School & Dancing Options

Keep up with me at SexualityReclaimed! Come January 1, I will be posting only on SexualityReclaimed.

I have been trying to not think about my school/dance issue for the past couple of days. Here is what has been bubbling on the back burner. I have many options in moving forward with my goals. Let’s see:

1. Stay in the program I am in: This would require me to acquiesce to the faculty and stop dancing. I could also finish what I started (question: is this a program and degree I want to stay with and be associated with?)
2. Attempt to stay full time and fight the faculty: This is risky, as I could be asked to the leave the program, which could have a big impact on future employment and school opportunities. It also sounds exhausting to do this while in school full time. If I am able to continue dancing and stay in the program, it could have complicated ramifications. It seems like I would constantly have to assert myself and potentially fight with faculty throughout my time in the program.
3. Stay in the program, but plan on leaving after this semester: This could give me more time to assess the whole situation, assert my perspective to faculty, but I would also need to acquiesce for the semester (and stop dancing). It seems like a good mix of things.
4. Stay in the program, drop down to part time: I haven’t thought about this as much. Any “stay in the program” option requires me to most likely stop dancing.
5. Withdraw from the program right now: This sounds nice in just getting away from the grossness, but also feels like a rushed decision. However, it would allow me to try to find a job and potentially apply to social work programs (I have found a couple that I like). Overall, this sort of set-up (working and in a social work program part-time) sounds best to me.

Factors at play for me include:

-I am really ready to have school be on the sidelines of my life. I want to go to school part time and work part time (or work full time and go to school less than part time).
-I feel antsy in being done with school. I want to be able to do counseling work, and so I feel like I need a counseling degree to be seen as legitimate by potential clients (in Oregon, I could be a relationship coach or counselor without a degree or license). I also want the formal training. But it sounds crummy to me to reapply to programs and start at a new one next fall.
-Time. I feel rushed in making a decision before January 6. I also don’t know how much time is ideal in making this decision.
-I have applied for a number of social service type jobs and I feel hopeful that one could work out relatively soon (in the next couple of months).
-Money. The program I am in now is expensive. I am mostly living on student loans. The amount of loans I have out now is manageable to pay back on my own. To go for one more semester I will be relying on the student loan repayment programs to get myself out from debt. I don’t want to stay in the program just because I don’t feel like I have enough time to make a decision, when that will really impact how much in loans I have.
-I feel sad thinking about leaving because: I love my advisor. I have come to know the people in my cohort so well in so little time, and I enjoy so many of them. I have been so excited about the sex therapy track at my school, and the intense clinical training there. It feels really disappointing to just leave.

Based on those factors and trying to make a rational, logical decision, it seems like withdrawing right now from the program could be best option. I think another top option is staying for one more semester and then withdrawing.

Trying to listen to what “feels best” is a lot more difficult for me. I feel overwhelmed by all of the different factors involved and potential ways I could go.

This is all slightly funny to me: in my last theories class (before all of this came up), our instructor asked us to draw a symbol of how we were feeling (about finishing up class, in general, in the moment). I drew a heart with several arrows moving outwards in many different directions. I remember explaining that I am just really excited about moving forward, but that I could see myself applying my skills and knowledge in many different ways. I am trying to retain that sense of excitement and not get bogged down in the stress of this situation.

To close, I wanted to include a parable that a reader sent to me. I really appreciated receiving this gift:

The story of The Truth and The Lie

The Truth and the Lie were sisters. Both were very beautiful women. Once on a beautiful day Truth wanted to go out for a swim, so she took off her clothes and swam in the Lake. As Truth was bathing and relaxing out in the water, Lie noticed all of Truth’s clothes on the beach. So she took them and went to the village claiming she was Truth. Truth who was afraid to get out of the water at first was so outraged that she went to town to get her clothes back telling the villagers that she was the Truth. However the villagers were so ashamed to look at the Naked Truth that they choose to believe the Lie dressed in Truth’s clothing.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you all are enjoying time with friends and family. Thank you again for reading and for being supportive of me!

Merry Vulva Christmas!

Check this out and more on SexualityReclaimed

***

J gave me the BEST GIFT EVER!!!

He remembered that I have wanted one since I saw one in some kind of sexual education or training.

If you want your own, visit Etsy and search “WondrousVulvaPuppet” 

Underdogs & Misfits

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed! I will be discontinuing this blog on January 1, 2014, so you will have to check out SexualityReclaimed to stay updated. Bookmark, follow, or do whatever else! :)

***

I recently finished Malcolm Gladwell’s newest book, David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants. And, saw “Dallas Buyers Club” (if someone fits the bill as an underdog or misfit, it’s Ron Woodruff, imo). I love, love, loved that movie.

