My boyfriend wants to do anal with me and i have heard that it hurts a lot, is there any lube which can make it less painful.
My first response for you: Do you want to have anal sex? Anal sex requires a lot of warm-up to ensure that it is a pleasurable experience, it requires a lot of communication, and it most likely will require that you are actually into it. Isn't sex generally better when you are turned on and into what you are doing? Remember that our brains are our biggest sex organs, and that the physical/genital part of sex if going to be much more amazing if your brain is into the situation. (And for a lot of people, being mentally turned on is a prerequisite to being physically turned on. For me, if I am not feeling like
exploring anal sex, it will be nearly impossible to warm up my ass, even
with a finger. I have to mentally be into it first, before my body will
physically respond.)
So, if you are not into anal play at all, I would encourage you to articulate for yourself why and then communicate that to your boyfriend. Or maybe you are interested in exploring anal play, but are mostly interested in just using fingers; maybe the idea of a butt plug or dildo or cock in your ass shuts you down. Or maybe, you are really turned on at the thought of penetration with a cock, and you are really excited to work your ass up to that kind of ass play. Do some self-awareness work to make sure you know why you are, or are not, interested in ass play and then communicate that to your boyfriend.
If you do want to have anal sex, I would encourage you to explore
anal play on your own before incorporating your partner. You can
experiment with the kind of pressure and other sensations you like so
that you are better equipped to explore partnered anal sex. I think it is also really important to know that it requires a lot of warm-up (with fingers, butt plugs, etc; and also remember that the "warm-up" part can be the ass play that you enjoy. Don't discount the "warm-up" as it can be just as pleasurable as penetration.). Lube is certainly part of the equation, but that isn't your single golden ticket to having a painless experience. Anal sex should not be painful. Ever. If it is, you need to listen to your body and move more slowly. I would highly recommend Tristan Taormino's The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. She offers a ton of amazing advice and ideas for exploring anal sex in a safe and pleasurable way.
In fact, because you mentioned that you heard that anal sex hurts a lot, here is Taormino's response to that very idea from her book:
"Anal sex should not hurt--not even a little. If it hurts, you're doing something wrong. Pain is your body's way of saying, 'This is not working for me right now," and we must listen to our bodies. If you ignore your body's warnings and continue, then you can hurt yourself. The experience may make you and your anus more tense the next time you try anal penetration. Your body remembers everything, so don't try to fool it. You don't have to 'work through the pain' to get to the pleasure. That's what you do at the gym, not during anal sex. With desire, relaxation, communication, and lots of of lubrication, anal sex can be not only pain-free but arousing and orgasmic." (p5)
That being said, my all-time favorite lube is Jo's Premium (silicone) lube. Because it is super thick, it works really well (for me) in the super-sensitive and delicate anal area. And because it is silicone, it definitely stays put when playing in the shower (one of my favorite places for doing anal play). I hope this helps!!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
MFT Interview
I had a really fabulous interview for another MFT program. I don't know if I will get in; I had no idea how competitive it is. But, I was super impressed with how inclusive and diverse the space of applicants felt. There were at least a handful of other applicants who identified as queer, and one other applicant (a gender queer man from Wisconsin!) who identifies as poly and is really involved in the BDSM community. Awesome!! I felt so comfortable in the space. I felt at home, too, because the group was so much more ethnically and culturally diverse. It was like being back in the Bay Area.
That kind of space is what I crave to experience. Thinking about learning and working with a group of students who are going to go on to be supportive counselors is amazing. I want to be among them!! *Fingers crossed* *Reminder: It's all going to work out.*
That kind of space is what I crave to experience. Thinking about learning and working with a group of students who are going to go on to be supportive counselors is amazing. I want to be among them!! *Fingers crossed* *Reminder: It's all going to work out.*
Friday, March 8, 2013
Laci Green
I just wanted to encourage anyone who hasn't ever checked out Laci Green, to do just that!! She is a super goofy and engaging sex educator, and J and I have been enjoying her YouTube videos the past day :-) (Also, Go Bears! Just some Berkeley love :-D )
Her website and her YouTube channel. Enjoy!
Her website and her YouTube channel. Enjoy!
Identifying As Queer
I have recently (in the past couple of months) started identifying as queer, instead of bi. Here are my reasons:
1. It feels more accurate for me. I am attracted to a wide spectrum of gender presentations and identities.
2. "Pansexual" sounds too clinical for some reason, and "bisexual" assumes a gender binary.
3. I like the political aspect of identifying as queer, as well as the sense of community it invokes.
4. I like the sound of the word "queer," how it rolls around in my mouth from the back of my throat forward. It sounds juicy and fresh.
I really like UC Berkeley's Gender Equity Resource Center info sheet on the word queer. Here's a snippet:
"What does queer mean?
Queer has been used as... :
• an umbrella term for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.
• a political statement, as well as a sexual orientation, which advocates breaking binary
thinking by recognizing both sexual orientation and gender identity as potentially fluid.
•a simple label to explain a complex set of sexual behaviors and desires. For example, a
person who is attracted to multiple genders may identify as queer."
And, I found Wikipedia's information on the word pretty interesting, too:
"The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.
For some queer-identified people, part of the point of the term "queer" is that it simultaneously builds up and tears down boundaries of identity. For instance, among genderqueer people, who do not solidly identify with one particular gender, once solid gender roles have been torn down, it becomes difficult to situate sexual identity. For some people, the non-specificity of the term is liberating. Queerness becomes a way to make a political move against heteronormativity while simultaneously refusing to engage in traditional essentialist identity politics."
I found it pretty interesting that poly could be considered an activity falling within the scope of what "queer" means. I like it; add it to my list above for the reasons why I now identify as queer :D
1. It feels more accurate for me. I am attracted to a wide spectrum of gender presentations and identities.
2. "Pansexual" sounds too clinical for some reason, and "bisexual" assumes a gender binary.
3. I like the political aspect of identifying as queer, as well as the sense of community it invokes.
4. I like the sound of the word "queer," how it rolls around in my mouth from the back of my throat forward. It sounds juicy and fresh.
I really like UC Berkeley's Gender Equity Resource Center info sheet on the word queer. Here's a snippet:
"What does queer mean?
Queer has been used as... :
• an umbrella term for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender community.
• a political statement, as well as a sexual orientation, which advocates breaking binary
thinking by recognizing both sexual orientation and gender identity as potentially fluid.
•a simple label to explain a complex set of sexual behaviors and desires. For example, a
person who is attracted to multiple genders may identify as queer."
And, I found Wikipedia's information on the word pretty interesting, too:
"The range of what "queer" includes varies. In addition to referring to LGBT-identifying people, it can also encompass: pansexual, pomosexual, intersexual, genderqueer, asexual and autosexual people, and even gender normative heterosexuals whose sexual orientations or activities place them outside the heterosexual-defined mainstream, e.g., BDSM practitioners, or polyamorous persons.
For some queer-identified people, part of the point of the term "queer" is that it simultaneously builds up and tears down boundaries of identity. For instance, among genderqueer people, who do not solidly identify with one particular gender, once solid gender roles have been torn down, it becomes difficult to situate sexual identity. For some people, the non-specificity of the term is liberating. Queerness becomes a way to make a political move against heteronormativity while simultaneously refusing to engage in traditional essentialist identity politics."
I found it pretty interesting that poly could be considered an activity falling within the scope of what "queer" means. I like it; add it to my list above for the reasons why I now identify as queer :D
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