Poly Ideas in "Ecotopia"

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed :)

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I was assigned to read a novel for a class next semester (assuming I am still in school). The class is called Introduction to Ecopsychology, the book Ecotopia. The book itself is a little dorky, the writing okay, some presentations of gender and race off (it was written in 1975), but the ideas inherent in the story are thought-provoking (that an ecologically sound country would totally revolutionize school, the work week would be 20 hours, women run the government, cars are left behind in favor of bikes and high speed rail, etc.).

I loved reading the following passages, too, that hint at values within ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory and a societal structure of relationship that echoes how I could see relationships operating if polyamory were the norm instead of the rule:

“…It turns out she [Marissa, the main character's newfound lover in Ecotopia] has a regular lover in the camp. But has somehow arranged it so she can be with me during my stay. Lover is blond, shy, blushes a lot about other things but doesn’t seem at all jealous about his woman having made love with me. Evidently there are other women he can console himself with! Wasn’t sure till nightfall who would sleep with whom. But she came to the little cabin I’m assigned to, quite unanxious about the whole situation.
…It’s as if the whole American psychodrama of mutual suspicion between the sexes, demands and counterdemands and our desperate working at sex like a problem to be solved, has left my head. Everything comes from our feelings…” (p. 58-9).

and

“I don’t see, when I look at Ecotopian love relationships, or marriages, that awful sense of constriction that we felt, the impact of a rigid sterotyped set of expectations- that this was the way we were going to relate to each other forever, that we had to, in order to somehow survive in a hostile universe. Ecotopians’ marriages shade off more gradually into extended family connections, into friendships with both sexes. Individuals don’t perhaps stand out as sharply as we do; they don’t present themselves as problems or gifts to each other, more as companions. Nobody is was essential (or as expendable) here as with us. It is all fearfully complex and dense to me, yet I can see that it’s the density that sustains them- there are always good solid alternatives to any relationship, however intense. Thus they don’t have our terrible agonizing worries when a relationship is rocky. This saddens me somehow- it seems terribly unromantic. It’s their usual goddamned realism: they are taking care of themselves, of each other. Yet I can see too that it’s that very realism that allows them to be silly and irresponsible sometimes, because they know they can afford it; mistakes are never irreparable, they are never going to be cast out alone, no matter what they do… And perhaps this even makes marriages last better- they have lower expectations than we do, in some ways. A marriage is a less central fact of a person’s life, and therefore it is not so crucial that it be altogether satisfying (as if anything or anybody was ever altogether satisfying.) …” (p 117-8).

Cheers!

Healthy Relationships Comic

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed :)

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I love this comic from Robot Hugs!!! (Thanks to B for posting it in the FB group- I love that group. So many fun and interesting things posted by open peeps!)

Follow Up: Poly Mecca?

Read on SexualityReclaimed!

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I am so stoked that I was able to co-auther that piece on Portland as a poly mecca- it even was mentioned in Poly in the News (woot woot!).

I shamelessly promoted the piece on my FB open group as well, and I was so glad to read a comment someone in the group made, which went along the lines of: Portland is lovely, but do we really have the numbers to constitute a mecca?

No, I don’t think so. I think it’s a strong word choice. I’m sure it’s easier to find partners as someone operating from a poly worldview in SF or NYC or Seattle. But, like I mentioned in my comment back to her, for someone (Louisa) who grew up in the UK and living in Sweden to view Portland as a “poly mecca” says something about the buzz Portland receives.

I do think Portland has a pretty amazing sex positive scene, but after the trip J and I took to Seattle, it’s more and more apparent to me that we have a much smaller community than other metro areas. Perhaps, though, we have more sex positive/open/poly/kinky people per vanilla capita than other metro areas. And maybe that’s what makes it so noticeable.

Any other thoughts? For those of you living in Portland: does it feel like a sex positive mecca to you? For those of you living elsewhere: does your community feel like a safe space to be yourself out in public, or not? Why?

Live on HuffPo!

The article I posted about yesterday (What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?) is now live on Louisa Leontiades’ Huffington Post blog :D

Go check it out!

What Does Non-Traditional Relationship Utopia Look Like?

Please go check this post out on my new site, SexualityReclaimed!

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I am so excited to announce that I have made another amazing connection- with Louisa Leontiades, of The Husband Swap. (See my post about her book here.) She also hosts several amazing websites: MultipleMatch, The Vagina Times, Postmodern Women, among others. She also writes a blog for the Huffington Post.

I recently co-authored an article with her about Portland as a poly-mecca, which is now live on MultipleMatch and will be published soon on HuffPo (I’ll be announcing that when it happens- I am so excited!)

Definitely go check her stuff out; I am thrilled to be in connection with her!

Here is the beginning of the article about Portland; please go read the rest!

“What if you could be openly welcomed with both your lovers at the local chemist… what if coming out as trans, queer or poly was simply one of many choices during adolescence… what if going to a dungeon to play kinky games on a Saturday night was as accepted as going out for a curry… What would the world look like?

Welcome to Poly-Mecca, Portland Oregon

Powell’s is Portland’s claim to bookstore fame. And it was there that I bought the book which was to change my life. It was – predictably – Sex at Dawn. Because although my partner and I met in Berkeley, California which seems to outsiders to be a liberal, bohemian heaven, we didn’t open our relationship until we had moved to Portland for graduate school. Portland is my idea of Poly-Mecca. A city with the social capital to support my wildest explorations and adventures.

Oregon boasts laws that protect some sexual expression as freedom of speech; thus, walking around naked is legal. Even if most don’t… most of the time

This also allows for an amazing number of strip clubs to exist. In fact Portland stands as the city with the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the country – most of which are fully nude clubs. Establishments are allowed to have both nudity and alcohol which attracts visitors from neighboring states to enjoy both booze and bums. This also means that Portland has the legal and social infrastructure to support two swingers’ clubs, both of which offer the ability to imbibe and have sex onsite.”

AAMFT Conference: Day 1

I had the opportunity to attend the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (AAMFT) annual conference- it was pretty convenient given it is in Portland this year :)

I was most excited about today, because my events included:
A workshop on Sexuality in Family Therapy
A discussion on LGBTQ youth
And a workshop on Plural Families

Tomorrow includes a workshop on treating children with trauma and how to treat couples where abuse has occurred.

So many things to say!

1. Sexuality in Family Therapy: The facilitators of the workshop conducted research on therapist attitudes toward client perceived sexual problems (presenting as a sex addict) based on whether the client was monogamous or in an open marriage and a man or a woman. Participants in the study in which they read one vignette; the four possible vignettes only differed in the gender of the client and the relationship style. Women in open marriages were rated most negatively and pathologized the most, meaning that therapists were most likely to refer a woman in an open marriage for treatment and to label her sexual behaviors as problematic. Next worst were men in open marriages. Next were men in monogamous marriages. Women in monogamous marriages were rated least negatively (least likely to have their behaviors labeled as problematic). My takeaway: our society still very much pathologizes and demonizes female sexuality. Promiscuous women=bad news. Promiscuous men? Bad, but expected. Monogamous women? Virtuous.

