Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time

I am re-posting my blog posts here through the end of December, and then I am saying goodbye to Monogamy Paradigm! Make sure to add SexualityReclaimed to your RSS feeds or "follow" it via email! :)

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This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:

-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that experience here)… that just means we will have to do another filming session

-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure

-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been much communication between J and his parents about whether we were coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that evening. I finally received a minor bid (albeit full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.

-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love you!

HUMP! 2013 Winners!

Remember to add SexualityReclaimed to your RSS feed or "follow" it via email!

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Check out the winners! So exciting!

I love that Ouroburos and Fuck split the Best in Show!

HUMP! 2013 Winners!

HUMP! 2013

Read all about it here!

My life is complete! For now! Because we have now been to HUMP! 2013! 

Here is/was the line-up (the festival is in Portland next weekend):



My favorites/points of interest/etc.:

-I voted The Legend of Gabe Harding as Best Humor (J voted this way as well). I love that it featured male porn stars’ performance issues remedied via a male fluffer. Other favorite “humor” pieces included Mouthpiece, Japanese Catholic Lesbian School Girls in Love, and Raiders of the Lost Arse.

-I voted His as Best Kink. It was fucking spectacular. One, I absolutely adore “Crave You” (Adventure Club remix, obvs); the movement in the piece was beautifully synchronized with the song. Two, rope = sexy. Three, the D/S component to the relationship was represented gorgeously. I can’t say enough lovey things about this one. It gave me shivers. Second runner-up for Best Kink was Fun With Fire. Both J and I enjoyed this one because it showed the real interactions between the couple, including shock, laughter, hesitance, trust, and comfort. It was also pretty great. J voted for Fun With Fire as Best Kink.

-For Best Sex, I voted Sex House. I loved the raunchy, sweaty, drug-filled atmosphere and the desirous, hot sex between the two lesbian couples. Surprising to J and our sexy friends, I also loved Daddy’s Dolls. I thought the lead person was hot as fuck, and the sensuality radiating between her (using female pronouns because I don’t know what is most appropriate) and the other person was super hot for me to watch. I almost voted Ouroboros as Best Sex, but then decided to vote it as Best in Show; J did vote Ouroboros for Best Sex.

-Best in Show: Ouroboros. It was such a well-done piece. After showing the sex scene between two gay men, the film rewinds scene by scene, back to the hallway and the club and the drinking and the dancing and finally back to a scene of one of the men laying down to masturbate to porn featuring him and the man we see him with at the beginning of the film (a little confusing to relate via text, but it was breathtaking).

[Consider the definition of Ouroboros, in case you weren't aware (from Wikipedia):
"The Ouroboros or Uroboros is an ancient symbol depicting a serpent or dragon eating its own tail. The Ouroboros often symbolize self-reflexivity or cyclicality, especially in the sense of something constantly re-creating itself, the eternal return, and other things such as the phoenix which operate in cycles that begin anew as soon as they end. It can also represent the idea of primordial unity related to something existing in or persisting from the beginning with such force or qualities it cannot be extinguished."
Love it!]

J voted for Raiders of the Lost Arse as Best in Show- he thought it was really clever because of all of the movie and copyright references it made.

Other pieces that are so noteworthy but just didn’t make it into my voting:

-Fuck: Also phenomenal. Slam poetry about fucking narrates over gorgeous images of Black women in the nude. I loved the representation of women of color and the representation of fat women. And, the slam poetry itself was powerful.

-Art Primo: I loved the sensual and slow nature of this one. It reminded me of ArtPorn- the stylized nature reminded me of boudoir photos.

-Inspired Surreality: Yay! We totes know these rockin’, smokin’ porn stars! Well done, you two! Super sexy.

This year’s bonus props were bowling balls, butt plugs, and Hillary Clinton, so there were quite a few pieces with those props. Other common themes: come shots (soooo many come shots this year). And there were two pieces that featured instruments (Mouthpiece and Beethoven’s Stiff). There was also quite a bit of both gay and lesbian sex. And, I was impressed and happy to see the number of pieces that showed condom use.

Yay HUMP! We even got Dan Savage as our MC and I EVEN bought myself a HUMP! shirt. Because I am cool like that ;)

Lessons from My Equity Reading

Read this post on my new site!! :)

I LOVE that one of my books for school actually correctly differentiates between sex and gender. I get so frustrated when even professors and other academics conflate the two. So, for everyone’s benefit ( I don’t want to assume that those who find/read my blog know this), here are the definitions I ascribe to (pulled from the UC Berkeley’s Gender Equity Resource Center website):

Sex:
“A person’s sex refers to one’s biology – specifically, one’s chromosomes, external genitalia, secondary sexual characteristics (development of breasts, pubic hair, etc.), and internal reproductive system. Sex is a term used historically and within the medical field to identify genetic/hormonal and physical characteristics that are used to classify an individual as female, male, or intersex… Sex is a legal assignment at birth. How sex is determined is socially constructed and historically and culturally variable.”

