Monday, May 14, 2012

"America's War on Sex" Book Review


This is J writing. . . finally! It has been so long since I have written a post but K told me that I have three book reports to write and they were all due yesterday.  Oops. Now that I am on vacation I am trying to catch up on all the books that I put off reading while I was in school.  My next blog post will be about “Gay, Straight and the Reason Why” by Simon LeVay which is a book that explores a lot of the research that has been conducted into sexual orientation.  However, the first book that I read this summer was “America’s War on Sex” by Marty Klein; it was published in 2006, before “Sexual Intelligence.”

“America’s War on Sex” was essentially a summary of the immense discomfort that our culture experiences in regards to sex and how that discomfort manifests in an attack on sex and sexual expression.  He covers a variety of topics relating to sex and sexuality such as: sex education (with a focus on abstinence-only education programs), pornography, gay marriage, swing clubs, abortion and reproductive rights, and mass media and censoring.  The book is a sort of A-Z of every way in which the right is attempting to limit your sexual expression and sexual freedom.  Dr. Klein makes no attempt to hide his disdain for right wing leaders like George W. Bush, Rick Santorum, Jerry Falwell and others who he sees as responsible for attacking a citizen’s right to freely express themselves sexually without interference from the government.

The main theme of the book seemed to be that regardless of what your own level of comfort is with someone else’s sexuality, this is America and people should have the right to express themselves freely and openly so long as they are not harming others.  This closely dovetails with an important point in the book, which is that those who are not at ease with their own sexuality see attacks on their way of life everywhere – in the media, on billboards, in sex education programs, in the mere existence of pornography, and in books like “Fifty Shades of Gray.”  Because some people are so uncomfortable with the fact that they are sexual beings, they are unable to simply recognize and then dismiss those parts of the culture that are sexual; they must seek to control and limit the sexual expression of others in an attempt to protect themselves from what they see as a “sexual onslaught” in which they are being constantly attacked.  Dr. Klein sees this need to control the sexuality of others by limiting their rights to free sexual expression by watching pornography, going to strip clubs, et cetera as distinctly “un-American.”  After all, part of living in a pluralistic society means tolerating those with different views and expressions than you. 

I personally think that Dr. Klein did an excellent job of explaining how the law and especially the U.S. Supreme Court shape our sexual culture through their interpretation of the First Amendment.  The foreword to the book was written by the president of the ACLU and specifically commended Dr. Klein for the excellent job that he did covering how the law is involved in shaping what sort of sexual expression is permissible and where it is permissible.  One thing that I think that he somewhat glossed over is the fact that while the Supreme Court has been the most protective branch of government in terms of allowing people the right to sexual expression (even if what they have done has been pretty limited) they are essentially the last resort; these sorts of cases in which a person is not being permitted to express themselves freely only make it to the Supreme Court because of laws that were passed by legislatures and signed into law by governors or presidents.  If we convince our elected officials to not give into the pressure placed on them by those who are too fragile to handle other people’s sexual expression, the Supreme Court would not have to “put it’s foot down” in order to protect our First Amendment rights.  For example, there is currently a circuit-split (when two circuit courts rule on the same issue in different ways) regarding whether a state may pass a law that makes it illegal to sell sex toys.  Texas and Alabama have both passed laws making the sale of sex toys illegal.  The 11th Circuit struck down the Texas law finding that it was unconstitutional but the 5th Circuit upheld Alabama’s law finding that it was reasonable.  You can read more about this issue here if you are interested: http://newyorklawschool.typepad.com/leonardlink/2008/02/a-circuit-split.html The bottom-line is that this case only matters because states like Alabama and Texas are bothering to pass these laws that then call into question whether or not a person has a constitutionally protected right to buy sex toys or not; if state’s would not pass these ridiculous laws then it wouldn’t matter whether you had a constitutional right to buy a sex toy.

Another important point from this book is the extreme misinformation that is proffered by those uncomfortable with sex and sexuality in their attempt to limit the sexual expression and freedom of others.  He discusses the immense quantity of evidence that has been put forward against abstinence-only education and the fact that the right continues to tout abstinence-only education as the only effective means of preventing pregnancy and disease. Dr. Klein cites a figure that abstinence fails 88% of the time; he gets this from the fact that 88% of those people making an “abstinence-until-marriage pledge” will have sex before they are married.  Furthermore, those breaking the pledge are statistically less likely to use safe and effective forms of contraception and/or to use the contraception properly.  Another interesting piece of misinformation that Dr. Klein refers to is the idea that pornography causes violence or sexual assault; peer-reviewed studies tend to show the exact opposite which is that access to pornography reduces the number of sexual assaults in a community.  The book is loaded with misinformation commonly volunteered by the right as well as citations to peer-reviewed studies that refute this misinformation.