The presenters also discussed the issue of including children and teenagers as part of family therapy, even when issues of sexuality needs to be discussed- of course, in age-appropriate, developmentally-appropriate ways. Also, therapists must be aware of their own reservations or issues around sexuality so that they can best serve their clients by using explicit language, calm demeanor, and engage in frank conversation about sexuality and sex. (I think I will be okay regarding that!)

2. LGBTQ & Youth: We talked a lot about queer therapists self-disclosing their queer identity to queer clients. Is it appropriate? When? What are the effects of self-disclosure? Also: why aren't queer issues a bigger part of the AAMFT conference? Why aren't queer issues given a workshop space or a keynote address??

3. Plural Families: I was so jazzed for this one, because I thought for sure it would be addressing polyamorous families. Wrong! The presenters intentionally stayed away from polyamory, and instead focused on polygamous and plural marriages. It was still super interesting, and when I asked the presenters why they chose to focus on polygamy and didn't include polyamory, their reasoning was that they didn't want to just lump all of these alternative relationship structures together and ultimately do a disservice to both. That made sense to me. There was also some good discussion that I participated in about ensuring that therapists do not collude with polynormativity and remembering that poly relationships come in all shapes, sizes, and flavors. I also talked to one of the presenters after the workshop, and she works with people in poly relationships, people in the BDSM community, and trans* folks. So awesome!!! She told me there are only a handful of loud and proud marriage and family therapists serving those communities. I'm excited to join the ranks! They handed out some fabulous resources. The following one is my favorite; I can't believe I hadn't run across it before!! Cory Davis made a monogamy privilege questionnaire, akin to Peggy McIntosh's Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack targeted toward discovering white privilege. It's fabulous: Monogamous Privilege Checklist.

In fact, I am just going to copy and paste it here as well:

For the purposes of this list, I will refer to one’s position on the diagram of monogamy vs. various types of non-monogamy (polyamory, open marriage, swinging, religious polygyny, etc.) as simply “relationship orientation”.

Note that for the purposes of this list, “relationship orientation” does NOT refer to one’s sexual orientation re: the Kinsey scale (heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, etc.). Monogamous individuals who are LGBTQ and/or in interracial and/or intergenerational romantic relationships may well be exempt from some (though not all) of these privileges, especially those marked with an asterisk at the end.
Monogamous Privilege Checklist:
1) I can legally marry whomever I wish, with all the legal, medical, and financial benefits of marriage universally recognized for me and my family no matter where I live.*
2) I am not accused of being abused, warped, immoral, unethical, or psychologically confused because of my relationship orientation.
3) No one ever questions the validity of my love because of my relationship orientation.
4) It is not assumed based on my relationship orientation that I or any of my former or current partners has been misled, coerced, manipulated, or used in any way.
5) No one argues that my relationship orientation is impractical, unstable, incompatible with commitment, or otherwise effectively impossible to realize. No one argues that my relationship orientation works better in theory than in practice.
6) It is not assumed that my life must be overly-complicated because of my relationship orientation.
7) No one tries to convert me to their relationship orientation.
8 It is not assumed that I will switch relationship orientations as soon as I find the “right” person.
9) It is not generally understood that I am unfit to raise children because of my relationship orientation.
10) I can feel certain that my government will not suddenly remove my children to a foster home based on my relationship orientation.
11) As a responsible and loving parent, I won’t lose my children in a custody battle because of my relationship orientation.
12) As a responsible and loving adult, I can adopt children without lying about my relationship orientation.
13) I can be certain that my children won’t be harassed because of my relationship orientation.
14) My children are given texts and information at school that validates my family structure – two parents with kids, two sets of grandparents, etc.
15) It is not assumed based on my relationship orientation that my children are/were raised in an unstable environment.
16) No one assumes or speculates based on my relationship orientation that my children experience or ever will experience emotional, psychological, social, or behavioral problems.
17) I do not have to explain my relationship orientation to strangers whenever it comes up.
18) People don’t ask why I made my choice of relationship orientation.
19) People don’t ask why I made my choice to be public about my relationship orientation.
20) I don’t have to defend my relationship orientation.
21) I am not identified, categorized or grouped by my relationship orientation.
22) I am never asked to speak for everyone who shares my relationship orientation.
23) My individual behavior is not thought to reflect on all persons who identify with my relationship orientation.
24) If a romantic relationship of mine ends, no one blames my relationship orientation.
25) I can be sure that all of my roommates, classmates, and coworkers will be comfortable with my relationship orientation.
26) When I talk about my monogamy (such as in a joke or talking about my relationships), I am never accused of pushing my relationship orientation onto others.
27) I do not have to fear revealing my relationship orientation to friends or family. It’s assumed.
28) I do not have to fear that if my family, friends, or professional community find out about my relationship orientation there will be economic, emotional, physical, or psychological consequences for me or for others.
29) I can run for political office without expecting that my relationship orientation will disqualify me.
30) I can depart from most meetings, classes, and conversations without feeling fearful, excluded, isolated, attacked, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance, stereotyped or feared because of my relationship orientation.
31) I can date whomever I wish, regardless of whether or not they previously identified with my relationship orientation, without fear that my new partner will be shunned by their friends and family due to their choice to embark upon a relationship with someone of my relationship orientation.
32) I am guaranteed to find people of my relationship orientation represented in my workplace.
33) I can be sure that my classes/courses/training will require curricular materials that testify to the existence of people with my relationship orientation.
34) I can easily find a religious community that will not exclude me based on my relationship orientation.
35) I am guaranteed to find sex education literature for people with my relationship orientation.
36) I can count on finding a therapist or doctor who will recognize my relationship orientation as valid, should I seek their services.
37) I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help my relationship orientation will not work against me.
38) Public hand-holding with my love is seen as acceptable and endearing. I can walk in public with my partner and not have people stare or do a double-take.*
39) I can choose not to think politically about my relationship orientation.
40) I can remain oblivious to the language and culture of other relationship orientations (i.e. polyamory, swinging, etc.) without paying any penalty for such obliviousness.
41) Even if I am oblivious about other relationship orientations, my culture affords me the privilege of judging those orientations and being an authoritative source of relationship advice because I am monogamous. This is especially true if I am a therapist, researcher, media darling, or other authority figure.
42) In everyday conversation, the language my friends and I use generally assumes my relationship orientation. For example, “family” meaning monogamous relationships with children.
43) Nobody calls me monogamous with malice.
44) I am not asked to think about why I am monogamous.
45) Society encourages me to marry and celebrates my commitment.*
46) My relationship orientation is commonly represented in music, television, movies, books, magazines, greeting cards, and postcards.
47) Major, mainstream social networking websites such as Facebook allow me to set my relationship status according to my relationship orientation.
48) I can go to relationship and dating events (i.e. singles events, relationship skills workshops) secure in the knowledge that my relationship orientation will be the standard and will be catered to.
49) I never need to change pronouns when describing the events of my life in order to protect my job, my family, or my friendships.*
50) If I’m a teenager, I can enjoy dating, first loves, and all the social approval of learning to love appropriately within my relationship orientation.*
51) If I’m called to work with children or to serve God (in most denominations), I don’t have to lie about my relationship orientation in order to keep my job.
52) I can count on my community of friends, acquaintances, strangers, and various institutions to celebrate my love and my family, mourn my losses, and support my relationships.*
53) It is not assumed merely because of my relationship orientation that I am experienced in sex (or that I even have it at all!).
54) It is not assumed that I am inclined toward my relationship orientation purely for sexual reasons.
55) It is not assumed based on my relationship orientation that I am more likely than average to have STIs.
56) It is not assumed based on my relationship orientation that I am unaware of the risks posed by my sexual behavior.
57) I am not assumed based on my relationship orientation to be sexually indiscriminate.
58) I do not have to deal with the language and culture of my relationship orientation being co-opted, redefined, and demonized by an unfriendly majority which controls the media.
59) No one ever calls my relationship orientation “creepy” or “disturbing”.
60) I can befriend people without them and/or their romantic partners assuming that I am trying to convert them to my relationship orientation.
61) No one takes issue with their children being around me based on my relationship orientation.
62) I can be fairly certain that anyone who is in a committed, romantic relationship with me will also be invited to most parties, weddings, and other social events to which I am invited.*
63) No one makes assumptions about my political views or religious beliefs based on my relationship orientation.
64) No one refers to my relationship orientation by the wrong term or label, either intentionally or inadvertently.
65) I do not have to coin or invent terms to describe my relationship orientation and familial connections to others, because the language describing my relationship orientation already exists and is known throughout the culture.
66) No one ever ridicules or makes jokes about the terminology that people with my relationship orientation commonly use to describe their relationship structures and familial connections.