Gender:

“Gender is a set of socially constructed, assigned behaviors and identity patterns which are often perceived to be intertwined with and/or equivalent to one’s sexual biology. In fact, gender is constructed and fluid, having multiple meanings across cultures, geographies, communities, and individuals. Although society promotes the dualistic concept that people are either a woman or a man, there are more than two genders… Gender can be understood as having several components, including “Assigned Gender,” “Gender Expression,” “Gender Identity,” and “Gender Role.” “

A lovely sentiment from my book about the interplay between sex and gender: “Shortly upon receiving that information [of sex], the culture surrounding each human begins to construct the roles of gender on the scaffolding of biological sex” (Brown, 2008, p131).

Here are some other points from my reading I thought were worth sharing:

“Exclusion is not necessary when inclusion is not protected” (Brown, 2008, p176)- in reference to sexual orientation trauma

“Even nondisclosure can have negative outcomes arising from the strategies of distancing and disengagement from families used by many LGB people in attempts to conceal their sexual orientation from family, something Pharr (1988) referred to as ‘internal exile’” (Brown, 2008, p171)

[I know about that for sure. I am glad, on the one hand, I came out to my parents because I had certainly grown distant from my keeping our relationship and my sexual orientation a secret. The same had happened with J's parents. But now we have the ambiguous/sort-of-weird situation that arises when my parents know, but don't really want to know about my life. Such as when I informed them I am going to HUMP this weekend. Their shock and embarrassment tells me they don't really want to know about the sex positive community I associate with.]

“…considerable scholarship would suggest that even good parents who are themselves traumatized may have difficulties in parenting their children in such a manner as to offer sufficient support in the development of self-capacities. Parenting is an excellent example of a normative developmental milestone that can be compromised by earlier trauma exposures. Clinically, as adults these children may present with very different sets of concerns. When the traumatized parent has conveyed to the child her or his lovability and can assist the child to cognitively appraise that what is happening with the caregiver is not the child’s fault, outcomes are best, and it may require careful history taking by a psychotherapist who is aware of age-related trauma dynamics to uncover the possible contribution of parental trauma to a now adult’s difficulties with normative developmental strivings. This appears to be a more common result of situations in which a functional caregiver-child relationship is disrupted midway by a trauma such as a natural disaster or social upheaval that temporarily impairs the adult’s caregiving capacities but does not affect her or his basic love for the child or awareness of the child’s developmental needs…Somewhat more problematic appears to be parenting in which the caregiver is affected by trauma in her or his own history that has not been adequately dealt with by the caregiver” (Brown, 2008, p122-3).

[Long quote, I know, but related to my own musings about the intergenerational transfer of trauma that, in my opinion, inevitably happens, even when the previously traumatized parent has healed from the trauma. I think it can be immensely comforting to recognize that we are not born and evolve in a vacuum, but that we develop in the midst of complex family stories and narratives and we don't have to take on the family's burdens all by ourselves. For me, this is related to the sexual trauma my mom and her siblings endured, how that has been transferred to my sister and I, and how I have mediated that trauma in my own empowerment framework of sexuality to reclaim my sexuality.]

Porn & Condoms

Apparently I am a little late to this scene, but Tristan Taormino has added a new twist to her condoms-in-porn stance. You can read her full piece here and the CNN coverage about it here. (yeah, they were published in late September. I don't know how I just found out about this!)

Taormino was deeply against Measure B, proposed in LA county this past year, mandating condom use on porn sets. A big reason she cited was the fact that the use of condoms while shooting porn can create major internal wear and tear for female-bodied people, actually increasing their susceptibility to contracting STIs. Another was that condoms don't protect against all STIs. Some people develop latex allergies. She also thinks that the government involvement in porn is about politics and not about sex worker rights, health, and safety.

However, her commitment to porn actor health and safety, and her own personal story (her father died of AIDS in the mid-90s), has caused her to change her professional standards. While before she allowed actors to freely choose to shoot scenes with condoms or without, now she will be requiring condom use in her porn productions. 

I definitely encourage you to read the piece on her site (the first link) and read on to hear from porn actors about their preferences for shooting with condoms or not and why. It was fascinating and enlightening for me to read about, and there are a variety of views represented. One major theme from many people was that they would prefer condom use be normalized.

I would tend to agree with Taormino- that the fight over condom-use regulation is about politics and not the actual safety of sex workers. I think porn actors should truly have the choice to use condoms or not; they shouldn't have to worry about marketability, profit, or branding in making the choice to have sex with a barrier. Safer sex shouldn't be dependent on a company's profit margins. 

