What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

Please go check this post out on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

***

I am so excited to announce that I have made another amazing connection- with Louisa Leontiades, of The Husband Swap. (See my post about her book here.) She also hosts several amazing websites: MultipleMatch, The Vagina Times, Postmodern Women, among others. She also writes a blog for the Huffington Post.

I recently co-authored an article with her about Portland as a poly-mecca, which is now live on MultipleMatch and will be published soon on HuffPo (I’ll be announcing that when it happens- I am so excited!)

Definitely go check her stuff out; I am thrilled to be in connection with her!

Here is the beginning of the article about Portland; please go read the rest!

“What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time

This also allows for an amazing number of strip clubs to exist. In fact Portland stands as the city with the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country – most of which are fully nude clubs. Establishments are allowed to have both nudity and alcohol which attracts visitors from neighboring states to enjoy both booze and bums. This also means that Portland has the legal and social infrastructure to support two swingers’ clubs, both of which offer the ability to imbibe and have sex onsite.”

HUMP! 2013

Read all about it here!

My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! 

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):



My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren't aware (from Wikipedia):
"The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished."
Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that ;)

Awesome Threesome Experiences

"My 5 Hottest Threesome Experiences" is live on DatingAdvice.com today :) I love this post! So many positive memories, experiences, fantasies, situations to look forward to... And don't forget about my #Threesome #Advanced post I published a couple of weeks ago! (Because that most definitely counts among my hottest threesome experiences)

Cocks & Come

Leaving
Coming
Going
Working
Not Sleeping
Exhausted
Loving
Talking
Crying
Misunderstood, judged, pained, hurt
And then
Catharsis:
in this instance, passivity, submissiveness, pleasure
Lingerie
Tongues, licking, biting, rubbing, stroking, vibrating, and
Coming, coming, coming
Cocks, cocks, cocks
(Six of them, to be exact)
All in the name of pleasure, of adventure, of exploration, of desire, of chemistry, of fantasy, of actualization
Later, lying in bed all I feel is my pussy vibrating with the memory of fingers and tongues and cocks caressing it and pounding it and using it
And all I see in my mind are hard cocks, pulsating

When Group Sex Sucks

For lack of a better word. What I really mean is: boring, uncomfortable, or stressful. My most recent DA post is on this.

These experiences can feel isolating and just plain crappy. Who wants to be the person to put a halt to the fun everyone else seems to be having? But- it's much better to be this person (in a calm, assertive, and communicative way) than to be the person that holds in insecurities, fears, and needs, resulting in a gross group energy. (been there, done that way too many times) It just takes time to figure out what kind of energies, constellations, and contexts work for you, which means sometimes experiencing less-than-ideal situations. Viewing your experiences as vehicles for personal growth will help you retain a sense of fun, adventure, and love, instead of cutting yourself (and potentially your partner) off from new experiences and people.

I failed to mention in my post for DA how crappy group sex can feel when you or your partner breaks a boundary that was agreed to before the encounter. You may find out about the boundary-breaking during or after the encounter, and I think these instances really do just suck. They can wear down the trust between you and your partner, and take a lot of processing and communicating before apologies are made, forgiveness is felt and given, and you can move forward. Again, I think viewing the experience as a vehicle for personal growth can help facilitate feelings of resolution.

Here is the first part of my post on when group sex sucks (make sure to go read the whole thing!):

"Sometimes group sex experiences are amazing and mind-blowing and way more fun than watching 'Batman.'

But sometimes they are boring, uncomfortable or stressful.

I’m going to shed some light on some of my experiences. (Make sure to look at some of my awesome threesome experiences, too!)

Most of my negative experiences with group sex have resulted from feeling uncomfortable with something or being left out or threatened and not speaking up about it.

So even though I didn’t say anything verbally, J. could always tell by my energy, body language and facial expressions, which would make him really uncomfortable.

Without communicating properly, assertively and in the moment, I have had several less-than-ideal group sex experiences.

That being said, each and every one has taught me something about myself and what kind of support I need.

These experiences have also given me a chance to reflect on what I want and how I need to communicate it."

#Threesome #Advanced

Just sayin'. We're pros.

[Spoiler Alert!!] Simultaneous orgasms. With three people. Hot!

