Clarifying Values & What's Important

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!

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I have been stressed out since my meeting with my professor. Luckily, I had social engagements planned beforehand for the weekend which all allowed me to get out and do things with people who care about me. I still found myself drifting off and zoning out, thinking about all of this crap. I told J on Friday: I don’t really feel like going out, I don’t really feel like doing this, but I think I probably should. And I’m glad I did. My counselor affirmed that as well (I saw her for a second appointment on Saturday to talk about everything): Make sure to schedule time to not think about all of this. It will be really important in allowing what’s important to you to rise to the surface.

So, in happy news: Friday night I had a fabulous date with a fabulous woman (yummy wine + The L Word + lady sex = AMAZING). Saturday night J and I went out for a little bit to the Velvet Rope (it was super dead there but I got to see my fave male stripper). Sunday night we had a really fun hang-out and movie night time with some of our besties (and watched “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy,” which was surprisingly good and I actually really enjoyed!!)

My counselor recommended that I try to clarify what is important to me to guide my decision making. She asked me, What floats to the surface with all of this? Here are some of the points I have sussed out so far:

1. I want to end dancing on my own terms, not on someone else’s. I don’t think I will have closure and the resolution I want otherwise. Dancing has been about self-empowerment on a number of levels, and so to end because someone else told me I cannot do it (for whatever reason) would be highly unsatisfying. Being bullied into quitting dancing is not okay for me.

2. Dancing has become more and more political to me, and my ability to dance has taken on more macro level importance: sex worker rights, un-shame-ing (i.e., empowerment of) and allowing space for female sexuality, etc. My personal act of dancing in the way that I do it has political implications of disturbing stereotypical ideas of what it means to be a stripper, what female sexuality looks like and can be, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be an activist. I can’t ignore the broader implications of engaging in sex work (and what it would mean to have a professor tell me I cannot do it because it is “unethical”).

3. I have worked really hard to be out as myself with most people in most contexts. I don’t intend to give it up. Being out is one of my core values.
I am sure there will be other main points if importance that come up for me in the coming weeks, but this was a good start that I had over the weekend. I can start to see some potential paths take more shape, and I am confident that as long as I figure out what is important to me and stick by that, that I will make the decision that is right for me.

Thank you to everyone for your support and love. I have been overwhelmed this weekend by everyone around me (in-person, via email, on Facebook, on here) that has shown me support. Thank you.

Keeping Score?

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed :)

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Someone on FB posted this a week ago, and I found it pretty interesting and entertaining:

Why I Keep a Spreadsheet of Everyone I’ve Slept With

It was sort of funny to read, because when J and I were “celebrating” our first year of having an open relationship, I decided I wanted to make a spreadsheet of all of the people we had met in the open community, and whether we had had a romantic, sexual, and/or friendship type of relationship with them. I did it chronologically and systematically. I felt like I was being an excavator of my own wild sexual self, uncovering and reliving all of the memories we had made. It was also helpful in remembering all of the lessons I had learned from each person we had encountered.

I haven’t kept up that list but it’s still an interesting idea to me. And the author brings up several points that resonated with me. For one, even if I had a casual sexual relationship with someone/people, it was an intimate experience that we shared. I don’t walk around the streets naked and I don’t share my vulnerable, sexual self with everyone. Undressing and showing people how to pleasure me and learning how to pleasure them is an intimate act, even if the emotional and mental connection isn’t sufficient enough for me to call it “intimate sex.”

Like Barry expresses: “Sex is still an intimate experience for me, even if at times the circumstances in which I’m having it are casual. I form a connection with those I sleep with, and there’s a fundamental respect I have for all of them. I tend to remain friends with those I’ve hooked up with, or at the very least amicable.”

And, for me, the process of legitimately keeping track is not about belt-notching/quantity/numbers. It’s about having a way to really keep track of the connections I have made, lost, and regained with people.

What do you think? Is keeping track (and not just in your head, but on paper) who you have sex with, had a relationship with, dated, etc a neutral act? Or does it introduce some kind of score-keeping into the intimate landscape of relationships that shouldn’t be there?

Follow Up: Poly Mecca?

Read on SexualityReclaimed!

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I am so stoked that I was able to co-auther that piece on Portland as a poly mecca- it even was mentioned in Poly in the News (woot woot!).

I shamelessly promoted the piece on my FB open group as well, and I was so glad to read a comment someone in the group made, which went along the lines of: Portland is lovely, but do we really have the numbers to constitute a mecca?

