Venn Diagram: Open & Kink

I feel pretty well integrated and knowledgeable about my local open/ethically nonmonogamous relationship community. I am not integrated in the local kink community and culture. However, there are definitely aspects of my relationship with J, and my own interests, that would mean that we could easily find community within the kink community. What is interesting to me, though, is that I have met few couples within the open relationship community that have a relationship dynamic or structure or interests that overlap with the kink community.

Maybe I would find more people in the reverse: maybe there are more people in the kink community that have some kind of open relationship (rather than people who have open relationships that also have an established BDSM component to their relationship). I don't know. My idea behind that is that folks in the kink community often have (in my experience) excellent communication skills around boundaries and agreements, and so it would make sense to me that those skills would spill over into the broader relationship structure.

On a related not, I remember writing a post about this way back when, but I always get kind of skeezed out when I encounter judgements within the alternative sexualities community about other folks within the community that do something different. (Ex: A poly person being weirded out and disdainful of swingers. And vice versa. BDSM practitioners being looked down upon by non-BDSM practitioners. Etc.) (This is probably a good reason why I haven't met many people within that middle section of the Venn diagram- if you are shamed or have been shamed within your alternative sexualities community, you are probably much less likely to try to share your kinks with your open friends, or vice versa). Wasn't there a Catalyst Con workshop about this that I wanted to go to? Ah, yes, I found it:

"Slut Shaming in Sex-Positive Communities Serpent Libertine, Femcar, Crysta Heart, jessica drake, Carol Queen #cconshaming

Does “sex positive” always mean acceptance of the sexual appetites of others or other communities we’re not involved in? Why is it acceptable for sex-positive individuals to bash or criticize the sexual proclivities of others while claiming to be supportive allies? Based on our collective experiences within the sex worker, BDSM, swinger, poly, and queer communities, our panel will lead a discussion that examines some of the ways we’ve witnessed slut-shaming from those we’ve expected it least. Additionally, we’ll discuss why initiating conversations about these incidents can be even more challenging than speaking with folks in the vanilla world. By confronting this issue, we hope to find better ways to stimulate conversations among sex-positive individuals and learn how our words and actions can have an impact on others who lack understanding of our communities."

Just a little rant :-) Thanks for reading! 

Women's Self Pleasure Circle

Last night I participated in a women's pleasure circle (maybe a different name for a circle jerk? haha). It was inspired in part by Betty Dodson's pleasure workshops and the BodySex film. But instead of a workshop with a "genital show-and-tell" and other workshop-y type things, last night involved movement and warming up mentally and physically, and a pleasure circle. The lovely Barbara Wynn facilitated and hosted five of us.

We started of by introducing ourselves, including how we were feeling and what we were hoping to get out of our experience. Yesterday I was feeling especially stressed out, from trying to decide what to do with moving and school, and also feeling disconnected from J. I have also been dealing with some, at times paralyzing, negative body image self-talk, and have been feeling pretty disconnected from myself in a positive way. I was hoping to use the experience to reconnect with myself and forget about those stressors for a bit. I was definitely pushing my comfort zone; even though I have been in plenty of exhibitionist and group sex spaces, I really wasn't sure that I would be able to relax into a self-pleasure space in the presence of other people. I was reminded of one of the discussion questions from the BodySex screening- have you ever found yourself "performing" during sex? I really wanted to use my experience in the pleasure circle to have an authentic solo sex session, and I was nervous that my anticipated discomfort would mean I would be "performing" and not having genuine fun with myself.

We started off with a movement exercise, in which we simply moved around the space however it felt comfortable to us. I walked and stretched out my body (it was really tight and tense from working yesterday). We also paired up three different times and answered questions with our partner: what is something you love about your sexual being, describe a self love experience that was transformative in some way, and what do you do to get turned on? As we moved around, we were encouraged to peel off layers of clothes, and practiced soft looks instead of hard looks (basically, noticing and looking with curiosity and awe instead of judgement or criticism). 

