tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32310029007836208852024-02-21T06:45:00.463-08:00From Monogamy to Something More. . .~A collection of our experiences with sexuality, sex, relationships, and love since opening up our relationship over two years ago~Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.comBlogger437125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-26732638191268526962014-01-02T17:01:00.002-08:002014-01-02T17:01:25.226-08:00MonogamyParadigm is Now SexualityReclaimed!<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Happy New Year, dear readers!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">From now on, please follow me and my adventures in polyamory/open relationships, queerness, stripping, social justice and activism, and more on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://www.sexualityreclaimed.com/">SexualityReclaimed</a></span>.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you for your loyal support, and I look forward to future blogging and discussion :)</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-16380889192274887602013-12-28T17:25:00.000-08:002013-12-28T17:25:03.151-08:00The Family Christmas Card & More<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/28/the-family-christmas-card-more/">SexualityReclaimed </a>:)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This trip away from Portland to see family for the holidays has been
largely fine, and some other periods of time have been “fine” in the AA
acronym-sense of the word (fucked up, irrational, neurotic, and
emotional).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Regular fine moments (from the quiet okayness of family time to the extremely fun and enjoyable) include:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Doing puzzles with my sister, mom, and J</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Reading two books, and working on others</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Walking with J and our dog in the sunshine</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-J and I going to the clothing-optional hot springs</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Seeing the looks of happiness and appreciation on my family’s faces when they saw the new TV J and I got them for Christmas.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Going to Bend with J’s brother and sister-in-law, including both a
wonderful walk with J and one by myself, and a ton of delicious food.
Breakfast out is one of my favorite things of being alive.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Getting a manicure and pedicure with my mom and sister</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Going for a nice hike with J’s family</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Going over to J’s grandma’s for french toast and bacon</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Playing a dance video game with J’s family</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Watching the sonogram of my sister-in-law’s baby</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Getting to visit with J’s ex-girlfriend/friend of ours for like 2 1/2 hours while in the hot tub</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Walking by myself to the coffee shop where I am now, by myself (much
needed), drinking a peppermint hot chocolate. I finally feel like I am
able to relax today.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">AA-FINE-moments include:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Seeing my mom’s Christmas card. Even though we took family pictures
at Thanksgiving, including my sister’s girlfriend, my mom opted to use
different pictures. It was extremely apparent to my sister and I that
her girlfriend was absent. J thinks perhaps this wasn’t because my
sister’s romantic partner is a woman, but because they haven’t been
together “long enough” for my mom to warrant inclusion on the card. I
don’t know. Whatever.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Struggling with chronic body image crap (negative self-talk, obsessiveness over eating and exercise, lack of compassion and loving-kindness for myself).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Finding out that, somehow, someone told J’s family that I was a
stripper. They haven’t asked me directly about it , but somehow, they
know. The gossiping drives me nuts.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Having Christmas dinner with J’s extended family- conservative, Tea
Party, highly religious. I kept myself entertained with a puzzle and
lots of apple crisp. This worked for the most part.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-J’s sister going off on J about us “not working,” “having zero
income,” while “some of us have to work to pay back student loans.” J
got pretty frustrated and irritated. We almost left even sooner than we
did (which was a day or two ahead of schedule).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-J’s mom flipping the fuck out because we visited with his ex/our
current good friend. She spent the whole next day completely stressed
out, her puffy eyes indicating to everyone out that she was miserable.
But would she offer any information? Absolutely not. (This was the
catalyst for us leaving sooner) The communication style within J’s
family absolutely drives me insane sometimes. This was one of those
times.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Being with my family, and feeling the intensity of 3 pairs of eyes
on my every move (my mom, sister, and dad). I don’t get it. Stop looking
at me!! The over-protectiveness and incessant worrying has become
easier for me to deal with in recent years, but was a lot harder for me
to shake off today. Thus the trip to Starbucks in solitude.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s getting close to the end of the year, and the New Year has
become increasingly meaningful to me. It’s a time to reflect on the
year’s events, to think about growth and change. I tend to make
“resolutions” and move toward change throughout the year as I think
about it, but I appreciate the formal reminder.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I see in those AA-FINE-moments a lack of transparent and clear
communication: a good reminder for me to continually push myself toward
asserting my boundaries calmly and compassionately. While it is
difficult when the content of the communication is about sensitive/taboo
topics, it is more important to me to have honest relationships than to
walk gingerly around family for fear of upsetting people.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do you have any New Year’s resolutions? How do your families encourage you to change and grow?</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-5412032013903488532013-12-25T23:25:00.001-08:002013-12-25T23:25:21.574-08:00School & Dancing Options<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Keep up with me at <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/25/school-dancing-options/">SexualityReclaimed</a>! Come January 1, I will be posting only on SexualityReclaimed.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been trying to not think about my school/dance issue for the
past couple of days. Here is what has been bubbling on the back burner. I
have many options in moving forward with my goals. Let’s see:</span><br />
<ol>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stay in the program I am in: This would require me to acquiesce to
the faculty and stop dancing. I could also finish what I started
(question: is this a program and degree I want to stay with and be
associated with?)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Attempt to stay full time and fight the faculty: This is risky, as I
could be asked to the leave the program, which could have a big impact
on future employment and school opportunities. It also sounds exhausting
to do this while in school full time. If I am able to continue dancing
and stay in the program, it could have complicated ramifications. It
seems like I would constantly have to assert myself and potentially
fight with faculty throughout my time in the program.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stay in the program, but plan on leaving after this semester: This
could give me more time to assess the whole situation, assert my
perspective to faculty, but I would also need to acquiesce for the
semester (and stop dancing). It seems like a good mix of things.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Stay in the program, drop down to part time: I haven’t thought about
this as much. Any “stay in the program” option requires me to most
likely stop dancing.</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Withdraw from the program right now: This sounds nice in just
getting away from the grossness, but also feels like a rushed decision.
