Satisfying Connections & Emotions

Read this on my new blog, SexualityReclaimed :)

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I had a really fabulous weekend reconnecting with lovely people!

Not too long ago in counseling, I was telling my therapist that it sort of seemed to be the nature of having an open relationship that I experience loss often: Well we used to date them, and then we didn’t, and then we were friends, and now we haven’t seen them recently, and I miss seeing them. Oh, and I was dating her and it was an amazing experience, and now that relationship is just gone. And they live further away and we just don’t see them very often. Etc. etc. It makes for a dynamic social network, with people changing from new friends to play partners to close friends to romantic partners to close friends to more distant friends and back to close friends. It can be a lot for me to keep up with emotionally.

But this weekend we got to spend time with a lot of the people that I hold extremely close to my heart. Out dinner with some amazing friends that we haven’t spent much time with this fall; catching up, laughing, and eating felt so good. Some social and sexy time with our other sweet friends who we see a couple times a month; comfortable, relaxing, and satisfying social time and group sex always feels connecting for me. And our other besties over for dinner another night: real conversation about our real “stuff” made me feel totally in tune with them once again. Having some real social interactions with the people who I/we have gone through so much with in the past couple of years was deeply needed I think. And so I am so grateful that this weekend opened up and gave me all of that.

Now to switch gears for a minute:

J and I were at our swingers club on Friday (when I/we had social and sexy time), and it was the first time that J played with another person without me. And I was totally fine. I kept scanning myself for negative reactions and emotions, and I simply didn’t have them. There were pieces in place that allowed me to feel so comfortable, and hopeful that he had a good time. Our sweet friends were there, and I am so comfortable with them, that I just folded myself into them. If they hadn’t been there, I think I may have experienced some social anxiety. Also, J’s slight ambivalence about the situation helped me feel completely non-threatened by the person and proposed play. So, it would have been a different story I think if I didn’t have friends to be with and if J had fallen in love with this person at first sight. But as it was, it was totally relaxing to experience the compersive and easy nature of the situation.

This weekend was full of things to make my heart full and grateful: amazing friends, real connection, and pleasant, loving emotions. Happiness. Love. Sexy times. Yummy food.

(Not a bad way to kick off a week that will be full of family- I’m sure I’ll be writing on various things sparked by the holiday coming up. It’s really awesome to have so many positive connections and emotions salient before I embark on family time.)

Rough Patches in Our Open Relationship

My latest DA post went live: The Cons I've Experienced in My Open Relationship.

This one was tough for me to write at the time, and is still not my favorite to read. It's just kind of downer for me to reflect on some of the major difficulties I have had! Haha :) But I suppose it's also a great thing to see that I/we got through them.

Recognizing the Third in Monogamous Relationships

My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.

Here's my intro:

In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your communication transparent and striving to know and understand your partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.

I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:

Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched 

I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?

Jealousy Teleseminar

I was happy to listen to a jealousy teleseminar facilitated by Kathy Labriola and Dawn Davidson last week. They discussed some new techniques for managing jealousy- who doesn't like those?? :)

One of these techniques was Kathy's jealousy pie chart- you can read more about it in her new Jealousy Workbook (available for pre-order). Essentially, you create a pie chart and assign what she names as the three main emotions behind jealousy: sadness, anger, and fear. By targeting which emotions, and inquiring further into what specifically you are sad, angry, or fearful about, you can work on drastically cutting down your experience of jealousy. Here was the quick pie chart I constructed while I was on the phone last week (the questions are taken from one of the worksheets Kathy provided; I bolded those things that I found to resonate most with my experiences of jealousy):

In addition, Dawn discussed a self-applied Eye Moment, Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) technique. EMDR is not recommended for use except for with a highly skilled therapist, but this simple exercise can be used on your own. Basically:

Sit comfortably. Close your eyes. Cross your arms and put one hand on each shoulder (your right hand on your left shoulder and vice versa). Think about an event that triggered jealous feelings for you. Immerse yourself as best you can in that experience- what happened, how you felt, what your reaction was. As you think about that experience, begin to tap your shoulders, alternating between your right and left shoulder. As you tap, allow your eyes (while closed) to look at your right and left shoulders. So when you tap your left shoulder, look at your left shoulder, and then tap your right shoulder and move your eyes to look at your right shoulder. Try to hold onto you jealousy-provoking experience as best you can while you do this. You may notice that you have a more and more difficult time remembering and paying attention to your memory. 

This technique is interesting to me- I think it is basically a feeling-diffusion technique, one meant to simmer yourself down. One caller during the Q&A mentioned that she found it extremely useful for all sorts of stressful situations and feelings. I actually have used it laying in bed as a way to quiet my mind: I don't even need to physically tap my shoulders. I simply imagine my right hand tapping my left shoulder and vice versa and move my eyes back and forth across the midline of my vision. It's worked to help me relax and fall asleep.

I love coming across new jealousy management techniques and hearing how other people treat and manage this (sometimes) gnarly emotion. It was really awesome to listen to other people ask questions, and then during their brief conversations with the facilitators, go through pretty quick "ah-ha" moments about how they could better negotiate boundaries, ask for things they want, and manage their jealousy. It's pretty transformational!