Social Justice, Polyamory, and Dancing

As I have been putting together my notes for a project I am presenting on next week, I have had several things rise the surface related to ethical nonmonogamy, stripping, race, and class.

-Something that has been increasingly apparent to me in my explorations, especially academically, around poly issues is the severe lack of discussion on the intersections of race and class with relationship orientation. Being poly is (so far) a distinctly white and upper class experience, although ethically nonmonogamous relationships have been existent in many different cultures around the world. Being poly in such a monoga-normative culture and society means (to me) that you have to (generally) first have your basic needs met and have time to focus on breaking norms before you are able to spend inordinate amounts of time on your relationships (including your relationship with yourself). 

-Interesting, too, has been my discovery that even though disclosing my status as a dancer is nerve-wracking for me depending on my audience, I command a sense of respect and curiosity, typically, and it’s because of my whiteness, my class, and my education level. If I was a woman of color who hadn’t gone to college, I don’t think people would necessarily listen to my story as much. I also think that dancing in Portland is probably one of the most privileged places, geographically, to dance- it is so much more normalized here, and there is a large sex positive community that emphasizes a woman’s right to choose to control her body and feel empowered through her sexuality. Because of my geographic location, race, and socioeconomic status, I feel at least a little comfortable disclosing my experiences dancing. 

I have come across a few different blog posts and articles online about the lack of discussion around race and polyamory, but there is really an overall dearth of discussion. And all I can think of as an explanation is that, so far, ethical nonmonogamy is an experience of wealthy whiteness. If you know of resources related to people of color experience in open relationships, please pass them on!

Recent Articles From J

Here are some articles and blog posts J sent me recently... 

This is a fabulous article on foundations for relationships, and how regardless of structure, people would benefit from working on recognizing these foundations... and then leaving the structure to do its thing without judgment:
Why you shouldn't (and should) be monogamous

This one is fabulous!! It's great to see the different types of monogamy delineated so clearly. Also, I hadn't come across the phrase "activity monogamy" before although J and I have certainly experienced the effects of (me) identifying with it before:
The Four Monogamies

Researchers investigated the possible link between attachment styles and fantasy frequency and content. I'm a little skeptical about the generalizability (is that a word? ha) of the study, but it's interesting for sure:
An Inside Look at Fantasies

This last one is especially interesting as it was written on a Christian blog, discussing the fear that gay marriages will redefine straight marriage as nonmonogamous. J said the comments that people left fascinating.
What You Should Know About "Monogamish" Relationships

Psychology Today: Happily Never After

I received my latest "Psychology Today" last week, and was happily stunned to see the following piece in the beginning (click for a bigger, higher resolution picture):

Thanks to Poly in the News for sharing the image!!

Intimate Relationships Map #3

Add on BDSM relationships... duh!!!

Intimate Relationships Map Updated

So funny that before I published my post on intimate relationships map I caught a few different errors I had made, and since I posted it, there have been a couple other things that I realized I messed up (one I realized, another that was brought to my attention). Clearly, all of this is pretty complicated and a dynamic part of life.

The things I added are in the upper right part of the diagram:

Romantic relationships
Nonsexual romantic relationships
Nonsexual nonromantic intimate friendships

And, obviously any orientation can hook up into these relationships depending on relationship and personal boundaries (dating, solo poly, partnered poly, monogamous-oriented, don't ask/don't tell, etc).

I think you can click on the image to make it bigger :)

Intimate Relationships Maps

Have you seen this map before?

Here is my reinterpretation, albeit not as pretty :) I don't particularly like the value judgements in the map above (assuming codependency only happens in monogamous relationships, only depicting empty marriages as monogamous ones- I think any of that can happen regardless of the relationship structure you are in), and I also was a little confused as to why celibacy (which has to do with sexual behavior) was included in the map, when other sexual behaviors were not (kinks, BDSM, etc) (although J did point out that for some who choose celibacy it is about an intimate relationship with themselves or god). I also totally know that my map below is not exhaustive either :)

How do you map out intimate relationships?

More Coming Out

Something happened this week that I honestly thought would not happen for a long, long time, if ever.

J told his mom about us having an open relationship.

I still haven't quite digested it all. This has been coming for a while, but I honestly didn't think it would happen so soon before we have our commitment ceremony (we are a month away from it now).