However, it would allow me to try to find a job and potentially apply to
social work programs (I have found a couple that I like). Overall, this
sort of set-up (working and in a social work program part-time) sounds
best to me.</span></li>
</ol>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Factors at play for me include:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-I am really ready to have school be on the sidelines of my life. I
want to go to school part time and work part time (or work full time and
go to school less than part time).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-I feel antsy in being done with school. I want to be able to do
counseling work, and so I feel like I need a counseling degree to be
seen as legitimate by potential clients (in Oregon, I could be a
relationship coach or counselor without a degree or license). I also
want the formal training. But it sounds crummy to me to reapply to
programs and start at a new one next fall.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Time. I feel rushed in making a decision before January 6. I also don’t know how much time is ideal in making this decision.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-I have applied for a number of social service type jobs and I feel
hopeful that one could work out relatively soon (in the next couple of
months).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Money. The program I am in now is expensive. I am mostly living on
student loans. The amount of loans I have out now is manageable to pay
back on my own. To go for one more semester I will be relying on the
student loan repayment programs to get myself out from debt. I don’t
want to stay in the program just because I don’t feel like I have enough
time to make a decision, when that will really impact how much in loans
I have.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-I feel sad thinking about leaving because: I love my advisor. I have
come to know the people in my cohort so well in so little time, and I
enjoy so many of them. I have been so excited about the sex therapy
track at my school, and the intense clinical training there. It feels
really disappointing to just leave.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Based on those factors and trying to make a rational, logical
decision, it seems like withdrawing right now from the program could be
best option. I think another top option is staying for one more semester
and then withdrawing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Trying to listen to what “feels best” is a lot more difficult for me.
I feel overwhelmed by all of the different factors involved and
potential ways I could go.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is all slightly funny to me: in my last theories class (before
all of this came up), our instructor asked us to draw a symbol of how we
were feeling (about finishing up class, in general, in the moment). I
drew a heart with several arrows moving outwards in many different
directions. I remember explaining that I am just really excited about
moving forward, but that I could see myself applying my skills and
knowledge in many different ways. I am trying to retain that sense of
excitement and not get bogged down in the stress of this situation.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">To close, I wanted to include a parable that a reader sent to me. I really appreciated receiving this gift:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The story of The Truth and The Lie</span><br />
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Truth and the Lie were sisters. Both were very beautiful women.
Once on a beautiful day Truth wanted to go out for a swim, so she took
off her clothes and swam in the Lake. As Truth was bathing and relaxing
out in the water, Lie noticed all of Truth’s clothes on the beach. So
she took them and went to the village claiming she was Truth. Truth who
was afraid to get out of the water at first was so outraged that she
went to town to get her clothes back telling the villagers that she was
the Truth. However the villagers were so ashamed to look at the Naked
Truth that they choose to believe the Lie dressed in Truth’s clothing.</span></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you all are enjoying time with
friends and family. Thank you again for reading and for being supportive
of me!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/how-to-draw-a-heart-0011.jpg?w=300&h=208" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="how-to-draw-a-heart-0011" border="0" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-909" height="208" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/how-to-draw-a-heart-0011.jpg?w=300&h=208" width="300" /></a></div>
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/how-to-draw-a-heart-0011.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></a><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-18231383254626860242013-12-25T23:22:00.000-08:002013-12-25T23:22:03.780-08:00Merry Vulva Christmas!<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Check this out and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/25/merry-vulva-christmas/">SexualityReclaimed</a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J gave me the BEST GIFT EVER!!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He remembered that I have wanted one since I saw one in some kind of sexual education or training.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you want your own, visit Etsy and search “WondrousVulvaPuppet” </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/1511316_10102727097087383_461429803_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="1511316_10102727097087383_461429803_n" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-905" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/1511316_10102727097087383_461429803_n.jpg?w=167&h=300" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-32255416381685708902013-12-25T23:20:00.000-08:002013-12-25T23:20:00.839-08:00Underdogs & Misfits<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/23/underdogs-misfits/">SexualityReclaimed</a>! I will be discontinuing this blog on January 1, 2014, so you will have to check out SexualityReclaimed to stay updated. Bookmark, follow, or do whatever else! :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I recently finished Malcolm Gladwell’s newest book, <a href="http://www.powells.com/biblio/9780316204361"><span style="color: magenta;"><em>David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants</em></span></a>.
And, saw “Dallas Buyers Club” (if someone fits the bill as an underdog
or misfit, it’s Ron Woodruff, imo). I love, love, loved that movie.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I felt so comforted reading and watching these stories, likely
because I have been feeling like an underdog/misfit myself. I have felt
like an outsider many times in my life (a huge motivation for going to
Berkeley for college), but never so much as right now. I also really
appreciated Gladwell’s reframing of what it means to be the little
person (in his traditional style). It’s not about being weaker or
smaller or having less resources and then miraculously overcoming a
situation: there are advantages to things we normally see as
disadvantages, disadvantages to things we normally see as advantages,
some level of difficulty that actually leaves us stronger in the end,
and limits to the big person’s power (power has its limits). There are
so many ways in which the underdog actually has the advantages in a
tricky situation, and may actually yield more power than the “powerful”
person.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of the parts I liked the most from Gladwell’s book is about the
Big Five theory of personality, and how innovators tend to be not only
open to new ideas and conscientious and persistent, but also tend to be
pretty darn disagreeable. (You can take a <a href="http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/"><span style="color: magenta;">free test here</span></a>;
it measures openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness,
and neuroticism. I’m relatively to pretty high on all of them according
to this test). Being disagreeable, according to Gladwell, isn’t just
about being rude or selfish- it’s about bucking social norms and
expectations in favor of pursuing ideas and values outside the box or
norm. In this way, I would think of myself as pretty disagreeable. Not
that it’s always comfortable for me to be disagreeable in this sense,
but I think I have become more that way. (In the way that agreeableness
is traditionally discussed-unselfish, helpful, etc-, I am pretty
agreeable.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“The reasonable man [woman! person!]
adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to
adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the
unreasonable man.” ~George Bernard Shaw</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-41213051009475626912013-12-19T19:01:00.000-08:002013-12-19T19:01:20.340-08:00Social (In)justice: Who Says?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/19/social-injustice-who-says/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">During the course of talking to my advisor yesterday (who,
thankfully, is totally on my side), I was informed that not only are the
other faculty members outraged at the ethical violations inherent in
being a stripper while also training to become a therapist, they are
outraged at how being a stripper <em>contributes to further injustice in the world</em>.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Apparently, stripping supports The Patriarchy, contributes to the
objectification and violence against women, and supports trafficking of
girls.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Holy $h!t.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like I discussed earlier about <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/10/25/patriarchy-stripping/"><span style="color: magenta;">patriarchy and stripping</span></a>,
I think this world is full of “both/and,” and far less of “either/or.” I
will not disagree that by participating in stripping I am supporting
the “male gaze.” I also think there is more to my story of stripping.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What matters, to me, is the personal intention, awareness, and small-scale action that takes place within oppressive structures.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What about my classmates who work at Target, an anti-LGBTQ company?