No, I don’t think so. I think it’s a strong word choice. I’m sure it’s easier to find partners as someone operating from a poly worldview in SF or NYC or Seattle. But, like I mentioned in my comment back to her, for someone (Louisa) who grew up in the UK and living in Sweden to view Portland as a “poly mecca” says something about the buzz Portland receives.

I do think Portland has a pretty amazing sex positive scene, but after the trip J and I took to Seattle, it’s more and more apparent to me that we have a much smaller community than other metro areas. Perhaps, though, we have more sex positive/open/poly/kinky people per vanilla capita than other metro areas. And maybe that’s what makes it so noticeable.

Any other thoughts? For those of you living in Portland: does it feel like a sex positive mecca to you? For those of you living elsewhere: does your community feel like a safe space to be yourself out in public, or not? Why?

What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

Please go check this post out on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

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I am so excited to announce that I have made another amazing connection- with Louisa Leontiades, of The Husband Swap. (See my post about her book here.) She also hosts several amazing websites: MultipleMatch, The Vagina Times, Postmodern Women, among others. She also writes a blog for the Huffington Post.

I recently co-authored an article with her about Portland as a poly-mecca, which is now live on MultipleMatch and will be published soon on HuffPo (I’ll be announcing that when it happens- I am so excited!)

Definitely go check her stuff out; I am thrilled to be in connection with her!

Here is the beginning of the article about Portland; please go read the rest!

“What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time

This also allows for an amazing number of strip clubs to exist. In fact Portland stands as the city with the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country – most of which are fully nude clubs. Establishments are allowed to have both nudity and alcohol which attracts visitors from neighboring states to enjoy both booze and bums. This also means that Portland has the legal and social infrastructure to support two swingers’ clubs, both of which offer the ability to imbibe and have sex onsite.”

Queering Myself

I have been struggling a little with the following lately:

I look so damn straight.

I can't (and definitely don't!!) want to change my primary relationship. But that makes me look straight.

I like my feminine gender expression, and some of the traditional things that go with that: make-up, long hair, etc. That makes me look straight, too.

How do I tell other hot queer chicks that I am "one of them"??

I don't want to change myself to gain "acceptance." I want to just be me, long hair, mascara, and all.

Does the fact that I don't seem to be "noticed" by other queer people mean that I don't put out the vibe that I identify that way? Does it tell me that I'm not actually queer?

Haha, oh goodness... that can't be! Right?? Because I know how I feel across gender and sex lines. I know when I'm into someone and what that means (i.e., jump them, take them home, and spend hours with them doing lots of things...).

I want to be noticed and appreciated by other queer people.

*whine*

Maybe I need to try noticing and appreciating other queer people?
Maybe I need to put myself out there more? (*what does that mean exactly?)
Maybe I should try hitting on people?
Maybe I should try harder to meet people?

Does it have to to do with the vibe you get from people (me) when they are already in a relationship, versus when they're single? Am I entering an age group where people want to "settle down" with one person, and aren't interested in dating someone who already has a partner? Is that dynamic perhaps more true for queer women? Am I finding that my dating pool is simply declining, as people rule me out for not wanting to date someone in an open relationship, not attracted to a straight-looking girl, etc.?

Why do I have more questions than answers? :-P

Rough Patches in Our Open Relationship

My latest DA post went live: The Cons I've Experienced in My Open Relationship.

This one was tough for me to write at the time, and is still not my favorite to read. It's just kind of downer for me to reflect on some of the major difficulties I have had! Haha :) But I suppose it's also a great thing to see that I/we got through them.

Dating Monogamous People

How would you usually deal or cope with the idea if J was interested in seeing someone that was single and not familiar with the open concept, but wanting to know more? I'm having a difficult time relaxing about it, so I thought maybe hearing someone else's perspective on it might help a bit.

I think this is a pretty common sentiment. Many people I know in open relationships, myself included, feel threatened thinking about their partner dating someone who may be monogamously oriented and not respect my relationship with J.

I think, too, the idea of J dating single people was initially more threatening for me, because those single people don't have other partners taking up time and commitment, and so may demand more time and commitment from J. There wasn't a sort of predetermined "cap" on where the relationship "could go" because other relationships took up time and energy in that person's life. (I am aware these feelings reflect couple privilege, and a bias toward considering romantic relationships versus familial ones or friendships. These have been feelings of mine, and not my logical conclusions around this issue.)