Also, it was the Summer Solstice- which is why we planned a hot threesome in the first place. What better way to celebrate summer than with a pagan, super witchy sex ritual??

And!!! It was Happy 3 Months to M and I! So that was super special! So much to celebrate.

M and I started the evening with hanging out and some quickies (yes, the blinds in our bedroom were open; my favorite). M and J needed to study (my life supporting two super busy students) and I worked out. We freshened up and hung out a little more (after M and I successfully maneuvered our first real miscommunication, apology, and forgiveness process- yay for healthy relationships!), and then M and I went up to New Seasons to get picnic-y foods for dinner. We enjoyed meat and cheese and veggie chips and wine, and then the three of us went out for delicious dessert. We talked about our families and other relationships and the Enneagram (love that thing). By the time we got back it was after 12am. 

M had requested threesome porn, so we quickly put that on for background. I was (surprisingly) the last one to get naked this time; I liked mixing it up! (Ha). I remember so much skin, so much oral sex, feeling so much love and connection to these two wonderful people. Two of us spoiling the third and then switching around, daisy chain-ing, sometimes a third just watching the other two. 

The end was just glorious. I was laying on my back. M was straddling me. We were making out. J started fucking M, and there isn't much else that comes as close for me as watching J with another women. I kept coming and coming, with my finger, and then nothing, touching my clit. I got to kiss M and rub her breasts, and I got squeeze J's sexy legs. I could feel the energy pulsating, almost in a straight line, connecting all of us together. I could feel it. I was about to come so hard. And then, surprising I think all of us, we all came at the same time. So so so hot. Magical.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to be honest with J, cuddly with both M and J, and emotionally intimate with M. All of that completely wrapped up a beautiful evening. (And then about 30 minutes later, J was ready for round 2, so we took care of that!)

I have a blog post for DA in the pipeline (already written, just hasn't been published yet) about positive threesome experiences. This one takes the cake over all of those I previously wrote about.

Factors that made it sizzle:
Love. Compersion. Honesty. Emotional intimacy. Porn. Realizing Fantasies. A simultaneous orgasm with three people (have I mentioned that already?)

#Threesome #Advanced

Dirty Talk

My next post went live on DA: "How to Talk Dirty in Bed" I like this one a lot :D

It's not a how-to article at all; it's about my own exposure to dirty talk and the evolution of dirty talk within my primary relationship.

Here's a snippet:

"We fantasize together a lot.

We engage in a lot of fantasy dirty talk about past experiences, experiences planned for the future or true fantasies (they most likely will never happen).
I guess it is helpful that we have similar fantasies and can share them in this way.
Often our fantasies are about me with other men. It turns us both on to insane levels to whisper about me getting men off in various ways and places.
We also fantasize about threesomes with other women and about foursomes with other couples.
We incorporate things that really turn me on, like being tied up, being submissive to men, being dominant to women, being an exhibitionist or having sex in a public place.

It’s true our brain is our biggest sex organ.

Given enough mental stimulation, we both can almost reach orgasm without much physical stimulation.
What I have discovered is: mental stimulation + relaxation + body awareness and being present = a surefire way to have explosively delicious sex.

...

Do you talk dirty during sex, or do you let your partner do all the talking? What are you comfortable verbalizing and what do you keep quiet about? I’d love to hear any experiences you’ve had when talking dirty."

Yay, dirty talk!! And a big, big shout out to our sexy friends, K & J, for being the source of inspiration for this post. I love you both :D And K's filthy, filthy mouth.

Looking for Group Sex

My next article on DA went live: "Looking for Group Sex?" It's not my favorite post I have written for DA, but it'll do. Specifically, I approached it more from a partnered perspective- a couple seeking a third and fourth. But I think there are probably of single people looking to have group sex as well. It made better sense and flow to use one perspective to write it, but I don't want to ignore that population. I also didn't want the post to be heteronormative, and I did my best to identify orientations (gender and sexual)- although there is room for improvement.

I am more excited about all of my upcoming posts for them: safer sex in open relationships, dirty talk, positive threesome experiences, when group sex isn't fun, a description of our swingers' club, and more. I will be blending more of my personal experiences in (or my personal experiences will be the primary focus of the post), and I feel really comfortable sharing things from my personal experience. I can easily speak from my point of view and share things that have been awesome and less awesome in my love and sexual life. I am excited!