Or classmates who are all about the bling (one, in fact, owns more than
500 pairs of shoes) and thus pay more attention to their material
acquisitions than the fact that their consumerism and materialism
contributes to the oppression of the poor? What about classmates who
smoke and contribute to second-hand and third-hand smoke? Or, heaven
forbid, what about my classmates who <em>go to strip clubs as patrons</em>?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is about sex and it’s about sex work.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like another student said to me yesterday: It’s pretty terrible how
many times faculty in our program force others to sacrifice personal
justice in the name of “social justice.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who gets to decide how an individual contributes to social justice or
injustice? Especially over something so gray as the work that one does
to support oneself?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The professor I met with said: It’s not about the exotic dancing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But it is. There’s no way around that one.</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-54736753599686162582013-12-18T22:21:00.000-08:002013-12-18T22:21:35.510-08:00Poly Ideas in "Ecotopia"<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/18/poly-ideas-in-ecotopia/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was assigned to read a novel for a class next semester (assuming I
am still in school). The class is called Introduction to Ecopsychology,
the book <a href="http://www.powells.com/biblio/9780553348477"><span style="color: magenta;"><em>Ecotopia</em></span></a>.
The book itself is a little dorky, the writing okay, some presentations
of gender and race off (it was written in 1975), but the ideas inherent
in the story are thought-provoking (that an ecologically sound country
would totally revolutionize school, the work week would be 20 hours,
women run the government, cars are left behind in favor of bikes and
high speed rail, etc.).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I loved reading the following passages, too, that hint at values
within ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory and a societal structure of
relationship that echoes how I could see relationships operating if
polyamory were the norm instead of the rule:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“<em>…It turns out she [Marissa, the main character's newfound lover
in Ecotopia] has a regular lover in the camp. But has somehow arranged
it so she can be with me during my stay. Lover is blond, shy, blushes a
lot about other things but doesn’t seem at all jealous about his woman
having made love with me. Evidently there are other women he can console
himself with! Wasn’t sure till nightfall who would sleep with whom. But
she came to the little cabin I’m assigned to, quite unanxious about the
whole situation.</em></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>…It’s as if the whole American psychodrama of mutual suspicion
between the sexes, demands and counterdemands and our desperate working
at sex like a problem to be solved, has left my head. Everything comes
from our feelings…” </em>(p. 58-9).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“<em>I don’t see, when I look at Ecotopian love relationships, or
marriages, that awful sense of constriction that we felt, the impact of a
rigid sterotyped set of expectations- that this was the way we were
going to relate to each other forever, that we </em>had<em> to, in order to somehow survive in a hostile universe</em><em>.
Ecotopians’ marriages shade off more gradually into extended family
connections, into friendships with both sexes. Individuals don’t perhaps
stand out as sharply as we do; they don’t present themselves as
problems or gifts to each other, more as companions. Nobody is was
essential (or as expendable) here as with us. It is all fearfully
complex and dense to me, yet I can see that it’s the density that
sustains them- there are always good solid alternatives to any
relationship, however intense. Thus they don’t have our terrible
agonizing worries when a relationship is rocky. This saddens me somehow-
it seems terribly unromantic. It’s their usual goddamned realism: they
are taking care of themselves, of each other. Yet I can see too that
it’s that very realism that allows them to be silly and irresponsible
sometimes, because they know they can afford it; mistakes are never
irreparable, they are never going to be cast out alone, no matter what
they do… And perhaps this even makes marriages last better- they have
lower expectations than we do, in some ways. A marriage is a less
central fact of a person’s life, and therefore it is not so crucial that
it be altogether satisfying (as if anything or anybody was ever
altogether satisfying.) </em>…” (p 117-8).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Cheers!</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-86900091971262876742013-12-18T22:19:00.000-08:002013-12-18T22:19:39.919-08:00Clarifying Values & What's Important<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/16/clarifying-values-whats-important/">SexualityReclaimed</a></span>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been <strong><em>stressed out</em> </strong>since my meeting
with my professor. Luckily, I had social engagements planned beforehand
for the weekend which all allowed me to get out and do things with
people who care about me. I still found myself drifting off and zoning
out, thinking about all of this crap. I told J on Friday: I don’t really
feel like going out, I don’t really feel like doing this, but I think I
probably should. And I’m glad I did. My counselor affirmed that as well
(I saw her for a second appointment on Saturday to talk about
everything): Make sure to schedule time to <em>not</em> think about all of this. It will be really important in allowing what’s important to you to rise to the surface.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So, in happy news: Friday night I had a fabulous date with a fabulous woman (yummy wine + The L Word + lady sex = <em>AMAZING</em>).
Saturday night J and I went out for a little bit to the Velvet Rope (it
was super dead there but I got to see my fave male stripper). Sunday
night we had a really fun hang-out and movie night time with some of our
besties (and watched “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy,” which was
surprisingly good and I actually really enjoyed!!)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My counselor recommended that I try to clarify what is important to
me to guide my decision making. She asked me, What floats to the surface
with all of this? Here are some of the points I have sussed out so far:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/calrify-values.jpeg?w=300&h=199" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="calrify-values" border="0" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-888" height="199" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/calrify-values.jpeg?w=300&h=199" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/calrify-values.jpeg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. I want to end dancing on my own terms, not on someone else’s. I
don’t think I will have closure and the resolution I want otherwise.