However, I think it is really important to figure out what exactly you feel threatened by and communicating this to your partner. You can then either ask for something (a behavior change, reassurance, etc.) or simply trust that by expressing your concerns to your partner, they will be sensitive to your feelings.

Also, it is important to try to remember that each person is different. This new  person may end up deciding that they don't want to operate in an open relationship. The new person may end up deciding they absolutely love open relationships and want more from your partner, happy with how much they have, or are ready to move on from your partner. The person may be someone you get along with really well or someone that you don't. They may convey a lot of respect toward you and your relationship or disinterest or disdain. So many situations and dynamics are possible, and you simply can't account for all of them. And you can drive yourself crazy trying to prepare for everything, when it simply isn't possible.

I think being open as you can toward the unknown can help. What do you know? You know yourself, and you know as much as you can about your partner. You know your work, where you live, what you stand by. Remain in your core to stay open and compassionate.

Practically, figure out strategies that may help alleviate your anxiety: Ask your partner about basic information about the person. Ask to meet the new dating partner. These things may help you get evidence for yourself that the new partner is someone you can basically trust to respect you and your relationship. 

Also: role model what being in an open relationship is all about. This person is new to the world of open relationships? Show them how it's done! With clear, transparent, and compassionate communication, integrity, and an open heart. By showing yourself, your partner, and the new partner who you are and how you operate, how can you not elicit some level or respect? :)

Happy

This is a post to say:

I am feeling so happy today, especially in this moment.

I am off from work for 3-4 weeks and I have enough money to get me through.
J is done with the Bar today (about this minute).
I emailed J's mom, apologized for things I am truly sorry for, and received a warm and loving email back from her. We even talked on the phone the next day and it was warm and loving.
I finally applied The Work to my drama from last summer, and as things were settling out in my brain and as I was deciding to send an apology email to the woman from last summer, I received a message from her. The world works in mysterious ways. I emailed her my apologies, and received a short and sweet message in kind.
I noticed on FB that an ex-boyfriend from high school was in PDX with his fam. I have held some resentment toward him for a long time because it was a weird relationship with weird dynamics, and when I tried telling him that I loved him  he hushed me before I could. I thought I saw him on the street last night, messaged him, and received a super sweet response in which he apologized for being a less-than-stellar BF and hoped we could be friends.
I had an amazing time reconnecting with my cousin this week.
I had a fabulous facial AND massage from two loving and amazing people.
Had a really great counseling session in which my counselor said that if three relationship hurts went "poof" in one week, something I'm doing is working.

And I have I mentioned our Big Party is THIS WEEKEND?! And that I am so excited??

And my GF gets home next week?!?

And then we are going to Glacier National Park for our Honeymoon?

And then I get to go back to school in September??

My life is truly amazing. I am blessed.

Intimate Relationships Map Updated

So funny that before I published my post on intimate relationships map I caught a few different errors I had made, and since I posted it, there have been a couple other things that I realized I messed up (one I realized, another that was brought to my attention). Clearly, all of this is pretty complicated and a dynamic part of life.

The things I added are in the upper right part of the diagram:

Romantic relationships
Nonsexual romantic relationships
Nonsexual nonromantic intimate friendships

And, obviously any orientation can hook up into these relationships depending on relationship and personal boundaries (dating, solo poly, partnered poly, monogamous-oriented, don't ask/don't tell, etc).

I think you can click on the image to make it bigger :)

Intimate Relationships Maps

Have you seen this map before?

Here is my reinterpretation, albeit not as pretty :) I don't particularly like the value judgements in the map above (assuming codependency only happens in monogamous relationships, only depicting empty marriages as monogamous ones- I think any of that can happen regardless of the relationship structure you are in), and I also was a little confused as to why celibacy (which has to do with sexual behavior) was included in the map, when other sexual behaviors were not (kinks, BDSM, etc) (although J did point out that for some who choose celibacy it is about an intimate relationship with themselves or god). I also totally know that my map below is not exhaustive either :)

How do you map out intimate relationships?

Awesome Threesome Experiences

"My 5 Hottest Threesome Experiences" is live on DatingAdvice.com today :) I love this post! So many positive memories, experiences, fantasies, situations to look forward to... And don't forget about my #Threesome #Advanced post I published a couple of weeks ago! (Because that most definitely counts among my hottest threesome experiences)

#Threesome #Advanced

Just sayin'. We're pros.