My logical brain wants condom-use in porn to be normalized. Actors deserve to practice safer sex, just like anyone else. My lustful brain fantasizes about condom-free sex and probably would be a bit more turned on watching condom-free sex. But this also relatively moot, since I don't watch porn. I opt for erotica that simply describes condom-free sex :-P

Regardless, I am glad that Taormino is as brave, ethical, and reflective as she is: it takes guts to have complex motivations and reasoning behind professional decisions, to own personal experiences that inform them, and to publicly acknowledge when your professional stance changes.

Hotwifing Porn?

I received an anonymous comment about the lack of hotwifing porn. Specifically, this person expressed a desire for less explicit porn that leaves most of the story up to the imagination, but shows the soft lead-up: sexy outfit, having drinks, flirting, making out, grinding on the dance floor. Another primary component of the porn this person is seeking shows the progression of the woman's attitude, from "No way am I fucking someone else!" to "Okay, just one drink" to flirting and grinding on the dance floor to having sex. The personality of the hotwife matters to this reader: instead of acting like a "porn star," the hotwife in the porn should show more reserve and progression in attitude.

I don't seek out hotwifing porn, so I can't really speak to where to find this kind or if it exists (and this reader was adamant that it doesn't). However, I do have some other thoughts (J helped with some of these). 

-Most men who are turned on by hotwifing fantasies are usually only really turned thinking about their significant others/partners/wives as the hotwife. So hotwifing porn, no matter how well it's done, may not be satisfying because it's not your wife in the porn. 

-If you want to show your potential hotwife porn from the genre as a means to show her what hotwifing is about, maybe you want to rethink your strategy, given the lack of softer hotwifing porn. What about reading erotica together? Create your own fantasy plot lines. Dirty talk together, with her as the star.

-Maybe you have a blockbuster porn idea! :-) Maybe write to some porn companies??

-I'm out of ideas. I wish I had more! Thanks for comment, friend! I've been trying to get my hotwife readers to write to me for a long time...

Recognizing the Third in Monogamous Relationships

My latest DatingAdvice.com post is live: Can You Be Monogamous and Attracted to Other People? (I like my title better, haha) I based this post off of Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity, in which she mentions the specter of "the third" (i.e. other people you may be attracted to) and how some couples choose to ignore the third, recognize the third, or invite the third in to their relationship. I wanted to explore some ways that monogamous couples could push the boundaries of their relationship to incorporate sexual explorations, and deepen their sense of honesty and trust.

Here's my intro:

In Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity,” she discusses the “shadow of the third.”
That is the fact that even when in coupled relationships marked by commitment and love, we often (maybe always) find ourselves attracted to other people.
By acknowledging the third, keeping your communication transparent and striving to know and understand your partner and yourself, cheating may be less likely to happen (thus preserving the commitment to monogamy you both have made).
What are ways two people can be sexually monogamous, but widen the door for more honesty and trust around sexual desires, fantasies and exploration?
The foundation for this is solid trust in your partner and relationship as sexually monogamous and a healthy way of managing your jealousy and insecurities.
I also believe it is a privilege to learn new things about someone, not a right. Being in a romantic relationship doesn’t give you the right to know about your partner’s private sexual thoughts.
If they, and you, are able to share this information, you should take it as a sign of the health and resiliency of your relationship.

I go on to offer the following ways that couples can be monogamous but add honesty and new sexual flavors to their lives; make sure to go read the post on DA so you can see my further explanation!:

Having opposite sex/opposite gender friends
Reminisce about the past
Watch porn and read erotica together
Share fantasies and attractions
Is flirting ok?
Visit strip clubs together
Visit a swingers' club or party to watch and be watched 

I would love to hear from others: what are other ways that you can be monogamous and recognize "the third" in your relationship?

#Threesome #Advanced

Just sayin'. We're pros.

[Spoiler Alert!!] Simultaneous orgasms. With three people. Hot!

Also, it was the Summer Solstice- which is why we planned a hot threesome in the first place. What better way to celebrate summer than with a pagan, super witchy sex ritual??

And!!! It was Happy 3 Months to M and I! So that was super special! So much to celebrate.

M and I started the evening with hanging out and some quickies (yes, the blinds in our bedroom were open; my favorite). M and J needed to study (my life supporting two super busy students) and I worked out. We freshened up and hung out a little more (after M and I successfully maneuvered our first real miscommunication, apology, and forgiveness process- yay for healthy relationships!), and then M and I went up to New Seasons to get picnic-y foods for dinner. We enjoyed meat and cheese and veggie chips and wine, and then the three of us went out for delicious dessert. We talked about our families and other relationships and the Enneagram (love that thing). By the time we got back it was after 12am. 

M had requested threesome porn, so we quickly put that on for background. I was (surprisingly) the last one to get naked this time; I liked mixing it up! (Ha). I remember so much skin, so much oral sex, feeling so much love and connection to these two wonderful people. Two of us spoiling the third and then switching around, daisy chain-ing, sometimes a third just watching the other two. 