Dancing has been about self-empowerment on a number of levels, and so to
end because someone else told me I cannot do it (for whatever reason)
would be highly unsatisfying. Being bullied into quitting dancing is not
okay for me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. Dancing has become more and more political to me, and my ability
to dance has taken on more macro level importance: sex worker rights,
un-shame-ing (i.e., empowerment of) and allowing space for female
sexuality, etc. My personal act of dancing in the way that I do it has
political implications of disturbing stereotypical ideas of what it
means to be a stripper, what female sexuality looks like and can be,
what it means to be a woman, what it means to be an activist. I can’t
ignore the broader implications of engaging in sex work (and what it
would mean to have a professor tell me I cannot do it because it is
“unethical”).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. I have worked really hard to be out as myself with most people in
most contexts. I don’t intend to give it up. Being out is one of my core
values.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am sure there will be other main points if importance that come up
for me in the coming weeks, but this was a good start that I had over
the weekend. I can start to see some potential paths take more shape,
and I am confident that as long as I figure out what is important to me
and stick by that, that I will make the decision that is right for me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you to everyone for your support and love. I have been
overwhelmed this weekend by everyone around me (in-person, via email, on
Facebook, on here) that has shown me support. Thank you.</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-7892995003978226272013-12-14T11:48:00.002-08:002013-12-14T11:48:29.476-08:00Making Choices: Getting Naked? Stay in School?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/13/making-choices-getting-naked-stay-in-school/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Okay, friends, this one is a mess. In large part, because I am a mess.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was asked by my professor (the one who told me a few months ago
that my experience as a stripper could be an ethical issue) to meet with
her before winter break. I practiced deep breathing as I walked into
her office, still feeling happy from J and I getting married (this
meeting happened about an hour after that). As I sat down, I reminded
myself to stay calm and collected.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Basically:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She, as the department chair, along with the other three core faculty
and the dean, met at some point during the semester to discuss whether
or not my stripping experience is an ethical issue. They filled out some
sort of professional evaluation form, and as a group (she maintained),
they see my occupation as a serious boundary violation and ethical issue
in conflict with the code of ethics for marriage and family therapists.
Why? Because of the potential for future clients to have seen me dance,
the potential for current clients of mine to see me dance, and the
potential for the former clients to see me dance. To her, this
constituted a seriously problematic multiple relationship. In addition,
for some reason, she sees it as a “conflict of interest” (what? am I
going to sell lap dances after a therapy session?). This serious ethical
issue was held by her regardless of whether I stop dancing now or not.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I can’t disagree that it would be a multiple relationship to have a
concurrent therapist-client and stripper-customer relationship with
someone. I also would not do that. I also feel it is paternalistic and
arrogant to say that I am responsible for making sure that any potential
client of mine never sees me out in public doing something that is not
mainstream.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I didn’t go into this program to be a cookie-cutter therapist. I went
into it with the explicit goal and intention of serving the queer,
kinky, poly, and sex positive community (including sex workers). I’ve
been completely open with my cohort and professors about my experiences
and motivations, and now the message I receive is: sorry, too much. As
my friend said to me today: <em>They are grinding you down.</em></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She said: It’s not about exotic dancing! We want you to dance, we
want you to feel empowered and to feel empowered sexually. But this is a
serious ethical issue.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Is is possible for me to truly understand the code of ethics and continue to dance? I asked.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong><br /></strong></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><strong>No</strong>, she replied.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If it was up to me, in my personal opinion, she said, <em>I wouldn’t place you next year [for an internship] if you were still dancing</em>.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Think it over during your winter break, she told me. Then in January,
I want to meet with you again. If you agree, then we can move forward.
If you disagree that this a serious ethical issue, then we will need to
convene an Academic Review Committee and investigate further. You will
probably need quite a bit of mentoring to fully understand why this is
such a problem. It is possible that the result from the committee
process that you won’t be allowed to continue in the program.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I left that half hour meeting boiling. I hardly had a chance to speak, to ask questions, to present my case.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I literally feel stuck. I feel angry, boxed in, aggravated, irritated, helpless, hopeless, disheartened, defeated. Defeated.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pick my battles, figure out my goals, move forward. Give up
stripping? Give up school? I’m sure I’ll be writing about this again
when my thoughts are more clear.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And yes, I am writing this from the strip club. (My nice way of saying: Fuck. You.)</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-8521420085032544872013-12-14T11:45:00.002-08:002013-12-14T11:45:33.142-08:00Vasectomy: Done<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/13/vasectomy-done/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We drove across the river today, much earlier than either of us is
normally up and functioning. I dropped him off in front of a tall
building while I parked the car.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I raced to get to the tenth floor so I could make sure to be with him during the procedure.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The most painful part was the injection of local anesthetic. He also
had low pressure beforehand, and so he got pretty faint feeling during
the procedure. I kept my hand on his head or shoulder, and from where I
was sitting could see the cheery, older doctor work. The doctor made
small talk, talking to J about law school, talking to me about public
health and social work.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And then it was over. (Like yesterday: Eight, ten minutes, tops?
Married? Vas deferens cut and skin sewn back up? Big things can happen
so fast).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And now J is at home with a bag of frozen blueberries on his groin.
Soreness has set in, but it shouldn’t be that bad for too long.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’ll continue to define “family” in new ways in the years to come,
and this was just one more definitive step toward our dynamic view of
family.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It will also ensure J is able to more fully relax with other partners
(all of the women at my house last week agreed that it sounds
terrifying to be a man with only two options of birth control- have
y’all seen <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/male-birth-control-pill-reality-researchers-article-1.1537162"><span style="color: magenta;">this</span></a>,
though? Pretty cool!). </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Having control over one’s body and one’s ability
to reproduce seems so important in fully engaging with one’s sexuality.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m proud of you honey!</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-14823218224469010402013-12-14T11:43:00.001-08:002013-12-14T11:43:44.887-08:00Happy Marriage<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/12/happy-marriage/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I wore a white sweater and a white hat. He wore his blue shirt,
although you wouldn’t know it since he was wearing his big down jacket
over it (we stood outside in 32 degree weather in front of a half-frozen
water fountain while the judge performed the ceremony).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">After 8 minutes and 7 signatures (we had four amazing witnesses- some of our </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">best friends), it was done. Sealed it with a kiss.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We’re legal.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yay to lower car insurance and taxes! <img alt=":)" class="wp-smiley" src="http://s0.wp.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif?m=1129645325g" /> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PS: I love you, J.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PPS: THANK YOU to our amazing friends who were with us in person and
in spirit, who continue to support us as individuals and as a couple in
our life </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">together.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/married.jpg"><img alt="dancing" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-876" height="300" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/married.jpg?w=300&h=300" width="300" /></a></span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-58177367929325202242013-12-10T21:23:00.002-08:002013-12-10T21:23:48.416-08:00Healthy Relationships Comic<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/10/healthy-relationships-comic/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love <a href="http://www.robot-hugs.com/healthy-relationships/"><span style="color: magenta;">this comic</span></a>
from Robot Hugs!!! (Thanks to B for posting it in the FB group- I love
that group. So many fun and interesting things posted by open peeps!)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.robot-hugs.com/healthy-relationships/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img alt="2013-12-09-Healthy Relationships" class="size-medium wp-image-872 aligncenter" height="320" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/2013-12-09-healthy-relationships.png?w=80&h=300" width="84" /></span></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-16226689323977993802013-12-09T23:37:00.000-08:002013-12-09T23:37:41.225-08:00Eroticization of People of Color<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/09/eroticization-of-people-of-color/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This post has been sitting in my drafts folder for a while. It’s such
a huge topic and I am aware, that as a white woman, I can never do it
justice. This also isn’t an exhaustive or academic-type post. This post
includes only my personal reflections and perspective.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">While I grew up in a pretty white town, it also had a sizable
Hispanic and Hmong population. My first, longest, and most serious
relationship in high school was with a guy who was of mixed race
(Mexican and Filipino). I found our color difference sexy, appealing,
intriguing, erotic, exotic. I was attracted to him for many reasons, and
I know that his skin color, the shape of his eyes, his hair were all
attractive to me because they were different that mine. I am sure that
larger cultural messages surrounding the eroticization of people of
color had impacted what I found sexy and desirable. There are so many
examples of this, they are too many to count and name. And these
messages have a long history, from colonization and the white people
conquering “exotic” lands. (Black men are dangerous to white women,
Black women are either the mammy or Jezebel, Asian women are frequently
infantilized and sexualized, etc.) In any case, those attractions have
not gone away for me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I find many Black men (and women) attractive (let’s just stop me
there for a minute. Because given where I grew up and where I live now,
it’s not like I have large numbers of Black people in my social network.