I know his mom has never been able to understand why it's okay for us to have opposite sex friends, why we want to include J's longtime friend (a woman) in our wedding party, or why we seem "cranky" when we talk about wedding planning (news flash: it's because we haven't been able to be authentic with her about why we are truly excited about our party. it's hard to be excited about someone else's values and vision when they don't line up with your own). And she has been/is under the impression that I am not happy in the relationship with J (the fights we have had at home have given her this impression. don't people fight sometimes?).

So she finally called J this week, and told him all this. That she doesn't understand what is going on, but that it seems unhealthy and it seems I am unhappy. He questioned her need to know the inner workings of our relationship. She was adamant that we were in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship. So he just told her. We are not monogamous, and we are very happy with it.

She is not happy with this news (or, she wasn't during the conversation).

I decided to send her an email, modeled after the one that Zoe Hanis from Life on the Swingset wrote to her parents, and edited by both J and M. Here is mine:

[I took out the email for now, because I am nervous that J's mom may search for my letter. She seemed convinced that I used a letter template, and I'm not ready for her to find our blog. If you want to see my letter, just email me! I am happy to share :) And, I'll most likely re-post it here when things have calmed down]

I would hope that we receive something supportive back (like Zoe did here) but I have my doubts. I want to be realistic, prepared to move on in my/our life without their support, and open-minded to different possibilities all at once. That is a lot to be prepared for. But I think I have it. Really, I think it comes down to remaining compassionate, and remembering and striving to give up attachment to the way I want this relationship to look like. 

So far the only communication I have had since I sent that email is a couple of tense, cold emails from J's mom about wedding prep. I am just trying to remain positive- that she just needs time to process and will ultimately be able to be a supportive and warm person in our lives.

J also told her that I am bi. He knows I identify as queer, but didn't want to make the conversation more confusing for her. I get that. It wasn't until this past weekend that I told my mom I identify more with the label queer than with bi. 

And, I made a conscious choice in my email to use the words "nonmonogamous" and "open" versus "polyamorous." It seems to me that "nonmonogamous" sounds like what it means, whereas using the word "polyamorous" requires even more explanation (potentially). I also used those words because I generally tell people we have an "open" relationship since our other activities and relationships and boundaries have evolved so much and will continue to evolve. And, I also went with those words because J used the word "nonmonogamous" in his phone conversation with his mom, and I didn't want to throw more loaded words her way (loaded for her).

It is really important to me to have some healthy emotional boundaries set up, and J and I agree on some key things: neither of us will tolerate arguments or upsetedness about this every time we go home. Time to process all of this is expected, but it can't go on forever. At some point, our relationship will either have to deepen and become positive from it being more authentic, or it will have to revert back to the more superficial, but pleasant, relationship we had. If it it going to be constant questioning and drama, we are not going to stay in touch and remain in as close of contact (including going home for holidays, etc).

Anyone else out there with coming out drama? Advice for me/us?

Pitfall of Open Relationships?

Talking with my GF, M, I think I have, with her help, begun to articulate a common, or easy enough, pitfall within the open relationship paradigm. (I am super rambly right now; sorry!)

How do you know when you should keep working with your partner on challenging things? When do you simply say: we are just two very different people, and our differences are not compatible?

It seems like open relationships could allow two (or more) people, who might find themselves incompatible within the confines of a monogamous relationship pretty quickly, to spend an agonizing amount of time trying to mesh their ever-widening differences.

I know J and I have gone through conversations (and by conversations, I mean super-high-charged-crying-despondent-argument-like conversations) when we have been in a super low time (mostly last summer; thank goodness we moved through that) that center around this idea. Do we want the same things? Do we have enough in common that we can compromise around the differences?

I think it can become even more confusing when one or more people have an "ideal" relationship structure in mind, but aren't emotionally there yet. Working through personal stuff can take such a long time, and is probably never done (although hopefully gets easier). So then you are continuously living in a "less-than-ideal" relationship which feels stressful and yucky.

So, I think a potentially good solution to this is to begin re-framing your relationship. Given your present factors, does your relationship feel comfortable and happy and satisfying? How does your partner feel? Are any differences or challenges within your relationship worth a short-term struggle? (It is my personal belief that chronic challenges often create chronic stress, which will take its toll on everyone involved, and is not sustainable.) Relationships will always change; they are dynamic creatures, given the dynamic individuals involved. So even if you once held an "ideal" in your mind, stay present within your relationship and work with what you have. Your factors will change effortlessly, and you will be given the opportunities to work through things as you are ready for them. And as long as you are moving operating with happiness and love in mind, even when needing to work through icky stuff (because you will sometimes), your relationship will serve you and your partner(s). And if there comes a time when you simply can't bridge differences, I think it can be helpful (although probably easier said than done) to allow your relationship to simply transition into a form that allows everyone to live in peace and happiness, even if it causes short-term sadness. 

Surveying My Open Community

I decided to take advantage of a recently formed Facebook group for our open community that I am a part of to finally do something that I have long wanted to: survey my community about their experiences, joys, and struggles within their own relationships and post their answers here. I see it as another way of building our community, shedding light on open relationships, empowering people to speak up about both the positive and negative parts of transitioning your love and relationship paradigm from monogamy to something else/different/more, finding similarities with one another, sharing strategies for working through the yucky stuff, and building our conceptions of open relationship models and frameworks. This survey only hits on some aspects of open relationships; I didn't ask about coming out to friends or family, or about how other identities intersect with the experience of being in an open relationship (such as sexual orientation, gender expression, kinks, fetishes, age, class, religion, etc.). Ideally, I would have asked somewhere closer to 50 questions, but I knew no one would want to do that, and I also was interested in some broader concepts (thus the questions on biggest ah-ha moments, struggles, and joys).

I am also keeping everyone's responses anonymous. This is a (relatively) anonymous blog, and I wanted people to feel safe in expressing their experiences, lessons, and feelings. Thank you to everyone who was willing to share with me and my readers! I will post one survey per blog post :) Here is the first one. Enjoy!

Where did you start in your open journey and where are you now? (Interpret and answer however you like!) 

For me, this question is a little difficult to answer. I was introduced to the idea of [an] "open relationship" in March of 2012 but knowing nothing of it, held deep and, regrettably, harsh feeling towards the idea and to my partner. The idea was then dropped, or so I thought. I was thrashed violently into it again in July when I found out my partner was emotionally involved with his ex who was "poly". They wanted me to be understanding of their feelings and made decisions for me which made me feel like a child. It was done behind my back and in a way that made me resent not only the parties involved, but also the idea of openness. After the initial shock wore off and I ran out of chocolate and ice cream to ease my suffering, I finally thought to myself, "how hard could it be? How hard is it to let my partner be honest and forthcoming to me about being attracted to others but at the same time still want to be with me?" I decided then and there that this was something I could work through and get to understand better. Since then my partner and I have been open and loving where it's taking us. We both have changed our ideas about it drastically since March and are still learning and finding out new things about ourselves we didn't even know exists. Though it is unknown terrain, we like it that way. 