Recent Articles & Resources

Some recently seen articles I wanted to pass on:

J found these great (/annoyingly funny) pieces on The Onion:
On a family watching sexually explicit movies
Abstinent only sex education
Marriage counseling is a scam
Hatred of marriage counselor

For those of you as fed up as me with all of the hype about "hook up culture," here is a study that discusses how it's a bit (and by "a bit" I mean very) overblown: Study dispels notions of 'no-holds barred' sex on campus

Anyone want more of Marty Klein's great wisdom? Sign up for his teleseminar series!! (Probably most interesting to those working in the mental health/psychology/counseling field)

And, lastly, today Dawn Davidson and Kathy Labriola are offering a free teleseminar on managing jealousy! It's going to be awesome! RSVP even if you can't listen live so you can listen to the recording later!

Psychology Today: Happily Never After

I received my latest "Psychology Today" last week, and was happily stunned to see the following piece in the beginning (click for a bigger, higher resolution picture):

Thanks to Poly in the News for sharing the image!!

Chakras & Applications

I recently read David Pond's Chakras for Beginners (thanks M!), and loved it. Specifically, I loved the new metaphor (new to me) for thinking about my intentionality, energy, and manifestations of thoughts into behaviors.

I have, since last summer, focused on rebuilding my power- speaking up for what I need, articulating what I believe, and working on putting those thoughts and ideas into action. I often use a visualization exercise where I imagine my center and core turning gold and growing larger and larger. Little did I know (consciously; I am sure chakra-like messages and images have seeped into my sub-conscious throughout my life) that the third chakra is located in your abdomen, associated with the color yellow, and is the one associated with power.

Reading about the ideas behind the other chakras was enlightening. Here is my (super) basic recap:

Root chakra: associated with security, base of tailbone, red
Second chakra: associated with pursuit of pleasure, groin, orange
Third chakra: associated with power, core, yellow
Fourth chakra: associated with love, heart, green and pink
Fifth chakra: associated with creativity and speaking up, throat, sky blue
Sixth chakra: associated with intuition, third eye, indigo
Seventh chakra: associated with spirituality, crown of head, violet and white

My favorite part of this book were the meditations and visualization exercises included at the end. They basically guide you to imagine white, cosmic energy running through your body, activating each chakra. You breathe in the pure, white energy, and let out any toxic, muddy energy from each chakra. You focus on what each chakra means and concentrate on gaining balance in each chakra. All of the meditations have allowed me to feel more centered, grounded, energized, and ready to work on whatever is in front of me in the moment.

The main thread throughout the book (balancing your energy), was helpful for me in reflecting on where in my life I could put more of my self-growth work. It was also helpful to consider how if any of the lower chakras are unbalanced, all of those above it will be out of whack, too (and the unbalanced lower chakra will manifest in issues in the chakras above it. For example, [according to Pond] if you feel insecure in your root chakra, like you can't secure your physical environment, it is likely you will feel jealous [a manifestation of imbalance] when engaging in your pursuits of pleasure. Interesting for me to consider. I have been trying to really focus the past week on simply feeling secure in myself physically, financially, emotionally. Like an entirely whole person who has her shit together and isn't going anywhere. Like no matter what else is happening around me, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. Like no matter who I am partnered to or where I am living or what I am working on, I will remain whole, healthy, and happy. I like the feeling this focus gives me.). And, I really liked the idea that the first three chakras are about the ego, while the top three are about the interdependent and cosmic nature of life. Both of these energies converge in the heart. It has been surprisingly helpful to focus my energy on my heart chakra when I think I might be experiencing jealousy- I recognize the negative emotion, how it is associated with my ego feeling insecure/threatened/etc, and move my attention to a higher point in my body (my heart; when I feel negative emotions I tend to focus all of my energy on how it physically feels, and those emotions tend to manifest in my stomach and abdomen. Moving my attention to my chest and heart is really refreshing) and focus on feeling compassionate and universal love. I have been truly surprised with how much more open-hearted I feel from this exercise. Since finishing the book, I have been using a visualization exercise for areas that need special attention right now- my root chakra and my heart chakra. I think the focus and meditation I gave to each helped me get through a rough few days (maybe why I didn't feel a sense of impending doom when J and I were in conflict?). This week also gave me great opportunity to focus on mobilizing my throat chakra (speaking my mind, coming up with creative solutions to challenges).

Great read, loved it, plan on reading more on chakras! :)

Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures

I just flew through another long-awaited read: Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines.

Up until this point, I had adapted Kathy Labriola’s definitions of envy and jealousy. According to Labriola, jealousy is when you want to take something away from someone (“I don’t want you to have fun with your other partner") and envy is when you don’t want to take something away, but you wish you had it too ("I am glad you get to have fun with your other partner, and I wish I could go have fun with someone, too). In contrast, Pines offers these more psychological research-based definitions:

-Envy: a dyadic emotional experience, in which you want something that someone else has, and you don’t want them to have that thing.

-Jealousy: a triadic emotional experience, in which a third individual poses a threat to a valued intimate relationship that you have with someone else.

I like the definition Pines offers for jealousy, because I think the feelings of threat are basically what jealousy comes down to. These threatened feelings can, and I think often do, have deeper roots in insecurities and fears.

One really fascinating thing to me that she mentions is the idea of dispositional versus situational jealousy:

Dispositional jealousy = “I am a jealous person.” Or “I am not a jealous person.”

Situational jealousy = “When I experience X I feel jealous.”

In her research, she found individuals who identify as a jealous person and individuals who do not identify as a jealous person have similar levels and expressions of jealousy; both groups experience jealousy and have similar reactions to similar situations. However, people who did not identify as jealous people had better coping skills than those who identified as jealous. Lesson: Shifting your framework from a dispositional one to a situational one can empower you to find workable solutions to managing and diminishing your jealousy.