I don’t have a large number to go off of.) Because of our involvement
in swinging and hotwifing, I have frequently thought about my personal
eroticization of men of color in particular. I don’t know if I have any
specific thoughts, except that I find myself wanting to make sure that I
am still engaging in the same level of communication with my partners
who are of color; I want to make sure I am not treating anyone
differently because of their skin color. Because I have frequently
lusted after Black men, I am hyper-aware of how I interact with my
partners of color versus white partners: how much time do I want to
spend talking versus fucking, and am I able to be communicative about my
desires? I don’t want to become a white woman who only seeks “big,
black cocks” (BBC). (For the record, BBC doesn’t seem to play into my
attraction to Black men. It’s the skin color contrast. And, if I’m being
totally honest, it also has to do with the fact that Black men are
exotic to me in my white bread life.) I don’t want to disregard any
potential for more-than-a-fuck-buddy type relationship simply because
this partner is Black, and while he is sexy as hell and perfect for my
sexual fantasies and desires, I’m not so sure I want more than that with
him.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I remember reading <a href="http://www.nerve.com/dispatches/ma/cuckold"><span style="color: magenta;">this article</span></a> about a year ago about cuckolding culture, and this piece is relevant to my post:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Other sites feature images ranging from semen dripping over wedding
bands to ethereal caucasian goddesses standing next to black men in
mirrored shades. The race thing is one of cuckolding’s more
uncomfortable aspects. On most cuckolding sites, such as <a href="http://www.blacksonwives.com/">blacksonwives.com</a> and <a href="http://www.myslutwife.com/">myslutwife.com</a>,
there is an overwhelming preoccupation with “Mandingos,” or
well-endowed black men. Similar racial parameters exist in the swinging
community, as highlighted in <i>Details</i> magazine’s March article on
“Mandingo parties” — interracial orgies arranged for single black men to
have sex with white wives in front of their white husbands. The
popularity of the orgies is buttressed by a two-prong fantasy: the white
couple’s fetish for a “BBC” (big, black cock), and the </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Mandingo’s
fetish for having sex with rich, white wives. All participants get
something out of it, and a Mandingo even argues that interracial orgies
are a by-product of multiculturalism and tolerance. But bigotry — and a
dose of white guilt — lie at the heart of any racialized fetish: black
men, despite their “superior” sexual prowess, are debased and
eroticized, and believed to pose less of a threat because the wives
would supposedly never date them.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The cucks I interviewed denied having a preference for Mandingos, but
would eventually admit some sort of racialized, if not racist, baggage.
Bob, a forty-seven-year-old caucasian male, says he found a
relationship through an online ad posted by a woman pursuing black
bulls. “I emailed her because I was hoping to fall in love with a sexual
white woman who does black guys,” he says. “We hooked up and it was
really wild.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“In American cuckold culture,” he adds, “it’s the white couple that
has black bulls. There’s a notion that black men are better-endowed, and
the whole idea of white men getting off on feeling sexually inferior to
black men.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A Black-Puerto Rican bull I interviewed does not answer white
couples’ ads because “they tend to be more rigid in terms of what they
look for in a bull,” he says. “If you’re a black bull, you’d better fit
the mold of what the stereotypical black guy is. To them, he’s a
cornrow-wearing thug or basketball player. They’re more into the fantasy
— the big, black Mandingo.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Most black men are not offended by the stereotype that they’re
well-hung,” he continues. “But what gets on my nerves is when the ad
says, ‘We want a gold-toothed, baggy-pants type,’ or, ‘We want you to
look like Allen Iverson or Usher.’ You know what? The typical bull on
Craigslist is not going to look like Usher, so get over your stereotype
and deal with it.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">*</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My most recent encounter with this topic, in the reverse, went along the lines of:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was giving a private dance to a Hispanic man from CA, who happens
to be from the same area I am from. “White women are the best.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Oh yeah?”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Yeah. Black women, Hispanic women- they don’t even come close. White women- they’re the sexiest.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say. It was my first intimate sexual encounter with racism. (that I can remember)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s one thing to me to notice particular attractions and erotic
fantasies based on race. It’s another to classify entire groups of
people as “sexy” and “not sexy” based on their race. But then I ask
myself: is that what I have done? Can I help it? How do I ensure that I
have equitable intimate relationships informed both by a sense of desire
and lust and fantasy, and by a sense of social justice and explicit
communication?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">PS: I am nervous writing and publishing this post. I am aware that
this topic (racism, sexualization of people of color) is deep and
sensitive. I also think I will never get it quite right. So if you read
something that offended you or struck a nerve, please let me know as I
want to continue to learn and right my mistakes.</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-86340648086036400502013-12-08T11:14:00.002-08:002013-12-08T11:14:51.269-08:00Top 100 Sex Blogs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Remember to sync up to my new blog, <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/07/top-100-sex-blogs-2/">SexualityReclaimed</a>! :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">No, I didn’t make it this year (yes, I am disappointed, but it’s also a
measure of how many other awesome writers and bloggers there are out
there. and that is exciting). Here is the <a href="http://www.betweenmysheets.com/top-100-sex-bloggers-of-2013"><span style="color: magenta;">list</span></a> for y’all to check out; definitely check out some of the other nifty sex bloggers on the interwebs :)</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-10575215173202487692013-12-05T19:59:00.004-08:002013-12-05T19:59:47.410-08:00Keeping Score?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/05/keeping-score/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Someone on FB posted this a week ago, and I found it pretty interesting and entertaining:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eric-barry/sex-spreadsheet_b_4318453.html"><span style="color: magenta;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why I Keep a Spreadsheet of Everyone I’ve Slept With</span></span></a></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It was sort of funny to read, because when J and I were “celebrating”
our first year of having an open relationship, I decided I wanted to
make a spreadsheet of all of the people we had met in the open
community, and whether we had had a romantic, sexual, and/or friendship
type of relationship with them. I did it chronologically and
systematically. I felt like I was being an excavator of my own wild
sexual self, uncovering and reliving all of the memories we had made. It
was also helpful in remembering all of the lessons I had learned from
each person we had encountered.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I haven’t kept up that list but it’s still an interesting idea to me.
