (which I am sure can and will change, but this is how I feel right now):

An open relationship, to me, still acts as an umbrella term for describing various styles of ethical nonmonogamy. Partnered nonmonogamy, swinging, polyamory, and polyfidelity are all styles that fit under this umbrella term. However, a distinction I would make between an open relationship and cheating is that an open relationship is one inherently marked by honesty, communication, and ethical negotiation (aka, openness). It just doesn't jive for me that a relationship marked by dishonesty can be considered "open." I would consider such a relationship to be nonmonogamous, but certainly not "open." I have for the most part described my relationship with J as "open," and I think it is because is feels like such an umbrella term for me. Our negotiations and priorities have shifted so much for us in the past year, that it just always felt easier to label it as an open relationship and describe specifics later.

I think nonmonogamy can be a kind of open relationship, or a relationship where one partner fulfills some of their needs without the consent of their partner. Partnered nonmonogamy is definitely one type of open relationship, in which partners agree to, typically, emotional exclusivity and seek out other sexual relationships. This is in contrast to relationships that are behaviorally nonmonogamous for one partner but without the consent of the other partner. 

Polyamory. Having multiple, significant relationships at once. This conception of polyamory fits me pretty well, both in terms of how I feel about what I want from my relationships as well as what I feel our relationship has become. I definitely believe that I can love others, and that J can love others. I deeply appreciate the ability to have multiple intimate emotional and/or physical relationships in my life, and I know J does, too. As an individual, I do feel like I would describe myself as poly. I think there is still a lot to think about and unpack to identify in this way, but I think that it most accurately describes my personality, motivations, desires, and needs in having an open relationship. For some reason right now, I feel like polyamorous is more of an individual identity. I would describe myself as poly, and the relationship J and I share as an open relationship. If he wants to identify as poly, that is his orientation, just as it is my path to find out how I identify and want to build relationships with others.


To me, the importance in critically thinking about these terms relates to how I think about my sexual/relationship/romantic identity and then how my relationships manifest. I think it also is important in how I relate to others, their experiences and relationships, and make sense of this journey.

It took over a year...

But I finally feel like I have my open support system. It is amazing to know all of these wonderful, open people, and to feel like I can reach out for the compassion and support and perspective that I need, and to also know that J is similarly supported and loved.

THANK YOU to all of the beautiful people in our lives!

What Do We Want & Can We Get It?

J and I admittedly have been going through a rough patch in our relationship. And because this blog isn't the space where we go through our experiences in fine detail, I am not going to describe the specifics. Because the deeper issue is much broader, and much more important, than the specifics.

Do we want the same thing in our relationship? Or, mostly similar things? What does our Venn diagram look like? Where do we overlap and where is there room for negotiation? Are there things that neither of us will be able to get by being with each other? Are those non-overlapping pieces so important that we shouldn't be together?

J wants us each to have a solid vision of what our relationship looks like. And then he wants us to come together and talk about our visions, our goals, our wants, needs, and desires. What things are non-negotiable? What things are we comfortable exploring and what things aren't we comfortable with? I am down with this idea. Although it is difficult for me because I have felt like we have been on the same page since we started on this journey over a year ago, and it feels disheartening for me to know that J doesn't feel that we are.

Part of why he feels this way, I think, is because I have had to do a lot of active, and oftentimes difficult, work becoming comfortable with reaching a new place in our relationship. Many of the principles that I think we both agree on in our relationship seem to come second-nature to J, and so I think it can be challenging for him to see me where I'm at emotionally and understand my perspective on a situation.

Negotiating our open relationship, and how to make it mutually satisfying, has become more difficult lately. Which has created amazing stress and tension for both of us. Which makes the communication process and negotiation process even more difficult. Learning how to be honest and communicate compassionately in the midst of this stress and tension is so hard.

My stomach has been in knots for almost a month now. A lot of food makes me nauseous and I have a hard time keeping anything in my stomach for very long. I know that I can't handle this kind of emotional stress for much longer. Thinking about my life without J is incredibly sad to me, and while I know that neither of us would die if we broke up and both of us would move on, it's something that I can't fathom. And so it's been insanely difficult to handle the thought and all of the accompanying emotions.

I feel peaceful thinking about the incredibly rewarding and positive aspects of our relationship, and about all of the work that we have both done in becoming stronger, happier, and more fulfilled individuals. I feel hopeful thinking about the foundation that we have, and the strength that I feel when I look back on our relationship and the love and excitement I feel looking forward. 

How I am experiencing love right now

-Having J touch my shoulder when I know it's so hard for him to do
-Driving through the night to reach family and watching J sleep in the passenger seat
-Feeling honest and being honest
-Hearing J's honest feelings
-Feeling scared out of my mind
-Sex in the early morning hours that reminds me of how bonobos might have sex after conflict: intense, thirsty, feeling drained and peaceful afterward
-Remembering and focusing on positives in our relationship
-Trying to feel grounded and sane, and remembering to eat

Really, Katy Perry's "Wide Awake" is how I feel in my relationships right now

This is the most disjointed and unclear post I have ever written/posted. It's more helpful to me than anyone else. But that's okay, yeah?