I felt so comforted reading and watching these stories, likely because I have been feeling like an underdog/misfit myself. I have felt like an outsider many times in my life (a huge motivation for going to Berkeley for college), but never so much as right now. I also really appreciated Gladwell’s reframing of what it means to be the little person (in his traditional style). It’s not about being weaker or smaller or having less resources and then miraculously overcoming a situation: there are advantages to things we normally see as disadvantages, disadvantages to things we normally see as advantages, some level of difficulty that actually leaves us stronger in the end, and limits to the big person’s power (power has its limits). There are so many ways in which the underdog actually has the advantages in a tricky situation, and may actually yield more power than the “powerful” person.

One of the parts I liked the most from Gladwell’s book is about the Big Five theory of personality, and how innovators tend to be not only open to new ideas and conscientious and persistent, but also tend to be pretty darn disagreeable. (You can take a free test here; it measures openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. I’m relatively to pretty high on all of them according to this test). Being disagreeable, according to Gladwell, isn’t just about being rude or selfish- it’s about bucking social norms and expectations in favor of pursuing ideas and values outside the box or norm. In this way, I would think of myself as pretty disagreeable. Not that it’s always comfortable for me to be disagreeable in this sense, but I think I have become more that way. (In the way that agreeableness is traditionally discussed-unselfish, helpful, etc-, I am pretty agreeable.)

“The reasonable man [woman! person!] adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Social (In)justice: Who Says?

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed :)

***


During the course of talking to my advisor yesterday (who, thankfully, is totally on my side), I was informed that not only are the other faculty members outraged at the ethical violations inherent in being a stripper while also training to become a therapist, they are outraged at how being a stripper contributes to further injustice in the world.

Apparently, stripping supports The Patriarchy, contributes to the objectification and violence against women, and supports trafficking of girls.
Holy $h!t.

Like I discussed earlier about patriarchy and stripping, I think this world is full of “both/and,” and far less of “either/or.” I will not disagree that by participating in stripping I am supporting the “male gaze.” I also think there is more to my story of stripping.

What matters, to me, is the personal intention, awareness, and small-scale action that takes place within oppressive structures.

What about my classmates who work at Target, an anti-LGBTQ company? Or classmates who are all about the bling (one, in fact, owns more than 500 pairs of shoes) and thus pay more attention to their material acquisitions than the fact that their consumerism and materialism contributes to the oppression of the poor? What about classmates who smoke and contribute to second-hand and third-hand smoke? Or, heaven forbid, what about my classmates who go to strip clubs as patrons?

This is about sex and it’s about sex work.

Like another student said to me yesterday: It’s pretty terrible how many times faculty in our program force others to sacrifice personal justice in the name of “social justice.”

Who gets to decide how an individual contributes to social justice or injustice? Especially over something so gray as the work that one does to support oneself?

The professor I met with said: It’s not about the exotic dancing.

But it is. There’s no way around that one.

Poly Ideas in "Ecotopia"

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed :)

***


I was assigned to read a novel for a class next semester (assuming I am still in school). The class is called Introduction to Ecopsychology, the book Ecotopia. The book itself is a little dorky, the writing okay, some presentations of gender and race off (it was written in 1975), but the ideas inherent in the story are thought-provoking (that an ecologically sound country would totally revolutionize school, the work week would be 20 hours, women run the government, cars are left behind in favor of bikes and high speed rail, etc.).

I loved reading the following passages, too, that hint at values within ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory and a societal structure of relationship that echoes how I could see relationships operating if polyamory were the norm instead of the rule:

“…It turns out she [Marissa, the main character's newfound lover in Ecotopia] has a regular lover in the camp. But has somehow arranged it so she can be with me during my stay. Lover is blond, shy, blushes a lot about other things but doesn’t seem at all jealous about his woman having made love with me. Evidently there are other women he can console himself with! Wasn’t sure till nightfall who would sleep with whom. But she came to the little cabin I’m assigned to, quite unanxious about the whole situation.
…It’s as if the whole American psychodrama of mutual suspicion between the sexes, demands and counterdemands and our desperate working at sex like a problem to be solved, has left my head. Everything comes from our feelings…” (p. 58-9).

and

“I don’t see, when I look at Ecotopian love relationships, or marriages, that awful sense of constriction that we felt, the impact of a rigid sterotyped set of expectations- that this was the way we were going to relate to each other forever, that we had to, in order to somehow survive in a hostile universe. Ecotopians’ marriages shade off more gradually into extended family connections, into friendships with both sexes. Individuals don’t perhaps stand out as sharply as we do; they don’t present themselves as problems or gifts to each other, more as companions. Nobody is was essential (or as expendable) here as with us. It is all fearfully complex and dense to me, yet I can see that it’s the density that sustains them- there are always good solid alternatives to any relationship, however intense. Thus they don’t have our terrible agonizing worries when a relationship is rocky. This saddens me somehow- it seems terribly unromantic. It’s their usual goddamned realism: they are taking care of themselves, of each other. Yet I can see too that it’s that very realism that allows them to be silly and irresponsible sometimes, because they know they can afford it; mistakes are never irreparable, they are never going to be cast out alone, no matter what they do… And perhaps this even makes marriages last better- they have lower expectations than we do, in some ways. A marriage is a less central fact of a person’s life, and therefore it is not so crucial that it be altogether satisfying (as if anything or anybody was ever altogether satisfying.) …” (p 117-8).