The end was just glorious. I was laying on my back. M was straddling me. We were making out. J started fucking M, and there isn't much else that comes as close for me as watching J with another women. I kept coming and coming, with my finger, and then nothing, touching my clit. I got to kiss M and rub her breasts, and I got squeeze J's sexy legs. I could feel the energy pulsating, almost in a straight line, connecting all of us together. I could feel it. I was about to come so hard. And then, surprising I think all of us, we all came at the same time. So so so hot. Magical.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to be honest with J, cuddly with both M and J, and emotionally intimate with M. All of that completely wrapped up a beautiful evening. (And then about 30 minutes later, J was ready for round 2, so we took care of that!)

I have a blog post for DA in the pipeline (already written, just hasn't been published yet) about positive threesome experiences. This one takes the cake over all of those I previously wrote about.

Factors that made it sizzle:
Love. Compersion. Honesty. Emotional intimacy. Porn. Realizing Fantasies. A simultaneous orgasm with three people (have I mentioned that already?)

#Threesome #Advanced

Happy National Masturbation Month!

I am so glad I ran across this news! (I obviously have been living under a rock since I didn't know this before. Whoops.)

From The Examiner: "Is May really National Masturbation Month?"

And, from the Huffington Post: "Masturbate-A-Thon 2013 in Philadelphia Celebrates National Masturbation Month"

From the Examiner piece, a brief explanation of the history:
"In case you were wondering, May is National Masturbation Month. The celebration of May as National Masturbation Month began in 1995 in San Francisco as a response to the forced resignation of then U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders.
After a speech at the United Nations World AIDS Day in 1994, an audience member asked Elders about masturbation’s potential for discouraging early sexual activity. She answered,“I think it is something that is part of human sexuality and a part of something that perhaps should be taught.”
That was the end of Elders' career as America's first black Surgeon General, but the spark for National Masturbation Month. Offended by Elders' ouster, the ever progressive, pro-sex staff of San Francisco's sex toy and education company Good Vibrations decided to find a way to keep the focus on Elders' unjust firing, and to bring talk about masturbation into the mainstream in just the way Elders had envisioned.
Realizing that large number of folks lacked support and advice to help them enjoy the simple, basic act of masturbation, Good Vibrations sought to provide support, advice, and reassurance for people looking to open their own personal sexual horizons.
And so was born National Masturbation Month. Among the first steps Good Vibrations took was to promote masturbation as healthy, safe and natural way to express one's sexuality, thereby removing much of the shame and stigma have so long colored the act masturbation."

 
And, the entirety of the Huffington Post piece:
"This fundraiser is a stroke of genius.
Philadelphia's first Masturbate-a-Thon began Wednesday -- to mark this beginning of National Masturbation Month -- but won't finish until May 27, Philadelphia Magazine reports. And everyone's excited.
Sponsors can donate money for every hour participators spend... being charitable.
Profits go to local sex education groups, ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush!.
Fundraising efforts can be logged on Crowdrise.com. Through the event, the site hopes to ignite conversations that reduce the stigma around expressing sexuality, promote sexual health, and emphasize the importance of pleasure.
On May 30, the Thursday after the event ends, folks are invited to attend "Creamium" -- a gameshow and dance party where prizes like "Most Creative Fantasy," "Most Pleasure Connections," and "Most Money Raised" will be handed out.
Enjoy!"

I love it. 

Masturbation, for me, is an expression of self-love, -appreciation, -wonder, -amazement, and -gratitude. It is an important practice of my self care regimen.

My plans for self-pleasure this month include:

Bring myself to orgasm while taking a bath.
Use my suction cup dildo in the shower.
Set up in front of my closet mirror and watch myself come with my Hitachi.
Masturbate right before bed.
Masturbate right when waking up.
Find some porn I like and watch it while masturbating.
Take the time to read some hot erotica to turn myself on.
Masturbate in a semi-public place.

What are your masturbation plans?

D/S, Porn Theater, & A Gay Male Strip Club

You know the scene in Aladdin where Jasmine is shackled and does everything Jafar commands? That scene has turned me on since I was a kid. I never understood it, and as I grew up, I pushed the scene out of my head, because surely, any intelligent feminist with a head screwed on properly would not get turned on by nonconsensual submission. Well, thank goodness for Yes Means Yes (remember this post of mine?) and for being able to take a step out of the "this kind of sex is right and that kind is wrong" box. 

Well, J and I have been exploring our D/S relationship more and more in the past few weeks. That includes J being pretty rough with me during sex and telling me what to do. He holds my neck, we have experimented with choking (not to the point where I can't actually breathe), forces my head down, slaps my face, spanks me, pulls my hair, and tells me how he wants to use my body. I love it. I enter this space where I feel totally free. I don't decide anything and I feel so submissive. My brain just lets go. I give all of my power over to J and it feels so connecting and freeing. I don't know if I can explain it any better. I know that J has had to work at being in a dominant space (he has explained that it doesn't come to him naturally), but the more we experiment, the more it seems like he lets himself be a dominant to me. He tells me what a good girl I am and uses deliciously derogatory language.