Sex Education Training

I attended a sex education training, meant for people who work with you in sex education settings. Since it's something that I hope to actually do some day, I thought it would educational to attend. Overall, it was a well put-together training and the facilitators were awesome.

Thoughts:

Being in an open relationship, though, definitely gave me some extra food for thought during the training. On the evaluations, for example, I wrote that it would be positive to me to hear about how to address relationship diversity in sex education. It was so interesting because the next day, one of the facilitators reviewing the evaluations from the day before said "Oh yes, well we will be discussing that today." But what she thought of when she read "relationship diversity" on my evaluation was LGBTQ relationships. So I clarified my point again on the second day's evaluation. Hopefully they understood the second time when I mentioned I meant it in relation to monogamous and nonmonogamous relationships. Just doing my part to spread awareness. One sex ed training evaluation at a time.


Another interesting point during the training was a discussion about sexualization. We completed an activity where we identified behaviors or ideas with the so-called five parts of sexuality (sexual identity-composed of sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender role; sexualization; sexual and reproductive health; sensuality; and intimacy... I don't particularly like this model because it doesn't mention relationship orientation and because it seems a little too simplistic to me... like it doesn't mention at all other factors that might make up your overall sense of sexuality such as religious, political, and family influences or past experiences of sexuality). The behaviors and ideas and things that people pinned to sexualization were things like strip clubs and porn- things that I could tell the group thought were inherently degrading or bad in some way. I myself had associated one behavior with sexualization, but didn't see it as bad- fantasizing about someone you know. There is no harm, to me, in doing this. Sexualizing something or someone is not morally bad. It's a normal behavior, and I know I sexualize a lot of thins and people I encounter every day (and I'm pretty sure I'm normal?!). Talking to J made me realize that the difference is really between sexualization and objectification. Sexualization can have both positive and negative consequences. It can be integrated into masturbation or sex with partner(s). It's also a normal desire to want to be sexualized by partner(s) or others. To me, sexualization is related to the feeling of desire and feeling desired. Objectification has terrible consequences for everyone, reducing whole people to body parts and influences sexual violence. Word. The question then becomes: do things like strip clubs and porn sexualize or objectify? I think the answer truly depends on the environment and other factors at play. It's complicated, yeah?

Dependency, Autonomy, and Counselors

Ugh. So this post is less fun for me to write than the more recent ones have been.

Remember Kathy Labriola's intimacy and autonomy scale? The one about identifying yourself on a scale of 1-10, and talking with your partner(s) about where you all fall and making sure to get what you need and respecting what your partner(s) want and need, too.

Well I am definitely a little bit higher on that scale than J. Which really doesn't cause us a ton of issues. But being in an open relationship really brings personal weaknesses to the forefront, and forces us to work on them.

And mine right now is this: I have for as long as I can remember been dependent on those closest to me. Dependent in the sense that I tend to forgo my own wishes, desires, and happiness to make those closest to me happy. I tend to not do things I want to do if it means I might cause someone else discomfort. Or that I tend to be upset by someone close to me asserting their autonomy or independence because it shows me how other people seem to do their own thing so easily, when it feels so difficult to me. This, especially in the context of our open relationship, manifests to J as control over him and his relationships. So you can see how this creates some major issues for us.

Soooo... I have now found myself a new counselor to work with me on creating a more solid sense of self and independence in my personal life and within the context of my relationships. But that was an interesting process, because it was extremely important to me to find a counselor that was supportive of open relationships. The first three I called, though, sounded just fine and very supportive of my relationship. I made initial consultations with all of them, and met with all of them for 30 minutes. The first one had actually worked with people in open relationships before, individuals and couples, and was totally fine with my relationship status. The second simply didn't care one way or the other- she just wanted me to be comfortable sharing who I am and was extremely clear in her support for me. The third, however, was a piece of work. She was clearly uncomfortable with me and both my sexual orientation and relationship orientation. One crappy quote from her once we started talking about my open relationship: "Well, I have worked with gay people before, soo...." Oh yeah? Whoopdy do.

It was crucial for me to find a counselor supportive of and open to my relationship orientation, because it will make my sessions so much more useful and relevant to me. The dependency/autonomy issues are some that I have struggled with my whole life, but our open relationship definitely brings them to light. I love our relationship, and even though it's really difficult at times, I am so grateful for the chance I have to critically self-reflect and engage in continual growth.

Applying to My Ph.D. Program!

A big whoo hoo to me! I put the rest of my application materials in the mail to apply to Widener University's Ph.D. program in Human Sexuality!!