What are your motivations and reasons for having an open/poly/ethically nonmonogamous relationship? 

Since my father's infidelity, I knew that monogamy didn't exist in my life. I knew that it wasn't for me, but because of how I was raised and what I thought I had to abide to, I just gave in and tried finding "the one." I just didn't have the information or the knowledge to know there was something else out there. I've always dated multiple people at the same time with them knowing I was, but didn't find out until recent[ly] that I was already practicing a form of openness. It wasn't until I met my current partner that I actually started using terms and meeting people of this community. My motivation is simple; I want to meet like-minded individuals who share the same ideals that my partner and I do and have fun while loving, living, and exploring life. Love is all you need! 

If you had to label your relationship (swinger, poly, ethically nonmonogamous, open, etc), what would you choose and why? 

I'm still trying to figure out all the lingo used in this community! My partner and I have changed our ideas and thoughts about our relationship dramatically since we started. We initially started seeing individuals, then tried meeting couples online, then back to individuals, then just us, then couples. It's never ending, but I wouldn't change anything. Sometimes you have to force yourself into uncomfortable situations to see how your mind, body, and soul might react. I wouldn't [have] found out how much I liked actually viewing my partner with another woman if I didn't put myself in the situation. So long story short, if I had to pick a title to fit us, I would say ethical swingers; we love seeing and being with other loving couples, but want more from the relationship than just pure sex. 

Do you currently have a partner or partners? What do the boundaries in your relationships look like? 

I have a boyfriend and as of right now we are just focusing on building our relationship but do have a couple that we enjoy seeing and playing with from time to time. When we are with them we are always checking in with each other to make sure the comfort level is still at level with the fun. 

How do you practice safer sex? 

I am on the pill and when we're with others we use a condom. 

How do you define love? 

I have to quote Shakespeare because it is by far the best definition of love that I have heard and connected with. "Love- it will not betray, dismay, or enslave you. It will set you free." 

How you define jealousy? What do you do when you feel jealous? What are some ways you manage jealousy? 

Jealousy is a nagging itch that I can't reach at times. Especially when I'm being extra hard on myself. No matter how hard I twist and turn, how far back I reach my hands, or even try to ignore it, it wouldn't disappear. It wasn't until I realized there are tools I can put into effect to rid myself of this itch. I consulted with open friends, I talked through my struggle with my partner, I bought books to enlighten myself that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy. You sometimes just need someone to itch that stratch for you. Surrounding myself with loving friends and tools to aid me in my compersion journey has been the best medicine. 

What has been one of your biggest "ah-ha" moments since being open?

The biggest moment for me was when I actually opened up and met people of the open community. The only experience I had with an open relationship was the one I experienced that unfortunately happened behind my back with two people making all the decisions for me. I had negative thoughts on it for a long time until I finally reached out to a young women I only knew from her blog. I was miserable and lost, not knowing if this was something I could do, or if I could, where to turn to for advice or even vent to. I reached out with hesitation and emailed her, not knowing what kind of response I'd get. I'm so happy that I did, because ever since that first email I have finally begun to see the positives of being open. Because of her, I learned that there are in fact very loving, warm, enriching, and very good looking open people in this city that not only want to make my partner feel loved, but to make sure I feel comfortable and loved, as well. She made me have my first "ah-ha" moment by letting me know that I never have to feel alone in this community and I love her for that. Thank you. 

What has been one of your biggest struggles since being open? 

My biggest struggle is getting over the initial shock of hearing and sometimes viewing [my] partner's attraction to another woman. It has gotten better since the beginning, but sometimes it stings for a bit. I am better at communicating my feelings to my partner and have worked on compersion methods to further help rid myself of jealousy. 

What has been one of your biggest joys since being open?

My biggest joy thus far is meeting all the wonderful people of the community. I also would have to say that since being open, my partner and I have experienced how much being open has brought us closer together. Seeing my partner happy and loving others has given me a better understanding of him and his needs. It's a joy that I don't think I could [have] seen if we weren't open. It's as if a whole new door has opened in our world that we are able to go through and discover together. That's the best part- exploring love together as an open couple.

Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures

I just flew through another long-awaited read: Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures by Ayala Malach Pines.

Up until this point, I had adapted Kathy Labriola’s definitions of envy and jealousy. According to Labriola, jealousy is when you want to take something away from someone (“I don’t want you to have fun with your other partner") and envy is when you don’t want to take something away, but you wish you had it too ("I am glad you get to have fun with your other partner, and I wish I could go have fun with someone, too). In contrast, Pines offers these more psychological research-based definitions:

-Envy: a dyadic emotional experience, in which you want something that someone else has, and you don’t want them to have that thing.

-Jealousy: a triadic emotional experience, in which a third individual poses a threat to a valued intimate relationship that you have with someone else.

I like the definition Pines offers for jealousy, because I think the feelings of threat are basically what jealousy comes down to. These threatened feelings can, and I think often do, have deeper roots in insecurities and fears.

One really fascinating thing to me that she mentions is the idea of dispositional versus situational jealousy:

Dispositional jealousy = “I am a jealous person.” Or “I am not a jealous person.”

Situational jealousy = “When I experience X I feel jealous.”

In her research, she found individuals who identify as a jealous person and individuals who do not identify as a jealous person have similar levels and expressions of jealousy; both groups experience jealousy and have similar reactions to similar situations. However, people who did not identify as jealous people had better coping skills than those who identified as jealous. Lesson: Shifting your framework from a dispositional one to a situational one can empower you to find workable solutions to managing and diminishing your jealousy.

Pines discusses five different approaches to understanding jealousy, and integrates them to make a more holistic approach:

-The psychodynamic approach: Freud’s theory postulates that jealousy is universal, and stems from childhood experiences. In order to “cure” jealousy, this approach says that you need to go through individual psychotherapy and delve into your Oedipal/Electra complex.

-The systems approach: This model sees jealousy as stemming from relationship dynamics. Individuals may be predisposed to feeling jealousy, but ultimately, it is the partners involved and relationship structure and situations that bring out jealousy. Thus, addressing jealousy means involving all romantic partners involved through couples counseling and couples-based solutions.

-Behavioral and Cognitive Behavioral approach: The behavioral framework views jealousy as just another learned, not innate, behavior; therefore, jealousy can be unlearned. One of the most common therapeutic techniques is Rational Emotive Therapy.

-Social-psychological approach: The social-psychological model views jealousy as a consequence of our culture. Cultural norms define the expression of jealousy- what kinds of situations are appropriate to feel jealousy about, and how to express it.