After getting warmed up, we regrouped. Many of us were down to bras and pants or bras and underwear. Barbara talked to us about her experience with communal masturbation and gave us an overview for how the pleasure circle would be facilitated after we took a break. She discussed the idea of the pleasure circle space as containing three concentric circles. If you decided to sit as far back as possible, you were in the outer ring and in the role of the witness. You could watch and observe what was going on. In the second ring, you were in an active, turning-yourself-on and acting-on-it space. In the third, middle ring, you would be in a "look at me!" space, celebrating yourself and wanting to be looked at and appreciated. She told us we could be in any of those places at any point throughout the time of the pleasure circle. It was nice to take a break after all of that to sort of mentally process everything and take time to pay attention to my hunger and thirst, and not worry about anything else going on.

Then, the pleasure circle got started. Barbara led us though some guided movement, asking us to experiment with different kinds of self-touch: light fingertips and caresses, scratches, grabbing, squeezing and pinching, pulling, slapping. She asked us to really notice what we liked and what turned us on. She asked us to feel our vulvas, to breathe deeply, and to pay attention. And then, she released us into the play session.

I had brought my glass dildo and my Hitachi and a bottle of lube, a blanket and pillow, and a towel. I noticed that it took a little longer than normal for me to get turned on and warmed up because I was a little uncomfortable at first in the space, and I think also because it was 83 degrees (which was amazing for my naked body), but I am also used to different temperature sensations on my skin (our apartment is usually between 60 and 65 degrees and I have grown to like the cold air on my skin). But, I eventually got into it. I was so surprised with how many orgasms I had. I lost count, because I decided to turn on off my cognitive processing for a bit, but I think it was around 10 or 12. It was amazing to me the high I could reach from allowing myself the time and space to get turned on, reach orgasm, rest for a minute, and do it over and over and over. I loved it. Being in a space with other turned-on, moaning, groaning, laughing women for an hour was a pretty awesome experience. It felt really freeing to just be responsible for myself, and to witness other women simply being responsible for themselves. We weren't doing anything "for" each other, we weren't having partnered sex. We were just in the presence of one another in self-pleasure. For the last five minutes or so, I simply laid on my back, closed me eyes, and drifted.

After we played for about an hour, we ended with a savasana and debriefed. I loved how meditative and peaceful, and happy, I felt.

Another participant said that the experience felt like it was something so old that her cells remembered it, but older than her brain could remember. I liked that sentiment a lot; it resonated with me. Also, I really loved what the space did for my body image. Seeing older women's bodies, bigger women's bodies, and smaller women's bodies made me less fearful about my body changing and made me feel stronger in myself. And, I found myself so comfortable in that space by the end of it. It really is quite amazing to me what getting naked with people and being sexual in the same space will do for comfort. It makes a lot of sense to me that some of my closest friends are those that I have been sexual with, in some way. There just doesn't seem to be anything quite as primal and authentic as sexual pleasuring.

5 Tips for People New to Open Relationships

A new friend on OKC recently asked me for five tips that I would offer him and his wife, as they are relatively new to poly and their open relationship. After some reflection and discussion with J, here is what I have to offer:

1. Read, read, and read some more
If you are new to the land of open relationships, then you most likely will need some new frameworks for understanding relationships, love, and sex. Even if many open relationship concepts feel familiar, it can be helpful to have some new cognitive frameworks and new language to go along with your feelings. Check out the Resources page for some books, websites, and other blogs that can help.
2. Practice self-awareness
Make sure to figure out why you want an open relationship, what needs you are hoping to fulfill, what structure sounds best to you (at least initially), and what things make you uncomfortable. Figure out what boundaries feel good to you. Notice when things feel good and when things feel challenging. Ask yourself "why?" and treat yourself with gentleness, respect, and curiosity. I think this post and this one can be helpful in getting the ball rolling, if you haven't looked inward in a while or are out of practice (both also include other good lists of tips about finding health and happiness in an open relationship and mirror this post a bit).
3. Communicate honestly
Open relationships are marked by honesty, integrity, and fidelity (honoring your commitments and promises). Treat yourself, your partner(s), and your relationships with respect by giving honest information about your needs, desires, and boundaries. Expect and ask for honesty in return. Know that open relationships rarely sit on "auto-pilot" (at least in my experience); communication is a dynamic and daily process. Without constant communication, feelings can fester and boundaries can be unintentionally violated. Expect to talk a lot, to listen a lot, and to work on your own communication skills. I highly recommend reading up on nonviolent communication skills, and how to incorporate meta communication into your interactions.
4. Expect to make mistakes and for your partner(s) to make mistakes
Life is messy. Everyone makes mistakes, especially when they are stepping outside the bounds of social norms (in this case, monogamy) for the first (intentional) time. Practice self-compassion and be compassionate toward your partner(s). Remember that you have good intentions, and that your partner(s) does too. And, if you welcome mistakes into your life, you also welcome successes and happiness. Mistakes can turn into blessings, as well, and teach you something new about yourself. Take the chance to grow and become the person you want to be.
5. Find support outside of your relationship
This is healthy regardless of your relationship structure, but it is especially helpful when you are transitioning an integral part of your worldview and way of relating to others. If friends and family in your life are not supportive of open relationships, then it is time to build an intentional community of folks who are supportive of them. Find support groups online or in person, find a poly-friendly therapist, and reach out to friends who can support and love you no matter what.

The Dating Game

When J and I met 6 1/2 years ago, I had this distinct feeling of absolute relief flood over me. I felt so gosh darn happy that I had met someone that I could tell I was going to be with for a long time. I had gone through a series of flings and shorter relationships after my one serious relationship ended in high school, and I was ready to just be with someone. I wanted the stability, and the depth, and I was so ready to be done with dating games. I remember when we first started seeing each other, I made a decision: I was not going to wait for him to message, or text, or call me first. I like him, I was totally into him, and I was going to let him know. I wanted to be an independent and forward person, capable of being an equal contributor to the development of a new relationship. 

Since being open, I have, for the most part, dated/created relationships with other people who are familiar with or have experience with open relationships. This makes the communication around relationship formation so much easier. Most of the people I know in open relationships are used to a deeper level of honesty and have more frank and clear communication skills. This makes dating and relationship formation a less stressful experience. There is not so much of a "dating game." I like that. But the few experiences I have had (generally when I have fallen hard for someone in vanilla-land) where that isn't the case, the dating game hits me full force. And I am without strategy. Literally.

All I have in my arsenal is my intuition, honesty, and communication. My ability to play the game, with mainstream social cues and patterns of behavior, is nonexistent. I am still, like I was 6 1/2 years ago, tired and done with the game and with traditional "dating." If I like you, I'm going to tell you. If I am not interested, I am going to tell you. And because I expect the same in return, it is really challenging when I am interacting with someone playing the game. I say, nuts to the dating game.

Speaking of which, I have not been actively dating for the past few months now. I prefer just meeting people with the intention of connecting on a friend level; it doesn't happen that often where I actually feel a spark of chemistry. Also, I get burned out, sometimes, because even though many people I know are great at communication, and I try to do my best too, it can feel exhausting to communicate so much about feelings and intentions and desires and motivations and needs and etc etc. And, I get burned out on relationships not matching up for whatever reason: we want different kinds of relationships, they are attracted to me and I'm not to them, I'm attracted to them and they aren't to me, etc etc. (That last one is especially draining for me: it is relatively easy for me to put myself out there, but I haven't yet cultivated a very good mechanism for guarding my heart against rejection. I think it's happened a lot in the past year and a half. Bummer. Which reminds me of Dan Savage's advice of recognizing the common denominator of relationships: you. Am I doing something wrong? Do other women not see me as queer- do I not put out the vibe? Am I too dramatic or intense or do I not communicate very well? Or is it a bit simpler- have I just not met someone who wants similar things to me? I really don't know; maybe it's all of those things.) Right now, I think I am just in a dating lull, which is fine. Like I said to J the other night: I feel so grateful and lucky to have one amazing partner with whom I can have a connected and meaningful relationship with. Any more than that would be pretty incredible to me.