The other night we J got totally into the dominant space and played with me and got me all worked up. I have never been so flushed in the face. He ordered me to get ready to go out and that I would have to do everything he told me to while we were out; it would end once I got him off when we were back home. I was in heaven.

We decided to check out a porn theater. We had never been before, and it was as seedy as everyone has told us it is. It made us appreciate the rules that prevail at our swingers' club, not to mention the cleanliness and attention to detail. In my submissive space though, I almost let my exhibitionist side win out; J really wanted me to masturbate on the bed in the front of the theater. But then we both looked at each other, too grossed out from how much of a "jack shack" it was, and decided to leave. Better luck elsewhere.

Luckily for us, we happened by a gay male strip club that I had been dying to go to for ages. We went in and I loved it. You know how many female strippers are pretty hot? Well, many male strippers are pretty damn hot, too. And, it was so much fun to see J get hit on! And I loved how welcoming the space was. I saw straight couples and lesbian couples, and tons and tons of gay couples. It was so different compared to the heteronormative feeling of female strip clubs. It was also more like a night club, and I really enjoyed how social it felt.

That night, after getting J off and being released from the my submissive state, I had some crazy dreams. I was captured and held hostage, forced to do things I can't remember, chained against my will. I have never really had conscious nonconsensual fantasies before, but maybe they are there, deep in my psyche. There's always more to look forward to ;-)

HUMP 2012!!!

HUMP!!!

was so awesome :D

Here's a link to the Mercury's brief description of all of the entries. Here is what J and I thought about our favorites and the ones that stood out to us:

-Magic Love was J's favorite and one of my favorites. It was super cute and funny with how they used stop-motion animation. The FMF at the end looked cute and fun, and the packing peanut cum was hilarious.

-We both thought The Beat was hysterical. I voted that one Best Sex (I also voted a masturbation entry last year as Best Sex- there is something about masturbation that is so hot to me)- the guy was just totally diggin it. And the end (spoiler alert!) where we see he is a Mormon is just awesome.

-Dueling Dames was great. It was one of the entries where the sex actually looked fun- like everyone involved was really into what they were doing. And the premise of a competition devolving into sexy awesomeness and cooperation was fabulous. 

-Toe The Line was awesome!! J loved the political nature of this one. I thought it was really clever, too. They say fuck off, so we say get off! :D Want to stick it to the anti-gay evangelists? Jack off to Romney on TV and get it on in the Mars Hill church parking lot. Done and done.

-Boyfriend was spectacular. It was as well done (in my mind) as Teenage Dream was last year. Extremely well choreographed and planned and filmed and clever! Loved it. I think we both voted for it as Best in Show.

-I was so happy to see an entry featuring a differently-abled individual. I think Krutch really helped expose the sexuality and sensuality of the individual in the film. I am hopeful that it got people thinking about people with disabilities, and the fact that we are trained to see these folks as not being sexual. Being alive means experiencing sexuality, and just because someone looks different doesn't mean they don't also desire sex and experience their sexuality.

-Neither of us are artsy enough to pick up on the subtlety and intention of Milking Honeys. It was the only "art film" submission, and I am sad to say the meaning was lost on me.

-This post would be incomplete if I didn't mention Mansmash. Why? Because the Mercury's description of it is completely accurate for both of us: "Jam-packed with horrifying images that will instantly sear into your brain, this flick combines masochism, absurdity, and coconut milk with a speed metal soundtrack." This film is (unfortunately) seared into my brain. I respect kink and BDSM and fetishes, and I think it is awesome when people find other people to explore those things with. And I think it's great that people (like audiences at HUMP) can be exposed to ideas and turn-ons like this, if they haven't been already. But Christ Almighty- it was just too much for both of us. I wish I had covered my eyes. I did vote this one as Best Kink.

Some overall impressions: there was a lot of group sex this year!! A lot more than we remember last year. It was kind of odd to see so much of it because of how normalized it made group sex seem. Also- even though lesbian sex was one of the qualifications for bonus points and thus there was a lot of girl-girl sex, there were only a few submissions where the two women actually looked like they were into each other (I am thinking of Beyondeep, Dueling Dames, and Produce). And, I was totally waiting to see some squirting. None!! I will have to change that next year I think. As I will also have to change the fact that there were no multiple men-single women (aka gangbang or goddess worship) entries. :D

A little camera work

We finally invested in a camcorder and tripod. (Thank god!)

Oh. em. gee. So much fun!!!

And then after watching our homemade porn, we had to go at it again.

I don't know what about filming ourselves turns me on so much. Is it the exhibitionism aspect? Is it the ability to watch J's ass and legs from another angle and relive the experience? Is it the fact that while I am sitting here typing this J is watching it again on his computer? It's all of those things :-D

This reminds me: Everyone go get your tickets to HUMP 2012!! We bought ours last night, and cannot wait to go again!