[Spoiler Alert!!] Simultaneous orgasms. With three people. Hot!

Also, it was the Summer Solstice- which is why we planned a hot threesome in the first place. What better way to celebrate summer than with a pagan, super witchy sex ritual??

And!!! It was Happy 3 Months to M and I! So that was super special! So much to celebrate.

M and I started the evening with hanging out and some quickies (yes, the blinds in our bedroom were open; my favorite). M and J needed to study (my life supporting two super busy students) and I worked out. We freshened up and hung out a little more (after M and I successfully maneuvered our first real miscommunication, apology, and forgiveness process- yay for healthy relationships!), and then M and I went up to New Seasons to get picnic-y foods for dinner. We enjoyed meat and cheese and veggie chips and wine, and then the three of us went out for delicious dessert. We talked about our families and other relationships and the Enneagram (love that thing). By the time we got back it was after 12am. 

M had requested threesome porn, so we quickly put that on for background. I was (surprisingly) the last one to get naked this time; I liked mixing it up! (Ha). I remember so much skin, so much oral sex, feeling so much love and connection to these two wonderful people. Two of us spoiling the third and then switching around, daisy chain-ing, sometimes a third just watching the other two. 

The end was just glorious. I was laying on my back. M was straddling me. We were making out. J started fucking M, and there isn't much else that comes as close for me as watching J with another women. I kept coming and coming, with my finger, and then nothing, touching my clit. I got to kiss M and rub her breasts, and I got squeeze J's sexy legs. I could feel the energy pulsating, almost in a straight line, connecting all of us together. I could feel it. I was about to come so hard. And then, surprising I think all of us, we all came at the same time. So so so hot. Magical.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to be honest with J, cuddly with both M and J, and emotionally intimate with M. All of that completely wrapped up a beautiful evening. (And then about 30 minutes later, J was ready for round 2, so we took care of that!)

I have a blog post for DA in the pipeline (already written, just hasn't been published yet) about positive threesome experiences. This one takes the cake over all of those I previously wrote about.

Factors that made it sizzle:
Love. Compersion. Honesty. Emotional intimacy. Porn. Realizing Fantasies. A simultaneous orgasm with three people (have I mentioned that already?)

#Threesome #Advanced

Recent Recommended Reading

How Important Is It To Date Your Intellectual Equal?
Something that J finds particularly intriguing- why is it that intellectual compatibility is not mentioned in so many of the relationship books that we have read? We talk about sexual compatibility, comfort levels, values, etc but rarely or never about the ability to engage mentally with our partner(s) about the topics that stimulate us. Maybe it goes without saying, maybe some people don't really value an intellectual match, or maybe it's something else.

10 Reasons Sluts Make Better Friends
Loved this article. I think all of the points are true. It's unfortunate that slut-shaming is part of our cultural paradigm and therefore enters research as an assumption.

Is Forced Fatherhood Fair?
Another great one. There should be more reproductive health and family planning options for men; they are half of the baby-making process.

Sexual Fluidity

My next DA post went live!! Love this one- it's about my adventures from straighty-straight land to the land of the queers :D Haha.

"My First Time with a Woman"

Here's the first part:

"My personal journey around my sexual orientation has been kind of breathtaking, especially as I look back on it.
When J. and I opened up our relationship more than two years ago, I identified as straight.

I had grown up in an LGBTQ affirming religious community and was part of my Gay-Straight Alliance in high school.

I definitely identified as an ally to the LGBTQ community, but I never saw myself exploring sex with anyone other than a cisgender man."

Another thing I would add to my post is something that I finally realized and was talking to M about the other night- that I was continually fascinated by the idea of tits growing up. I wanted to see and touch friends' breasts. I wanted to really, really bad. I can't believe my desires didn't enter my consciousness until J and I opened up.

How fitting this post went live on the day of our Pride Parade!! :D Which was also so lovely. Brunch and parade-watching with some of my favorite people in the world=one happy, happy girl.

Confession: I'm Not Smooth

I have a confession to make:

I. Am. Not. Smooth.

At dating. Or asking people out. Or picking up on vanilla dating social cues.

Exhibit A:

I asked a girl out, who works at our gym, (this was like a year and a half ago) by writing her a note about how I thought she was cute and included my phone number. 

Self-compassion: it was my very first time asking a girl out. Very first time. It makes sense that my dating sense would revert to how my brain worked at 13: passing love notes. Cute, right? But also embarrassing at age 23.