Pines discusses five different approaches to understanding jealousy, and integrates them to make a more holistic approach:

-The psychodynamic approach: Freud’s theory postulates that jealousy is universal, and stems from childhood experiences. In order to “cure” jealousy, this approach says that you need to go through individual psychotherapy and delve into your Oedipal/Electra complex.

-The systems approach: This model sees jealousy as stemming from relationship dynamics. Individuals may be predisposed to feeling jealousy, but ultimately, it is the partners involved and relationship structure and situations that bring out jealousy. Thus, addressing jealousy means involving all romantic partners involved through couples counseling and couples-based solutions.

-Behavioral and Cognitive Behavioral approach: The behavioral framework views jealousy as just another learned, not innate, behavior; therefore, jealousy can be unlearned. One of the most common therapeutic techniques is Rational Emotive Therapy.

-Social-psychological approach: The social-psychological model views jealousy as a consequence of our culture. Cultural norms define the expression of jealousy- what kinds of situations are appropriate to feel jealousy about, and how to express it.

-Socio-biological/evolutionary approach: Popularized by Buss, this approach sees jealousy as an innate characteristic, bred into our genes through natural selection. Following this approach is the idea that men and women experience jealousy differently- men tend to feel jealous about sexual infidelity, while women tend to feel jealous about emotional infidelity. 

Pines integrates these approaches into a model of concentric circles, and sees these seemingly contradictory approaches as more complementary than anything else. An individual may be predisposed to feel jealousy as a result of their childhood and family experiences and dynamics, and may also tend to experience jealousy more strongly tied to sexual or emotional infidelity depending on their sex and gender role. Also, depending on the larger culture and social norms this individual grows up, this person is taught by media, religion, and other authority figures when jealousy expression is encouraged, accepted, and supported. The individual thus learns how to think about, feel about, and express jealousy from family and culture. Within a particular relationship with a particular partner this individual may experience and express jealousy more strongly, and within a different relationship with a different partner this same individual may have a very different experience of jealousy. Thus, Pines sees all of these approaches working together to explain why people experience jealousy.

Here is me as an example, in a nutshell, following Pines integrated framework:

I grew up with a mom that expressed jealousy- it was acceptable to her to say jealous-informed things about my dad’s ex-girlfriends. I also, for whatever reason, developed an anxious-attachment style- I always thought my parents would divorce when they had a fight, and I was fearful of being abandoned (a pattern which has followed me in all of my intimate relationships, platonic and romantic, through childhood and early adulthood). I grew up in American culture, inundated by media messages that said that being jealous about romantic partners was perfectly normal, monogamy is the norm, you can only romantically love one person at a time, and this love entitles you to exert quite a bit of control and power over this person. According to the socio-biological approach, because I am a woman, I am also predisposed to feel more jealous over emotional infidelity; honestly, I don’t know what I am more threatened by- emotional or sexual infidelity (or in the case of my open relationship, between emotional and sexual intimacy). Most of all, I am threatened by the combination of the two (which I call romantic intimacy); one or the other is somewhat difficult, but not like the jealousy I experience when both intimacies are present. I know that my relationship structure means that I have to work through jealousy head-on because of the constant possibility and existence of a “third” (someone J is involved with), but I also have a much deeper self-awareness than when we were monogamous. When J and I were monogamous (and in my previous monogamous relationships), I experienced jealousy at the more extreme levels (getting jealous over an attractive woman working out near J in the gym, knowing that an ex-boyfriend enjoyed having close friendships with girls, etc.). Even though I now experience jealousy more frequently, and still intensely at times, I have a much larger arsenal of coping skills and a much better handle on the underlying reasons for my jealousy. In my experience, I clearly learned what situations were supposed to be jealousy inducing and learned how to express jealousy, and I have also clearly done a lot of work to unlearn those pathways and create new ones.

Coping skills that Pines offers include those informed by the different approaches described above (there are others she discusses, but these are the ones I found noteworthy):

-"Jealousy as the Shadow of Love": this is an exercise basically asking the individual to reflect on and connect childhood experiences with adult jealousy.

-Role-reversal exercises: thinking and trying to truly understand how your partner feels; acting like one another (so the person experiencing jealousy acts like they aren't and the person not experiencing jealousy acts like they are) to provide understanding and compassion; writing a defense from your partner's point of view

-Desensitization: create a list of triggering situations, imagine the least triggering situation while going through relaxation exercises, with the intent of being able to use relaxation coping to manage triggering situations (somewhat like the phobia model)

-Rational Emotive Therapy: a widely used cognitive-behavioral technique. I have mentioned RET on here before because I first used it to rework some of my negative body image thought processes. RET follows a standard formula to challenge deeply held, often irrational, beliefs. I think it is quite effective, and I find it even more awesome that the creator, Albert Ellis, also was skeptical of monogamy ["The creator of rational-emotive therapy, Albert Ellis (1962/1996), has a similar criticism of monogamy, which, in his opinion, not only 'directly encourages the development of intense jealousy, but also by falsely assuming that men and women can love only one member of the other sex at a time, and can only be sexually attracted to that one person, indirectly sows the seeds for even more violent displays of jealousy.'" (p155)]

-Physiologically Monitored Implosion Therapy (PMIT): this is basically a flooding therapy technique, and should be done with an experienced therapist. Basically, you identify the most triggering aspects of a situation making you jealous. You record yourself describing in great detail the situation, and then listen to this recording every day until it no longer causes pain, but much milder emotions like boredom. The basic idea is to desensitize you to a triggering situation through flooding and constant exposure. Pines warns that this technique can be quite overwhelming and can backfire on the patient unless the therapist can provide the support the patient needs.

