Working through Challenges v. Incompatibility

I was talking with a customer at work the other day, and surprise surprise, it comes up that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex and he have tried working with open/poly relationship structures and principles before.

After talking a little about their history (extreme jealousy on her end, preoccupation with school on his, possible cheating and boundary breaking on her end, unwillingness to have rules work both way on her end, etc.; and granted, I heard more about her indiscretions than his), his question for me essentially came down to this:

How do you know whether you and your partner can work through sticking points, or whether perhaps you are simply incompatible and should find a partner with whom you agree more on relationship issues?

When sitting with him, I was just as stumped as him. I really didn't know what to say.

After talking with J and sitting with it a bit more, I think I have some coherent feedback.

How compatible do you feel with your partner in other ways? How worth it does it feel to work through challenges? For instance, J and I are compatible 95% of the time, so working through our sticking points is worth it to both of us. And, we consider each other to be life partners (another indication that we both feel a high compatibility with one another). 

How important is your relationship structure to you? Is it extremely important that you have the option of sleeping with other people or dating other people? Or, are extra-dyadic sex and romantic relationships just the icing on your cake- can you take it or leave it? Knowing this may help you figure out where you can easily compromise and where you can't. If a specific relationship structure is highly important to you, and your partner has a very different idea and different needs, then you may simply be incompatible.

He also mentioned that his somewhat-of-an-ex was more focused on extra-dyadic sex, while he was desirous of other romantic and emotional relationships via the dating experience (sex was not the focus for him, or as important). He wondered aloud to me, are these differences indicative that he and his partner are incompatible or could their desires coexist? I told him then, and I still think, that I certainly know people in long-term relationships in this very situation and I think it is quite possible to have them coexist. The important thing, I think, is for each partner to recognize that they simply have different desires and needs and to respect one another. I also told him that I think unique challenges arise from this situation if both people have a difficult time relating to one another because they don't understand each other's needs. I think it also presents a situation where insecurities and instances of feeling threatened are more likely to come up.

More than anything, it was very clear that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex don't talk. For one, he didn't even know if they were broken up or not, because they have broken up so many times he can never tell when they are together or not. He didn't know when she started sleeping with a past partner, because she wouldn't be clear about it, so he didn't even really know if she had explicitly broken a boundary of their previously monogamous relationship. They had different ideas of disclosure, but they hadn't figured that out together through talking (he wanted her to offer information about encounters and relationships and she thought that he should ask about anything he wanted to know; the result was that he felt like he was prying and she felt like he was suspicious of her). Talking is a positive thing; not talking creates problems and makes them fester. (Obvious, I know.)

Does anyone else have advice for my friend?

Recent Posts I Dig

I ran across both of these blog posts/articles recently, and I wanted to share them! They are both brief, which I think makes them even more effective and helpful.

On Journals of a Polyamorous Triad, Simon posted this article: "Feelings Matter."

Favorite line (make sure to read it for context!):
"In effect, the practice of ethical communication becomes a license to do as they please without fear of accountability or being told no."

And, on DatingAdvice, I was pleasantly surprised to find this very straightforward article: "Why 'You Complete Me' is BS."

Favorite lines:
"So instead of looking for someone to complete, and for someone to complete you, be complete in and of yourself first.
When you bring your complete self to the relationship, instead of having the relationship or your partner define who you are, then you’re able to really recognize if you’re compatible with the person you’re with."

And another one: on Psychology Today, "Don't Wait for Desire: Reverse the Equation."

Favorite lines:
"If you wait until you feel horny to have sex, you may never have sex again! So, don’t wait to feel horny to engage in a sexual encounter. Instead, put it on your schedule and allow the sexual encounter itself to get you horny...
Just as it isn’t comfortable to put on the wrong size shoes, it isn’t going to work to rely on a model of desire that no longer fits your current life stage."

Threesomes & Moresomes

My next article for DA went live today: "The Secrets to Having a Good Threesome"

Here's an excerpt:

"Key factors to consider and questions to answer:

• Who is OK to invite for group sex (friends, strangers, etc.)?
• How will group sex impact the relationship among the people involved?
• Is it OK if it happens again?
• What are the sexual and emotional boundaries?
• Can you manage jealousy, competitiveness and possessiveness to the extent that a threesome/moresome will be a fun and positive experience?
• What are your safer sex practices for a group sex encounter?
• What is the goal of the group sex encounter (fun, experimentation, closeness, love, etc.)?"

Check it out! :)

My next one for them will be on how to find people for group sex. Hot!

In the Words of Jen Sincero:

"The Joy of Sex with Chicks"

(from The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks)

"1. When you're with another chick, the roles can switch back and forth in a much more equal and fluid way...
2. The way women women orgasm is so different from the way guys do. We don't need to stop and recharge before starting up again, so we can go on and on till the break of dawn without a time-out...
3. I found that every time I did something to her, I could imagine I was doing it to myself. So much so that I could practically feel it even if I wasn't touching myself at all. The combo of watching her get off and imagining exactly what it must feel like could bring me to orgasm.
4. Women's bodies are unbelievably soft! They're like the softest pillows in the world. This has made me totally understand why men go apeshit over us. It also made me aware of my own body's softness, and it made me feel incredibly sexy in a way I never had before.
5. Lastly, because we live in a society that has a large stick up its ass, also because my sexual hometown is Straightyville, sleeping with someone I wasn't 'supposed' to made me feel kind of kinky. This turned me on like nobody's business... (pxi-xiii)."

Mmm mmm mmm. All so, so true.

[1. I love being dominant with a woman. Like, really love it. I love being on top and giving a hand job and going down on her. I like grabbing her hair and pushing her back on the bed, and pulling her toward me. But, I also like letting her take over and letting me lay in ecstasy.

2. So true. It's so different with a woman! When do you stop? Sex can just go on and on in waves.

3. I feel like there is some deep level of understanding with a woman. I know what a pussy feels like and the general anatomy. I'm not as experienced with women, and I feel like sex can be a positive challenge, but the knowledge I have of what a pulsating pussy feels like turns me on when I feel hers.

4. God almighty, yes. Soft skin, hair that smells good, a deliciously fragrant pussy, shapely ass and tits, soft hands, soft face... Mmm.

5. The last point is not as true for me, but I do find myself getting turned on when I think about how same-sex isn't the norm for myself or for our society. The non-normative experience does something for me on some level. I feel like I am exploring and relishing a unique interaction, that only some people are able to experience.]

What a Birthday Girl Gets...

Time and space to exercise, to feel my body move and sweat, my heart pumping and my lungs working, to feel alive
 
A birthday coffee with my lovely, lovely lady.... and some sweet kisses, too ;)

A beautiful 75 degree, sunny, clear day

Another weekly counseling session (for the ninth month! awesome!). Investing in my mental health is always a gift.

Meditation, laying in the sun, soaking up rays and happiness from the sky

A relaxing pedicure and manicure so that my calloused feet and hands and sore forearms and calves feel pampered

A delicious dinner out (mmm Mexican) with my amazing and wonderful primary partner, followed by a trip to the swingers' club to get tied up and fucked. Yes. Enough said. I am So Excited.

Maybe a lap dance from a guy at our gay male strip club. Yes PLEASE.

Here is my most recent favorite poem that I am using to celebrate my week and my day and my birthday:

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any — lifted from the no
of all nothing — human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)
— ee cummings