I've been distracted from blogging by the Maui weather, but I have some posts coming up soon :)

Threesomes & Moresomes

My next article for DA went live today: "The Secrets to Having a Good Threesome"

Here's an excerpt:

"Key factors to consider and questions to answer:

• Who is OK to invite for group sex (friends, strangers, etc.)?
• How will group sex impact the relationship among the people involved?
• Is it OK if it happens again?
• What are the sexual and emotional boundaries?
• Can you manage jealousy, competitiveness and possessiveness to the extent that a threesome/moresome will be a fun and positive experience?
• What are your safer sex practices for a group sex encounter?
• What is the goal of the group sex encounter (fun, experimentation, closeness, love, etc.)?"

Check it out! :)

My next one for them will be on how to find people for group sex. Hot!

No Expectations

Ever since I posted my Sexuality: Resting post, I have noticed something pretty unexpected: I no longer feel as "resting."

I think it something to do with expectations. I stopped feeling super sexual, so my expectations for sexual things went way down. I just wanted to move through my days and not have any goals for my sexuality or how I express it. Surprisingly, I found myself in situations where all of a sudden things felt easy and comfortable and exciting and fun. I felt like I got what I asked for: to be dropped into situations where I felt safe and comfortable, and things flowed in a positive direction.

We went to our swingers' club and I got tied up. It was really lovely to be half-naked again, in front of a bunch of strangers, relaxing into the rope and feeling the endorphin rush. I felt flirty and sexy. I loved it.

I went on my third date with a girl. And it was super fun and flirty and sexy. And we kissed and it was super hot. It is so nice to be in the presence of flirty, sexy, desirous feminine energy.

And then J and I met up with a couple from another town. I had no expectations, but I was excited to meet another woman who identified as queer; I don't think I have met any in the swinging community (plenty of bi women, but not any that identify as queer). It turned out to be a completely hot and amazing night. The group dynamic was super flow-y, sweet, and hot. Both people were fun and funny, sexy, communicative, thoughtful, and mellow. It was really nice to have such a positive group sex experience. And it took me totally by surprise, because I wasn't even expecting to have an experience like that. It was amazing for me to have the chance to be with a woman sexually- we were both into each other and the situation, and we gave ourselves the space to relish each other's bodies before it became group sex.

I think sometimes just letting things go- expectations, goals, preconceived ideas, feelings and "lessons" from past experiences- can mean allowing yourself to be completely open to the present, and open to having new and positive experiences. I found myself in a space where I didn't feel anxious at all (I haven't had that in a while in a group sex experience), and I was just in my zone. And it was because I let myself completely let go of past uncomfortable experiences and feelings, and focus on how much fun the present moment was.

Mmm Quite the Weekend

We met some new sexy friends, and they rocked our world!! Love that! Meeting other attractive, intelligent (emotionally, socially, sexually, cognitively), thoughtful, and yummy people undoes J and I. It is so awesome. We hadn't met a couple that we clicked with and felt chemistry with in so long. It was refreshing and amazing. Yummy pretty much describes it. Yuummmmm :D It also amps up our sex... which is so much fun! Cock sheaths + my Hitachi = heaven.


We went to the big Halloween party at our swingers club, and we went as a politician (Eliot Spitzer) and his call girl... haha! When I went to buy a dress, the women at the lingerie store said "Well, you definitely need something with leopard print!" Is that a stereotype of sex workers? Leopard print?? We completed the look with J wearing his sexy smokin' suit and an American flag lapel pin, and me with cash sticking out of my barely-there dress (when I brought it home, J was like "Oh! That's you dress?? I thought you were showing me a shirt!" hahaha). Anyways, as our friend who works there described it, it was definitely a "show night": so many people who were there were "once a year" swingers, or people who went so they could tell their vanilla friends that they had gone to a swingers club. There were definitely orgies going on, which is not that common for a regular weekend night. The number of people in there was overwhelming for both of us, and so although we may have otherwise played there, we stuck to socializing, meeting new people, and dancing. It was really great :D