-Work on shifting from a dispositional to a situational attribution; this alone can empower you to choose coping skills that work for you.

In her chapter on managing jealousy in open relationship, Pines discusses open marriages, swingers, the polyfidelitous Kerista commune, and an open commune. It was interesting to read her observations and analysis of the different groups, especially since she doesn't really account for people in open polyamorous relationships, in which romantic love with other partners is allowed. All of those she interviewed only had casual sex as options, or in the case of the Keristas, has non-hierarchical relationships within a closed group.

Reading this book was really enlightening for me on a couple different levels. As someone who has experienced a lot of jealousy, it was helpful to read about some other techniques I can use to cope with jealousy. It was also really helpful to read about the systems approach, and how relationship dynamics can highlight jealousy issues. Because Pines also wrote the book for therapists working with individuals and couples dealing with jealousy, it was a really awesome insight into the kind of work I’ll be doing over the next few years in my Couples & Family Therapy program. I really liked filling out the romantic jealousy questionnaire at the end of the book; it was enlightening for me to reflect on what kinds of situations make me feel jealous, and to what degree. This book reads a little bit like an accessible textbook, and so it might feel a little dry to some readers, but I appreciated all of her discussion about the different approaches and the chance to reflect on my experiences.

Managing Jealousy

My managing jealousy post went live today on DA, and to make it tantalizing, the title they gave it is: "Can You Watch Your Partner Have Sex with Another Person and Not Get Jealous?" Haha! It's kind of long. And not very accurate as to what my post is about. But I have also realized that DA's article titles are usually more "mainstream" obnoxious, while a lot of the content is more complex and intelligent (in my opinion).

My main points were:
Accept jealousy as a common emotion, and manage it like any other.
Understand where it comes from (envy, competition, insecurities, etc.).
What the barrier method is.
What the phobia model is.
How you can support your partner if they are experiencing jealousy.

There is one mistake in my post, which I am emailing my editor about. The third sentence of point number two, reads "For example, in a lot of open relationships, you could be feeling in competition with someone or feeling fearful you will be left." I did not write "in a lot of open relationships" into that sentence. I think you can feel in competition with someone else or feel fearful in a monogamous relationship. I certainly did, many times.

For anyone who goes to DA to read it, I'd love to hear there or here if I missed any big points with managing jealousy. I think it's a large topic, and it was pretty tough to be as concise as possible when talking about it.

Working through Challenges v. Incompatibility

I was talking with a customer at work the other day, and surprise surprise, it comes up that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex and he have tried working with open/poly relationship structures and principles before.

After talking a little about their history (extreme jealousy on her end, preoccupation with school on his, possible cheating and boundary breaking on her end, unwillingness to have rules work both way on her end, etc.; and granted, I heard more about her indiscretions than his), his question for me essentially came down to this:

How do you know whether you and your partner can work through sticking points, or whether perhaps you are simply incompatible and should find a partner with whom you agree more on relationship issues?

When sitting with him, I was just as stumped as him. I really didn't know what to say.

After talking with J and sitting with it a bit more, I think I have some coherent feedback.

How compatible do you feel with your partner in other ways? How worth it does it feel to work through challenges? For instance, J and I are compatible 95% of the time, so working through our sticking points is worth it to both of us. And, we consider each other to be life partners (another indication that we both feel a high compatibility with one another). 

How important is your relationship structure to you? Is it extremely important that you have the option of sleeping with other people or dating other people? Or, are extra-dyadic sex and romantic relationships just the icing on your cake- can you take it or leave it? Knowing this may help you figure out where you can easily compromise and where you can't. If a specific relationship structure is highly important to you, and your partner has a very different idea and different needs, then you may simply be incompatible.

He also mentioned that his somewhat-of-an-ex was more focused on extra-dyadic sex, while he was desirous of other romantic and emotional relationships via the dating experience (sex was not the focus for him, or as important). He wondered aloud to me, are these differences indicative that he and his partner are incompatible or could their desires coexist? I told him then, and I still think, that I certainly know people in long-term relationships in this very situation and I think it is quite possible to have them coexist. The important thing, I think, is for each partner to recognize that they simply have different desires and needs and to respect one another. I also told him that I think unique challenges arise from this situation if both people have a difficult time relating to one another because they don't understand each other's needs. I think it also presents a situation where insecurities and instances of feeling threatened are more likely to come up.

More than anything, it was very clear that he and his somewhat-of-an-ex don't talk. For one, he didn't even know if they were broken up or not, because they have broken up so many times he can never tell when they are together or not. He didn't know when she started sleeping with a past partner, because she wouldn't be clear about it, so he didn't even really know if she had explicitly broken a boundary of their previously monogamous relationship. They had different ideas of disclosure, but they hadn't figured that out together through talking (he wanted her to offer information about encounters and relationships and she thought that he should ask about anything he wanted to know; the result was that he felt like he was prying and she felt like he was suspicious of her). Talking is a positive thing; not talking creates problems and makes them fester. (Obvious, I know.)

Does anyone else have advice for my friend?

Surprising Feelings

I have been experiencing some surprising feelings in the past week or two. They are feelings that, when J and I opened up almost two years ago, I would have never expected.