Cheers!

Clarifying Values & What's Important

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!

***


I have been stressed out since my meeting with my professor. Luckily, I had social engagements planned beforehand for the weekend which all allowed me to get out and do things with people who care about me. I still found myself drifting off and zoning out, thinking about all of this crap. I told J on Friday: I don’t really feel like going out, I don’t really feel like doing this, but I think I probably should. And I’m glad I did. My counselor affirmed that as well (I saw her for a second appointment on Saturday to talk about everything): Make sure to schedule time to not think about all of this. It will be really important in allowing what’s important to you to rise to the surface.

So, in happy news: Friday night I had a fabulous date with a fabulous woman (yummy wine + The L Word + lady sex = AMAZING). Saturday night J and I went out for a little bit to the Velvet Rope (it was super dead there but I got to see my fave male stripper). Sunday night we had a really fun hang-out and movie night time with some of our besties (and watched “A Good Old Fashioned Orgy,” which was surprisingly good and I actually really enjoyed!!)

My counselor recommended that I try to clarify what is important to me to guide my decision making. She asked me, What floats to the surface with all of this? Here are some of the points I have sussed out so far:

1. I want to end dancing on my own terms, not on someone else’s. I don’t think I will have closure and the resolution I want otherwise. Dancing has been about self-empowerment on a number of levels, and so to end because someone else told me I cannot do it (for whatever reason) would be highly unsatisfying. Being bullied into quitting dancing is not okay for me.

2. Dancing has become more and more political to me, and my ability to dance has taken on more macro level importance: sex worker rights, un-shame-ing (i.e., empowerment of) and allowing space for female sexuality, etc. My personal act of dancing in the way that I do it has political implications of disturbing stereotypical ideas of what it means to be a stripper, what female sexuality looks like and can be, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be an activist. I can’t ignore the broader implications of engaging in sex work (and what it would mean to have a professor tell me I cannot do it because it is “unethical”).

3. I have worked really hard to be out as myself with most people in most contexts. I don’t intend to give it up. Being out is one of my core values.
I am sure there will be other main points if importance that come up for me in the coming weeks, but this was a good start that I had over the weekend. I can start to see some potential paths take more shape, and I am confident that as long as I figure out what is important to me and stick by that, that I will make the decision that is right for me.

Thank you to everyone for your support and love. I have been overwhelmed this weekend by everyone around me (in-person, via email, on Facebook, on here) that has shown me support. Thank you.

Making Choices: Getting Naked? Stay in School?

Read this and more on SexualityReclaimed!

***


Okay, friends, this one is a mess. In large part, because I am a mess.

I was asked by my professor (the one who told me a few months ago that my experience as a stripper could be an ethical issue) to meet with her before winter break. I practiced deep breathing as I walked into her office, still feeling happy from J and I getting married (this meeting happened about an hour after that). As I sat down, I reminded myself to stay calm and collected.

Basically:

She, as the department chair, along with the other three core faculty and the dean, met at some point during the semester to discuss whether or not my stripping experience is an ethical issue. They filled out some sort of professional evaluation form, and as a group (she maintained), they see my occupation as a serious boundary violation and ethical issue in conflict with the code of ethics for marriage and family therapists. Why? Because of the potential for future clients to have seen me dance, the potential for current clients of mine to see me dance, and the potential for the former clients to see me dance. To her, this constituted a seriously problematic multiple relationship. In addition, for some reason, she sees it as a “conflict of interest” (what? am I going to sell lap dances after a therapy session?). This serious ethical issue was held by her regardless of whether I stop dancing now or not.

I can’t disagree that it would be a multiple relationship to have a concurrent therapist-client and stripper-customer relationship with someone. I also would not do that. I also feel it is paternalistic and arrogant to say that I am responsible for making sure that any potential client of mine never sees me out in public doing something that is not mainstream.

I didn’t go into this program to be a cookie-cutter therapist. I went into it with the explicit goal and intention of serving the queer, kinky, poly, and sex positive community (including sex workers). I’ve been completely open with my cohort and professors about my experiences and motivations, and now the message I receive is: sorry, too much. As my friend said to me today: They are grinding you down.

She said: It’s not about exotic dancing! We want you to dance, we want you to feel empowered and to feel empowered sexually. But this is a serious ethical issue.

Is is possible for me to truly understand the code of ethics and continue to dance? I asked.

No, she replied.

If it was up to me, in my personal opinion, she said, I wouldn’t place you next year [for an internship] if you were still dancing.

Think it over during your winter break, she told me. Then in January, I want to meet with you again. If you agree, then we can move forward. If you disagree that this a serious ethical issue, then we will need to convene an Academic Review Committee and investigate further. You will probably need quite a bit of mentoring to fully understand why this is such a problem. It is possible that the result from the committee process that you won’t be allowed to continue in the program.