OH EM GEE

OUR FAVORITE COMEDY SUBMISSION FROM HUMP 2011 HAS BEEN ON YOU TUBE (and we didn't even know it until yesterday when J got caught up on Dan Savage's podcast!):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eSWIfToGGsk

Oh god, it's so hilarious. Watch it!

I Found It!!

I finally found J's p spot! And brought him to spectacular orgasm! YESSSS!!! :-D

This must be what it feels like for a partner who finds his/her partner's g spot. It was incredible!

I loved the whole experience- lubing him up, giving him an awesome blow job, dirty talking, and slowly working my fingers into him. As I stroked his p spot he became more and more aroused, I could feel his p spot getting bigger and bigger until finally I watched him cum. It was absolutely crazy how much it felt like fingering a vagina. Really similar orgasmic contractions, only way stronger.

We invested in a couple new toys for him- prostate massagers. We haven't used them yet, as we are still working our way up to them. But we also got Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging (which is something we both want to do very badly!!), which has had some really helpful tips so far for anal play. Such as the fact that the prostate is about 2-3 inches inside the rectum- I wasn't successful in locating it until now because for some reason thought it was much closer to the opening. And seeing actors in positions that work for them to stimulate the prostate was also really helpful. I love educational porn! Totally helpful, and puts me even more in the mood, because I'm like "Oooo I want to do that!" :-D

Yay. :-)

The Feminist Porn Show

Gah!! The Feminist Porn Show was so much fun! Tristan Taormino was informative and funny, and an awesome tour guide through the show she created.
 
Tristan's definition of Feminist Porn is as follows:
"Feminist porn both responds to dominant images with alternative ones and creates its own iconography. It strives to represent a diversity of gender identities and expressions, sexual orientations, fantasies and desires, sexual roles and activities, races and ethnicities, body types, and historically underrepresented and misrepresented minorities. It challenges cultural norms of beauty and sex appeal, heteronormativity, race and class stereotypes, and the very definition of what “sex” is and what it should look like."
See Tristan's perspectives on FP here (this is also the link from which I took her definition).

Her show consisted of feminist porn from the 1980s until 2011, and she organized it based on the focus of the clip: Ladies First (those that showcase women's desires and sexual agency), Well Lit Stories (those that use story lines, artistic and flattering lighting and filming), Queer Factor (those that focus on sex among queer partners), Hot for Teacher (porn that teaches about particular sexual acts, such as oral sex or pegging), To Be Real (porn that focuses on actors who choose their partners), Upside Down (I forget the theme of these clips- whoops!), Trans Triple X (focusing on trans actors), Dangerously Diverse (focusing on racial and ability diversity), and Artcore (porn that uses highly artistic means, such as nonlinear story lines).


The most memorable clips for me included:
-Two men going down on one woman (so funny in light of mainstream porn focus on having two women go down on one man!)
-A different kind of gangbang in which the central woman uses men, who are slaves, to fulfill all of her sexual and erotic desires
-Tristan's "Chemistry" series in which actors are together for 36 hours in one house and choose who they do and how
-Tristan's "Rough Sex" series, in which the actor chooses her rough sex scenes and partners
-A woman in a wheelchair discussing how she has just as much want and desire as otherly-abled people
-Buck Angels' Sexxing the Transman, in which he interviews and films a transman discussing his sexuality


One thing that caught my interest was the fact that there is virtually no age diversity in mainstream or feminist porn. I asked Tristan about this, and she said there are basically no porn actors over 35. It seems potentially like an untapped market! Well, maybe. I don't know :-) There is also a gap in all porn when it comes to trans porn.


Also, I am incredibly turned on my gay porn. I should just buy myself some.
Woot!

The L Word

J and I have been watching "The L Word," the 2004 Showtime series. I honestly don't know who likes it more- me or him. I guess the main thing is: we both love it!


We realized why we both like it so much. The downside to traditional, free porn online is that there is hardly a story or plot. You don't get to know the characters, and if there is any storyline, it is cheesy and embarrassing at best. The downside to written erotica is that you don't get the added pleasure of seeing the action visually (although there is definitely something to be said for having the freedom to visualize characters and scenes however you please). The L Word is the best of both worlds: developed characters and plots, hot actors, and hot sex. It's like erotica come to life!


I just can't believe how turned on we both can get from watching this show. I think it's pretty dramatic, and sometimes cheesy, and I also am a bit annoyed that there isn't much size difference among the actors on the show (most of them are rail-thin!). But, it is entertaining enough, and when sex does happen on the show, it adds to the plot and characters. I also think the show does a decent job of showing different kinds of sex- while the passionate scenes turn me on the most, I like seeing slower and more sensual sex, and sex between long-time partners.