The last really important point that I got from the book is the way that the “war on sex” has been framed by those warring against sex and sexual expression.  It is framed, according to Dr. Klein, as an “us versus them” battle in which the “us” are the “righteous crusaders” who are uncomfortable with sex set out to save the community from the “them” who are perverts who do things like watch pornography, go to strip clubs, swing with their neighbors, and teach their children about contraception – you know who you are ;-)  This framing has the effect of making this small but vocal minority seem as if they have the moral high-ground which makes those people who consume pornography, go to strip clubs, swing, et cetera refuse to speak up and stand up for themselves since they are afraid of being attacked and smeared by those in this small minority.  One of my favorite examples from this section of the book was about a populated place that had many residents as well as strip clubs.  When the area became incorporated one of the first acts of the new city council was to pass zoning laws making it illegal for the strip clubs to continue to operate in their city.  In this decision the city council framed those that went to the strip clubs as “them” – perverts coming from other places to go to the strip clubs – but Dr. Klein asks the question “Who did this city council think were keeping these strip clubs in business? Probably the people who lived within a few miles of the clubs.” 

While the book was a bit disheartening because it reminded me of all of the ways in which sexual expression is limited and about the constant attack that sexual expression and freedom is under, I ultimately think it is a worthwhile read.  I think it is important to be knowledgeable about the constant attack on sexuality and sexual expression so that we can defend our right to express ourselves sexually in ways that are not unfairly limited by the government.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

A Women's Conference + Strip Club Stage Dance = ?!?

Okay, so I have been letting all of this roll around in my head for the past week (or "marinate" as one of my friends would say!). And I am still not sure where it all sits.

I attended a women's conference all day last weekend. Full of feminist fun, as I have been saying. I learned more about sexual violence prevention programming, how masculinity is constructed in the US and its negative effects, feminist porn, and sex ed. I enjoyed it, and it left me excited.

And then, that same night, I had sexy friends over and we all went to my favorite strip club, and I got a stage dance- that is, two strippers danced on me on the stage, spanked me, took off my shirt and bra, and told me I could get naked with them any time I wanted to (and believe me, I totally want to!). Being with women, getting (at least partially) naked, and doing it in front of people (who PAID to get in!) are all things that completely turn me on and put me in a state of bliss. Needless to say, I was in heaven. I absolutely loved it. Gah!

But I also feel like I am having a mental tug-of-war. If the body is political, if what we do with our bodies is political, than did I undermine women's rights or further support a patriarchal social structure by getting up there and participating (or, obviously, just by going and financially supporting a strip club?)? That seems so harsh and inflexible to me. And I know plenty of women who enjoy going to strip clubs, and I have talked to strippers and formers strippers who genuinely enjoy and enjoyed their work... But am I letting myself off too easy if I claim that I can't control what turns me on, and thus I should just enjoy it (given responsible, respectful, and consensual relationships)? Or is it really just that simple?

Friday, April 13, 2012

The L Word

J and I have been watching "The L Word," the 2004 Showtime series. I honestly don't know who likes it more- me or him. I guess the main thing is: we both love it!


We realized why we both like it so much. The downside to traditional, free porn online is that there is hardly a story or plot. You don't get to know the characters, and if there is any storyline, it is cheesy and embarrassing at best. The downside to written erotica is that you don't get the added pleasure of seeing the action visually (although there is definitely something to be said for having the freedom to visualize characters and scenes however you please). The L Word is the best of both worlds: developed characters and plots, hot actors, and hot sex. It's like erotica come to life!


I just can't believe how turned on we both can get from watching this show. I think it's pretty dramatic, and sometimes cheesy, and I also am a bit annoyed that there isn't much size difference among the actors on the show (most of them are rail-thin!). But, it is entertaining enough, and when sex does happen on the show, it adds to the plot and characters. I also think the show does a decent job of showing different kinds of sex- while the passionate scenes turn me on the most, I like seeing slower and more sensual sex, and sex between long-time partners.