I left that half hour meeting boiling. I hardly had a chance to speak, to ask questions, to present my case.

I literally feel stuck. I feel angry, boxed in, aggravated, irritated, helpless, hopeless, disheartened, defeated. Defeated.

Pick my battles, figure out my goals, move forward. Give up stripping? Give up school? I’m sure I’ll be writing about this again when my thoughts are more clear.

And yes, I am writing this from the strip club. (My nice way of saying: Fuck. You.)

Bringing a Vibrator to Class

Read this and more at SexualityReclaimed!

***

I walked into our grad lounge, and a few of my classmates were sitting at a table.

“Do you have your white elephant gift?” one asked me.

I started to laugh. “Yeah, but I’m a little nervous that it might be inappropriate.” We all started to laugh.

“Well, as long it’s not a dildo! Cause, I mean, that would be bad…” another laughed.

I paused and looked at the other two.

“That’s what you brought!!” laughed the first.

Haha, yep.

J and I got a free vibrator with my collar and nipple clamps, and I certainly hadn’t used it. It was just sitting on our bookshelf next to our toy box. It needed a good home.

Funny part, too, was I put it in a mug I had painted myself at one of those DIY ceramics painting places and stuffed around the vibrator with Halloween candy. It was pretty awesome.

I kept repeating that the vibrator was unused and the mug was hand-painted, and people kept hearing that the vibrator was hand-painted. Uh, NO. Ha!

How many looks I got and the amount of laughter in the classroom was evident that I brought something pretty rich. Sex is taboo, self-pleasure is taboo. Thus, sex toys are funny.

The classmate of mine who had joked earlier that bringing a dildo perhaps would be inappropriate was the first to take it during the exchange. Perfect! It was later stolen by a classmate sitting next to me. “Tonight’s going to be a good night,” he told me. “You better let me know how that goes” I responded, laughing.

Our teacher did commend me on pushing the boundaries of my classmates’ comfort levels.

My classmate sitting next to me said something like, “Well if I knew we could bring vibrators into the therapy room, I’m all of a sudden a lot more excited to be doing all of this.”

Haha, me too. Me too.

Sexuality Critical Genogram

Read this on SexualityReclaimed!

***

A major tool used in my counseling program is the genogram, which is basically a family tree. It is typically used during the first few sessions to diagram a client’s family (which could be an individual, couple, or family) back at least three generations. The point is to help clients see intergenerational patterns. They’re pretty cool.

In class this week, we talked about the critical genogram, which is a genogram that also depicts a client’s particular social location (related to gender, sexual orientation, class, race, ability, age, religion, etc.) and how larger systems (like patriarchy, racism, etc.),  have influenced the client’s experience of their social location and presenting problems.

So I decided to draw one depicting my perception of how larger systems of patriarchy, monogamy, and religion have influenced my experience of my relational orientation, gender identity, and sexual orientation. The main messages I have received from those larger systems include “Women are possessions, property, need to be owned, controlled, and contained,” “Sexuality is sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad,” and “Female sexuality is especially sinful, immoral, unhealthy, wrong, bad.” While I have largely cut myself off from those larger systems, I am still influenced by them because of my relationships with my family, larger community, and the messages I receive from media. I experience relatively integrated relationships with my relational and sexual orientations (I feel really comfortable identifying as queer and having an open/poly relationship), but my relationship with my gender identity (woman) feels more complicated. Because I can’t completely separate stripping from patriarchy, my identity as a woman and my enjoyment and participation in the strip club culture feels complicated and richly complex.

I am excited thinking about constructing genograms with my future clients, especially sexuality genograms, which involves questions about sexual history, familial messages about sex and love, and experiences in current romantic relationships. I’m also really excited thinking about creating a way to construct and use a genogram for poly folks and families.

Here is my sexuality critical genogram :) I’m the pink circle.

Narrating Me

Another one! :)

One of my dear friends recently emailed me, commenting that it seemed like I tend to view stripping as a weakness of mine, as a liability, as something to hide and be ashamed of.

Maybe you should view it as a strength of yours, he recommended. See it as something that has empowered you and made you stronger and wiser.

Narrative therapy is my jam, I think. It’s all about identifying local and dominant discourses, identifying the influence of various identities and social locations on one’s life, and identifying sparkling events that don’t support one’s story, to help one create a new story.

So I am going to do my best to change my story around a little bit; I have felt and thought pieces of this here and there, but it has not been my dominant story:


Stripping has been yet one more chapter in my reclaiming sexuality story. Reclaiming female sexuality has been in the pipeline in my family for generations, for a long, long time. Each female figure in my family has reclaimed her sexuality in some way. Mine has included adventuring into conscientious relationship formation, finding my flexible and dynamic sexual orientation, discovering the wide array of my sexual desires, getting naked for money, and seeking educational opportunities that will help me advocate for other in their reclamation processes, not to mention, writing this blog. Stripping has just been one facet of my experience, and just one way I have rediscovered my power and sexuality. It will aid me in my career pursuits, as it gives me added understanding and compassion for stigmatized and marginalized populations, and another layer for understanding sexual experience.