-Socio-biological/evolutionary approach: Popularized by Buss, this approach sees jealousy as an innate characteristic, bred into our genes through natural selection. Following this approach is the idea that men and women experience jealousy differently- men tend to feel jealous about sexual infidelity, while women tend to feel jealous about emotional infidelity. 

Pines integrates these approaches into a model of concentric circles, and sees these seemingly contradictory approaches as more complementary than anything else. An individual may be predisposed to feel jealousy as a result of their childhood and family experiences and dynamics, and may also tend to experience jealousy more strongly tied to sexual or emotional infidelity depending on their sex and gender role. Also, depending on the larger culture and social norms this individual grows up, this person is taught by media, religion, and other authority figures when jealousy expression is encouraged, accepted, and supported. The individual thus learns how to think about, feel about, and express jealousy from family and culture. Within a particular relationship with a particular partner this individual may experience and express jealousy more strongly, and within a different relationship with a different partner this same individual may have a very different experience of jealousy. Thus, Pines sees all of these approaches working together to explain why people experience jealousy.

Here is me as an example, in a nutshell, following Pines integrated framework:

I grew up with a mom that expressed jealousy- it was acceptable to her to say jealous-informed things about my dad’s ex-girlfriends. I also, for whatever reason, developed an anxious-attachment style- I always thought my parents would divorce when they had a fight, and I was fearful of being abandoned (a pattern which has followed me in all of my intimate relationships, platonic and romantic, through childhood and early adulthood). I grew up in American culture, inundated by media messages that said that being jealous about romantic partners was perfectly normal, monogamy is the norm, you can only romantically love one person at a time, and this love entitles you to exert quite a bit of control and power over this person. According to the socio-biological approach, because I am a woman, I am also predisposed to feel more jealous over emotional infidelity; honestly, I don’t know what I am more threatened by- emotional or sexual infidelity (or in the case of my open relationship, between emotional and sexual intimacy). Most of all, I am threatened by the combination of the two (which I call romantic intimacy); one or the other is somewhat difficult, but not like the jealousy I experience when both intimacies are present. I know that my relationship structure means that I have to work through jealousy head-on because of the constant possibility and existence of a “third” (someone J is involved with), but I also have a much deeper self-awareness than when we were monogamous. When J and I were monogamous (and in my previous monogamous relationships), I experienced jealousy at the more extreme levels (getting jealous over an attractive woman working out near J in the gym, knowing that an ex-boyfriend enjoyed having close friendships with girls, etc.). Even though I now experience jealousy more frequently, and still intensely at times, I have a much larger arsenal of coping skills and a much better handle on the underlying reasons for my jealousy. In my experience, I clearly learned what situations were supposed to be jealousy inducing and learned how to express jealousy, and I have also clearly done a lot of work to unlearn those pathways and create new ones.

Coping skills that Pines offers include those informed by the different approaches described above (there are others she discusses, but these are the ones I found noteworthy):

-"Jealousy as the Shadow of Love": this is an exercise basically asking the individual to reflect on and connect childhood experiences with adult jealousy.

-Role-reversal exercises: thinking and trying to truly understand how your partner feels; acting like one another (so the person experiencing jealousy acts like they aren't and the person not experiencing jealousy acts like they are) to provide understanding and compassion; writing a defense from your partner's point of view

-Desensitization: create a list of triggering situations, imagine the least triggering situation while going through relaxation exercises, with the intent of being able to use relaxation coping to manage triggering situations (somewhat like the phobia model)

-Rational Emotive Therapy: a widely used cognitive-behavioral technique. I have mentioned RET on here before because I first used it to rework some of my negative body image thought processes. RET follows a standard formula to challenge deeply held, often irrational, beliefs. I think it is quite effective, and I find it even more awesome that the creator, Albert Ellis, also was skeptical of monogamy ["The creator of rational-emotive therapy, Albert Ellis (1962/1996), has a similar criticism of monogamy, which, in his opinion, not only 'directly encourages the development of intense jealousy, but also by falsely assuming that men and women can love only one member of the other sex at a time, and can only be sexually attracted to that one person, indirectly sows the seeds for even more violent displays of jealousy.'" (p155)]

-Physiologically Monitored Implosion Therapy (PMIT): this is basically a flooding therapy technique, and should be done with an experienced therapist. Basically, you identify the most triggering aspects of a situation making you jealous. You record yourself describing in great detail the situation, and then listen to this recording every day until it no longer causes pain, but much milder emotions like boredom. The basic idea is to desensitize you to a triggering situation through flooding and constant exposure. Pines warns that this technique can be quite overwhelming and can backfire on the patient unless the therapist can provide the support the patient needs.

-Work on shifting from a dispositional to a situational attribution; this alone can empower you to choose coping skills that work for you.

In her chapter on managing jealousy in open relationship, Pines discusses open marriages, swingers, the polyfidelitous Kerista commune, and an open commune. It was interesting to read her observations and analysis of the different groups, especially since she doesn't really account for people in open polyamorous relationships, in which romantic love with other partners is allowed. All of those she interviewed only had casual sex as options, or in the case of the Keristas, has non-hierarchical relationships within a closed group.

Reading this book was really enlightening for me on a couple different levels. As someone who has experienced a lot of jealousy, it was helpful to read about some other techniques I can use to cope with jealousy. It was also really helpful to read about the systems approach, and how relationship dynamics can highlight jealousy issues. Because Pines also wrote the book for therapists working with individuals and couples dealing with jealousy, it was a really awesome insight into the kind of work I’ll be doing over the next few years in my Couples & Family Therapy program. I really liked filling out the romantic jealousy questionnaire at the end of the book; it was enlightening for me to reflect on what kinds of situations make me feel jealous, and to what degree. This book reads a little bit like an accessible textbook, and so it might feel a little dry to some readers, but I appreciated all of her discussion about the different approaches and the chance to reflect on my experiences.

Compatibility and LTRs

How do you know if your long-term relationship is really what you want? How do you know if you and your partner are as compatible as you can get? How do you know when to stop looking?

My dear, long-time friend called me this past weekend, very upset, because she and her long-term boyfriend had had a fight. They have two recurring fights, and they are also going through major life transitions (ending grad school, moving together, trying to find jobs, etc.). All of that alone is enough to make two people go a little bananas (I can attest to that, too). Add in some recurring fights, that never seem to resolve satisfactorily, and you're bound to feel at least a little upset, depressed, frustrated, and unsure about yourself and your relationship.

My friend told me: Sometimes I just don't know if this is the right choice for me. I've only ever been with him. I don't have anything to compare my relationship with him to. I don't know if we're just trying to force two puzzle pieces together when we shouldn't be. How do you know if you are as happy as you can be? What if there is a better fit for me somewhere else? How do you know? What if I just wonder my whole life if I settled for this?

