My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.
Here's my intro:
In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That
is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by
commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to
other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your
communication transparent and striving to know and understand your
partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What
are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for
more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The
foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as
sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and
insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things
about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t
give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If
they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it
as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.
I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:
Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched
I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?
I'm very thankful for this blog as a way to make sure I keep track of relationship-y things... definitely including our Party!
It was really just a fabulous time. We got down to southern Oregon on Wednesday very late, and we both were so excited to see our friends and family. Thursday we took an easy day and were able to spend time with my family, extended family, and some of J's extended family. Dinner, frozen yogurt.. we also met with our photographer, who was great and also kind of a nut. Friday I spent the afternoon with our woman Friends of Honor (my sister and her GF, my cousin, my two best friends from high school, my mom) getting our nails done. I thought I was going to cry when I saw my friends from high school- I hadn't seen either of them in over two years! They're just the same, but older, doing more adult things in their day-to-day. I love them so much.
That night we had our rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and it was so fabulous. I am so glad that J and I made the decision to tell our officiant (the minister I grew up with) about our relationship last summer, because his extra remarks about our independence and strength and bravery were really special and moving to me. He is such an energetic and peaceful person, and it felt amazing to have him speak as our officiant. I was pretty nervous all Friday evening interacting with J's parents and sister and brother-in-law; I had a stomachache the whole time and felt a little on edge, but I interacted with them minimally and did my best staying focused on everyone else there. It was pretty loving to experience that his parents and sister behaved politely and mostly warmly towards us.
That night we went to clothing optional hot springs with our fabulous sexy friends, J's men Friends of Honor and couple of their partners, J's brother, and J's sister and brother-in-law. I definitely got naked, which was an interesting choice. I had a lot of fun, but I don't know if J's sister and brother-in-law did. (I can't control if they did or not! But I know it was an interesting layer on top of everything else- ie them finding out about our relationship.)
J and I stayed together at the fancy hotel in downtown both Friday and Saturday night, and it was really nice to have a space completely to ourselves to relax in. I woke up early Saturday morning for hair time- the woman who cut my hair from infancy traveled up to Oregon from California to do my hair and all of the other girls'! It was really fun. It was a great way to spend more time with all the girls, and to catch up with my hair lady!
Photos started midday, and I just love that. I am such a ham, and I had so much fun with our whole group dorking around town. We walked down through town, into the park, playing around trees and on jungle gyms and in fountains. We arrived at the park about 45 minutes prior to the ceremony, drank water, said hello to guests arriving (a couple of old college friends, former supervisors from college, and other people we hadn't seen in forever! AND several of our lovely sexy friends!)... and it also gave me time to get nervous. I was having performance anxiety!! The thought of being in front of so many people, having them witness something so personal, private, and vulnerable made me nervous. Right before J and I walked in together we held hands and he helped me shake the nervousness out. (Thanks lover boy!)
And the ceremony was beautiful. I am so proud of the words we chose.
Afterwards: more photos, and so much socializing. It was so great!!
The food was fabulous. Mexican buffet, delicious cupcakes. The band was totally rockin'. We danced so much! I felt like I was going to throw up at one point. Yes, it was that good. Ha!
I cried when it was time to say bye to my (long-distance) friends. Even though I don't feel connected to my vanilla friends in the same way as I do to my sexy friends, we share a history and friendship that is important to me. And I miss them.
We spent the night after the reception with J's guy friends, chatting in our hotel room. It was really fun. Despite our sexy friends' and my woman friends' best efforts of making our honeymoon suite sexy (flowers, relaxing music on an iPad, lube, chocolate, wine) we were both exhausted and were more satisfied with socializing with people we don't get to see often enough.
We woke up the next day saying:
Let's do that again!
That was pretty perfect.
I loved everything!
BEST PARTY EVER!!!
That's the best, yeah?
And then the best honeymoon came! A trip to Glacier National Park for ten days, with the tail end in Canada (my first trip to Canada, wahoo!). We hiked our butts off, camped, stayed in historic lodges, and ate lots of pie and ice cream. Another fabulous experience for what I feel is a fabulous relationship.