And even though I bought new shoes for the night, and my feet were killing me, J convinced me to dance in the cage and take off my dress. And I absolutely loved it. Even though I have been dancing, the experiences of dancing as work and dancing in our club are two completely different things for me. I dated a girl for a bit a while ago who used to dance, and she was astounded that people just got naked at our club. I remember her saying "I'm used to people paying me to take off my clothes. I am not going to take mine off for nothing!" It was so interesting, too, because last night a girl got in the cage and she clearly had stripper moves. And she didn't take any clothes off. What is it about stripping that makes some dancers value their nakedness so much? Well it's obvious, I guess. If your naked body is now a commodity, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense that you would show it off for free. And yet, I have not felt that for myself. I still totally get off dancing at our club. It feels so much more like "my space," and because I clearly recognize it as not work, but as going out and having fun, and because it was a favorite activity of mine before I started dancing, there would be no reason why I wouldn't still enjoy it.

Today was the first day that I felt some hesitation about going to work. I think is has more to do with the fact that I didn't get a whole lot of sleep this weekend than anything to do with dancing, but I want to make sure to pay attention to those feelings. I ended up having a pretty fun shift, and am looking forward to working tomorrow :) 

No Dating For Now... But Can We Fuck?

The emotional aspect of dating is something I have not been up for. Going through a messy break-up a couple of months ago coupled with my weekly intense counseling sessions means that I don't have much emotional capacity for another romantic relationship. It has been very rewarding for me to intentionally take a step out of the dating scene and focus on my emotional needs in a way that I haven't... maybe ever. The sexual and physical aspects of swinging and more casual encounters... those are things that I am up for.

The reaching out, the emails, the time and energy it takes to get to know someone else on my own... it all sounds intense (and kind of exhausting, to be honest). I just don't have the interest in doing all of that. When I am interested, though, the time and energy that dating takes are hardly factors I consider. The energy it takes to meet couples feels different for me, because they are activities and processes that I do with J. It feels like we help each other out, in terms of communicating with people, remembering details about other people's lives, and feeling out new situations. Meeting couples does take a lot of the same intentionality, I realize: I have to write emails, and meet people in person. But like I said, it feels differently for me because it's a shared activity for J and I. It's almost like our energy feeds off of each other and my energy grows for meeting people together (and doing people together, ha!). I don't have enough motivation and interest on my own in building a separate romantic relationship.

I have a few crushes in my life right now. And the feelings I experience from them are really nice. I love that warm feeling in my stomach when I see that person, and the excitement that results.

And part of me wishes we could just... you know, get it on. But for some people, I think it just seems to rushed and too casual. (I know I definitely feel that way at times. Sometimes I really do want that time to build more of an emotional connection and relationship, and often I need that as well. But not in my current space.) Casual sex with someone I am really attracted to sounds so hot. If it was that easy... I think I would enjoy casual sex more often than I do.

Sometimes Fantasies are Just Fantasies...

...and sometimes dreams really do come true.

Yes, you heard me correctly. Sometimes dreams really do come true.

Is reality ever as good as the fantasy? Should we always try to make a fantasy a reality? Or should we accept a fantasy as such and keep it reserved for whispers and aching insides?

I have accepted that sometimes this is the case. For example, I still have sex dreams about my high school crush. We never talked. We weren't friends. And yet I have this image built up in my mind from high school: my fantasy of being with him. And it is still with me. But would I ever try to actually realize this fantasy? No. It stays with me, in my head, as part of my personal sex life. Similarly, I have little mini crushes on a few different people in my life right now, but for reasons I am saving for another post, I don't have the intent of moving those crushes beyond the crush stage. The feelings that crushes create, and the fantasies that result from them, are delicious. And sometimes it is more than enough to simply enjoy those fantasies. (The idea of a fantasy is so fascinating to me, too, because my fantasies are very much just images and feelings. For J, I think they are much more detailed and specific. If I am fantasizing about a particular person or act, I am usually just fantasizing about how I feel. I think J is fantasizing about details and an actual sequence of events.)

But other times... other times, we make it happen. Like, finally. 

If you are not picking up on this yet, I am actually referring to our gang bang fantasy. It happened, folks, and now we're both just hooked.