Yay porn, yay erotica, yay The L Word! And yay for the fact that we are still on season 1, and each episode is like 45 minutes long... we have a lot to get through ;-)


Happy Weekend!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Sexual Intelligence

I loved, loved, loved Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein. His paradigm of sex is one that J and I had reached on our own, and he articulated the concept so clearly and applicably: sex is so much more than "penis in vagina" or an orgasm, sex requires flexibility and adaptability and an open attitude, and sex is a new experience every time, regardless if it is with a new or familiar partner.

His main points are: don't start sex before you feel close or ready, understand the process of initiating sex, take and make time for sex, focus on the process of sex and not just on the "end result" or orgasm, and talk about sex (what you want, what your partner wants, fantasies, techniques, etc.)- before, during, and after sex. He essentially argues for communication about sex, because many people simply "expect" sex to be good, all the time, without much forethought, planning, or communication. In addition, our conception of what sex is may have to drastically change over the course of our life; sex at 60 will probably not be what sex was like at 20.

He discusses how body image and self confidence issues can detract from one's own pursuit of sexual pleasure, and also can detract from your partner's enjoyment of oneself. One thing that he mentions that stuck with me is the idea that deflections from compliments that my partner gives me actually increases the distance between my partner and I. If the point of sex is to increase closeness and a sense of enjoyment, fulfillment, or intimacy, than deflections from my partner's praises has the opposite effect. 

Another part that I loved about his book (and which I have already mentioned) is his focus on sex as a process and not as a means to reaching orgasm. This concept is especially useful for older adults, who may have a more difficult time getting hard, getting wet, or experiencing orgasm. However, it also resonated with me because J and I have met a small number of people who take a very narrow view of what a sexual experience should be like in order to be satisfying: if someone doesn't have an orgasm, the experience was a failure. This in turn can put a lot of pressure on the partners for the next sexual encounter, and may even make it more difficult next time to achieve orgasm. If we focus instead on enjoying our partner's body, pleasing our partner, and communicating about what we want and how, the whole process is enjoyable, regardless if whether orgasm occurs. He mentions how orgasm is generally about 2% of the entire time spent on sex- why would we place so much emphasis on such a tiny portion of sex and disrupt the other 98% of the process with anxiety and fears about not "performing" adequately in the other 2%?

This book is a quick and enjoyable read- I recommend it to anyone looking to expand their views on sex and increase their own sexual intelligence!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Happy Anniversary to K & J!

Happy Anniversary of Opening Up to K & J! We first read Sex at Dawn last March, and our first foray into nonmonogamy was April 1, 2012, as we ventured to a sex club. Last spring changed our lives.

Since opening up, we have emailed with dozens and dozens of couples, had dinner with around 40 couples and individuals, and met many more at our sex club. Meeting so many people has allowed us to have several ah-ha moments, grow as individuals, and grow as a couple. The lessons we have learned have been invaluable as we have journeyed through our first year together, and we have needed for one reason or another to go through each experience and learn each lesson. Here is a collection of some our thoughts and feelings from the various people we have met in the past year. Some are silly and light-hearted, while others are serious. A lot of them seem completely obvious now, but I guess we needed to meet people and talk with each other before having them cemented in our brains:

-       It is probably better for kids to have more responsible and caring adults in their life than less
-       If we ever decide to have kids, it would be amazing to have a solid and trusting relationship with another couple or individual that would want to co-parent
-       K is definitely into women!
-       Four-way chemistry is rare and hard to find
-       The bisexuality spectrum is wide and variable
-       Sexual attraction to someone can wax and wane, and there might not be a good explanation for it
-       Having really close friends is just as satisfying as having other sexual partners
-       There is infinite variety in sexual desire and fantasy
-       It does seem possible for two couples with four-way chemistry to find each other
-       It can be difficult for us to engage with really shy people- we are both a bit more extroverted than we thought!
-       Casual sex can totally work, when there is good chemistry, a fun attitude, and respect
-       Age isn’t that important to us if chemistry is there
-       Don’t let anyone else’s ideas of sex, sexuality, and the expression of it control your own sexual desires
-       Chemistry and attraction can build over time
-       Narrow views of sex can make a sexual experience boring and unsatisfying
-       Sex with an older person is not like having sex with your parent
-       Older people are not necessarily super experienced and good at sex
-       It works best for us when a couple has a whole range of activities open for discussion from group to separate
-       There are other women out there who do have a sex-positive attitude, and who can make sex enjoyable and low pressure
-       Don’t force the feeling of chemistry or attraction
-       We never want to live in a super remote area because expressing our open relationship would be so difficult
-       We actually can enjoy a camming relationship with a hot and sweet couple (we never thought we would enjoy or get into camming)
-       Don’t waste time with people who approach sex as one thing (such as penis-in-vagina)
-       If we are going to enjoy a purely sexual relationship with another couple or person, there needs to be a sex positive attitude; otherwise it won’t be a fulfilling experience
-       Casual encounters can be enjoyable and fun, even without ever talking or seeing the other people again
-       Lots of different people approach their open relationship very differently
-       There are a ton of ways people think about and fulfill their ideas of what an open relationship is
-       We gain so much satisfaction from simply meeting people who do approach and negotiate their open relationship differently from us and discussing our similarities and differences
-       From K: Strip clubs are completely fun and awesome when you realize you are looking at hot naked women
-       From J: Strip clubs are too loud and lap dances are boring
-       Some people care that we are not married, and this surprises us and makes us a bit uncomfortable
-       We are so glad that we decided to open up our relationship not as a result of cheating or moving away from each other, but as a result of wanting to grow our relationship and grow together; it seems so much more difficult to negotiate an open relationship when there is a huge time and geographic difference
-       There is unfortunately a vocal minority of size queens- we find this attitude superficial and dumb
-       You never really know when you will discover a new fantasy, whether that is rope play, domination and submission, exhibitionism, etc.
-       Older people can be so hot, and the hot older people that we have met are so inspiring because they prioritize their physical health, sexual desires, and physical and emotional connections
-       We both love flirting and seeing each other happy
-       We have so much fun around happy and energetic people, even if we don’t want to have sex with them
-       We do not connect very well to people who drink to get drunk
-       We do not connect well to people who mix heavy drinking with sex
-       Some people are just horny and will try to waste our time with inconsistent emails or dirty text messages without actually wanting to meet up; neither of us is particularly interested in relationships like this

The books we have read have been absolutely crucial in giving us the language to think about and articulate our own thoughts, feelings, desires, and fears in opening up. These include: Sex at Dawn, The Ethical Slut, Opening Up, Love in Abundance, Open, A Billion Wicked Thoughts, Sexual Intelligence, The Sex Diaries Project, The Erotic Mind, Mating in Captivity, Bonk, Romantic Jealousy, The Threesome Handbook, The Commitment, and A Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping With Chicks. J has also avidly kept up with several podcasts including: Dan Savage’s Lovecast, Life on the Swingset, Pedestrian Polyamory, and Sex Nerd Sandra.

Since opening up, our relationship boundaries and parameters have changed. At first, we started in the swinging scene, only playing with other people while we were together in the same room. After a few months, we opened up our boundaries to playing with others separately. A month or so after that, we opened up our boundaries to dating and playing separately. Since the fall, our boundaries have settled; we basically have many different things open as options, given some basic ground rules. These include keeping each other apprised of our feelings and attractions to other people and keeping each other updated with how a particular relationship is unfolding. We also want the chance at some point of meeting any other secondary partners to establish our own level of trust and respect with the secondary partner of our primary partner.

Learning how to communicate well has been essential, and we definitely are not perfect at it. Finding an open relationship positive counselor has been essential in giving us the resources to communicate more clearly and effectively with each other. Meta communication (communicating about what you want to communicate about; refer to our post on Kathy Labriola’s Love in Abundance) has been amazing in giving us the room to communicate well with each other. Miscommunication, lack of information, and other communication mishaps have shaped our path as well, and we continue to strive to do better than last time. 

We have come out to several long-time friends and select family members. We are so grateful for the support and love that we have received, and hope to continue living authentically as the months and years pass.

We have had a handful of pretty big fights. We have had several other really uncomfortable and difficult conversations. We have also had countless moments and experiences of pure joy, fun, excitement, and growth. We feel more connection to one another, are more attracted to each other, have more and better sex, and feel much more grounded in our plans to continue building a long-term relationship together. We love everyone we have met and connected with, whether is was through email, dinner, a kiss, a play session, or flirting. Everyone we have met has taught us something special and important, and we wouldn’t be the same without them! We can’t wait to see where our relationship takes us in the next year and beyond, and continually expand room in our lives and hearts for new experiences and partners.