Exhibit B:

Guy at gym keeps hitting on me. I talk to him, end up telling him about our open relationship. He takes it as an invitation. It wasn't.

Self-compassion: He was a poor receiver of communication, even though I could have done a better job of telling him that I wasn't interested in dating him.

Exhibit C:

Nice guy at grocery store says he'd love to hang out. I don't pick up on any hint of being hit on. I give him my number because I can't think of how to say no nicely. He wanted to "hang out" hang out. I feel dumb.

Self-compassion: I was just trying to be nice. Good karma, right?

Exhibits D-? :

How many first dates have I been on where I don't even know what the fuck to say? All I feel like doing is hiding under a rock. My face flushes, my mouth dries out, my hands get clammy, my thoughts race. What to say, what to say, what to say? Bonus points: I've even been told that I am awkward on a first date! (Teasing you M!! ... although you did tell me that. Evidence for my case.)

Self-compassion: Does anyone like first dates? (Actually, I am pretty sure I know some people who do... fuck)

I wanted to share this video, but I guess the embed code wasn't working, so here's the link:



http://youtu.be/__e03Z6366k

Surveying My Open Community

I decided to take advantage of a recently formed Facebook group for our open community that I am a part of to finally do something that I have long wanted to: survey my community about their experiences, joys, and struggles within their own relationships and post their answers here. I see it as another way of building our community, shedding light on open relationships, empowering people to speak up about both the positive and negative parts of transitioning your love and relationship paradigm from monogamy to something else/different/more, finding similarities with one another, sharing strategies for working through the yucky stuff, and building our conceptions of open relationship models and frameworks. This survey only hits on some aspects of open relationships; I didn't ask about coming out to friends or family, or about how other identities intersect with the experience of being in an open relationship (such as sexual orientation, gender expression, kinks, fetishes, age, class, religion, etc.). Ideally, I would have asked somewhere closer to 50 questions, but I knew no one would want to do that, and I also was interested in some broader concepts (thus the questions on biggest ah-ha moments, struggles, and joys).

I am also keeping everyone's responses anonymous. This is a (relatively) anonymous blog, and I wanted people to feel safe in expressing their experiences, lessons, and feelings. Thank you to everyone who was willing to share with me and my readers! I will post one survey per blog post :) Here is the first one. Enjoy!

Where did you start in your open journey and where are you now? (Interpret and answer however you like!) 

For me, this question is a little difficult to answer. I was introduced to the idea of [an] "open relationship" in March of 2012 but knowing nothing of it, held deep and, regrettably, harsh feeling towards the idea and to my partner. The idea was then dropped, or so I thought. I was thrashed violently into it again in July when I found out my partner was emotionally involved with his ex who was "poly". They wanted me to be understanding of their feelings and made decisions for me which made me feel like a child. It was done behind my back and in a way that made me resent not only the parties involved, but also the idea of openness. After the initial shock wore off and I ran out of chocolate and ice cream to ease my suffering, I finally thought to myself, "how hard could it be? How hard is it to let my partner be honest and forthcoming to me about being attracted to others but at the same time still want to be with me?" I decided then and there that this was something I could work through and get to understand better. Since then my partner and I have been open and loving where it's taking us. We both have changed our ideas about it drastically since March and are still learning and finding out new things about ourselves we didn't even know exists. Though it is unknown terrain, we like it that way. 

What are your motivations and reasons for having an open/poly/ethically nonmonogamous relationship? 

Since my father's infidelity, I knew that monogamy didn't exist in my life. I knew that it wasn't for me, but because of how I was raised and what I thought I had to abide to, I just gave in and tried finding "the one." I just didn't have the information or the knowledge to know there was something else out there. I've always dated multiple people at the same time with them knowing I was, but didn't find out until recent[ly] that I was already practicing a form of openness. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I actually started using terms and meeting people of this community. My motivation is simple; I want to meet like-minded individuals who share the same ideals that my partner and I do and have fun while loving, living, and exploring life. Love is all you need! 

If you had to label your relationship (swinger, poly, ethically nonmonogamous, open, etc), what would you choose and why? 