First of all, let me discuss the use of the terms "gang bang" versus the term we created, "goddess worship." They are two qualitatively different fantasies. In the first, I give up control, I am submissive, I am completely dominated in a hyper-masculine environment. In the second, I am completely catered to and I feel worshiped through the comments and actions of the people involved. I have both fantasies. I still do not like the term "gang bang." I need another phrase to get across the idea of giving up control and letting my body be used by a bunch of hungry men. "Gang bang" does not accurately describe my fantasy because, to me, "gang bang" connotes violence and coercion, and neither of those things are part of my fantasy. I guess I will just have to keep thinking on it.

So. It was amazing. Four friends plus J meant I had my hands (and other parts) full for a good two hours. I was so mentally turned on that there was a wet spot on the bed bigger than I have ever made before (I wish I could have filmed that for our squirting-loving friends!!). The vulnerability I felt and the resulting excitement was incredible. We started off with me going down on everyone. Then J went down on me and fingered me. And then J turned them loose. Within ten seconds I had a cock in my pussy, a cock in my mouth, and another one in my hand. They rotated through, changing my position from on my back to doggy style to me riding them. Spit roast (me in doggy style while going down on someone) is one of my favorite positions, and I got that a lot. We used the bed restraints and I was blind folded part of the time. Everyone came... many times. And after they all left, J and I reconnected emotionally and physically, and that was amazing. And we have continued to reconnect all day today.

There is more to my "gang bang" fantasy that we did not get to experience. Namely, I want to be a cum slut. And because I am Ms. Public Health, that is a no-go. It makes me so hot to think about four or five or ten loads in my pussy. Jesus. But that just ain't gonna happen. And that is part of the fantasy that will stay as part of our whispers and aches during our play and lovin' time.

And now I am in the midst of planning something a similar encounter to celebrate J's birthday... Only this time it will be filmed, as a surprise for J (as in, he is not as involved with the planning and he won't be there for it). I am so excited to create another experience that we can watch again, and again, and again.

Swinging into the fall

We had some amazingly sexy friends in town last weekend... And took them to our swinger's club for their first foray into a club (we love taking swinger club virgins!!! haha! it reignites our excitement for the place and the people there). And had some hot, hot sexy times!! Both are intelligent, hot, fun, and genuine people... just the kind of partners that both J and I love to spend (sexy and not sexy) time with. It felt so good to spend quality time with people we enjoy so much and also enjoy some low-pressure sexy times. It felt so good to do with them as friends, and also felt really good within the space of our relationship. We needed that low-pressure and fun experience. It was refreshing and rejuvenating.

I had a wake-up moment while we were with them, too: I am so into women. Goodness. After a month of heartache and disappointment, I had forgotten. Almost. Totally remembered after 30 seconds how I feel when I dig a chick. Really hot.

I only wished that they lived a teensy bit closer. Like in the same state would be nice, for starters :)

My Gang Bang / Goddess Worship Fantasy

Read this on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

***

Want to know part of my gangbang/goddess worship fantasy? Read on, read on:

J drops me off at the hotel, where he warms me up. He goes down on me, makes me squirt, but keeps me from orgasm. He leaves me to get all dolled up and to play with my vibrators and dildos, but I will not be allowed to orgasm yet. I wear some sexy lingerie and jewelry and heels. J goes out and meets a group of men (5-15) at a bar near the hotel, and makes sure everyone is still comfortable with the rest of the evening. When everyone is ready, he leads everyone back to our room, where he will first come in alone. He blindfolds me and puts my arms and legs in the bed restraints. He calls me a little gangbang slut and tells me know that there are a bunch of guys waiting to have their way with me. Soon after, he lets everyone in.

When everyone comes in, J fingers me and goes down on me so you can see how I squirt and orgasm. Then I want whoever is ready first to penetrate me and fuck me for a few minutes to warm my pussy up. Without cumming, he takes his cock out of my pussy so that J can fuck me until he comes. Then the first guy can resume fucking me and fuck me as hard and long as he wants until he comes. While this is going on, I want someone to put his cock in my mouth, and I want a cock in each of my hands. When my pussy is free, I want someone else to start using it. After a while, I want the restraints off so that I can use my arms and hands more freely. I want some men to hold my arms and legs down while someone fucks me. I want to be put into whatever positions suits my group. I love doggy style. I would love to be flipped from my back to my stomach and back again. I love spit roast- being fucked from behind while I go down on someone else. I want cock in my face the whole night. I want everyone to come as many times as everyone wants, and I want everyone walking away satisfied. I want to be spanked, my hair pulled, and to be called slut and whore. I want to use the restraints and to be held down. I want come on my ass, tits, face, stomach and legs. I crave being a cumslut. If I ever get tired, I want to simply lay on the bed while everyone uses my pussy. Then I want everyone to slowly leave so that J can pound me and use my pussy for a second or third or fourth time.