Yay porn, yay erotica, yay The L Word! And yay for the fact that we are still on season 1, and each episode is like 45 minutes long... we have a lot to get through ;-)


Happy Weekend!

A Raunchy Birthday Morning

Happy Birthday to J! 

It was J's birthday a few days ago... And awaiting him when he woke up was this:

Awesome, right?? :-D A little GW porn, his favorite sleeve, and some nice lube make for a wonderful solo morning! Especially on a birthday!

We Got HUMPed!

I can't believe we almost missed HUMP (The Stranger's amateur and locally-produced porn festival) because I got food poisoning the night before. It was unbelievable! (HUMP, not the food poisoning.) I loved it. So did J. We just sat there the whole time, enraptured. We laughed, said "what the hell?!?," cringed, and got turned on. It was awesome. Not to mention, Dan Savage was at our screening to introduce HUMP. He is so cute!!!

Both J and I loved "Centaur." It was completely made-me-cry-hysterical. We want to share it with others so badly, because it was just so darn funny. However, one of HUMP's mottos is "Porn star for the weekend, not for life," and so the video is gone, gone, gone. The women in the film had the best dead-pan faces and the best lines. Some of our favorites (note: not actual quotes. We did the best we could from memory!):
"I shimmy up his back and sit on his face. . . He likes this."
"His cum tastes like mountain spring water. Which is good, because there's a lot of it."
"His penis gyrates and the end of it vibrates. . . I guess it's a little like my vibrator."
"He is in the great room preparing for battle. I try to seduce him, but he yells at me 'No, woman, I am preparing my sword for battle!!'"

I wasn't surprised at all when I was turned on the whole time. Not because I was attracted to all of the videos or the people in them. In fact, some of the videos didn't do anything for me. But again, I think it might be related to the whole notion of women being more easily turned on by sex in general; even watching sex in claymation between centaurs and women turned me on.

Which is why I was not surprised at all that one of the videos that turned me on the most was called (I think) "Sex on the Beach." It was a cartoon for god's sakes. But, it featured two things that turn me on a ton: gay sex, and GW sex. And, baby, it worked for me.

One that I thought was particularly well done was "Pedal to Pleasure." It featured a beautiful woman who rides her bike into the countryside and masturbates. It was one of the most, if not the most, authentic orgasms I saw in the festival.

Our friends had told us to watch out for the piece called "Knife." I was nervous for this one. But... while I was on the edge of my seat the whole time as the woman's partner traced a knife around on her bare skin, I understood the power play. And I liked it. I didn't like it when he put the knife in her vagina. But that's just me.

J got turned on by far fewer and a different bunch of videos than me. He liked the Furry sex video, largely because the woman was hot. Yeah, she was. He also really liked the Miller's Daughter because the figures were ambiguous but also attractive and featured young, possibly experimental, and therefore, probably exciting, sex. This was really interesting to me; this was one of the videos I did not like as well because of the animation. But I understand better now why he liked it.

Of course, the video "Teenage Dream" was awesome. It was clearly very-well done and looked like a professionally-made piece. Even though it never showed actual sex, there were plenty of naked men rubbing each other in the shower to make me happy.

"Don't Call Me Missy" was also one of our favorites because we have a personal connection to the film. I honestly don't know how I would view it if I didn't have that connection to it because the fighting and intense physical power play doesn't turn me on. But because I know what it does for the people in the video, it makes me really happy. Because it was our second time seeing it, we weren't shocked to see the slapping, body slamming, and crazy wrestler moves. But it was so much fun to see it on the big screen and hear the reactions and laughter among the audience. And I am pretty sure I fell asleep that night with the song used in the video playing on repeat in my head.

We don't want to "out" our good friends without their permission, but they got a really high award for their entry! We are so proud of them!

I never thought I would say I was "proud" of friends winning an award in an amateur porn film festival... But there you go. I am very proud! Very proud and very happy! :-D ... I can't wait until HUMP 2012!

Sexual Violence & Rape Culture

I was recently hired as an intern for a small nonprofit working on sexual violence prevention. I am really excited to work with them on their awareness campaigns, fundraising, curriculum development, and starting a local chapter. Being hired has given me pause to reflect on sexual violence and how it relates to my experience negotiating and navigating our open relationship.

I grew up with very clear ideas about sexuality from my mom. Because she (and her siblings) was molested for a number of years by her stepfather, she had a very clear message to send to me and my sister about sex: it should always be consensual and caring. Consensual sex was the only kind to have; if I didn't want to have sex for any reason, then I shouldn't have it. I should never feel pressured for any reason to have sex. Interestingly, I found out last weekend that my mom and dad did not have premarital sex. They dated for two years before getting married, and while my mom would sleep over at my dad's apartment, she always slept on the couch. When my dad first told me this, I thought he was lying because he was embarrassed to be talking to his daughter about sex; well, he wasn't. My mom's traumatic childhood forced her to vet her future partner for as long and as best she could before allowing her body to be open to someone else again.