We sent the following message to many of the people in our lives that have supported us unconditionally since we opened up over two years ago. I wanted to be sure to post it here for those of you I didn't get in touch with personally, so that you know, too, that J and I deeply appreciate you.
We want to express the deepest gratitude to everyone in our life who has shown us support and love in the past two years since we opened our relationship.
J ended up telling his mom last week that we have an open relationship. Long story short, we now know what it's like to have a negative coming out experience. The silver lining of the experience is receiving the reminder that we have so many other supportive and loving people in our lives.
We have been blessed with many open-minded and loving people in our life, and we feel lucky to have a community of friends and family that truly support us in our journeys of independence, interdependence, love, happiness, and health. Thank you from the deepest places in our hearts for being part of our intentional family and for giving us the space to be who we are. We love you all so much and appreciate each and every one of you for the value that you add to our lives.
Finally, we want to acknowledge and appreciate all of you for taking time out of your lives to come to X in a few weeks (and of course acknowledge and appreciate those of you who cannot come to X for our party for whatever reason; we love and appreciate you all, too!). We are so excited to celebrate the relationship we have built over the past 7 years and plan on continuing indefinitely with the continued love and support and help all of you have already provided so much of. Thank you to all of you for making us a priority in your lives - we certainly would not have made it to this point without you.
We Love You! And can't wait to party in August!!
K&J
I talked with one of my closest friends last night, and she and I talked about something that has been on my mind but I didn't include it in my previous post. She talked about she and her boyfriend have also had lengthy conversations about the romance, including the lack of it, in their relationship. And she mentioned that she has started appreciating daily stuff more- when he cleans up the apartment or makes dinner. Which reminded me of something that J said the other night, which was that he had felt romantic toward me all day while he went grocery shopping and made a really amazing dinner.
Which also reminds me of different "love languages"- touch, verbal, actions, etc. I am definitely a "touch" person by instinct, while I know J is more of an "action" person. It's learning to recognize how we express love and devotion in our own ways, and appreciating that expression even if it's not something that innately speaks to us.
And, we received a really amazing email from our sister-in-law who read my first post. She expressed exactly the concept above, and encouraged me to reframe and redefine "romance." I think redefining the concept is really important so that I can continually recognize the "romantic" actions that J engages in (cleaning the apartment, watering the plants, cutting our dog's hair, grocery shopping, etc). Redefining romance to include these things makes my "romantic" life feel a lot more full than it did, and also makes the thing that I feel is lacking (romantic and sensual touch) feel like less of a big deal (still really important to me, but a more manageable deal).
Thank you friends and family for supporting us!! It makes struggling feel a whole lot less alienating and it gives me much-needed perspective.
I love my vanilla friends. One in particular has been extremely supportive and understanding of J and I having an open relationship. I don't know what I would do without her.
After venting to her for some time (for probably the third or fourth time in a month), she said "You know, you guys agreed to do this [have an open relationship], and I am wondering, maybe just piss or get off the pot?" Essentially, she was telling me that J and I have to do the things we both need from each other, even if they are difficult. Otherwise, how is our relationship even fun or satisfying?
On the one hand, yes: simplicity is awesome and is sometimes the best approach. If there are things that make either one of us uncomfortable, but not painfully, heart-wrenchingly so, then we need to suck it up for a bit. Move through difficult emotions, ask for what we need, give each other what we need, and move on.
On the other hand: it's almost too simple. There are always complicating factors that get in the way of such simple advice. One or both of us feels unable to completely give what the other needs. Thinking about other relationships can get in the way of focusing on each other. Thinking only about what one of us needs also gets in the way. I have done this both ways: I have thought only about myself at times, and at other times I have only thought about what J needs. Both approaches lack the comprehensiveness and compassion an open relationship warrants, and always leaves one of us out. It's also too black-and-white for me. There is always a middle, grey area, where perhaps you are halfway on the pot... or at least readjusting yourself.
Thinking about it more, though, makes me realize: yes, if we could both agree to such a simple idea, then it seems like negotiations and communication could be a smoother process.
Even though my beautiful vanilla friend doesn't give advice from a poly/open perspective, I can always count on her for reassurance and honesty. And while the phrase isn't one I would have chosen myself when thinking about our relationship, I think it rings with some truth about the commitment it takes for any relationship to work.