When J and I started dating, he and I had a handful of pretty heated conversations in which he asked me those same questions: How do you know when to stop looking for a better fit, a better partner, someone with whom you are even more happy?

My response then, and my response now, was: if you are happy now, you should keep doing what you're doing. If you're not happy, then change something.

(Looking back on these conversations, J and I see what was going on: I was threatened hearing him question his happiness with me, and he was freaking out about a potential lifelong monogamous relationship starting, for him, at age 17.)

I listened to my dear friend and offered emotional support. The things I didn't tell her on the phone, but wanted to (she wasn't really calling for advice):

You and your boyfriend have been together since high school; you are both each other's only romantic partner ever. You both deserve the chance to meet, get to know, and discover other people to have the knowledge about what kinds of people you are compatible with. I don't know if this means that you two would have to break up in order to go through this discovery process; ideally, you could do it together. But wondering your whole life if you just "settled" sounds crappy. You need to make a choice: choose to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and go with it, or negotiate a change with your partner. In my experience, relationship satisfaction goes way, way up once you have a more solid idea that the partner you are with is someone you are highly compatible with (and if you discover you aren't as compatible as you thought you were, then you can make a choice about who you want to be with a in long-term relationship). If you are happy, genuinely happy, for the most part in your relationship, and if the crummy times are worth all of the happy times, then stick with it. Count yourself lucky that you created such an awesome relationship so early in your life. Be open to change and to the ever-changing dynamics of your partner and your relationship. Welcome change and be open to negotiation so that your relationship and love can be open your changing needs and desires as you grow together.

Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex

I am finally trying to get through a bunch of sexy books I bought over a year ago- I just finished one. And loved it (for the most part).

Sallie Tisdsale's Talk Dirty to Me: An Intimate Philosophy of Sex is engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It was published in the early 90s, and some of what is in there is a bit dated, but a lot of her philosophizing on gender, sexuality, orgasm, sex, and love still applies. I bookmarked so many pages because her poetic words captured feelings of my own. (The parts I didn't love as much were sentences here and there that I found surprisingly gendered- sort of a men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-venus sentiments. Otherwise, it was a solid read!) I also really enjoyed the parts about the intersection between law and politics and sexuality (porn, prostitution, medical laws surrounding transgender surgery, religious influences, etc.).

The book is separated into four chunks, each with a few different essays on different topics: Desire (discussions of sex, the myth of Adam and Eve, sexual orientation), Arousal (discussions of porn, prostitution), Climax (discussions of erotica, orgasm), and Resolution (discussion of breaking taboos, BDSM, transsexuals and transgenders).

I bolded my favorite parts of quotes (sorry for how many there are!! can't help myself). Some I added explanation to, while many I let stand on their own.

Favorites from Desire

One of her opening quotes that I loved:
"Sex is, truly, not important- that is, something we can cease worrying about- only to the extent that we look at sex and see it for what it really is, and nothing more" (p6).

"Now I can see I'd lost my virginity- and lost is not the right word at all, because I never went looking for it again- years before that, when someone or other had touched me in a way so pleasurable, I couldn't wait to be touched that way again. Sex begins, for each of us, when we feel as though we'd gone through a door and won't be going back. Don't want to go back" (p 34).
I love that line: "because I never went looking for it again." I've thought before about defining virginity as somehow "lost" or "gone" once one goes through puberty. Her description ("when we feel as though we'd gone through a door and won't be going back") feels accurate for me.

I think I have, too, been seduced by the idea of same-sex sex, under the idea that this other woman will be just like me and know exactly what I want. What a silly idea.
"I have at various times in my life been seduced by homosexuality, by the very idea of it, to the same degree and with a similar sexual charge. I want its possibilities, its infinite variations on a theme. Women I recognize; they are the familiar, the known, different patterns cut from one fabric. One and one combined into more than two, additive rather than diminutive. The fantasy of homosexuality isn't about being completed; it's about being increased. And this is as much fiction as reality, too" (p 66).

"All relations spark with conflict from the movement toward anyone outside ourselves, since all others are inevitably apart from us, separate, ultimately unknowable. For all the ease in female friendships, my romantic and sexual attractions, my romantic and sexual attractions toward women have never felt safe or bland or controlled. They are just as risky and terrifying and pregnant with possibility as any involvement with men" (p 67-8).

"We are all in search of balance, and evening out of things, and whether we seek in our lover the 'other' that is missing or the 'self' that we recognize, it is our selves with which we are stuck" (p70).

"I believe most people are bisexual to varying extents. This seems so obvious as to sound mundane...I believe we are all penetrable, we can all penetrate, we can all be top, bottom, masculine, feminine, up and down...When we describe what attracts us, we are usually thinking too narrowly, and forgetting where our loyalties in fact lie, who our lovers really are and what they look like and how little that matters.
The range should not be zero through six [referring to the Kinsey scale], but zero through six hundred, or six thousand...Perhaps there is one sexuality for each of us..." (p 76).
I think perhaps so!! One sexuality for each person. :)

"The more I watched pornography, the more layers peeled off my experience of lust, one layer after the other, because I didn't always like my response. When something dark and forbidden emerges, I resist still. My body is sometimes provoked by what my mind reproves" (p 97).

Favorites from Arousal

"Even when I'm not bashful in the act of purchase [of porn], I'm bashful watching. I can feel that way with friends, with my lover of many years, and I can feel that way alone. Suddenly I need to shift position, avert my eyes. Sex awakens my unconscious; pornography gives it a face. Bashful is not a bad thing, either; I'm repeatedly reminded this way that sex holds, perpetually, a special place" (p 133).

I think her views on porn and anti-porn feminists are fascinating (she is very pro-porn):
"There is so much wrong with traditional pornography. It just plain disgusts me sometimes, with its juvenile assumptions, boring repetition, lack of depth. But as much as what is wrong with porn, I see what is right: In porn, sex is separated magically from reproduction, marriage, and the heterosexual couple, all of which most feminists would argue have been oppressive to women....
Women like Catharine MacKinnon and Andrea Dworking have allied themselves with a political camp that is also against reproductive choice, gay rights, and gender equality. Dworkin's lurid antisex prose reads like arty dime-store pulp to me. She looks down on me and shakes her finger: Bad girl. Mustn't touch. I've heard those words too many times before" (p 157-8).