This process of re-writing my stripping story is similar to some LGBTQ identity models (this is one, but older and perhaps a bit outdated, model). I feel like my re-writing is helping me get to some level of identity synthesis, in which I recognize stripping as one facet of my life and experience. It doesn’t define me, and definitely is not a weakness. It has added rich meaning to my life and deserves to be held up and looked at in the same light as other parts of my experience that I have historically been more proud.

Lessons from My Equity Reading

Read this post on my new site!! :)

I LOVE that one of my books for school actually correctly differentiates between sex and gender. I get so frustrated when even professors and other academics conflate the two. So, for everyone’s benefit ( I don’t want to assume that those who find/read my blog know this), here are the definitions I ascribe to (pulled from the UC Berkeley’s Gender Equity Resource Center website):

Sex:
“A person’s sex refers to one’s biology – specifically, one’s chromosomes, external genitalia, secondary sexual characteristics (development of breasts, pubic hair, etc.), and internal reproductive system. Sex is a term used historically and within the medical field to identify genetic/hormonal and physical characteristics that are used to classify an individual as female, male, or intersex… Sex is a legal assignment at birth. How sex is determined is socially constructed and historically and culturally variable.”

Gender:

“Gender is a set of socially constructed, assigned behaviors and identity patterns which are often perceived to be intertwined with and/or equivalent to one’s sexual biology. In fact, gender is constructed and fluid, having multiple meanings across cultures, geographies, communities, and individuals. Although society promotes the dualistic concept that people are either a woman or a man, there are more than two genders… Gender can be understood as having several components, including “Assigned Gender,” “Gender Expression,” “Gender Identity,” and “Gender Role.” “

A lovely sentiment from my book about the interplay between sex and gender: “Shortly upon receiving that information [of sex], the culture surrounding each human begins to construct the roles of gender on the scaffolding of biological sex” (Brown, 2008, p131).

Here are some other points from my reading I thought were worth sharing:

“Exclusion is not necessary when inclusion is not protected” (Brown, 2008, p176)- in reference to sexual orientation trauma

“Even nondisclosure can have negative outcomes arising from the strategies of distancing and disengagement from families used by many LGB people in attempts to conceal their sexual orientation from family, something Pharr (1988) referred to as ‘internal exile’” (Brown, 2008, p171)

[I know about that for sure. I am glad, on the one hand, I came out to my parents because I had certainly grown distant from my keeping our relationship and my sexual orientation a secret. The same had happened with J's parents. But now we have the ambiguous/sort-of-weird situation that arises when my parents know, but don't really want to know about my life. Such as when I informed them I am going to HUMP this weekend. Their shock and embarrassment tells me they don't really want to know about the sex positive community I associate with.]

“…considerable scholarship would suggest that even good parents who are themselves traumatized may have difficulties in parenting their children in such a manner as to offer sufficient support in the development of self-capacities. Parenting is an excellent example of a normative developmental milestone that can be compromised by earlier trauma exposures. Clinically, as adults these children may present with very different sets of concerns. When the traumatized parent has conveyed to the child her or his lovability and can assist the child to cognitively appraise that what is happening with the caregiver is not the child’s fault, outcomes are best, and it may require careful history taking by a psychotherapist who is aware of age-related trauma dynamics to uncover the possible contribution of parental trauma to a now adult’s difficulties with normative developmental strivings. This appears to be a more common result of situations in which a functional caregiver-child relationship is disrupted midway by a trauma such as a natural disaster or social upheaval that temporarily impairs the adult’s caregiving capacities but does not affect her or his basic love for the child or awareness of the child’s developmental needs…Somewhat more problematic appears to be parenting in which the caregiver is affected by trauma in her or his own history that has not been adequately dealt with by the caregiver” (Brown, 2008, p122-3).

[Long quote, I know, but related to my own musings about the intergenerational transfer of trauma that, in my opinion, inevitably happens, even when the previously traumatized parent has healed from the trauma. I think it can be immensely comforting to recognize that we are not born and evolve in a vacuum, but that we develop in the midst of complex family stories and narratives and we don't have to take on the family's burdens all by ourselves. For me, this is related to the sexual trauma my mom and her siblings endured, how that has been transferred to my sister and I, and how I have mediated that trauma in my own empowerment framework of sexuality to reclaim my sexuality.]

Fat Stigma & Acceptance

Another really fascinating part of school last week was a presentation on fat studies, fat stigma, and fat acceptance.