Open Relationship Posts: Rant

J pointed out these open relationship posts on DatingAdvice.com to me today (they come up as related posts to my own, which was posted yesterday- yay!) and I am now feeling especially rant-y, so please excuse me while I go on an extended rant:

1. The Pros and Cons of Open Relationships
2. The Effect of Open Relationships 
3. Are Open Relationships a Good Idea?

I have so many gripes with them all, I don't even know where to start... let's start with the first one:

1. The Pros and Cons of Open Relationships
The author starts off his article with:
"My favorite oxymorons include: “jumbo shrimp,” “government intelligence,” “reasonable woman” (just kidding, ladies!) and “open relationship.” If it’s open, how can it be a relationship?"
Wtf. First of all, the whole "just kidding ladies" doesn't cut it for me. Just don't make sexist jokes like that, okay? Second of all, what the hell does "If it's open, how can it be a relationship?" even mean? What he means, obviously, by "relationship" is "monogamous relationship." So say that next time.
Next: his one, and only, pro to having an open relationship includes the following sentiment:
"Hey, variety is the spice of life, and a little hanky-panky with a brand new faceless, nameless female body might be just what the doctor ordered to keep your head screwed on straight when it comes to your real, uh, relationship."
Again, wtf. Faceless, nameless?? Can you say, "objectification of women"? Why does having an open relationship necessitate having sex with someone that doesn't have a face or a name?
His first con:
"Several guys — maybe even some guys you know — will be making love to the girl who gives meaning to your life. They will be tainting your favorite part of her anatomy with their most vile and disgusting appendage. And she’s going to like it. ‘Nuff said."
First: I hope there is more to your life that gives it meaning than just your partner. Second: maybe there is something else about her that is your favorite- besides her pussy?? (say, I don't know, like her smile or maybe even her brain?) Third: Why, all of a sudden, is a cock considered the "most vile and disgusting appendage"? Doesn't the author realize he has one of those? Fourth: Of course she is going to like it!!! Why the hell wouldn't she, or shouldn't she? And isn't that the point? To like your (open) relationship?
Cons 2-4: 
He obviously doesn't have any experience with open relationships. Those cons, those very ideas, are what some people (not all, of course) actually are looking for when they open up their relationships. Falling in love and having love returned are not total game-changers or destructive forces, and for some people, are welcomed.
Con 5:
This is disgusting to me: "And if she put up with it just to hold on to you, she might resent the fact that you turned her into a whore and hurt her with your activities on a regular basis." You turned her into a whore. Let's just take away a little more of this hypothetical woman's agency and power. Cool.
And his conclusion: 
"But the truth is that an open relationship will never grow because the core of the relationship is tortured instead of nurtured. It is not a road to a more committed relationship. It is a temporary rest stop while you’re looking for something better."
What evidence does he have for the core of the relationship being tortured instead of nurtured? I am sure there are some people, who in the course of having an open relationship, find that the relationship isn't something they want long-term, but that doesn't mean it wasn't healthy and satisfying while it was functioning. Also, I am sure there are plenty of people in monogamous relationships who are "looking for something better" or who aren't committed to their partner. Having an open relationship does not mean that the people in one are not committed or are unhappy with their current partner.