1. Feeling jealousy from other partners being with other partners of their own. I have talked with friends who have experienced this before, and J has experienced this, too. Typically, I have heard this jealousy expressed as a fear of replacement. Because I am a secondary partner to someone else, there might be a fear that I am much more easily replaced by someone new. For me, though, I experienced a really yucky form: possessive jealousy (hey! that's my secondary/other partner!). Luckily, because that feeling was so nasty, I was able to quickly push it out. Also, surprisingly to myself, I have experienced some exclusion jealousy in relation to other partners. That jealousy is very familiar to me in thinking about J with another partner, but it took me by surprise when it happened with another partner. Again, I am grateful that the feeling wasn't very intense and it blew over pretty quickly. Not only did it blow over quickly, but I was able to replace it with feelings of compersion and happiness. Having all of those feelings swirl around and change like that in the span of 30 minutes was pretty amazing. And kind of tiring.

2. I have been crushing really hard on someone. And so when I made out with a girl recently, I felt like I was cheating!! So crazy. Maybe it was more of the fact that my crush has been taking a ton of my emotional and cognitive processes; I think about my crush all of the time. And so when I experienced another person and their energy, I was taken by surprise and almost felt like I was betraying my crush. You would think with all of my thinking on what monogamy and nonmonogamy means, and what cheating means, and how control and freedom play a role in all of that, that I would not have feelings like this. And yet, they rose to the surface of my mind from some weird place in my brain.

3. And, unrelated to our relationship, I have been getting a little tired of stripping. I am just ready to be doing something else with my time. I still really enjoy it while I am doing it, and I would miss it if I completely stopped. But I started it with a lot of self-interest in mind, and it has definitely fed me on a lot of levels. But I am ready to be doing something that serves others in a larger, more holistic way. I knew that at some point I would want to stop, but I have been feeling surprised anyway that I am getting a bit weary of it.

Wonderful Women

I had the great fortune of participating in a film discussion and screening of Bodysex. It was a really empowering to see women in the film engaging in a body positive and sex positive space, and supporting each other in loving their bodies. The clips we watched of the women admiring one another's vulvas took my by surprise: women oohed and awed over each other's, complimenting the different shapes and sizes. I loved it. And, the masturbation/self pleasure circle was pretty hot, and awesome. It was quite something to watch seven women pleasure themselves. Also, I found it wonderful and beautiful to see such different body shapes and sizes (naked). Old, young, small, large, and in between. It was a really empowering film for me to see parts of, especially in how it relates to my own body image and sexuality. I am excited about the potential of participating in a similar women's self-pleasure group (see Barbara Wynne's website to get in touch with her if you are similarly interested).

Then, a couple days later, I was so grateful to be part of the first session of an open women's group. These women are all so special and important to me, and each relationship is unique. I wouldn't give up any of these friendships for anything. Again, I found myself in such an empowering space, listening to these wonderful women talk about their experiences, their challenges and triumphs. We talked about our various relationships structures, our sexual orientations and identities, how we prefer to communicate with our partners, what some of our boundaries are, whether we have come out to our families, and what it's like to be open and to also be raising kids. We talked about jealousy (obviously) and cheating/boundary violations. One of the most lovely things to me about the space was not the similarities among us (although there were some that took me by surprise- who knew how many of us lived with family?), but the diversity of opinion and experience. From how we define "open relationship," "nonmonogamy," "polyamory" to how we conceive of sex (is it "play," about physical connection, about emotional connection?) to what we want out of our open relationships, we all had different ideas and attitudes. Again, I was amazed at the intricacies inherent in this community and felt at home feeling safe and supported despite feeling different. We supported each other, gave each other hugs, let each other cry, and made each other laugh. I feel so blessed to have so many lovely friends, and to have been part of space where we could all come together.

The Monogamy Gap

"If we had more cultural discourse about the value of open relationships in society, as well as other forms of nonmonogamies, we might better empower individuals to have honest conversations about their sexual and romantic feelings. We might find (as I suspect) that monogamy might be a sensible way to grow a relationship, before couples open up sexually."

~Anderson, The Monogamy Gap

I finally finished Anderson's The Monogamy Gap. Here is a good synopsis.

Anderson's bottom-line solution to the prevalence of cheating among young men is to have emotionally monogamous/sexually promiscuous relationships. He refers to this set-up as an "open relationship" (he does not use the term the way I would). So for Anderson, an open relationship is just a sexually nonmonogamous one (not an emotionally nonmonogamous one). He makes a distinction, too, between "cheating" and an "affair." The difference he sees is that "cheating" is about sexual gratification and variety, and an "affair" is about an emotional entanglement. Because all of the young men he interviews claim to have cheated because of wanting sexual variety and also claim to be very much in love with the partner they cheated on, Anderson seems to then reach the conclusion that openly emotionally monogamous/sexually nonmonogamous relationships are a solid solution to how widespread cheating is among young men.

Like I posted a week or so ago, I really liked his brief chapter on jealousy. I thought it offered some simple, but practical, advice on how to manage jealousy and transform it, based on research about how high self esteem and confidence lessen the feelings and effects of jealousy. I thought this section of the book was solid.

An undercurrent of the book that I did not enjoy, however, was the focus on how so many of the young men he interviewed saw their cheating as a quest for pure sexual variety. The language used, by both Anderson and his interviewees, was borderline crass at times, and the focus on "fucking" sort of irked me. I understand the need for sexual variety; I also have this desire. The desire for sexual variety is what initially prompted J and I to open our relationship. So I get it. But the framing of it also left out aspects of casual sex that are often necessary for me: respect, sex positivity, and (some level of) sobriety. I'm not saying Anderson was advocating for disrespectful and drunken casual sex encounters as a means of letting young men satisfy their needs for extradyadic sex. But he did not address the etiquette of sexual nonmonogamy, including how these young men should ideally treat their casual sex partners.