I'm still trying to figure out all the lingo used in this community! My partner and I have changed our ideas and thoughts about our relationship dramatically since we started. We initially started seeing individuals, then tried meeting couples online, then back to individuals, then just us, then couples. It's never ending, but I wouldn't change anything. Sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to see how your mind, body, and soul might react. I wouldn't [have] found out how much I liked actually viewing my partner with another woman if I didn't put myself in the situation. So long story short, if I had to pick a title to fit us, I would say ethical swingers; we love seeing and being with other loving couples, but want more from the relationship than just pure sex. 

Do you currently have a partner or partners? What do the boundaries in your relationships look like? 

I have a boyfriend and as of right now we are just focusing on building our relationship but do have a couple that we enjoy seeing and playing with from time to time. When we are with them we are always checking in with each other to make sure the comfort level is still at level with the fun. 

How do you practice safer sex? 

I am on the pill and when we're with others we use a condom. 

How do you define love? 

I have to quote Shakespeare because it is by far the best definition of love that I have heard and connected with. "Love- it will not betray, dismay, or enslave you. It will set you free." 

How you define jealousy? What do you do when you feel jealous? What are some ways you manage jealousy? 

Jealousy is a nagging itch that I can't reach at times. Especially when I'm being extra hard on myself. No matter how hard I twist and turn, how far back I reach my hands, or even try to ignore it, it wouldn't disappear. It wasn't until I realized there are tools I can put into effect to rid myself of this itch. I consulted with open friends, I talked through my struggle with my partner, I bought books to enlighten myself that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. You sometimes just need someone to itch that stratch for you. Surrounding myself with loving friends and tools to aid me in my compersion journey has been the best medicine. 

What has been one of your biggest "ah-ha" moments since being open?

The biggest moment for me was when I actually opened up and met people of the open community. The only experience I had with an open relationship was the one I experienced that unfortunately happened behind my back with two people making all the decisions for me. I had negative thoughts on it for a long time until I finally reached out to a young women I only knew from her blog. I was miserable and lost, not knowing if this was something I could do, or if I could, where to turn to for advice or even vent to. I reached out with hesitation and emailed her, not knowing what kind of response I'd get. I'm so happy that I did, because ever since that first email I have finally begun to see the positives of being open. Because of her, I learned that there are in fact very loving, warm, enriching, and very good looking open people in this city that not only want to make my partner feel loved, but to make sure I feel comfortable and loved, as well. She made me have my first "ah-ha" moment by letting me know that I never have to feel alone in this community and I love her for that. Thank you. 

What has been one of your biggest struggles since being open? 

My biggest struggle is getting over the initial shock of hearing and sometimes viewing [my] partner's attraction to another woman. It has gotten better since the beginning, but sometimes it stings for a bit. I am better at communicating my feelings to my partner and have worked on compersion methods to further help rid myself of jealousy. 

What has been one of your biggest joys since being open?

My biggest joy thus far is meeting all the wonderful people of the community. I also would have to say that since being open, my partner and I have experienced how much being open has brought us closer together. Seeing my partner happy and loving others has given me a better understanding of him and his needs. It's a joy that I don't think I could [have] seen if we weren't open. It's as if a whole new door has opened in our world that we are able to go through and discover together. That's the best part- exploring love together as an open couple.

Hypocritical or Just Different Comfort Levels?

What happens when you and your partner have different comfort levels around activities? Right now, I am struggling a little with knowing that J is totally fine with me exploring another relationship, including spending nights and going away for a weekend. However, because I have a pretty good feeling that I would struggle with something in the reverse, I feel guilty enjoying the freedom that I have.

J asked me how I would feel if he wanted a relationship with a man, and wanted to spend nights or a weekend with this person. I said, “Great!” And I totally, sincerely, genuinely mean that. Everything that he has been so comfortable around (hanging out at home with me and my sweetie, letting me spend lots of time with her, staying in frequent contact with her, etc.), I would be as comfortable if J was dating a guy. It sounds fun, hot, and exciting, even if I wasn’t involved at all, except superficially. Thinking about J with another woman brings up very different emotions for me.

The reason why I don’t feel hypocritical is that I know how committed I am to self-growth, to providing space and flexibility to J, and to our relationship. Even though I have a good feeling I would struggle if J wanted to go away for a night or weekend with another romantic partner, I also know that I would ask for what I need so that I felt supported and as safe as possible. I also know that something like that wouldn’t happen spontaneously in a void: hopefully I would know J’s other partner to some degree, like them, trust them, and feel respected by them, and most likely, a weekend away would happen after some time (not after a week).