Yikes! I can't believe I haven't posted in a month and a half! That is way too long... and it's not because we haven't been pursuing open opportunities, communicating, negotiating, and having fun... that is precisely why I haven't posted in so long (that, and school has literally been steam-rolling me. speaking of which, I am procrastinating from writing a take-home final, but I just can't concentrate on that anymore right now!)... but now for an update!!
So... Valentine's Day=awesome. J got some "X-Rated Valentine's Candy Hearts," the Tenga Air-Flip sleeve, and a subscription to Cosmo. Yes, Cosmo. He likes to read the insane pieces of advice and "insight" into the male brain. For example: you can tell how much a guy is into you by how he holds your hand. If you and your sweetie hold hands and you hold onto each other with your free hand, that means he is really into you- the possessiveness is a key (positive) indicator that he is into you. Whoa.
Dun-dun-dun-dun!! We got engaged! February 18, baby! (officially) We had a very long pre-engagement, as we got my ring right before Thanksgiving. Because we wanted to exchange rings (and yes, believe us, our families do not get it), we had to wait until J's got made. His ring finally arrived on Valentine's Day, and we had a lovely weekend going out to dinner and proposing to each other with letters we wrote to each other. Cute, right?!?
We have had a few ups and downs over the past month and a half, mostly related to unknown expectations and communication issues. For the most part, we have retained our sense of cool and gotten through them much more smoothly than bumps in the past. I think the more experiences we have where something might trigger one of us, our refractory periods of needing time to process and think and get over an insecurity or jealousy shortens. For example, my last "bump" so to speak only set me back a few hours. If this situation had happened a few months ago, I think it would have lasted a day or so. Progress!! I have also identified some of our most common communication errors: insufficient information about a partner or interest in a partner, and selective hearing (not really listening to something the other one is saying, but hearing what we want to hear). Identifying these common slips is helpful when communicating, so we can both do it better.
I have continued my vagina quest.. In fact, I met a lovely lady a couple of weeks ago through CL, and she's pretty awesome. It hasn't gone very far very fast, but that is fine. We are having a good time so far, so that counts!
J and I have continued to explore our fantasies together... including very dirty dirty talk, spanking, and hair pulling. All in all, I have been burning the candle at both ends...and really need more sleep (who am I kidding?? I would WAY rather get an hour or two less of sleep if I am having kinky, hot sex!)
Another thing that has happened recently that I feel compelled to share is that a very near and dear person to me came out to me in a couple of different ways. She recently started dating women, and is creating an open relationship with a new primary partner. How much she shared with me is completely breathtaking, and I just feel so honored that she included me. I had told her about our relationship last summer, and I remember feeling so nervous to. I hadn't told a lot of people at that point yet, but I had a feeling she would be open, receptive, and respectful of it. J and I are continually amazed at how if we are honest with people, people usually respond with honesty. I think it is wonderful that I was able to share so much of myself with her, and she in return trusted me enough to share her experiences with me.
We recently hosted some vanilla friends. In fact, it was a friend I had in elementary school that I hadn't seen since. She and her husband live not too far away from us, and decided they wanted to check out our neck of the woods. I thought it would be great if they stayed with us (despite my uber-stress over school- not a great decision), and it ended up being pretty fun to see them. However, it made both of us realize how open we are with our lives, and how open we love to be with our sexy friends. I remembered that not every couple will disclose their sex life, kinks, fantasies, values, etc with us... J and I were even a little embarrassed when our friends found us in the sex section at the bookstore (not really-we know that is nothing to be embarrassed about-but it was a shock to remember that not everyone talks about sex, haha).
Looking forward... I can't believe that J and I have been open almost a year. April 1 is our anniversary of opening up, and I am planning on posting a reflection of the past year. I am also taking an independent class next quarter on human sexuality, and the instructor gave me some great stuff to read! I'm sure those books will make their way into the blog. She is also having me present to her undergrad class on a couple of topics of my choice... I will definitely present on alternatives to monogamy :) I also bought "The Sex Diaries Project" and "Sexual Intelligence" and am hoping to read them over our spring break- look for reviews of those, too!!
Happy March!