Also, Anderson did not really get into other forms of nonmonogamy, including polyamory. He briefly mentions poly as an option in the beginning and end of his book, and then for the bulk of the book focuses on what he refers to as "open relationships."

It struck me that this solution Anderson offers is still fairly couched in the monogamy paradigm. I think it has been fairly well accepted that cheating occurs, affairs occur, and that people desire extradyadic sex after the honeymoon period wears off. But it is not accepted at all that you might desire romantic intimacy with more than one partner at a time; you are still expected to romantically love only one person. Like traditional swinging, I see Anderson's solution as a a sort of bridge between absolute monogamy and polyamory. I think it has limitations, obviously: what happens when you start to care for a casual sex partner? Just cut them out of your life? (My reaction: meh/sad face.) However, I do think this approach is a step above dishonest "monogamous" relationships.

In addition, he discusses the difference between spontaneous cheating and premeditated, recurring cheating. According to Anderson, the men he interviewed that cheated more than once cheated "out of love." He argues that if the young man didn't love his partner, he would simply break up and leave the relationship. But because the young man desired the emotional intimacy of his relationship and loved his partner, the young man cheats as a means of staying in his relationship and getting the sexual variety that he desires. (Getting his cake and eating it too.) However, many (if not all) of the men would never bring up an open relationship with their partner because the thought of their partner with another drives them insane. My question is: how does love include possessiveness, control, and a majorly dishonest double standard? My answer to myself: this conception of love comes from a monogamist society.

I have already recommended this book to several men. I think it probably resonates with men who have desired sexual variety and don't mind being (or desire to be) emotionally monogamous. I think Anderson does a good job of accurately reflecting the current trend of cheating among young men, and I would love to read a similar book about young women. My guess is that the trend is similar, although I could see possibly the motivations (maybe not though; I think both alcohol and a desire for sexual variety play similar roles in young women's cheating) and the repercussions (e.g., slut shaming) being different.

I thought his conclusion chapter summarized many of his main points well, so I included some of it here. Happy Reading!

"In this book I used a combination of well-known theories to explain how men transitioned from believing that they want monogamy, to simultaneously wanting but not wanting it; and ultimately how they rationalized cheating as a way to maintain symbiosis and longevity with their monogamous partners. The “dyad” in my theory refers to a couple, and the “dissonance” refers to the growing cognitive dissonance that monogamism places them into. My theory showed why men desire monogamy in the first place (using hegemony theory), how they grew conflicted as sexual habituation set in (using cognitive dissonance theory), and ultimately how cheating makes sense as a tool in navigating this dissonance (rational choice theory). The basis of my theory is that our cultural affinity for monogamy and stigma of any other form of sexual/romantic coupling places men into a Catch-22. Here, if they stick by the rules of monogamy, they are destined to a life of anger and contempt at not being permitted to have what they so desperately desire. Yet if they cheat, they suffer from anxiety and guilt — and ultimately they could lose their romantic partners if they are caught. Whereas sexually open relationships solve this Catch-22, we are nonetheless prevented from even entertaining the idea of being in one because of the hegemony that monogamy maintains, monogamism...

I described the monogamy gap as a transitional space in a couple’s relationship. Upon first entering a dyadic relationship, men experienced fantastic and frequent sex, and this made it easy to fall into the practice and valuing of monogamy without criticism. However, as a relationship progressed throughout the stages from romance to performing, sex became less frequent and less enjoyable. Men grew desensitized to their sex, and efforts to spice it up only lasted so long. But just because men started to develop sexual desires for others, it did not mean that they desired a sexually open relationship. These men so continue to subscribe to the value of monogamy, and the immorality of open relationships, that they either thought that they must no longer love their partners because they desired sex with others, or they suff ered in silence. The monogamy gap emerged at diff erent times in their relationship for different men, but on average it seemed fairly predictable that it would almost always have emerged within 2 years of constant monogamy. I also suggested that the pornication of society, the frequent and easier access to sex before being in a monogamous relationship, and the rich sexual marketplace these men belonged to brought about desensitization to sex with their partner sooner. Not wanting an open relationship, but desperately wanting sex with someone else, these men got drunk, placed themselves into a situation where they could be tempted, and found a way to temporarily rectify the dissonance of the monogamy gap: cheating..."

Self Esteem & Jealousy

I had a minor epiphany this week while reading Eric Anderson's The Monogamy Gap (review of that to come as soon as I finish it; I only have 40 pages left!). 

In the jealousy chapter, he mentions the idea that people who have high self esteem experience less jealousy, or at least have an easier time managing it. All of a sudden, something *clicked* in my brain. I literally felt a cognitive shift. "I'm awesome. I'm awesome. Cool!" A lot of triggers felt more manageable instantly and feelings of jealousy (exclusion, fear, anxiety, insecurity, blah, blah, blah) diminished in the moment.

I have considered my self esteem to be higher than average for a lot of my life, and so I am not quite sure why in this particular instance I experienced such a click in my brain. But it was a positive experience, and it is helpful to have that to remember and hold onto for as long as I can. (I think perhaps some of this *click* came from all of the work I have been doing in counseling around emotional independence and autonomy, too. Not only do I think I'm awesome, but I also allow myself the room to be awesome day-to-day and experience things and relationships that I want for myself.)