And the author brings up several points that resonated with me. For
one, even if I had a casual sexual relationship with someone/people, it
was an intimate experience that we shared. I don’t walk around the
streets naked and I don’t share my vulnerable, sexual self with
everyone. Undressing and showing people how to pleasure me and learning
how to pleasure them is an intimate act, even if the emotional and
mental connection isn’t sufficient enough for me to call it “intimate
sex.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Like Barry expresses: “Sex is still an intimate experience for me,
even if at times the circumstances in which I’m having it are casual. I
form a connection with those I sleep with, and there’s a fundamental
respect I have for all of them. I tend to remain friends with those I’ve
hooked up with, or at the very least amicable.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And, for me, the process of legitimately keeping track is not about
belt-notching/quantity/numbers. It’s about having a way to really keep
track of the connections I have made, lost, and regained with people.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What do you think? Is keeping track (and not just in your head, but
on paper) who you have sex with, had a relationship with, dated, etc a
neutral act? Or does it introduce some kind of score-keeping into the
intimate landscape of relationships that shouldn’t be there?</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-18054351908826491072013-12-04T18:56:00.002-08:002013-12-04T18:56:36.392-08:00Quote of the Day<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">View this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/04/quote-of-the-day/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You are free to love or not, and others are free to respond or not.</span></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Giving is a choice, not a compulsion. </span></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<strong><br /></strong></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/choicelove.jpg"><img alt="Image" class="size-full wp-image" id="i-864" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/choicelove.jpg?w=650" /></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-91340456532292771782013-12-04T18:54:00.002-08:002013-12-04T18:54:49.766-08:00Support Your Local Beautiful Losers<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/03/support-your-local-beautiful-losers/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I bought this shirt a couple of weeks ago, and it finally arrived yesterday:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/beautifulloserstshirt.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img alt="beautifulloserstshirt" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-860" height="300" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/beautifulloserstshirt.jpg?w=293&h=300" width="293" /></span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A bartender at my club was wearing it, and I instantly fell in love
with the design, the sentence structure, the many meanings. It feels
provocative and powerful to me, disrupting ideas of patriarchy and
slut-shaming in subtle and shifty ways. Or maybe I’m reading too much
into it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Does it refer to the service industry? The young and underemployed? Strippers? Who are the losers?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How do I feel identifying as a “beautiful loser”?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How would this shirt be different without the word “beautiful”:
Support your local losers ? Why does being beautiful matter in also
being a loser? I have some ideas… Do you?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you want one, search for Bandit Brand on Etsy and email the owner.
She made one for me when I messaged her saying I desperately wanted
one!! :D</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-68325642962566395052013-12-03T00:08:00.001-08:002013-12-03T00:08:47.920-08:00Taking Names<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/12/02/taking-names/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is a sweet and thought-provoking article from a man who took his wife’s last name:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/i-took-my-wifes-last-name-gmp/?utm_source=feedly"><span style="color: magenta;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I Took My Wife’s Last Name</span></span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I appreciate this man’s stance toward making the personal political,
and yet remaining true to what he simply wanted: marking the creation of
his new family.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J and I were filling out our marriage license tonight (we’re getting
closer! we got our prenup notarized today, too!) and trying to decide
what we want to do with our names.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have been sure that I would keep my last name- it’s too good to
erase. And I am also adamant that I am not being transferred as property
from my father to my husband. But what about taking J’s last name as a
middle name? I already have two (one that my parents gave me as a
“regular” middle name, the other that my mom wanted to give both my
sister and I as a second middle name to commemorate her side of the
family. It’s not technically her maiden name, as her stepfather had
adopted her when she was young, but is her original last name), and I
don’t want three middle names. Do I give up one of my middle names?