My experiences with sex, thankfully, have never been on the negative end of the spectrum. I have always had consensual and caring sex, and it has always been a clear choice for me to have sex or not (an exception to this is if I count my first anal sex experience as non-consensual, which I do some days). Opening up our relationship was easy in the sense that I have had only positive experiences with sex; I have never worried about my psychological or physical safety or health when getting naked and inviting someone to touch me and sharing my body and self with someone else. My positive sexual past has allowed me to explore other positive sexual experiences. Unlike my mom and others close to me, I have not had to do the difficult and painful work of confronting a non-consensual sexual past or experience to move forward in order to have positive experiences. This recognition is partly why I am so determined to help re-shape our culture around patriarchy and sexual violence.

Critically thinking about my fantasy for multiple men-single woman encounters (which I refuse to call a "gang bang" for much longer- it reminds me too much of gang bang rape; thus, my insistence for people to call it something else!! Goddess Worship works!) through this lens of sexual violence is so interesting. I am just so curious about where this fantasy came from. Is it our rape culture? (Rape culture refers to our cultural acceptance and tolerance for violence-physical, emotional, psychological- against women, sexual objectification of women, etc.) Or is it more related to my growing awareness of my sexual role as a sub? I definitely would not like or want a goddess worship experience where there was violence or disrespect involved. My attraction to the goddess worship experience seems to be from being a major sub, and just wanting to get a bunch of guys off in the same night. I get totally turned on thinking about giving all of the power in that situation to J (however, this is in the vein of the "suspending disbelief" that Dan Savage talks about- I know I could still totally stop anything I didn't like. But suspending belief for an encounter, and playing into the power play, definitely turns me on). But I wonder how media messages around men being dominant and women being submissive, and the cultural acceptance of that traditional relationship between men and women, have affected me. I am also curious about how porn and erotica have influenced my perception of this fantasy.

I got quite an extensive reading list from my supervisor, and I am excited to read through some new books, and report on related ideas. Some of the titles are: Yes Means Yes, The Purity Myth (this is the one I am most excited about!), and Transforming a Rape Culture.

A Billion Wicked Thoughts

I read and thoroughly digested A Billion Wicked Thoughts by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam.

I take one MAJOR issue with this book: the authors take the trends they see through their Internet research, and instead of saying, "Whoa! Look at what people like/desire/find attractive/find sexy, etc! Isn't this crazy that no one talks about any of this! It's clear more people have kinks and fetishes and more people watch porn than we recognize! Cool!," they attempt to say "Whoa! Look at what people like/desire/find attractive/find sexy, etc! That means that female brains are designed differently than male brains! That's why we are so different! No wonder women are jealous of emotional connections and men are jealous of physical connections! It's part of the neural design!"


A message like the latter could not be more opposed to what J and I have learned and hold so dearly from Sex at Dawn. Males and females, while different sexes, are socialized differently. That is why we accept jealousy, controlling behavior, and possessiveness in our relationships. Not because we are hard-wired to feel that way.


Anyways, reading the book as a description of what people today are doing sexually, at least online, is fascinating. It is a good look at the kinds of porn, video and written, that people are searching for online, as well as the trends in sentiments toward different kinks, fantasies, and fetishes. Their research supports the trend in heterosexual women watching gay porn, men getting off on multiple men-single woman porn (also known as "gang-bang porn," but I prefer J's new name for it- Goddess Worshiping, or GW, porn) because of the sperm competition theory, the "erotical illusions" of straight men being attracted to male-to-female transgender porn (the guy gets both the boobs and the penis!), and the notion that male sexual desire "sets" sometime during adolescence while female sexual desire is fluid and ever-changing in response to cultural trends.


I found all of those trends fascinating, especially as they were depicted in popular search terms, OK Cupid survey questions, most-viewed porn, and most popular fan fiction, erotica, and slash. 


I found the authors' backwards mentality disheartening: just because more women read erotica than watch video porn, and just because most erotica features alpha males that ultimately succumb to the beautiful heroine's Magic Hoo Hoo and hers alone while professing their undying and singular love, DOES NOT mean that the female brain is designed to value emotional and psychological connections over physical ones. Similarly, just because more men watch video porn and just because most video porn features large penises, large boobs, and wild, raunchy screaming and yelling DOES NOT mean that the male brain is designed to value over-the-top physical cues over emotional and psychological connections. What it means, to me at least, is that this is the current cultural trend in online porn and erotica: more women read erotica and sexual fan fiction than watch video porn, and more men watch video porn than read erotica. And I personally think that the stereotypical characters presented in erotica (alpha males) and video porn (men with large penises and women with large boobs) are indicative of our culture's current obsession (or preference) for these characters and images.

This book is a fairly quick read, and I recommend it with a grain of salt. Take it as a current read on our country's sexual temperature, and you will find some fascinating tidbits!