I loved her essay on prostitution and sex work. She interviewed Samantha Miller, one of the co-directors of COYOTE (Call Off Your Tired Old Ethics, the oldest organization in the US for prostitutes and sex workers), and I love this passage:
" " 'Doing sex work is damaging,' people say. 'Giving all those blowjobs is damaging, it's degrading.' I think society's attitude toward blowjobs it what's degrading. Not the actual act," says Samantha Miller. "My belief, and this is really a hard one for people to take, is that given economic equality for women-all things equal- there would still be women who would choose to do sex work, to call themselves prostitutes, to sell sex for money, however you want to say it." " (p 173)

She also interviews a young woman, Alex, who paid her way through college by being a prostitute. Alex's points are right on:
" "To me, feminism is about choices for women, period...
I went to school with upper-middle-class self-identified feminist women who would argue with me in class about how prostitution contributed to the oppression of all women and how by participating in sex work I was furthering the oppression of women. Here I was, the only working-class kid in this whole classroom of upper-middle-class kids, and they were all going to tell me how horrible sex work was and how it was against feminism, and blah-blah. And it was, like, 'Fuck you! Mommy and Daddy are paying for everything. I have nothing. Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do.' " " (p183).

"Say 'sex work' to almost anyone outside the industry, and that person will hear the word 'sex'; 'work' is a distant and seemingly unimportant echo. To look at sex work as work first can turn every assumption on its head." (p 195)
I love this point; rarely do people consider sex work as work because of the simple fact that sexual energy is involved. But the same issues involved in any other kind of work are involved in sex work- customers, colleagues, reputation, safety, skill, etc.

"The urge to romanticize the prostitute and her life is just like the urge to imagine her as infinitely sordid or as an inevitable victim- more about us than the whore. The whore scares us, the happy whore most of all, because she doesn't need conventional rules to survive and thrive. She makes up her own" (p 204).

I love her description of her fantasies (too long to type and include here)- but it is so similar to my own. Just snapshots of different images, without any real storyline or plot:
"Some images, which have gotten so fragmentary they hardly qualify as fantasy, are twisted and nasty, and some are postcard-romantic" (p 221).

"...dominance is really about cowardice and courage, our unwillingness and inability to let go completely for even a second, and our wish to be dominated by our wish. To have sexuality itself say to us: I know what you want, baby, and I'm going to give it to you" (p 222).
Mmm I just love this one. 

Favorites from Climax

"Penis envy is about something bigger, darker, more amorphous, more instructive than the body alone. We dress up in various symbolic ways to confuse and confound others into thinking we do have one after all, a real phallus- that is, power over others, potent and permanently erect... It's [a penis] not as dangerous looking as a vagina, the most, dark cave out of which new people come, into which goes appetite, appetite almost ceaseless" (p 238-9).

"Adam fell when Eve fed him. Sex is food, and food is sex. Hunger leads to sin, and one solution is to eat again..." (p 252).
I like this one because of my own behavior and emotional patterns around touch, sex, and food. I notice that when I am craving touch, and find it hard to get, I overeat. I look for food to satisfy the desire for touch. Sex and touch and food are, somehow, intimately intertwined in my brain.

"Young [Wayland Young, author of Eros Denied] dislikes saying one 'has sex' because of the obscure and evasive meaning of 'have.' To have something is to possess it, and a sexual relationship is a kind of possession. It means possessing moments in time that are unique, irreducible, unrepeatable. It means having had a share of another's surrender...To 'have' something is a passive state, static, and experience of being rather than doing. To fuck is to do..." (p 256).
I love the word "fuck." So good.

"I catch myself talking about safe sex now and then, glibly, as though it had no psychic meaning. But for all the simplicity of latex, for all that protecting ourselves from sexually transmitted diseases is largely a matter of a few moments of forethought, there is a great price required. In the depth of sexual passion the skin of the other has the quality of treasure; the mundane secretions our bodies make are honey, manna, light. To be cut off from each other's fluids is a terrible thing; our fluids are meant to mingle, we long for this mingling that is both so outrageous and so pure" (p 279-80).
When I first read this, I recoiled a little- a mixture of both my public health background and my own personal insecurities around giving up fluid-bonding as a measure of primacy in my own relationship (at some point, I am sure either J or I or both will have sex without condoms with another person, and I have come to recognize this as pretty inevitable. At one point in our open relationship, I used this fluid-bonding as a marker of our primary relationship, but it shouldn't be. Our primary relationship is about life decisions and compatibility. And while safer sex is a big concern for both of us, when one of is seeing someone else long-term, I am sure it will come up as a desire for the people involved. And I am good with that.) And I think what Tisdale says is really accurate- there is a large part of my body and brain (and I'm sure for others as well) that craves the skin-on-skin, fluid-sharing part of sex. Also- the whole idea of "fluid-bonding" (at least in how I have approached it thus far in my open relationship) needs some improving. I have swallowed other men's come, I have scissored with women, I have unprotected oral sex with men and women. There is fluid sharing there.

"Libido, to Freud, meant more than sexual energy, it mean energy, a life force, full of emotion. Reich took Freud's theory of libido and expanded it: If individual sexual repression led to individual neurosis, then socialized sexual repression led to socialized neurosis. Sexually repressed cultures were violent cultures, despairing, tyrannical. Sexual freedom would lead naturally to socialism" (p 287). 

Favorites from Resolution

"When people complain about how 'exploitive' or 'degrading' something like a sex club is (having never been to one), they fail to acknowledge how terrible and exploitive marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family can be for millions of people; how painful and harmful are traditional gender roles for many people; how downright dangerous heterosexual, patriarchal culture is for all women. If radical sexuality works, if sex clubs, underground magazines, anarchic sex shows, and safe-sex education do what they aim to do, then a falling away will happen. Yes, as is feared, a crumbling of boundaries: between male and female, feminine and masculine, top and bottom, gay and straight. The center will not hold" (p 325)
I love the shivery, revolutionary feeling of this. I believe in this. 

"An erotic reality would be one in which everyone is connected to us, where there is no moral distinction between friend, lover, and stranger. Erotic reality doesn't mean promiscuity, though promiscuity might occur; nor does it mean celibacy, though certainly celibacy would exist. Both, and everything in between, would be equivalent acts. An erotic vision is one of engagement in the lives and experiences of other people, embracing them as they are, and living fearlessly" (p 333).
I think, too, inherent in this statement is the idea that romantic love is not put on a pedestal, and seen in relation to and balanced by the the love we feel for other people in our lives. Romantic love wouldn't be for just one person, necessarily, and it wouldn't be seen as "better" than any other, but just a different kind of love.

"There is peace in the chaos of sex, because it is one place we can find each other in ourselves and our selves in each other" (p 337).
Presence.

And from her closing paragraph; this also makes me feel strong and confident and revolutionary to read it:
"My personal sexual revolution will come when I do what I really want to do sexually, don't do what I don't want to do, let others do what they want to do, with a whole heart. It's not how mundane or exotic our behavior is, but how wholehearted we are that counts. I want to be the agent of sex. I want to own sex, as though I had a right it, as though sex belonged to me, to us all. Sexual freedom in my life means forgetting about sex because sex is so much a part of me as a healthy human animal that I can hardly see it at all anymore..." (p 338).