Here is the passage that gave me the *click* (I added emphasis to the parts that really resonated with me):  

"But what is perceived as a personal threat will, to a large extent, be influenced by the values of one’s culture. Jealousy does not solely concern infidelity. Social-cognitive theorists (who use emotion theory) hypothesize that the same basic processes of jealousy are exemplified in multiple other (nonsexual) human relationships (parent–child relationships, friendships, etc.). Accordingly, psychologists emphasize the importance of two factors that increase the likelihood of arousing jealousy (Harris, 2003 ). The first is when relationship rewards are threatened. The second is when some aspect of a person’s self-concept is challenged by someone outside the relationship. For example, White and Mullen ( 1989) defined romantic jealousy this way:

'Romantic jealousy is a complex of thoughts, emotions, and actions that follows loss or threat to self-esteem and/or the existence or quality of the romantic relationship. The perceived loss or threat is generated by the perception of a real or potential romantic attraction between one’s partner and a (perhaps imaginary) rival . . . '(p. 9).

This is not a particularly new way of examining jealousy. In (1931), Margaret Mead suggested that threats to self-esteem are at the root of jealousy. Similarly, others emphasize the importance of threats to aspects relevant to one’s self concept (Mathes, 1991), self-definition (Parrott, 1991), and self-identity (Salovey & Rothman, 1991), as underlying triggers of the experience of jealousy. It is thought that these threats are particularly salient in romantic relationships because these relationships are potentially rich sources of personal rewards (Turner, 1970; White & Mullen, 1989).

Harris ( 2003 ) suggests that there is an association between jealousy/anger and fear/sadness. When one focuses on the potential loss of a mate, sadness or fear may be elicited, whereas focusing on the sense that the rival has wronged one may elicit anger or jealousy. She says, “The extent to which one experiences jealousy over a mate sleeping with someone else will depend on appraisals for why he or she is doing so and how it reflects on one’s own self and one’s relationship rewards” (p. 122). This means that if a culture prescribes that it is appropriate for a member of a dyad to sleep with someone outside that relationship, a jealousy threat is minimized or eliminated (Wood & Eagly, 2002)." (p 131-132)

A Compersion Technique

I saw my new friend today for a second date, and we spent another solid chunk of time just talking, comforting each other over various challenges in our lives while eating breakfast, and holding hands. It was really lovely. 

She said one thing that was really helpful for me. She has been in poly relationships for the past seven years, and said that her technique for feeling compersion and letting go of jealousy was this:

Imagine feeling happy for your partner for as long as you can possibly feel it (with regards to a situation that normally causes feelings of jealousy, envy, discomfort, etc). It may only be 3 seconds at first that you genuinely feel happy. Continually and gently push on that boundary of that feeling until you can feel that happiness for your partner for longer periods of time (10 minutes, an hour, etc; this process sounds like a very meditative practice to me). Eventually, happiness will be all that is left. (I think this sounds almost too simple, but why make a difficult internal process more challenging than it needs to be?) This practice reminds me a lot of Anapol's suggestion of learning to replace feelings of jealousy with feelings of compersion, so that you are replacing an old system with a new one.

I asked my friend how long it took her for her to feel compersion consistently and in a more complete sense, how long it took for that work to have an effect, how long before jealousy was a "funny" emotion to experience. She said about a year and a half.

It is really amazing to talk to people who have practiced polyamory so much longer than me because they can talk about their own difficult times with perspective; they are no longer in the thick of letting go of and reframing societal messages and norms around monogamy, possessiveness, and jealousy. They have moved past it. Knowing that this is possible is really empowering. I know people, like J, who have come into polyamory very naturally and find little difficulty in confronting jealousy, and I think this journey is its own unique and amazing thing to witness. Meeting this women, though, and hearing about how she, too, had a really difficult time with jealousy and now does not is really empowering for me to hear about.

Polyamory in the 21st Century

I finally read and finished Deborah Anapol's Polyamory in the 21st Century. I bought it at the beginning of last summer (six months ago!), and while J read it then, I just finally had the time and mental energy to read it over our winter break. J read it again, too, and it has been nice to talk about the book together.

So, my thoughts:

-Anapol's definition of polyamory is this:

"the whole range of lovestyles that arise from an understanding that love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction. Love, which is allowed to expand, often grows to include a number of people. But to me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of letting love evolve without expectations or demands that it look a particular way than it does with the number of partners involved" (Chapter 1)

At the very end of her book, she mentions that "...the definition of polyamory given in chapter 1 includes freely chosen monogamy, which does not involve an ironclad agreement to maintain sexual exclusivity in the diversity of forms that make up polyamory" (Chapter 11 footnote)

She also includes wide and diverse behaviors as polyamory. She includes individuals who are in multi-partner marriages and individuals who have friends with benefits. She includes both intimate relationships in which the sex is focused on spirituality and sacredness and much more casual sexual relationships focused on immediate-gratification. It feels like to me that she is trying to encapsulate all forms of ethical nonmonogamy under a "polyamory" umbrella. I think that casual sexual encounters can definitely be loving, respectful, and caring, but I don't think that someone engaging in that kind of sex necessarily has the attitude that love should be free-flowing and uninhibited. Likewise, I think someone with a network of friends with benefits may feel caring and loving toward his/her sexual friends, but not necessarily align with poly values. 