Here are my notes from class (a lot of it is verbatim from the presentation slides; contact me if you want the reference):

-Fat studies: interdisciplinary; primary focus on identification/elimination of bias based on body weight, shape and size; deconstructs and critiques research related to weight and obesity; challenges cultural and political meanings ascribed to the fat body; challenges medical models that pathologize fat and prescribe weight-loss as a means of attaining health; weight/size bias combined with oppression based on other areas of difference such as gender, race, social class, and sexual identity
 
-Fat bias in the dominant culture:

• Research related to systemic fat/size discrimination is less common, but no less valid, than findings that continue to report ongoing oppression in race and gender
• Discrimination evident in hiring, wages, promotion, employment termination, delays in obtaining necessary healthcare, ability to obtain health care coverage, acceptance to college, parental financial support for college
• Similar pattern of discrimination (but more research needed) in public accommodations, jury selection, housing, adoption, representation of overweight participants in research
• Stereotypes of people perceived as overweight: lazy, less conscientious, less competent, sloppy, disagreeable, emotionally unstable, slower, poor attendance records, stupid, and worthless 
• These stereotypes are based simply on appearance or perception and are unrelated to actual health

-Dominant culture belief that being fat is a moral choice related to a lack of discipline: if fat people simply ate less and exercised more, they would lose weight and thus not have to experience the stigma and shame of being fat
 
-Losing/regaining weight can be more physically damaging to people than remaining at higher weights
 
-Counselors must challenge their own biases and assumptions about fat clients and presumptions of weight loss to promote genuine emotional and physical health, regardless of size
 
-Health at Every Size: a fast-growing approach that work to separate the issue of size and health
 
-Fatosphere: fat blogosphere

-My main question at the end of the presentation was: how do fat studies address the issues of food desserts, cheap unhealthy food, and the intersection of those with class and SES? What about the politics of safe public spaces, gentrification, etc?

This is a fabulous article I ran across the next day after my class; I love it:

Let's Talk About Thin Privilege

Fatness brings up a lot of emotions for me. My mom gave my sister and I a lot of training around the "right" body shape and size, even while also trying to help us love our bodies "no matter what." From my public health education, I have been acculturated to medicalize bodies: obesity=bad for health. I have my own body image stuff, which has been at times both exacerbated and soothed by comparing myself to movie stars, models in magazines, my friends, stripping, and being in an open relationship (and being more exposed to naked bodies). 

J and I have had a number of conversations, and sometimes with other people, that attempt to delineate the difference between discrimination against certain body types/shapes/sizes and preference/attraction/chemistry. There is clearly a difference to me and it feels quite different. However, I have seen the two conflated very unattractively in open spaces. For instance, I know that our swingers' clubs attract a wide variety of people, and I am glad that the spaces are relatively inclusive. But when I meet people who disparage fat people and their presence at our clubs and then cloak that sentiment in "well I don't want to go somewhere where I'm just not attracted to the people," my social (in)justice radar goes nuts. Just say it: you don't like fat people. Or, when J and I were socializing with a couple at a club, J asked the guy if he and his partner have a "type." He responded simply with "thin people." Why? I'm guessing because, for him, "thin people" connotes other positive qualities: good, healthy, smart, hardworking, etc. 

Want to test your own implicit attitudes toward fat people and thin people? Take the Implicit Association Test! You can take the test on myriad other categories of people, too. My own results: moderate preference for thin people. (I wonder when they'll add a category for alternative relationship structures?)

Patriarchy & Stripping

We had a pretty thought-provoking panel this week in my equity class: all three guest were white, straight men talking about their experiences with patriarchy. It was really interesting because they have all taken a path to counter patriarchy in their lives, and they discussed how this has affected their relationships with their families of origin, how they view the world, etc. 

One little comment at the end was evident to me that the men took different feminist views than me:

One man made some disparaging remark about "ugh strip clubs" and "yeah, isn't it crazy Portland has like the highest number per capita?" [Subtext: isn't that awful??]

I caught my professor's eye and she sort of apologetically/nervously smiled at me. I felt pretty calm; I expect to encounter that kind of attitude sometimes. I know it's a pretty dominant discourse (strippers are oppressed women who have internalized patriarchy; there is no other explanation that tells us why women engage in sex work. Or, women are forced to strip or engage in sex work to make money. The power flows from the dominant group-men-to women in the form of exchanging money for sexual energy.)

The thing is: I can't really argue that strip clubs don't support patriarchy. I also can't say that I'm not stripping outside the patriarchal system. I know I have been socialized to desire attention and to dress and present myself in ways that are pleasing to those gazing upon me (namely, men). 

But the explanation that patriarchy has oppressed me and forced me to strip is too simplistic for me. There are so many other factors at play (which I have discussed at length in various posts).

It's fascinating to me, and I try as best I can to simply remain curious about, the variety of views within the folks who identify as a feminist. This particular guy, who so clearly and evidently opposed men powering over women and supported women as equals, inadvertently took agency and power away from the women who engage in sex work. Simply by making a negative comment, and assuming he knows the motivations and stories of all sex workers, he once again assumed the dominant role: "I know what's best for women: not stripping."