***

I fantasize about this so much. J and I have become "those people" that use Craigslist as a sex toy. We have posted several ads to create one of these events, and for some reason or another, they don't manifest (STI concerns, surgeries, family obligations, etc.). I really do hope that at some point in my life, I am able to experience my fantasy and live it out. Because I know. I know it will be super, super hot, hot, hot.

Mind Melting!

Alright, it's high time for this blog post.

Short story: I have been dating this amazing and beautiful girl. J and beautiful girl hit it off, too. We have the most amazing threesomes of my life. My mind melted.

Longer story: We invited D to go down to CA with us. J had been flirting with her the week before, and J and I had been having hot, hot, HOT sex fantasizing about having her with us. I didn't think anything sexual was going to happen among the three of us, but J was certain of it. I am glad we didn't bet on it, because J would have definitely won. 

Picture this: beautiful house, pool, hot tub, a king size bed. Menage a trois wine (corny but perfect, right??). Lots of flirting and good conversations. Beautiful, fit bodies. Naked in the hot tub. She and I start to kiss and touch each other. And then... I don't even remember how it all flowed from one minute to the next. All I know is that it was one of the most extraordinary sexual experiences of my life. It felt totally shocking and gorgeous and fantastic. Like all of the stars in the night sky above us were swirling around and around and exploded in my brain. Seriously. It was that good. And then I was laughing so hard I almost started to cry. The happiness and satisfaction and love I felt made my heart and stomach and whole body ache and shudder.

Whew. And it happened again and again.

There are always other emotions and experiences and perceptions to any story, as there are for this one as well. But this post is dedicated to the beautiful craziness of the our amazing, amazing CA threesomes. (And I realize now that this post isn't very long. But sometimes more words take away from a story. So here it is. Short and very, very extra sweet.)

GW Update!

We have been asked by many loyal readers and friends... what the heck happened with the Goddess Worship?!?!

It didn't happen. 

Many factors contributed to us canceling it. The main issue was the inability to find men who could provide STI testing paperwork from the past six months. (Side note: part of this is definitely related to our persistence in remaining STI-free. This is also related, however, to the level of honesty and transparency we expect in our partners. We now realize that is a lot to ask for and try to find!!) Another issue was finding men who were physically attractive and intelligent. Another issue was that our Craigslist ad was flagged and removed about ten times in two days, making it more difficult to find people who would be interested in this encounter.

We decided that this is a better fantasy to enact once we have accumulated a few more sexy friends who can lend us themselves or their male counterparts for an evening. Having that level of comfort and trust established first will make it easier for us to live out this fantasy.

Until then... K will continue to explore her exhibitionist side, dancing in the cage at our sex club!!

Goddess Worship

Goddess Worship is our new term for the common phrase "gang bang." I do not like that term because of its connotations with violence, coercion, and rape. Goddess Worship (GW) more accurately reflects the spirit of a multiple men-one woman encounter for us: it is mutually desired, it is about one woman being pleasured by many men, and also about the woman's desires and fantasies (including her fantasy of getting many men off at once!).

J and I had no idea this was a "thing" for us before we started all of our conversations and opening up six months ago. Since our two MFM experiences, we have had sexy pillow talk about inviting more men into the encounter, leading to multi-amazing orgasms. We need to make this happen.

What? J wants to do it too? YES! J gets so turned on watching me with other men, and gets so turned on just thinking about it! Sperm competition theory may explain this reaction: evolutionarily, men want to get in on the action so their sperm stand a chance of impregnating the lucky lady. A Billion Wicked Thoughts did a decent job of discussing this theory, and how it explains the popularity of "gang bang" porn among straight men. Sex at Dawn nails its discussion of the theory as well.