Okay,
2. The Effect of Open Relationships 
Again, this post reeks from a lack of evidence, and perpetuates cultural norms without any kind of critical examination.
Point #1: "A sexual relationship can turn into love." Okay... and? Couples who are not okay with this kind of emotional intimacy will stop seeing other partners that they grow to love. Couples who are okay with this kind of emotional intimacy are, well... okay with it. Her point that developing intimate feelings for someone else is irreversible is unfounded. I have experienced for myself the ebb and flow of platonic and romantic feelings for other partners. And let's be honest- doesn't that ebb and flow happen within the confines of monogamy, too?
Point #2: "Both partners begin on the same page, but things change." Yes, relationships, like life, are dynamic and they do change. Communication, honesty, and an openness to change are key. Things change within a monogamous relationship, too.
Point #3: "New sex may seem hotter and hurt the marriage." If a primary partner is hurt because of NRE, that is not the new (other/secondary) partner's fault, or the fault of great and hot new sex. It is the responsibility of the primary partners to ensure that NRE does not cloud or neglect the primary relationship.
Point #4: "Sex as a bonding tool loses its power." What??? Sex, in and of itself, is not necessarily powerful. It is the relationship within which it is used that is powerful, and of course we can simply ascribe sex with meaning and power. Sex is still very much a "bonding tool" for J and I, despite the fact that we have both had several other sexual partners in the past two years. Why? Because we have a deep and intimate relationship, and sex is quite meaningful between the two of us.
Point #5: "Open marriages expose the family to greater risk." I don't know where she gets this fact from, except her own perceptions. The little research (I like this one too) that has been done on people in open relationships shows that those individuals (as opposed to monogamous couples where cheating occurs) have lower transmission rates of STIs and safer sex practices because the communication around STIs and safer sex practices is much greater and more honest.
 Point #6: Okay, so she recognizes that "open relationships can be positive for certain couples." But she definitely does not allot any space or time to explaining why, which is very unfortunate and one-sided.
Her conclusion that "Research shows that monogamous marriage leads to better physical and mental health" is, again, unfounded. I would like to see what "research" she is referring to. Yes, I have seen studies showing that those who are married live longer and are happier than those who are not. But I have not seen a study that found that monogamous marriage is the key.

Alright, last rant (for today):
3. Are Open Relationships a Good Idea?
Her opening: "Couples in an open relationship remain mentally and emotionally committed but are free to explore other interests sexually. This can conceivably become a rather tricky situation to navigate." This is just one definition of what an "open relationship" is. In mainstream culture (think Facebook), I suppose "open relationship" means an emotionally monogamous/sexually promiscuous arrangement, but her opening thus excludes all other open relationship configurations. 
She mentions that "If you find yourself craving the affection and attention of other men while your boyfriend is by your side, suggesting taking on additional partners could be hurtful. For some people, it works. But for most, this loss of intimacy is often the beginning of the end of a relationship. If you find your mind wandering astray, maybe try turning inward and facing the issues with your partner before pulling in other people." I don't understand. How does having sex with other people take away intimacy from your current relationship? And I agree- if your current relationship has issues that need to be worked on, definitely turn inward and work on those issues before adding more people to the mix. But the simple desire for sexual variety isn't necessarily an issue that needs to be worked on.
Later, she states that "Even if you don’t normally consider yourself the jealous type, it’s OK to not want to share." Yikes!! This is exactly the kind of societal norm crap that perpetuates the attitude that jealousy and possessiveness and control equals love. It's gross. I think it's one thing to consciously choose a sexually monogamous relationship; it's another to simply say "No, I am not going to share you with anyone else, or let you choose how you want to relate to other people because I control you."
Her conclusion, however, took me by surprise and I appreciated it: "By the same token, if an open relationship works for you and works for your partner, don’t get bogged down in other people’s judgments. It’s OK if your friends don’t get it or think it’s a bad idea. They don’t live inside your head. Relationships are weird. They are the best kind of weird, but they’re all weird nonetheless. Do what works best for yours." I like that. So I am ending on a good note :-)