Which one? I love my first middle name; it’s become a nickname of mine. I
also appreciate my second name as it has preserved my mom’s narrative
of her strength and perseverance of getting through a tough childhood.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J and I could create a hyphenated last name. But that gets long and
arduous for ourselves and others. And like the author in the article, we
don’t want to create a law firm. We want to simply mark the creation of
our family.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s not an automatic option to take one another’s last names as a
middle name, but it sounds like it is an option; it simply needs to be
approved by court before our names are official. But we are considering
it. So I could drop my second middle name and adopt J’s last name as my
second middle name. He could drop his middle name and take my last name
as his middle name.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Slightly complicated, and expensive to do. Changing our names would require trips to the DMV. And money.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It feels worth it, but also a little annoying.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Regardless, here is to our little fam :D</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-62807569760397223092013-11-30T22:51:00.002-08:002013-11-30T22:52:11.832-08:00Family Time, Thanksgiving Time, Birthday Time<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I am re-posting my blog posts here through the end of December, and then I am saying goodbye to Monogamy Paradigm! Make sure to add <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/30/family-time-thanksgiving-time-birthday-time/">SexualityReclaimed</a> to your RSS feeds or "follow" it via email! :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This week was a full one. It doesn’t get much better/rich/full than:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Making a birthday porn for J (yes, yes, totally hot). With one of my
semi-regular playmates, who I totally dig. Unfortunately, my camera
skills leave a lot to be desired (last year, I had the help of an actual
person behind the camera. You should check out my post on that
experience <span style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://suggestivetongue.com/2012/11/28/gangbang-fantasy-lives/"><span style="color: magenta;">here</span></a></span>)… that just means we will have to do another filming session <img alt=";)" class="wp-smiley" src="http://s1.wp.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_wink.gif?m=1129645325g" /> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-J receiving some exciting news!! If you are close to us, you will find out soon I am sure <img alt=":)" class="wp-smiley" src="http://s0.wp.com/wp-includes/images/smilies/icon_smile.gif?m=1129645325g" /> </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Traveling down for Thanksgiving to visit both of our families. Oh
lord. The food issues I was expecting to deal with with my family did
not surface too much, thankfully. The time with my family was pretty
pleasant for me, which was a nice experience. I didn’t get too irritated
with anyone in my family. I appreciate that. We went down and spent
about a day with J’s family, and that was interesting. There hadn’t been
much communication between J and his parents about whether we were
coming down at all, and so his parents didn’t even really know if we
were coming. And then, they had made plans to go cut Christmas trees the
next day, and it just did not sound great to me to sit in a car with
his parents and sister with whom our conflict does not feel resolved. I
started not feeling well, which I think was from the stress, and I
didn’t go, although J did. I am sure his sister and parents thought
poorly/oddly of my decision to stay, but it felt pretty good for me. I
have never opted to not go on a family outing with J’s family, and so I
would bet is seemed unusual to everyone else. I had a relaxing day to
myself, and spent some time with J’s grandma, and then was able to be
pretty present with the family when everyone got home later that
evening. I finally received a <span style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://www.gottmanblog.com/2013/11/holiday-cheat-sheet-list-of-minor-bids.html"><span style="color: magenta;">minor bid</span></a> </span>(albeit
full of meaning for me) from J’s mom when she asked what picture from
our wedding I wanted on the wall. That made my night.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-J celebrating his quarter century birthday (he’s o-l-d!) Haha!! It
was a great end to a really full week. Happy Birthday lover boy!! I love
you!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/illustration_today_i_am_thankful1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="illustration_today_i_am_thankful[1]" class="aligncenter size-medium wp-image-847" height="200" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/illustration_today_i_am_thankful1.jpg?w=300&h=200" width="300" /></a></div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-37409283163401878642013-11-30T22:49:00.001-08:002013-11-30T22:49:20.439-08:00HUMP! 2013 Winners!<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Remember to add <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/28/hump-2013-winners/">SexualityReclaimed</a> to your RSS feed or "follow" it via email!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Check out the winners! So exciting!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I love that Ouroburos and Fuck split the Best in Show!</span><br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/hump-2013-winners/Content?oid=11108493#.UpeMqz-gsPw.wordpress">HUMP! 2013 Winners!</a></span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-15677075629185743802013-11-28T00:30:00.000-08:002013-11-28T00:31:37.868-08:00Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/28/hotwifing-cuckolding-the-matriarch-reigns-supreme/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My next blog post went live on MultipleMatch: </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.multiplematch.com/2013/11/hotwifing-cuckolding-the-matriarch-reigns-supreme/"><span style="color: magenta;">Hotwifing & Cuckolding- The Matriarch Reigns Supreme</span></a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I loved writing this one. Check it out!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here’s an excerpt:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“<i>I get ready for our night out. My black leather collar with
rhinestones is the centerpiece of my outfit. He comes up behind me,
pressing himself into my ass. “I’m fucking him tonight, and I’m so
excited for you to fuck me afterwards,” I whisper to him. He moans
excitedly, anxious for the action to begin.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hotwifing is a less-well known subculture within nonmonogamy,
although the number of those who ascribe to the lifestyle seems to be
great. David Ley’s <i>Insatiable Wives</i> offers some empirical support for the size of the community, and the array of relationships within it.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A “hotwife” refers to a woman in a partnered couple who has sexual
encounters with other men. The dynamic usually looks like this: The
husband/primary male partner is highly turned on by his wife’s/female
partner’s sexual escapades, and derives pleasure and arousal from her
exercising her sexual autonomy and from the image/thought/knowledge of
another man having sex with her.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>I am a hotwife. I revel in finding other sexy men who will get in
bed with me. It turns both my primary partner and I on- it is probably
our top turn-on as a couple. We both become insanely aroused thinking
about another man’s cock in my pussy, and even though I always use
condoms with other male partners, our top fantasy is about me having
condom-free sex with other men.</i>“</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-29074537940212141932013-11-26T20:05:00.001-08:002013-11-26T20:05:37.978-08:00Virginity & Hookups<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more on <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/26/virginity-hookups/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J had passed along these two articles a couple weeks ago, and because
of my deluge of school reading, I just read them this week:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/13/does-my-virginity-have-a-shelf-life/"><span style="color: magenta;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life? </span></span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">and</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<a href="http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/11/women-find-orgasms-elusive-in-hookups/?_r=0"><span style="color: magenta;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns</span></span></a><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So many points I want to make. But the main takeaways from both for me were:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-Debra Herbenick rocks. Definitely check out her blog, <a href="http://mysexprofessor.com/"><span style="color: magenta;">My Sex Professor</span></a>.
Her point in the second piece about why we are so focused on women’s
orgasms, if women aren’t as focused on orgasms themselves, is spot on to
me. If orgasm is important to someone, and they aren’t satisfied with
their current sexual relationships and encounters because they aren’t
having orgasms, then it could be rich to explore that. Otherwise, what’s
the fuss?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-This also points to a larger lack of sexual intelligence in our
culture. Orgasm does not equal sexual perfection. Yes, orgasms are
pleasurable and connecting and relaxing and cathartic. But not having an
orgasm does not necessarily mean that the sex was unsatisfying,
unwanted, or otherwise negative.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-The first piece left me a bit speechless (a rarity, really). I felt
sad and shocked reading it. Not because virginity is sad to me, but
because a lack of sexual intelligence is sad to me- it points to a lack
of sexual education and self awareness, pieces that everyone deserves to
cultivate and benefit from. The author seems clear on defining
virginity as no PIV sex, <span style="text-decoration: underline;">and</span>
it seems like she has engaged in other kinds of sexual acts with
partners. Why is the penetrative PIV act the epitome of virginity? Who
does that serve? In this instance, it seems that the concept has done a
pretty big disservice to the author, creating discomfort and insecurity,
and perpetuating an idea of “the soul mate” for whom she can <em>finally</em> give up her (PIV) V-card.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">-I had a (woman) customer at work this past weekend, who was so fabulous at differentiating at different types of virginity.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Yeah, this guy I’m dating is a threesome virgin. Crazy, right?!”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“What about a private dance? I’m a lap dance virgin!”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I appreciated my conversation with her so much, and even more so after I read the above articles.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It adds richness to our lives to broaden our definitions of what sex
is, of what being sexual means. Have different definitions for “virgin.”