The idea of this happening again brings up issues related to casual and intimate sex. We decided that our need to be comfortable with a man is greatly reduced in this situation. Unlike in an MFM where the second M is joining our play, in a GW, it is more about the numbers. I definitely wouldn't want to invite any skeaze-bag into our encounter; I definitely want and need a high level of respect and attraction. But I don't need to want to hang out with a guy or know what he does for fun on the weekend. You need numbers to make a GW awesome. And right now we are shooting for 5-8 other men.


I have gotten off so far on just the thought of this happening... now that it will happen soon I have been trying to evaluate my reaction. Will I actually like it? Will I feel bad turning someone away? Will I be able to effectively communicate what I want to do? Will I be weirded out with men I don't know very well? Will J be as turned on in the moment as he is when he thinks and talks about it? All signs point to a positive experience so far, and I am excited to see if it really is the fantasy I have made it out to be and what new things it brings up for J and I to talk about!

What Counts as Sex?

What qualifies as sex is a question that has come up quite a few times for K and I since we started into this “lifestyle” and it has come up in several different contexts. K and I often find ourselves referring to penetrative intercourse as sex and other things by different terms even though we both think that “sex” encompasses far more than just sexual intercourse.

One of the incidents that caused us to question what qualifies as “sex” is same-sex play. It seems that many people we have met in the lifestyle have jealousy issues when their partner is with someone of the opposite sex but that they do not have the same jealousy issues when their partner is with someone of the same sex. What is the reason for this? Is it because they are less concerned their partner will leave them for someone of the same sex? Is it because they think their partner is not enjoying it as much? Is it because they themselves get more satisfaction from watching it (girl on girl seems to be a major turn on for most men)?  Or is it some other reason altogether?

K and I have run into many couples in the lifestyle only looking to add another woman to their sex lives and have no interest in additional men. We have found that many people want to add an additional women for one of three reasons: 1) the women is bisexual and the man is not, so by adding an additional woman, the woman is able to fulfill her sexual desire to be with a woman within the confines of a “monogamish” relationship (term blatantly stolen from Dan Savage) 2) it is a fantasy for the man and the couple is seeking to make that fantasy a reality and 3) both partners want to be with other women and neither partner is interested in having another man to have sex with.

The reason that I included the previous paragraph in this post is because of reason #1 that people choose to add an additional women; it seems to be closely connected to the idea of “what is sex?” We have spoken with many people where the woman controls the entire open relationship experience and the man simply goes along with whatever the woman wants. This is fine so long as all people involved (including the woman being invited to participate) are happy and fulfilled by the situation and the rules and boundaries and discussed openly and honestly by everyone involved (see previous post about rules- specifically equality of rules). Often times these “woman-controlled couples” entered the lifestyle as a result of the woman recognizing, after entering into a long-term monogamous relationship with a man, that she is bisexual.

With these “woman-controlled couples” that choose to add an additional woman to the mix in order to fulfill their bisexual urges, there often seems to be a disconnect in regards to what counts as “sex.” What I mean by this is that the couple is often okay with allowing an additional woman to participate in their sex so long as that woman only plays with and desires to be with the female half of the couple. Many couples seem to be in a balancing act in which the couple trades off their strong desire to be monogamous and shield themselves from issues of jealousy with a strong desire to also allow the woman to fulfill her bisexual fantasies. But why is this a shield?

The reason that K and I think that this may be a shield for some couples is because women having sex with other women is not “threatening” to a relationship for many people because it is people of the same sex; perhaps for many women, women playing with other women is not threatening to a relationship because it is “play” that is on the “light and casual” end of the spectrum rather than the “deep and emotional” side of the spectrum.  Perhaps it is not threatening to some people, because there is not a lot of emotional meaning attached to “play” for many women merely seeking to explore their “bi side.”

Whatever the reason we think it should be acknowledged that same-sex “play” is just as much “sex” as that between different-sex people. Whatever a couple’s reason for wanting to include only an additional woman into their sex, we feel that the fact that same-sex “play” is “sex” should still be acknowledged.

Another situation where we have encountered this idea about what qualifies as “sex” is in the distinction between purely physical sex and intimate sex.  This is a different idea in the sense that we are discussing what qualifies as “sex” not based on the actual physical acts or the people that those acts are between, but whether or not something is “sex” based on whether or not it is accompanied by intimacy and deep emotional feelings.