To me, polyamory is about having the internal attitude that love in infinite and unconditional, and that one is open to having multiple loving relationships. It does not necessarily mean that one has multiple partners. All of that jives with Anapol's initial definition. However, I would not, unlike Anapol, necessarily include someone who has casual sexual friendships or someone who chooses monogamy in the same population of people who believe that love is infinite and free-flowing. Also, I think someone could present monogamous in only having one partner, but that person may also be open to more romantic relationships. I think this situation though is not "chosen monogamy" but just presented monogamy, and the person actually identifies more with nonmonogamous or polyamorous values. Someone who chooses monogamy, even if it is freely chosen (critically thought about, compared with other choices, etc), is to me monogamous, not polyamorous (with the exception I suppose of someone who identifies as polyamorous but chooses to be monogamous to a partner because of the partner's wishes/desires/needs, etc).

-Another common theme throughout the book that sort of irked me is her focus on polyamory being linked to sacred spirituality and Tantric practices. I think I could love multiple people and have meaningful sex with those people without thinking that sex is sacred. I think we attach meanings to sex and to relationships. The sex I have with J feels very meaningful, because the relationship is very meaningful to me and I feel extremely connected to him. The sex I have in an NSA encounter feels much different, and I approach the encounter with caring and respect, but not with a sense of deeper, more intimate meaning. In addition she mentions that "Meaningful sex creates a lifelong bond" (chapter 4). To make such a blanket statement is a bit horrendous to me. I think what makes a lifelong bond is much more than meaningful sex, and meaningful sex is often not even part of creating a lifelong bond with someone (such as parents, siblings, platonic friends, etc). To me, meaningful sex creates a deep bond with someone in a moment in time, and it is the small things building on each other that creates a lifelong bond.

-I really enjoyed her chapter on jealousy. She has some useful concepts for thinking about jealousy, different types, and different ways to manage it. One of the most helpful pieces was this:

"In a monogamous relationship, where choice of a mate is clearly an either/or proposition, jealousy may be a reasonable strategy to keep others away from your partner or to discourage your partner from pursuing others. If your partner falls for someone else, it’s a realistic threat to your continued marital bliss. In polyamory, other lovers are not necessarily a danger, although, as we shall see, they can be. When partners agree that including others would enhance their lives, unyielding jealousy and possessiveness can become obstacles to their ongoing happiness rather than functioning to protect a dyadic bond." (chapter 6, emphasis added, because that part really resonated with both J and I)

This quote in particluar stuck out to me, because I often experience both negative emotions (sadness, fear, inadequacy) alongside feelings of love and feelings of sexual arousal when I feel "jealous": 

"...jealousy can feel like a powerful blend of all emotions at once. Love, sexual arousal, fear, and anger may all be blended together into one gigantic ball of energy that threatens to overwhelm the rational mind." (chapter 6)

She talks about Dr. Ron Mazur's different types of jealousy: possessive, fear, competition, ego, exclusion/time. The types that I have a lot of experience with is fear jealousy and exclusion/time jealousy. I have also experienced competition jealousy and only once experienced ego jealousy. While competition jealousy is related to feelings of being inadequate in comparison with a partner's partner and feeling the need to compete with this person, ego jealousy is related to how you will be perceived by others or by a partner's partner. The different implications for these different feelings is helpful in identifying ways to manage jealousy in these different forms. For example, when I experience fear jealousy I ask for emotional reassurance and support from J. When I experience exclusion/time jealousy I ask for information (about a partner, encounter, date, etc), and I also ask for the two of us to create space to reconnect and be with each other.

One of her strategies is to learn to replace feelings of jealousy with feelings of compersion (learning theory says that it is easier to replace behaviors with new ones instead of simply getting rid of the original). Anapol also has an e book on this specific tool that I am hoping to read soon:

"Instead of focusing on your own discomfort and fears, try putting your attention on your partner. Think of the happiness and pleasure your partner may be experiencing and how your partner’s good feelings will eventually be passed on to you. If this seems impossible, try imagining a situation which is less threatening to you but still touches on your jealousy triggers." (chapter 6)

This is also important to remember, as J and I ran into this very situation (especially when we first opened up). Her point that jealousy triggers need to be managed as a team and not as a tool of manipulation is also key:

"Trying to have a rational and reasonable conversation with a jealous person is useless at best and very likely counterproductive.

Once the emotional storm has passed or before it has blown in is a far better time to work on identifying your personal jealousy triggers and ask your partner to help find ways to work around them. Many partners will resist taking total responsibility for managing another’s jealousy but are usually happy to negotiate solutions that help each get what they want. The key is to approach managing jealousy as a shared project both can cooperate on instead of pitting one person against another or allowing one partner to use his or her jealousy to manipulate the other or make the other wrong." (chapter 6)

She discusses systematic desensitization, which is identical (from what I can tell) to Labriola's phobia model. This includes increasing the discomfort, gently pushing on boundaries, and putting a larger goal into much smaller and more manageable situations. I find this approach really helpful in managing jealousy triggers and creating the relationship with J that we both desire.

-I also really enjoyed her chapter on international contexts for polyamory. It was really interesting to read about how polyamory is framed in different cultures and the different challenges that accompany polyamory relationships when there are different cultural legacies and messages at play. One of the most interesting pieces to me was how in the UK and other European countries polyamory is seen more as an agent of political change, whereas in the US it is often seen as a tool for personal growth. I think this speaks pretty clearly to how interdependence is a common value in the EU, whereas individualism is a strong value in the US.

All in all, I would recommend Anapol's book for people who already have familiarity with nonmonogamy and polyamory. I would not recommend it for people just starting their open relationship explorations, because I think she presents a very particular viewpoint on what polyamory is and what it includes. Her book needs to be seen in light of all the other ways that people practice nonmonogamy and polyamory, and then I think it is possible for the reader to take away the pieces that resonate.