Know why you hold onto certain definitions, dig into them. Try being
sexual without reaching orgasm to experience a different range of your
sexuality. Let me know your thoughts on the above articles; there’s a
lot there to chew on.</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-2169311497538148512013-11-26T10:01:00.000-08:002013-11-26T10:01:15.649-08:00Bringing a Vibrator to Class<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this and more at <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/26/bringing-a-vibrator-to-class/">SexualityReclaimed</a>!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I paused and looked at the other two.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Haha, yep.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I
certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to
our toy box. It needed a good home.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of
those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with
Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was
hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was
hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was
evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo,
self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo
perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the
exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to
me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me
know how that goes” I responded, laughing.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew
we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a
lot more excited to be doing all of this.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Haha, me too. Me too.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/slim-vibe.jpg"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img alt="slim vibe" class="aligncenter wp-image-822" height="270" src="http://sexualityreclaimed.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/slim-vibe.jpg?w=270&h=270" width="270" /></span></a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-56075978022194747652013-11-24T23:35:00.001-08:002013-11-24T23:35:13.961-08:00Satisfying Connections & Emotions<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this on my new blog, <a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/24/satisfying-connections-emotions/">SexualityReclaimed</a> :)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had a really fabulous weekend reconnecting with lovely people!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Not too long ago in counseling, I was telling my therapist that it
sort of seemed to be the nature of having an open relationship that I
experience loss often: Well we used to date them, and then we didn’t,
and then we were friends, and now we haven’t seen them recently, and I
miss seeing them. Oh, and I was dating her and it was an amazing
experience, and now that relationship is just gone. And they live
further away and we just don’t see them very often. Etc. etc. It makes
for a dynamic social network, with people changing from new friends to
play partners to close friends to romantic partners to close friends to
more distant friends and back to close friends. It can be a lot for me
to keep up with emotionally.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But this weekend we got to spend time with a lot of the people that I
hold extremely close to my heart. Out dinner with some amazing friends
that we haven’t spent much time with this fall; catching up, laughing,
and eating felt so good. Some social and sexy time with our other sweet
friends who we see a couple times a month; comfortable, relaxing, and
satisfying social time and group sex always feels connecting for me. And
our other besties over for dinner another night: real conversation
about our real “stuff” made me feel totally in tune with them once
again. Having some real social interactions with the people who I/we
have gone through so much with in the past couple of years was deeply
needed I think. And so I am so grateful that this weekend opened up and
gave me all of that.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Now to switch gears for a minute:</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">J and I were at our swingers club on Friday (when I/we had social and
sexy time), and it was the first time that J played with another person
without me. And I was totally fine. I kept scanning myself for negative
reactions and emotions, and I simply didn’t have them. There were
pieces in place that allowed me to feel so comfortable, and hopeful that
he had a good time. Our sweet friends were there, and I am so
comfortable with them, that I just folded myself into them. If they
hadn’t been there, I think I may have experienced some social anxiety.
Also, J’s slight ambivalence about the situation helped me feel
completely non-threatened by the person and proposed play. So, it would
have been a different story I think if I didn’t have friends to be with
and if J had fallen in love with this person at first sight. But as it
was, it was totally relaxing to experience the compersive and easy
nature of the situation.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This weekend was full of things to make my heart full and grateful:
amazing friends, real connection, and pleasant, loving emotions.
Happiness. Love. Sexy times. Yummy food.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">(Not a bad way to kick off a week that will be full of family- I’m
sure I’ll be writing on various things sparked by the holiday coming up.
It’s really awesome to have so many positive connections and emotions
salient before I embark on family time.)</span><br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00918132591254595473noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3231002900783620885.post-21928902559411553682013-11-24T00:09:00.001-08:002013-11-24T00:10:17.782-08:00Zero Sum?<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Read this on <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: magenta;"><a href="http://sexualityreclaimed.com/2013/11/24/zero-sum/">SexualityReclaimed</a></span>!!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'll be re-posting my blog posts on Monogamy Paradigm until the end of December. After that, you will have to start reading my stuff exclusively on SexualityReclaimed :) Thanks for reading!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">***</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In my previous post about competition among women, I did not talk
about the assumption of sexuality as a zero sum game. If I have sex
means that you don’t get to, then of course the pursuit of sex and
sexual/romantic partners and the policing of sexuality becomes a
hyper-vigilant and competitive dance.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another interesting illustration of this was an email J and I
received recently from a couple we had met a week or so ago. We had met
them for drinks, and decided that although neither of us were attracted
to either of them, we would definitely socialize with them more at our
swingers club. They were on a trip to Portland and were only here for
another week or so. After a few days and another email to them, they
finally got back to us saying that they didn’t want to have an awkward
time with us: they were uncomfortable thinking about “just” socializing
with us, us introducing them to some of our sexy friends, and then what
might happen if they hit it off with our sexy friends… wouldn’t that
make us feel bad?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Reading their email made me cringe, laugh, and feel badly for them.
To go through life assuming that sex is a zero-sum game is sad to me. I
have experienced this in other areas of my life, too: money, good luck,
love, happiness. The framework of a zero-sum game doesn’t make me feel
good. Ever. It creates anxiety, frantic stress, and sadness.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And the truth is: life is not zero sum. The more we give, the more we get. Sex included.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There are always loving people in the world who will be there for us,
but only if we plan on it. Expecting less love and competition in
romantic and sexual partners means we will act in accordance with that
belief and inevitably have interactions that prove to us that life is a
competition. Expecting a flourishing of love and sex, of happiness and
real wealth in human interaction and connection, means we will
experience all that those connections can offer.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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