And J also said that if he didn’t like my sweetie, he probably wouldn’t be as supportive. I said, too, that if he felt threatened by the relationship he probably would have a hard time, and he agreed. So I think we are similar in those respects as well.

Right now, I am trying to process my feelings of guilt out of my system so that I can just enjoy a new relationship and person and experience. I should funnel those feelings into feelings of gratefulness toward J, and feelings of excitement into my new relationship.

Expressing Love

How can you distinguish what lust versus love feels like? What is the spectrum of lust, like, caring, love? When do you share with someone that you love them? How do you communicate it?

I think a lot of times this all gets over-analyzed, but I think that many people hear things about commitment and the future when they hear "I love you." (I am talking just about romantic relationships right now.) For me, this sentence can have more or less depth depending on the relationship. With J, the sentence has a lot of history- we have been telling each other we love each other since for 6 1/2 years. We have gone through a lot together, and we plan on being together as long as we are happy together (which I foresee being a very long time). But, I remember waiting to tell him I loved him. The boyfriend I had before him sort of traumatized me- I was about to tell this person I loved him, and he said "Don't say it. Just don't say it." I was so hurt! I can tell you that I love you if I want to! But I didn't. So with J, even though I felt like I loved him after just a few weeks, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to be rejected again. I waited until he told me a couple months later, and I felt like my heart was going to explode (I've been wanting to tell you this!!!). It was lovely :D

But why didn't I tell J when I felt it? Was it just because I didn't want to be rejected? Or did I also feel on some level that I was in lust/infatuation mode and that maybe it wasn't "love" yet? Or was it love, and just a different kind?

For me, saying "I love you" is similar to the "I see you" in the movie "Avatar" (haha, sorry for the dorky reference). I see you, I care deeply about you, I respect you, and I am grateful that you are in my life. It doesn't have anything to do with expectations about my relationship with that person, what it has to look like or where it has to go. I also feel it and want to express it, without exacting any kind of obligatory return from the other person. It is a statement of being, not doing.

And yet- there is an overwhelming amount of mainstream baloney (in my opinion) that gets perpetuated about what love means, when it's appropriate to express it, and how it affects the relationship once it has been said. So I find myself in an open relationship, already having to discover for myself what framework is satisfying and workable and fun, and also feeling love for different people in different ways with no model for how to express it. Sometimes it has hurt people when it has been said, sometimes it makes a relationship more confusing, sometimes it makes a relationship stronger, and always, it makes perfect sense.

In the Words of Jen Sincero:

"The Joy of Sex with Chicks"

(from The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks)

"1. When you're with another chick, the roles can switch back and forth in a much more equal and fluid way...
2. The way women women orgasm is so different from the way guys do. We don't need to stop and recharge before starting up again, so we can go on and on till the break of dawn without a time-out...
3. I found that every time I did something to her, I could imagine I was doing it to myself. So much so that I could practically feel it even if I wasn't touching myself at all. The combo of watching her get off and imagining exactly what it must feel like could bring me to orgasm.
4. Women's bodies are unbelievably soft! They're like the softest pillows in the world. This has made me totally understand why men go apeshit over us. It also made me aware of my own body's softness, and it made me feel incredibly sexy in a way I never had before.
5. Lastly, because we live in a society that has a large stick up its ass, also because my sexual hometown is Straightyville, sleeping with someone I wasn't 'supposed' to made me feel kind of kinky. This turned me on like nobody's business... (pxi-xiii)."

Mmm mmm mmm. All so, so true.

[1. I love being dominant with a woman. Like, really love it. I love being on top and giving a hand job and going down on her. I like grabbing her hair and pushing her back on the bed, and pulling her toward me. But, I also like letting her take over and letting me lay in ecstasy.

2. So true. It's so different with a woman! When do you stop? Sex can just go on and on in waves.

3. I feel like there is some deep level of understanding with a woman. I know what a pussy feels like and the general anatomy. I'm not as experienced with women, and I feel like sex can be a positive challenge, but the knowledge I have of what a pulsating pussy feels like turns me on when I feel hers.

4. God almighty, yes. Soft skin, hair that smells good, a deliciously fragrant pussy, shapely ass and tits, soft hands, soft face... Mmm.

5. The last point is not as true for me, but I do find myself getting turned on when I think about how same-sex isn't the norm for myself or for our society. The non-normative experience does something for me on some level. I feel like I am exploring and relishing a unique interaction, that only some people are able to experience.]

Saturday Night

That's all

:D