[Of course: people can have different views, and I think that first-wave feminism language is powerful and persuasive. But again: for me, it takes away power from individual women and is too simplistic. This picture assumes that one cohesive "feminism" has the answers to dismantling a thousands-year system of privilege and oppression, when in reality, there are so many diverse beliefs under that umbrella and so many ways of subverting power.)

The truth is, for me, is that all of these factors (including the system of patriarchy) have influenced me. Which means I embrace the "both, and" approach to life, not the "either/or." I can be a stripper and a feminist and queer and straight-looking and a lover of consent and someone who has non-consent fantasies. I hold many complex, seemingly opposing desires and beliefs and identities, inside me, as do (I believe) most people.

Therapy Student Syndrome?

(like Medical Student Syndrome?)

I seriously don't know some days...

Oh god! I'm not differentiated enough from J! Or from my parents! Or from my friends! Or from anyone else!

Oh no! I create double binds!! How awful! (Another blog post on that to come, I think)

I ruminate. I can be pessimistic. Gottman's divorce indicators?! Oh jesus.  

Do I have signs of major depression? Schizophrenia?? 

I'm anxious! Tendency to be OCD! 

And more!

I'm also human. Like all y'all and everyone. (Side note: I'm definitely leaning toward a theory of therapy that is based on present-moment experience, mindfulness, and not pathologizing of experience and emotions. Whew)

People in My Corner

It was so affirming to hear from my advisor this week:

Stripping is not an ethical issue. You're not harming anyone.

No kidding!

And, another lovely part:

If you get any pushback from anyone around here, just use feminist language and they'll back off. If you have any problems with people, just let me know. Especially if it's a professor.

I had reached this place a couple weeks ago, of feeling like it really didn't matter to me what my advisor was going to say to me about this potential ethical issue of dancing and being a therapist. Which itself felt great. And it also felt great, like a big awesome hug, to hear that.

Also, to have another fellow classmate disclose to me that she felt really good hearing me disclose my dancing experience because she has a history of doing it as well. And to have my advisor say that outing yourself is important in giving those marginalized communities a voice. If you can out yourself (and I can, in many ways, and have), then it can be such a powerful thing.

I have so many affirming and strong people who back me up, and I feel so lucky and so grateful to have them (you) in my life. Thank you.

A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps

... After J and I saw "Breaking Through" we stopped off at our swingers' club to meet up with a sexy friend. 

I think my blog post title really sums my feelings from the evening:
A Good Fucking Never Hurts & Always Helps.

Maybe that isn't always true, but I think it might be (for me)!

It was just a sexy night. I rarely drink, but last night I got nice and buzzed and really felt like my inhibitions were lowered (not that I needed them to be- but it was still fun). My friend and I made out and groped each other, and after not too long, I took him into a room. Delicious oral sex, lots of coming, and lots of pounding ensued. It was so fun! And such a release, so cathartic.

And then coming home with J, and doing that again complete with dirty talking and my Hitachi. Sometimes I feel like my life is so delicious, it just makes me want to laugh and cry.

And then I wake up the next morning, after a kind of crappy day yesterday, and think to myself: I fucking got this. I am ME and I'll do what feels right! And if it's being a kick-ass therapist who has different ideas about sexuality and relationships and a different way of operating and a different environment she wants to work in, so be it. I got this.

I Did It

I disclosed dancing to my cohort this week. I thought I was going to throw up, but I did it! Also, now that it's over with, I feel like school and talking to people in my cohort feels easy-breezy.

In counseling this week, I began opening up this new idea of mine: that my professors don't control my future. I can disagree with them about the ethics of dancing and client safety, and I can still be an awesome therapist when I am done with my program. I don't need their approval. I just need mine. That is huge for me. Really, really huge.

I am going home this weekend (the first time in 3 years!) and I feel so much more relieved just thinking about it. Somehow, coming out to my class has taken a huge amount of pressure off of my guilt and weirdness about not telling my parents. I think, too, that piece about not needing my professor's approval is beginning (super slowly and tiny bit by tiny bit) to spread to other deeply-rooted associations (i.e., my parents). I have pretty much always needed and wanted and sought my parents approval- but I am feeling that pressure alleviating a bit. Thank goodness.

Happy Weekend!

Mindfulness Meditation Resources

I have been such a nutty person these past few weeks (which J can certainly attest to). I love school, and I hate school. I love learning and I love reading and I love synthesizing new information... but I hate being busy. I hate feeling like my to-do list is literally never-ending and that it's possible that, this time, I won't get it all done.

Speaking of which, there is yet another class I may take this semester, more of a workshop really. But I am trying to hold myself back for the sake of my mental health, and for the sake of my relationship with J. (thank you, love, for being so amazing and supportive)

So in the event I don't go to this amazing-looking workshop, on Implementing Mindfulness in Therapy, here are some resources I found on the facilitator's website:

• The Two Pillars of Mindfulness-Based Therapy
• The Freedom to Choose
• Reclaiming Pollyanna
• Thin Eats Fat - And the Practice of Mindfulness
• Is The Cup Half Full or Half Empty?
• The Art of Letting Go
• Mindfulness and Not-Knowing
• Mindfulness and Knowledge

I love applying mindfulness to my own life; it's been immensely helpful in managing complicated emotions, especially within the context of relationship issues. I'd love to hear from others about their favorite mindfulness articles!