:-D

That's all. It will work out this time or it won't. Either way, I am excited about what lays ahead next in my adventure learning about sex, love, and relationships.

Mind Melting!

Alright, it's high time for this blog post.

Short story: I have been dating this amazing and beautiful girl. J and beautiful girl hit it off, too. We have the most amazing threesomes of my life. My mind melted.

Longer story: We invited D to go down to CA with us. J had been flirting with her the week before, and J and I had been having hot, hot, HOT sex fantasizing about having her with us. I didn't think anything sexual was going to happen among the three of us, but J was certain of it. I am glad we didn't bet on it, because J would have definitely won. 

Picture this: beautiful house, pool, hot tub, a king size bed. Menage a trois wine (corny but perfect, right??). Lots of flirting and good conversations. Beautiful, fit bodies. Naked in the hot tub. She and I start to kiss and touch each other. And then... I don't even remember how it all flowed from one minute to the next. All I know is that it was one of the most extraordinary sexual experiences of my life. It felt totally shocking and gorgeous and fantastic. Like all of the stars in the night sky above us were swirling around and around and exploded in my brain. Seriously. It was that good. And then I was laughing so hard I almost started to cry. The happiness and satisfaction and love I felt made my heart and stomach and whole body ache and shudder.

Whew. And it happened again and again.

There are always other emotions and experiences and perceptions to any story, as there are for this one as well. But this post is dedicated to the beautiful craziness of the our amazing, amazing CA threesomes. (And I realize now that this post isn't very long. But sometimes more words take away from a story. So here it is. Short and very, very extra sweet.)

Coming Out to My Parents

Yep, that's right folks. I did it. I told my parents last week that:
1. I am bi, and
2. J and I have an open relationship

They have been extraordinarily supportive and loving, even though they do not totally understand the choices J and I have made. 

I was not surprised when my mom started talking about how she is pretty sure she is bi. She had a big 'ol crush on a girl during high school. But, according to her, you have to make a choice as a bisexual: man or woman? She chose to with a man, my dad, and has never been sexual with a woman. I literally could not imagine having the feelings that I do for women, and never experiencing them.

My parents' main concerns? That I was healthy and happy, that I was not in an abusive relationship, and that I practiced safer sex. The most surprising part of my conversation occurred when my mom expressed concerns that I not become part of a triad because "3 just doesn't work." I am not sure exactly why she thinks that (something related to the psychic nature of 3s and how things are contantly changing in a relationship of 3 or something), but it was interesting nonetheless.

My mom has asked me a few times now: Is this something you plan to continue with your whole life? The subtext of this question is of course trying to figure out if I am just experimenting (so she can relax about it all), or if this is a "new" me (so she can readjust her view of me). I told her: I am bi, and I like being with women. J and I love our relationship, and we plan to make it satisfying for both of us. As long as we are both satisfied, then yes, we will continue doing what we are doing. If something changes, then something changes. So, no, Mom: I am not just experimenting. This is me. At least for the foreseeable future.


One of my main concerns while I was talking to them was that they not judge J or look down on him. I did not want them thinking that he "forced" me to do anything. They reassured me, and once they saw him an hour later, they gave him a huge hug and told him they loved him.

When my mom said "Well it sounds like you have done a lot of reading. I am very impressed"  I felt confident in myself and in our relationship. J and I were in the midst of a fight and yet I felt solid in my ability to explain and defend our choices. 

And yet, I feel patronized and belittled hearing comments from her like "Well, my gosh, you are just so young!!" And "It just seems so hard." My perspective is that all relationships can be challenging at times, and shouldn't my parents be happy that I am making intentional and conscious decisions about my life and relationships, instead of going down the path I was on (which was full of unintentional decisions??)?


I didn't talk to them about swinging, or gangbangs, or anything related specifically to my sex life. But because it was important to me to tell them about my bisexual identity and the fact that J and I see other people romantically and sexually, I came out to them. It was incredibly difficult and amazing at the same time. And now I feel so much more authentic and real when I am around them, even if it's difficult at times to answer questions and engage in conversations with them about it all. I also now feel readier to plan a wedding with my mom, because I can make it feel honest and true to the real relationship J and I share.

It's Quite Possible...

To get yourself off in the car. While driving.

I would know... because I have now done it!

It must have been all of J's raunchy text messages since he has been gone to help some family move. I was feeling so tired and antsy at the same time, and then I just knew: I have to get myself off. It was the same kind of dire need that I remember feeling when I was super horny in junior high and high school. I unbuttoned my shorts, and my hands knew what to do. It was pretty amazing.

(Don't worry; there were hardly any other cars on the road at the time, and I was so horny, it didn't take long!)

I have so, so many posts to work on this week on ideas and experiences from the past couple of weeks! But stay tuned for lots to come (pun intended!)

Peace, love, and happiness, and lots and lots of sexy sex!