The authors of The Ethical Slut also include a section on what counts as “sex,” and how different erotic and intimate encounters can count as “sex” depending on the people involved and the levels of expectations, desires, and needs. One extremely interesting piece of their discussion includes a story from a sex worker who was one day paid by a regular client to simply lay with him and talk. She described it as the most sexual experience of her life, simply because there was a level of intimacy and care present in that situation.

For us, we like the word “play” to encompass a wide range of sexual activities that we enjoy with a wide range of people and situations (post on that specifically to follow!) We think, ultimately, that “sex” can describe many sexual encounters, from manual stimulation to oral, anal, and vaginal stimulation and intercourse.

The Elusive FMF- Is it really all it is cracked up to be?

K and I recently had the chance to experience an FMF thanks to a willing and adventurous woman from a couple that we have become close with recently.  First of all, I want to thank that other woman for being so adventurous and willing to hop right in and try something completely new despite being fairly new to all of this.

So, to put the FMF in perspective for our readers it is important to know that for K, this was all about my pleasure. :-)  K, while comfortable playing with other women and occasionally turned on by those experiences, is primarily straight.  This meant that her motivation for inviting another woman to join us was primarily about turning me on and allowing me to have the experience of two women who were both there and interested in playing with me. 

In my imagination (yes I have thought about this before. . . a lot) this scenario sounded awesome but as this scenario started to seem more like a real possibility, I began to question whether this was something that I was really even interested in.  Since the option to play with other women is already available to me through couple play, group play, separate play, and other types of play, it meant that the only benefit of an FMF was literally having two women pleasing me at the same time.  Because, if I just wanted to be with other women, I could experience that through couple play or single play with other women in a one-on-one type setting. 

When I actually thought (realistically, not just fantasizing) about the logistics of the scenario I realized that I am always more than satisfied with just one woman in the bedroom.  I cannot recall a single time in my life when the woman I was with was completely drained while I lay there wanting more. This is especially true with K who is always more than willing to make sure I am satisfied by using her hands, mouth, toys, etc. in order to make sure that I am completely satisfied!

So, while the FMF sounded fun as a new experience to try (because, after all, you have to try something once to know whether or not you like it) I was not entirely sure how the logistics of the actual scenario would work out.

Not to sound completely ungrateful for the chance to try out this experience and for these two beautiful and open women who were willing to make this happen for me but. . . I am not sure that the reality of the situation really lived up to the fantasy.  To be perfectly honest, at times it felt like twice as much work without a lot of added benefit.  Throughout the situation I felt like it was quite difficult to just act naturally and follow my urges because I was constantly worried about a variety of things such as: whether or not I was giving equal time to both women, whether both women were satisfied, and if there were jealousy issues coming up. Even with the Hitachi Magic Wand as my partner, I was constantly trying to make sure that both women were satisfied, getting enough attention and enjoying the experience. It became somewhat overwhelming to keep track of all of these different factors and I sort of wished that I was alone and fantasizing about the experience rather than actually in the situation.  I think that as I feel more comfortable with K and more trusting of her ability to honestly communicate when she is having feelings of jealousy, an FMF experience will be more satisfying.  However, at the point we were at when we had this FMF, I was unsure about whether or not K was honestly communicating with me about her desire to have this experience.  Because of all of the emotional complications of this particular FMF, the sex was not quite as spectacular as there is likely potential for.

Besides all of the mental turn offs of attempting an FMF that I learned from my first attempt at an FMF, I confirmed that one woman is more than enough to satisfy me.  In my relationship I am almost always ready to be done with sex and to fall asleep before K.  Adding in a second woman who also needed physical attention, penetration, and kissing was simply more work than I was able to handle physically while still ensuring that both women were physically satisfied.  Thank goodness for the Hitachi Magic Wand because without that amazing device, these women would have been expecting way too much out of me.

While the FMF was overall a good experience, due in very large part to the wonderful women who made this experience possible, it was not everything that I imagined.  Perhaps I simply built up this situation too much in my mind.  The reality of the situation was that there were twice as many women in the room all expecting to leave the situation physically satisfied and there was a huge potential for emotional issues that left me feeling overwhelmed.  I look forward to trying this situation again in the future as it was overall a good experience but if it never happens again, I am just thankful for the opportunity I had to explore this with these two women.