Stripping, Counseling Ethics, and Personal Values

So I had a meeting with one of my professors to discuss the fact that I dance and my anxiety around coming out to my cohort during a class presentation next week. What ensued was a very kind conversation in which I unexpectedly cried, and agreed with a lot of things that she talked to me about- primarily the ethical dilemma I will face if and when I have a client that has seen me perform (and yes, perform naked- the sexuality of it is the key piece here).

I came home and immediately broke down (I had been holding in everything during a three hour class). J didn't really know what to do with me. He held me and got angry and confused on my behalf. It was helpful.

And basically where I am at right now is this:

What feels more unethical to me is to perpetuate a system that sees sex, sexuality, and female sexual empowerment as sinful, dirty, slutty, and abhorrent. I will not not go to our swingers' clubs or to nude beaches or to strip clubs or gay bars or poly gatherings or dance because of the possibility that I might run into future clients. I will not not live my life in some tiny little box when I have done so much to live in a vast, fluid, and dynamic world.

There is something quite different to me about having an intimate and loving relationship with someone while simultaneously expecting to fulfill a professional role in the mental health care of that person's life. Knowing a client in other superficial ways are quite different to me than intentionally creating a confusing and complicated layered relationship with someone.

[The code of ethics for MFTs stipulates that you, as a therapist, must not have sex with a client. Okay. And to refrain from having sex with a previous client for at least two years after termination of the therapist-client relationship. Hm, okay. Seems arbitrary, but okay. And with regards to multiple relationships, the code states:

Marriage and family therapists are aware of their influential positions with respect to clients, and they avoid exploiting the trust and dependency of such persons. Therapists, therefore, make every effort to avoid conditions and multiple relationships with clients that could impair professional judgment or increase the risk of exploitation. Such relationships include, but are not limited to, business or close personal relationships with a client or the client’s immediate family. When the risk of impairment or exploitation exists due to conditions or multiple roles, therapists document the appropriate precautions taken. 

This is vague, and leaves a lot of gray area to be dealt with, and is in fact the basis for my ethics paper this semester- how to behave as a minority therapist seeking to work within minority communities (queer and poly, specifically). And this also relates to my potential multiple relationship with clients who could also be or were my customers in the strip club.]

My professor's ethical dilemma example:
What if a couple comes to you for therapy, and one of the partners, let's say the man, has seen you dance? What if you don't realize it, but he does, and they continue coming to see you, and then his partner, a woman, finds out after a couple of months? What will that do to her?

My response during our meeting was: Yes, that's really complicated. I hadn't thought about that yet. That's really complicated.

My response now:
If I were to realize when a new client walked in, I would be up-front about it, and offer to refer the person to another therapist. If I didn't know right away, and the client realized later on and told me, I would refer the client to another therapist.

I am not about to further stigmatize or oppress my various sexual minority communities (queer, poly, sex worker) or myself by not allowing myself to be who I am in order to "protect" a client. This is life, and people deserve to live their lives. Including therapists. Including me.

Any readers out there who have had to navigate this in various ways? Please drop me a line :)

Social Justice, Polyamory, and Dancing

As I have been putting together my notes for a project I am presenting on next week, I have had several things rise the surface related to ethical nonmonogamy, stripping, race, and class.

-Something that has been increasingly apparent to me in my explorations, especially academically, around poly issues is the severe lack of discussion on the intersections of race and class with relationship orientation. Being poly is (so far) a distinctly white and upper class experience, although ethically nonmonogamous relationships have been existent in many different cultures around the world. Being poly in such a monoga-normative culture and society means (to me) that you have to (generally) first have your basic needs met and have time to focus on breaking norms before you are able to spend inordinate amounts of time on your relationships (including your relationship with yourself). 

-Interesting, too, has been my discovery that even though disclosing my status as a dancer is nerve-wracking for me depending on my audience, I command a sense of respect and curiosity, typically, and it’s because of my whiteness, my class, and my education level. If I was a woman of color who hadn’t gone to college, I don’t think people would necessarily listen to my story as much. I also think that dancing in Portland is probably one of the most privileged places, geographically, to dance- it is so much more normalized here, and there is a large sex positive community that emphasizes a woman’s right to choose to control her body and feel empowered through her sexuality. Because of my geographic location, race, and socioeconomic status, I feel at least a little comfortable disclosing my experiences dancing. 

I have come across a few different blog posts and articles online about the lack of discussion around race and polyamory, but there is really an overall dearth of discussion. And all I can think of as an explanation is that, so far, ethical nonmonogamy is an experience of wealthy whiteness. If you know of resources related to people of color experience in open relationships, please pass them on!